


The Fall

by Nelioe



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Actual Fíli/Kíli, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Artificial Intelligence, Bottom Fíli, Bottom Kíli, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ethical Questions, Eventual Smut, Fighting, First Time, Hand Jobs, Hurt Fíli, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kidnapping, Kili is a sweetheart, M/M, Non-Con Artificial Mpreg, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Painful Sex, Permanent Injury, Rating May Change, Rebellion, Suicide Attempt, Top Fíli, Top Kíli, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli, Unrequited Fíli/Kíli - Freeform, Weddings, it will make sense with time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:58:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 110,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5163026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelioe/pseuds/Nelioe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since the Great War the world is an awful place. Fili hadn’t always wanted to accept it, but when his best friend Kili suddenly went missing he had to face this fact. Now, seven years later, Fili works in a terrible job, with no prospect of ever getting out of the brutal routine life has become. Until he and Ori are attacked one night. From one moment to another the world is an even more dangerous place, but perhaps it will also hold the answers to Kili’s disappearance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's NaNoWriMo time and I actually wanted to write something else, but then, a few days in, the idea for this story attacked me and now I can't stop writing it. So I changed plans and this is now my NaNo-project. I will try to update weekly until I have a few chapters more written. I actually don't like posting stories before they aren't at least nearly finished. But I'm a curious idiot and want to know what people think, so yeah... here it is... a strange little SciFi-AU.

 

 

With a sigh Fili got rid of his working uniform, stepped in one of those awful showers that didn’t even have a privacy shield and washed the dirt from his tired body. It wasn’t a great job, it was a factory, dirty, hard and paid atrociously, but it wasn’t really like people had a choice in that one. No work paid really well today, except, of course, the jobs of the people that ran this world, they seemed to overflow in money, it was quite disgusting, but not unusual as Fili had learned during the history lessons in school. The wealthy people got richer and the poor poorer. This was the way of the world.

Fili knew that the Great War had a part in this current situation. Fifty years of peace, after two thirds of humanity dying in the bombardments and the fights, half of those surviving starving to death in the following years, nature nearly completely destroyed, who knew how many animals exterminated… it wasn’t surprising it was going to take longer than half a century to rebuild civilisation. Fili just wished he had been born in a better time and not on March 26 in year 35 after the Great War. This new calendar was ridiculous, if they had to change it, couldn’t they at least have waited until the air was finally clean again?

Sometimes Fili wondered what his purpose in such a world was. The politicians would say to build a better world together with all the other people, but that was just bullshit. If there was anything outside the borders of the country and the reeking city the blond would’ve long since left this place. Unfortunately the unclaimed lands were even more dangerous than this place. It must’ve always been like that, although years ago they hadn’t wanted to believe it… they… Fili shook his head with a snort. He still couldn’t forget his best friend. But how could he?

Kili had been a part of his life since the day they discovered they were neighbour's children in a rundown tenement building. Sharing everything beginning with food and ending by dreams. Being friend had helped enduring a life like theirs, especially when sometimes they would sneak outside and climb onto the roof, looking up to a sky suffused in smog only reflecting the always screaming lights of the city. They imagined what the stars looked like they heard so much about in school and made plans of leaving the city behind once they were old enough, venturing behind the border, living a life without hunger and full of happiness. It were the stupid dreams of children, Fili knew that in retrospective, but Kili had never seemed like he could let go of these plans. Then and again he would mention it again and Fili needed to bring him back down to earth, the blond had realised fast what Kili refused to believe. That the land behind the border was just as dead as the city.

And from one day to another Kili was gone. He disappeared during a time many people went missing. His vanishing still filled Fili’s heart with pain, what was worse, however, was that Fili would never find out what happened. If Kili had gone missing like all the others or if he’d decided to leave the city… to leave Fili. Fili couldn’t say which scenario would hurt less. Perhaps ignorance was a blessing in this case.

Sighing the blond got out of the shower, finally clean again and listened to the other workers having a wash after their shifts while he towelled himself. Outside of the shower room Ori was already waiting for him, having finished his shift not long ago either. Going home alone wasn’t a smart thing to do. The city was overflowing with desperate souls, ready to rob and kill people for their own survival. Fili couldn’t really fault them, in the end they were suffering even more than the rest of them and no one deserved to go hungry at night, at least in Fili’s opinion. If he’d anything to spare he would offer it freely, but as it was his badly paid job barely covered the rent. Living with their parents still was the only thing that kept most young adults fed, since it was easier for a family to share the costs than it was for one alone. For the same reason Ori was living with his brother.

“Ready to go?” Ori asked him as soon as he spotted him, looking just as tired as all of the workers had to after their shift.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” he replied, no less eager to leave this factory for now. Thinking about his bed and the soft cushions, the only nice thing he possessed, seemed like heaven right now, although they had still a long way home ahead.

Of course there existed something like public transportation, but as all things these days it was expensive, safer than walking, but not something one wanted to choose at the end of the month while there was barely money left for food.

It was around 2 am when they walked out of the factory, the cold air of the night embracing them with the first step. Though it was hardly any better than inside, but they had gotten used to it. Avoiding the streets known for their violent robberies at night Fili and Ori had gotten pretty good at finding empty alleys that worked well as a shortcut. Most people tried to stay in the light of the city, hoping it benefitted and wasn't going to turn them into a target, unfortunately most criminals knew of this already and since the police didn’t really care about what happened to no-names it was dangerous to assume the street lights were your friends.

They walked in silence to draw no attention to them through their voices, at such a time in the night even their steps seemed far too loud and made them cringe inwardly when a noise erupted near them. Until now there had never something happened and being together was going to help them in the worst case, too. The hard work in the factory was accompanied with one advantage after all. Strong arms could save lives. Still, the uneasy feeling stayed and not just with him, but also with their family.

How often Dis had already asked him to quit his job and find another Fili didn’t know anymore. He would like to quit his job as well, if it were that easy. Work wasn’t waiting for everyone around the next corner, at least not if he wasn’t up for a life-endangering one. All more or less secure jobs were taken and without the right contacts it was impossible to hear of a vacancy before it was already occupied again. Life was hard, but what could they do instead of going on and endure? Sure there were rumours about revolts, the people who uttered those, however, were marched off by the police a few hours later. Spies were everywhere, showing the people the top brass was in control.

Ori and him had covered half of the distance and were currently walking between huge blocks of flats when they spotted a stranger approaching them. Fili exchanged a short glance with his friend before they turned around in silent agreement, only to detect another person in the opposed direction. The uneasy feeling the blond always sensed while walking home at night increased tenfold. It was painfully obvious that these strangers tried to surround them. The giant rectangular buildings casting a thick shadow over the alleyway as Fili and Ori retreated worriedly, stopping when their backs met the wall of the tenements.

“We don’t have any money. We work in the _Hinsworths_ factory. You probably heard how lousy they pay their workers,” Fili tried the mediating way, his heart pounding as if it wanted to burst out of his chest any second.

The dark figures didn’t seem like they had listened to him, their luck just had to end on one evening. Although he was suddenly wide awake again, due to the fear and the adrenalin it brought along, but they had worked one of the cruel ten hours shifts today. They weren’t weak, but Fili wasn’t sure if they could hold their ground against two rested strangers and if those people carried weapons with them… well… then they were fucked.

“Let’s run,” Fili whispered therefore to Ori, not even waiting for an answer as he grabbed his friend's arm and dragged him along.

Their attackers needed a few precious seconds before they ran after them. Steps echoing loud from the high walls of the buildings as they tried to pass one of those creepy guys. They didn’t come very far. One moment they were spurting, aiming for the end of the alleyway and in the next one of their attackers tackled them violently to the floor.

Fili collided hard with the asphalt, scraping chin, hands and knees, fabric of his clothes ripping while Ori cried out in shock. He wasn’t given the time to recover from this, for before he was able to get up again a foot slammed into his side, making him lose his breath and leaving him gasping for air, face contorting into a mask of pain. He’d never been in a fight so far and had never imagined it could hurt so much.

His mind roared with panic as one of the attackers suddenly hovered over him and yanked him onto this back with frightening strength. Then the stranger pulled out a weird looking gun, causing a deafening noise to cover Fili’s ears. Desperately trying to struggle Fili only earned a blow to the hand, losing his orientation in the process. Regardless of what he had thought about his life, he wasn’t ready to die! He hadn’t given up hoping for a better life so far and despite acting all pessimistic there was still that part of him, which wanted to believe everything could turn out alright in the end, if he just worked hard enough. If he had to die, then it shouldn’t happen like this, scared in a dark alleyway, too exhausted from his shift to win a fight against such a monster, only killing for fun. They weren’t wearing fancy clothes and Fili had told them where he worked. It was obvious for everyone able to put two and two together that they hadn’t any money. He was going to die here. He was fucking going to die here!

A pain shot through his belly, leaving him gasping helplessly for breath. It wasn’t like he’d imagined it. Fili thought it would hurt more, although it felt anything but pleasant. The next thing he got aware of, were his hands being forced onto his back in a painful angle, while his attacker had rolled him onto his stomach. Before the stranger could bind them, however, a whirring sound reached the blond’s ears and just a second later the weight pressing him to the ground disappeared as his attacker dropped lifelessly to the floor.

Shocked Fili scrambled away from him, staring with terror at the dead body ere his eyes started roaming over the dark alleyway. Another stranger towered beside him, clothed in a dark blue coat, the hood and a scarf wrapped around his mouth and nose completely hiding his face. The small form of a high-tech crossbow could be seen in his left hand. This had to be what killed Fili’s assailant, a silent killer compared with a gun.

Swallowing hard Fili was barely able to trust his own eyes as his saviour overpowered the second figure, just having drawn the same strange gun as the other had before, but without enough time to use it. A well-aimed kick made the enemy fall with a groan and only a heartbeat later the crossbow reloaded autonomously and the hooded figure fired.

Disbelieved gazes followed the man as he helped at first Ori and then Fili to his feet.

“Thank you,” Fili breathed, relief and alarm rotating inside him and sending tremors through his body. The initial pain in his belly a mere twinge by now.

“Follow me. There are still some of them around here,” their saviour told them quietly, voice muffled by the scarf.

Nodding hesitantly they followed him through the alleyway and down a manhole. Fili tried chase away the feeling of captivity as the stranger closed the cover behind them. If he had to trust someone he would rather take his changes with the guy that had saved their lives instead those crazy criminals out there. Trudging through the knee-deep water he and Ori followed the hooded figure to a maintenance area, a little room build from concrete walls, with only a neon lamp to spend light. Pipes and swivel valves were located at this place, but when Fili discovered it to be a dead end the uneasy feeling from earlier retuned at full force.

The heavy iron door closed with a screech and was locked only seconds later.

“Why are we here?”, Ori asked, looking around in confusion.

Instead of an answer the figure drew a knife. Everything afterwards happened too fast for Fili to comprehend, his heart seemed to miss a beat, he inhaled a sharp breath and within the blink of an eye their so called saviour rammed the blade into Fili’s abdomen.  

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is pain...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the amazing response to the first chapter! I actually didn't want to post the next chapter before Saturday but all your lovely comments changed my mind. Until the end of November I will try to upload a new chapter every week, perhaps sometimes even two per week, at the end of November I think I will have quite enough chapters written to post faster.  
> Thank you all for commenting and leaving kudos, I hope the story won't disappoint you!

 

 

At first there was no air inside him to do anything, but then he screamed, agony burning in his belly and soon shooting through his whole body. His knees shook under the pain, but the stranger just guided him to the ground, not once removing the knife as he did so. Every breath seemed to increase the pain, causing tears to run freely down his cheeks, blurring his vision along with black dots dancing accusingly in front of his eyes. His hands grabbed his attacker helplessly, trying to push him away, but far too weak, drowning in the waves of agony.

The blade inside him moved again and Fili screamed once more, a noise unable to win against the pain, against the weapon cutting him open. He barely registered anything going on beside the fire consuming him, dizzy and hurting he held on to the hooded figure, whimpering with every shallow breath. Distantly his ears could hear Ori shouting and fuzzy shapes jostled just for a few seconds, but then the bigger of these two won, shoving the other away from them and hissing something so sharp it wouldn’t surprise Fili if it was able to cut paper.

Pressing his lids shut when the light of the neon lamp started to hurt his eyes like thousands of pinpricks Fili hoped it was going to help against the pain as well. He whimpered miserable, only to scream again out loud when the person returned to his side to continue with this torture during which Ori had interrupted him. Why couldn’t he just kill him? Why did he have to slash open his stomach?

Everything hurt. His belly, breathing, trembling, existing. Oh God, oh God! Why didn’t it end already? He was going insane with agony. He… he… Fili screamed once more. Fingers digging in the hard concrete floor, but finding no relief anywhere. The knife moved anew, nagging, searching. And when Fili screamed again, there was a barked order and then someone pressed a hand to his mouth, muffling the sounds of suffering. It took away what little breath he was still able to inhale. Lids flew open in panic and he spotted Ori, covering his lips while he fixed him to the ground with the other hand. A wave of betrayal surged through him, seeing his friend backstabbing him like this, helping the enemy to hurt him. The sudden urge to bite the limb suffocating him possessed his mind, but before he was able to ram his teeth into the flesh to let him go, to let him breathe freely again, the blade changed into another angle, silencing Fili’s mind beneath a new wave of agony.

And then, when he was sure to lose consciousness because of the lack of oxygen and the flames devouring the lower parts of his body, the knife was torn from his flesh, luring a groan from his throat. Ori’s hand vanished from his mouth, causing him to inhale greedy amounts of air, every too deep breath rekindling the previous pain in his abdomen. Trembling and gasping the torrent like noise covering his ears abated, granting him to hear the stamp of a foot and frantic whispering. It sounded so far away, although when he looked up he noticed Ori’s lips moving. Gentle fingers stroked his sweaty hair, trying to offer him comfort that was lost in the burning of his belly wound.

His attention, however, was soon torn away from his friend as the shadow of the hooded figure fell over him. Enfeebled Fili tried to scramble backwards, but Ori stopped him and his own tired body prevented it furthermore. His heart hammering far too fast in his chest with fright as the stranger kneeled beside him. The bloody knife in his hand gleaming threateningly in the light of the neon lamp, but instead of hurting him again, the guy took off his coat, leaving him in nothing more than a black waistcoat, revealing well-build arms, his gloved hands seemed sticky with Fili’s blood. The scarf still pretty much hid his face, but dark hair flooded untamed over his shoulders. The blond watched in disbelieve as his attacker used the blade to cut the coat into ribbons, using it afterwards to wrap it like a bandage around Fili’s abdomen.

Tying the knot Fili groaned at how tight it felt, allowing him only short breaths.

“What-“ Fili slurred, tongue feeling kind of stuck to his dry mouth. He swallowed a few times, but the sensation stayed.

“Not yet, we will talk when it is safe,” the stranger stopped him from asking anyway.

Ori and the dark haired guy helped him up, although Fili would’ve preferred crazy-coat-man to never touch him again. But one look at his friend made it pretty clear that he felt just as shocked and weak in the knees as he did and that he wouldn’t be able to support Fili on his own. The guys touch made his skin crawl nevertheless.

The first step had Fili almost blacking out, a wave of dizziness rolled over him, buckling his knees and pulling him down. But the other held tight, the strain of being tugged into two different directions increasing the pain in his belly and retrieving him from the edge of unconsciousness. He moaned as Ori unlocked the door.

“Quiet now,” the stranger hissed at them.

A snarky reply sat already on the tip of his heavy tongue. If this idiot hadn’t stabbed a knife in his belly he might have managed to stay quiet. For perhaps a second or two he thought about pushing the stranger away from him and taking his changes with doing a runner, but as weakened as he was Fili probably wouldn’t even be able to get away from him, let alone run when his legs seemed already to tremble more violently with each step. Who knew what that freak had told Ori to get him to comply to this and almost suffocating him just some minutes prior. Perhaps it was better to do what he said, he’d killed two people in their presence after all and afterwards the torture with the knife… Fili shuddered. Had this been a power play? A technique to assure they were going to cooperate?

He didn’t really want to know. He was sweating like mad, the cold water up to his knees and the burning in his stomach drowning the last bit of energy out of him. Barely breathing, tremors rocking his body and jaws clenched so tight he could hear his teeth grinding together as he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t putting more and more weight onto the guy supporting him. Pretended for his own sake that his fingers weren’t buried in his waistcoat to keep himself from slipping.

“Almost there,” the stranger whispered, muffled voice oddly soft.

But wherever _there_ was, Fili’s body decided that _there_ was too far away as his legs crumbled with the next shaky step. It was only due to the stranger's strong arms Fili didn’t sink into the dirty water and soaking the makeshift bandage and the wound it covered. A splashing sound reached his ears, a warm hand touching his cheek, shaking him gently and trying to gain his attention. Fili blinked a few times, his tired gaze barely able to focus on Ori’s worried expression as another wave of dizziness wanted crush him.

 “Fili? Fili? Are you with me?”

Stupid question, of course he was with him in this dark tunnel, cold and in pain. Dying…

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He must’ve passed out for a moment, for the next thing he got aware of was being carried. Head resting against a scarf. His belly burned, a fire consuming him that hampered every breath in its process.

“How far?” Ori’s voice drifted to him, sounding more concerned than Fili had ever heard him.

“Left at the next turn-off. We are almost there.”

“You said that three times already!” Ori snapped.

“Well, we are!” The other replied just as agitated.

The soft up and down of strangers steps felt like flying. Fili closed his lids again, not falling asleep, but not staying awake either. It was a constant mix of dozing and startling, although the pain was the same in each state.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He wasn’t flying the next time he came around again, but the ground was definitely moving slightly. A cloth dabbed his brow and greeted him along with the agony still located in his belly. He was going to die here, Fili realised with a jolt, but the expected shot of adrenalin didn’t come. Maybe it wasn’t such a shock anymore and his subconscious had known this was coming since the attack. Still, he whimpered miserably.

“Shh,” Ori hushed him. “It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t… nothing was okay. Why him? What was he even? An example for Ori of what would happen if he rebelled? An experiment? Nothing made sense and this was worse… so much worse. If he had to die then he wanted to know why. The uncertainty was just cruel. Mobilizing all of his remaining strength Fili opened his eyes, confused looking around. He was lying on a blanket, spread onto the metal floor for an odd vehicle. Fili thought he’d seen something like this once… in school perhaps? Was this a transport capsule? Only somebody of distinction could afford these things nowadays.

His gaze wandered over the dimmed lights to the control console, his tormenter seemed to talk to someone via the communication device, back turned to his hostages while he did so.

“Just make sure Óin is waiting for us when we arrive,” Fili heard him say, frowning when he thought to recognise a hint of worry in his voice. His mind had to play a trick on him. “There was a CAI-incident,” the stranger replied, probably answering a question.

It was quiet for a while, almost long enough to pull the blond back under the welcome darkness of unconsciousness.

“Damnit, Bilbo!” The guy shouted suddenly, making him and Ori flinch. “That’s not important right now, just make sure Óin is there when we arrive or Tauriel or whoever is available, just tell the medic team to be ready, okay?”

The connection was disconnected not much later and the guy pulled his scarf back over nose and mouth. Fili hadn’t realised until then that the stranger’s voice hadn’t sounded muffled. Ruffling a hand through his dark hair the man turned around, glancing at them for a while before coming over to them. A transport capsule didn’t need a driver, a fact Fili despised since it allowed their kidnapper to get far too close to them again far too soon. The blond wanted to scream at him to stay away from them, but with focussing all his strength on keeping his eyes open he had to accept that he couldn’t escape.

“How are you feeling?” The man asked.

Fili’s reply consisted of a violent tremor rocking his body.

“He won’t hang on much longer without treatment,” Ori appealed urgently, his features a mixture of concern and fear.

The dark haired guy sighed. “I know. We are almost there.”

Fili wanted to roll his eyes at hearing these stupid words again. Were these the only words in his vocabulary? He was pulled from his thoughts when he felt himself moved around and probed against a strong arm. Looking up at his kidnapper uneasily he didn’t understand at first what was going on, but then a bottle was pressed to his lips and cool water hit them. His tongue seemed to sing with joy and despite being only able to take small sips, for his attacker allowed only small amounts of water to pass his lips at the time, it soothed his dry throat and removed at least a little part of discomfort.

It was also the first time he met the others gaze, nearly chocking on the worry directed at him. But why… why would he be worried after doing this to him?

Sluggishly raising one of his heavy arms Fili reached for the scarf and pulled.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the person behind the scarf is revealed...

 

 

It were voices that pulled him from his slumber. Angry, arguing voices.

“For heaven’s sake, lad! Did you want to slaughter him?”

A soft blanket had to cover him, since Fili felt pleasantly warm. The pain had disappeared and breathing seemed so much easier now that there wasn’t a tight coat-bandage trying to cut off his air supply. Instead when Fili’s fingertips brushed against his stomach they were greeted by a simple muslin bandage.

“I did exactly what you taught me!” A familiar voice defended itself.

“It was supposed for an emergency!”

“It was an emergency! They were still after us, it was too doubtful to leave it untreated.”

“Right,” the other scoffed, words dripping with sarcasm. “So you rather risked his life and abandoned your mates?”

“I fucking had to! If I had waited for them it would’ve been too late!”

Fili tried to remember what happened. He knew his kidnapper had rammed a knife into his belly, but everything afterwards turned out to be quite vague in his memory. He knew the guy had cut his coat into ribbons to stop the bleeding he had caused in the first place. Ori had looked so worried. There was flying and floating, the thought of dying, being fed fresh water. He’d wanted to know why he’d been hurt, wanted to see the person’s face that had so cruelly cut into his flesh.

“Save this nonsense for Thorin, he will decide what consequences your actions will have,” came the stern reply not much later.

The face under the scarf… a face he hadn’t seen in seven years… a face he’d thought he was never going to see again. All at once Fili felt wide awake, pushing himself up onto his elbows to look at the fighting ones. The man, whose voice he hadn’t heard so far, turned out to be quite old – around sixty if Fili had to guess – wearing a white coat and glaring at the younger man standing at the end of the blond’s bed. Grey hair and a neat beard provided him with an aura of experience and authority. And if his still adjusting eyes to the sudden brightness of the room weren’t deceiving him he could also spot a deaf-aid in the guy’s ear.

Kili on the other hand… in the light he saw it so much better, recognised the brunet hair that had looked so dark during their encounter last night, almost black. Just like his eyes in the dim illumination of the transport capsule had seemed different. But his face couldn’t betray him. Although he’d grown quite a bit since the last time Fili had seen him, he still had the same small nose, the same high cheekbones, the same angry brows when he acted all serious. It was truly only his body that had changed. The lean boy of once was a well-build man now, no longer looking half-starved and sickly, but healthy and strong.

He was also very alive. Kili had gone missing when he’d just turned sixteen, Fili still remembered that day. How the brunet had begged him to come along to this party, talking about that everyone would be there who wanted to change their cruel reality, people with visions and influence. Fili hadn’t believed it back then and still wasn’t buying it, after all he was two years older than Kili, two years of life experience and prudence ahead, although it probably wouldn’t have changed anything if he’d been the younger, since his best friend had always been far too reckless for his own good. So Fili had refused, they had fought and in the end Kili must’ve sneaked out at night to go anyway – even though he would’ve been too young to be admitted to the party if he’d turned up on his own – for the next day Kili was missing.

Fili had felt so guilty, didn’t want to believe it at first, telling himself the brunet must’ve met the right people and had finally gotten out of the city like he’d always wanted to, although the thought of being abandoned like that hurt, but it was better than imagining the other outcome. The police had given up on the case very soon, poor people couldn’t hope for much help. He remembered Kili’s parents breaking apart over their son’s loss. Remembered how his mother got very ill with sorrow and died a year later. How Kili’s father couldn’t pay the bills, how Fili and Dis tried to help him but to no avail. That man had lost everything during a year and in his desperation accepted one of those dangerous jobs no one usually took if they could help it. Another year later and the family was wiped out of the citizen index.

For months the guilt had eaten at Fili as he blamed himself for not trying harder to stop Kili. He mourned his best friend, cried for him so often at night, had broken apart and put himself back together. For his mother’s sake. He hadn’t wanted to cause her the same pain Kili had his parents. Still, not ready to give the brunet up Fili had held on to his hopes that his best friend was alive, but at some point life went on and if he didn’t want to be caught in his past forever he had to let go of that part hurting him and so Fili had accepted what everyone around him believed to be true since Kili’s disappearance, that the smiling, courageous and optimistic boy was dead and no one had found his body so far.

Seeing Kili now, after seven years, should be a happy time after all the suffering. But Fili wasn’t feeling particular joyful. While Kili looked healthy everyone else in the city was still starving. While he obviously had the time of his life his parents had died and Fili’s world had seemed duller since the brunet was gone. Kili hadn’t even thought of sending him a note or just anything else that would’ve told him his best friend was still alive. Instead Kili just reappeared after seven years, kidnapping and nearly killing him.

The sudden surge of anger hitting him gave the blond the strength to sit up and with the groan leaving his lips as he did so, he caught the attention of Kili and the old doctor. The relief on the brunet’s face as he saw him awake increased the rage inside him only further and as soon as Kili tried to help him to get up Fili clenched his hand and punched his best friend with all his might. The blow must’ve been so unexpected that Kili lost his footing and collided painfully with the floor.

Holding his hurting cheek Kili glared at him.

“What was that for?”, the brunet nagged, getting back up. His fists now shaking with suppressed anger as well as he let go of his face. Fili watched with satisfaction as a small thread of blood ran down Kili’s cheek where Fili’s blow had broken the skin.

“You know very well,” Fili hissed. “You disappear for seven years, not even thinking to send a note to tell me or your parents that you are still alive!”

“I couldn’t,” Kili pressed through clenched teeth, obviously just as barely handling his anger as Fili.

“Couldn’t or didn’t want to?” Fili sneered.

“Couldn’t!”

“Have you any idea how much we suffered? How much your parents suffered? How could you do this to us?” Fili kept pushing. He’d seen the clothes, the weapons, the transport capsule. Kili had obviously more than enough money. If he could manage getting all this stuff, a piece of paper telling them _I am alive_ wasn’t able to be such an obstacle.

“I have suffered, too!” Kili shouted instead of a believable answer.

“Oh, yeah. Look at you. It’s written all over your body how much you have suffered,” he said with dry sarcasm. “Are you kidding me? You had enough to eat unlike everyone else in the city! You think you can just come here, looking like this and tell me such shit after almost killing me?”

Fili pushed himself out of the bed, standing on still weak knees, slightly leaning against the cot and staring up into Kili’s eyes. How dare he? What did he expect after everything he did? That Fili was going to throw himself into the brunet’s arms, crying tears of happiness and thanking him for ramming a knife into his belly? He must’ve lost his mind during the last years.

“I tried to save you!”

Kili’s whole body was trembling with emotions, subconsciously preparing Fili for a strike. He would be ready to react. He wasn’t going to get overpowered that easily again. He wasn’t feeling any pain right now, there was also no fear, just anger and anger meant strength.

“Save me?” He laughed, flouting. “Felt more like you were trying to gut me.”

And then he pushed Kili, although it only caused the brunet to sway a few inches. But he just had to, felt like the wrath attempted to tear him apart if didn’t grant her a physical form. Kili’s fist twitched and for a moment Fili believed them to be eleven and thirteen years old again, fighting over something ridiculous like who was allowed to kick the bust football first they had found in the garbage. It had been only a piece of trash, but still more than they normally had. And while Kili had spotted it Fili was the one that leaped into the rubbish to get it out. Both of them thought they deserved it more than the other and although they had been already best friends for a long time back then, they had both been going without most of the time and didn’t want to give up on that chance, not even for their best friend. They fought, kicking, hitting, rolling around in the mud until Kili cried and Fili felt so guilty he gave the advantage to Kili.

But this wasn’t like when they were young boys. This was about years of mourning, guilt and loneliness. Of watching others suffer and missing his best friend like a lost limb.

Before anything could happen, however, the doctor yanked Kili backwards with way more force than Fili had thought such an old man could possess.

“This is a place for the sick and wounded and I won’t watch while you undo all my work,” he barked at Kili. The brunet cringed under the harsh treatment. “As for you,” and with that the doctor turned to Fili. “Get back onto this cot before your stitches burst. We don’t have the regeneration tools of Rivendell Inc. here, far too expensive. So you will lie down and rest until I tell you otherwise!”

The determination in the man’s face told Fili it was safer to just cooperate. Therefore the blond climbed awkwardly back onto the cot and under the blanket. Satisfied the doctor gave him a nod before applying his attention on Kili again.

“I think it’s better if you leave.”

“But-“ Anger could still be detected on his features, although it didn’t look anymore as murderous as a few seconds ago, instead a hint of worry had crept to his eyes. Fili averted his gaze when he realised it for what it was, unwilling to let go of his rage just yet.

“Thorin will want to talk to you anyway and I don’t think he will be pleased about what you did.”

Kili must’ve nodded or done anything else that spoke of his consent, for a few painfully slow heartbeats later the blond heard steps depart. Leaving Fili alone with the doctor and suddenly a new sensation of dread settled down in his stomach. As angry as he was at Kili, he knew Kili. This guy standing beside the cot was a complete stranger at a place Fili didn’t understand the slightest about. He swallowed uneasily as the old man sighed.

“I’m Óin, by the way,” the doctor introduced himself.

“Fili,” he replied, risking a glance at the other.

“Aye, I guessed that,” the old man said, gifting him a kind smile, Fili didn’t quite know what to make of it.

He had the nagging feeling Óin hadn’t just learned of his name by the time Kili had brought him here. But he wasn’t up to investigating it further right now either. So he just let the matter drop for now. After all, there was something way more important on his mind at the moment.

“Where is Ori?”

“That’s the lad Kili brought here with you?”

Despite not really knowing if Ori had truly arrived here with them, since he’d been unconscious during their arrival, he confirmed Óin’s question.

“He is resting in one of our living cabins and you would do well to follow his example, you’ve lost quite an amount of blood. You might not feel it right now because of the meds I injected intravenously, but you will when they start to wear off.”

It was one of the few things that made sense and so Fili didn’t object as Óin pushed him gently into a lying position. Now that the anger and the first shock evaporated he truly started to feel the pull of exhaustion. But there were too many questions roaring through his mind and prodded the blond to fight the tiredness. He hadn’t really taken the time to look around before, but now that he did he found his cot placed in a small grey-white room, with nothing more than his makeshift bed as furniture.

“Where are we?” He wondered.

“We are in Erebor,” Óin told him matter-of-factly.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Ori are reunited...

 

 

Erebor, as it turned out, was a huge undersea architectural complex in the Atlantic Ocean. It felt as if he was in a dream when a young girl named Tilda appeared in the sick chamber, handing him new clothes – since Fili’s were soaked with his own blood – and told him that she was to escort him to Thorin’s rooms. It seemed Thorin ruled over this unbelievable place. Why was the senate permitting such a place to exist? Where a doctor had just treated him for free, where he’d just gotten a meal that hadn’t tasted weird for the first time in years. This was so absurd. This couldn’t be a secret, could it? People had to know about a place like this.

Fili knew he was staring, but he couldn’t help it. His eyes roaming over wide hallways and high ceilings, painted in grey-white with bright lamps illuminating their way. The colour wasn’t particular welcoming but at the same time not depressing either. It felt kind of neutral. This wasn’t really what he’d expected when the girl talked cheerily about their location. Although Fili couldn’t quite say what he’d thought he was going to see either. Perhaps walls made of glass, showing him the life under the see. It was ridiculous, it was probably too dark outside anyway, so there was no point in creating windows.

On their way they passed a few people, but no one paid him any mind. Almost as if he wasn’t important. As if he didn’t exist. Fili shuddered at the thought. On the few doors they walked by the flat screens of communication systems were installed. It looked like the whole place was interconnected. It was a technology Fili had seen his supervisors use, but was never given the opportunity test one himself. Of course people like him weren’t handed such expensive stuff. He was a simple worker and would never be able to pay it off should he break one unintentionally. Still, Fili was fascinated how one just had to touch these screens and they would help the user to communicate with someone very far away or turn on machines or who knew what else. 

It felt like forever before they’d crossed the hallway or maybe he was just imagining it because he moved so slowly to drink everything in with his eyes. Fili thought he knew everything about the world, but right now he felt like a little kid, discovering a whole new universe under his bed with the power of imagination. They had to stop at the doors of an elevator. At least he didn’t have to look like a completely bumpkin and was aware how these things worked. Though, this wasn’t a knowledge everyone possessed. If it wasn’t for the work in the factory he might have wondered what these strange closed doors were needed for. Even the highest tenements in the city didn’t have an elevator. It meant repair and maintenance costs and technicians didn’t belong to people like Fili, who could barely afford the rent from their scarce wages.  But factories needed them and despite underpaying their workers elevators were necessary to ensure no losses in the production that was inevitable if the employees had to carry all that heavy stuff up the stairs.

In just a few minutes they went down a few floors and Tilda gave him a soft little nudge, accompanied by a kind smile on her lips and urged Fili to enter the cosy looking room they’d arrived at. It was pleasantly warm, but at the same time really strange to walk on a carpet for the first time in his life. It seemed so strangely soft under his feet, but still he didn’t sink into the ground just because of it. A couch stood in the middle of the room, along with chairs and a table holding a fruit bowl as well as a bottle of water and two glasses. Bookshelves adorned the walls, causing Fili to feel dizzy for a moment. He’d never seen so many books before. Was this how the rich people lived in the city as well?

Fili had never known what their life looked like, being told no more than that they didn’t had to go without anything. But what money really meant the blond realised only just now, after seeing nothing but poverty his entire life. Money wasn’t just about a big flat and not feeling the constant gnawing of hunger in one’s belly. It was about things like this too. About warmth and books, neatness and food that didn’t taste strange. All of a sudden it was so painfully obvious why all of those people out there where angry and jealous. He was jealous right now, too.

However, he wasn’t given the time to dwell on it any longer, for the opening doors of the elevator announced a new arrival and just a few seconds later Fili was engulfed in a tight hug, letting him feel his wound despite the painkillers.

“Thank God, you are alright!” Ori cried with relief.

Breathing through the pain Fili patted his friend awkwardly on the shoulder. “I won’t be much longer if you keep that up,” he forced out between clenched jaws.

Ori immediately let go of him, smiling sheepishly.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Just… I saw you lying in that capsule and you looked like you were dying and… I mean, they told me they would help you and that I would get in the way if I insisted on staying with you… but I was still worried they were lying and that brunet guy looked really intimidating, so I thought it was better to cooperate, instead of delaying your treatment with arguing.”

At the mention of Kili Fili sighed deeply, while Ori looked extremely guilty for leaving him alone with people none of them knew anything about.

“That was Kili,” he still decided to tell Ori the truth.

The blond trusted his friend. He’d met Ori through his mum, who was working at the same place as Ori’s brother did. They might not have much in common but the young man was kind and helpful, characteristics that seemed to die out growing up in a world repaying kindness with ferocity most of the time. It had also been Ori that got him the job in the factory after he’d unsuccessfully tried to find a job on his own. The government supported parents with money. They didn’t want a child to die, it was a future employee after all, but as soon as they turned eighteen the benefits stopped, seeing as they were able to work by that time.

Kili’s disappearance had been hard on him as well and so Dis had tried for some time to feed the both of them just with her wages. But in the end it wasn’t enough. Meeting Ori, starting to work, making friends with the redhead… all of it had seen him through this terrible time and now Kili was back and Fili still had no idea how to feel about it.

“That was Kili?” Ori breathed in disbelief. Of course he’d heard all the stories about him, it was a bit embarrassing but it was impossible to get to know the blond without getting to know Kili as well.

“Yeah.”

The pain hadn’t lessened during the last hours, if any it felt even worse. What was he to the brunet? Someone he could abandon as soon as he found more powerful friends? Wasn’t he even worth a fucking note? Had it all been an act? Fili had never believed his best friend could be so cold, but this was exactly what had happened. Kili’s behaviour, as Fili had experienced it, spoke of expediency and selfishness. He should’ve hit him harder.

“Speak of the devil,” Ori muttered as they caught the sound of the opening door on the other side of the room, opposite the elevators.

Kili froze for a few seconds as he noticed Fili. His face looked even worse than the last time the blond had seen him, the battered cheek accompanied by a black eye and a split bottom lip now. Lowering his head as he walked past them he took one of the elevators, not once glancing back at them. Fili couldn’t help but glare at him the whole time until he disappeared again. Vanishing without a word was really all Kili was good at, Fili thought with frustration.

“You must be Fili and Ori, I assume,” a deep voice yanked him back into the here and now.

A tall man appeared in the doorway, dark hair traversed by silver wisps and dressed in a fancy suit, beckoning them over. The friends exchanged a hurried glance before hesitantly following the stranger into the room. If Fili had thought the room they’d just left to be luxurious this one was even more magnificent. The furniture was even made of wood. It was so expensive and in fact forbidden if the blond remembered his lessons at school correctly.

The man offered them a seat on one of the comfortable looking couches and they complied without a word. Involuntarily stroking the fabric of the seating accommodation Fili wondered what kind it was. Their host handed both of them a glass of water, another strange thing. Clean water. Water that didn’t need to be boiled before it was consumed. He felt dazzled and took a sip in hopes it would help to clear his head, instead the fresh water chased tremors through his body, forcing him to put the glass down. This was a lot to take in.

“My name is Thorin Oakenshield,” the man introduced himself. “And what you see here is what my ancestors build in the years before the Great War. It was supposed to be something akin to a bunker, but now it is a haven for persecutees and the headquarter in our battle against Sauron.”

If this place had been built before the Great War it would at least explain the expensive interior decoration.

“Who is Sauron?” Ori wondered while Fili still tried to comprehend what he’d just been told.

Sitting opposite him Thorin intertwined his fingers as he leaned forward and his features took on a grim expression.

“Sauron is the founder and boss of _Mordor Industries._ ”

“The robot company?” Fili asked with a frown.

Thorin nodded. “But only on the outside or have you ever seen anything but those household-robots?”

Shaking their heads simultaneously Fili couldn’t help but notice the uneasy feeling settling in his stomach. The way Thorin spoke to them, with this stern voice and a patient but hard gleam in his eyes, the blond knew that whatever they were going to learn within a short time was going to rock his world and he couldn’t tell if he was ready.

“Since what you went through yesterday you have a right to hear why that happened to you, but you also have to be aware that once you know there is no way back. You can’t leave this place until we’ve either won or lost.”

Ori’s breath beside him hitched, whereas Fili mulled over his words not liking the way Thorin had phrased all of it. But at last he inhaled deeply and met the other’s gaze unrelentingly.

“Don’t use these words like you offer us a choice in that matter. We are here, at a place of which existence obviously only your people know. We are you prisoners regardless of what we decide, our consent won’t change that, it was never our decision in the first place. For we can’t leave, the risk of revealing the existence of Erebor is too high.”

Beside him the redhead gasped, but Fili wasn’t breaking eye contact until Thorin leaned back with a chuckle.

“Kili told me you were smart. Now I regret not believing him.”

Fili tried to nip the sudden flicker of fondness for Kili in the bud, but it was to no avail and somehow this angered him even more than Thorin’s arrogance.

“It is true, you can’t leave, but you still have the right to know what happened to you and since this isn’t going to change your situation, why don’t I start at the beginning?”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thorin has some explaining to do...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this really dialogue-heavy chapter. I assume it will be pretty boring, but Fili and Ori need to know what's going on...

 

 

"About twenty years ago I started to work for Sauron. After the Great War our world was destroyed and people were suffering everywhere. Sauron's company was one of the few that had survived the destruction."

"Wonder why," Fili muttered sarcastically, earning a sympathetic smile by Thorin.

Ori beside the blond listened intently to other's words. He'd always soaked in all information like sponge. The young man was inquisitive, not a good characteristic in times like that, but Ori knew the dangers and therefore never really continued with the things he loved, fearing the consequences of too much curiosity.

"You are quite right. I don't think this is a coincidence either. Although he only inherited it, his family had always been influential. During the war the company was mainly known for manufacturing weapons, I don't want to think about how many people were killed by them. But after the war everything needed to be rebuilt, however, there weren't enough hands to do so. Robots were never really established into society, the people were too scared by the horror scenarios of so called experts, predicting that they were going to develop a mind of their own, seizing the power and turning mankind into their slaves."

As if the world as it was now was any different, Fili thought bitterly. They might not be the subordinates of machines, but they weren't free either. Suffering didn't know just one form, it hid behind many masks.

"But workers were needed to rebuild our civilisation or that what was left of it and since cloning had long been forbidden by the ethics commission the scientists in Sauron's company thought of something else. That's where the CAI come into the picture."

"What's a CAI?" Ori wondered. "I mean, I heard Kili say it while Fili was injured, but he didn't really tell me."

And somewhere in his head, a while ago still buried under the haze of pain, the blond recognised that word as well. Kili had said there was a CAI-incident. Had he been talking about the people attacking Fili and Ori back then? There wasn't really any other explanation coming to his mind.

Trying to get into a more comfortable position, now that the effect of the painkillers slowly seemed to wear off, Fili waited for Thorin's answer.

"CAI is what we call a copying artificial intelligence, although the name Sauron intended for his creations is ORC, an organic reproduced copy, but we don't call them like that. The communications intercept stations above are programmed to react to this word, so for our own safety, if we leave this place, we call them CAI."

"So they are basically clones," Ori stated, looking confused nonetheless.

"Not precisely. A clone would be an exact copy of a person, able to develop emotions and making decisions depending on these emotions."

"And a CAI can't do that?" Fili asked.

"Indeed, they can't.  They can copy a human body and they can copy emotions, but they aren’t able to develop emotions. What they know of feelings is only what their host offered them.”

Fili couldn’t help but shudder, it almost sounded like the CAI were parasites.

“But to copy a body and emotion… a really intensive analysis of the genetic code and the brain waves would be needed, if it is to copy emotions and not develop them themselves how clones did before it was forbidden to create them,” Ori explained with a frown, obviously trying to piece the puzzle together. Causing Fili to stare at him in disbelieve. He knew Ori had his methods to sometimes get books the lower class was forbidden to possess, let alone read. But hearing his friend talk about this with so much insight made the whole situation feel so surreal.

Thorin on the other hand looked very pleased coming upon such knowledge.

“You are quite right. It would take us months or even years to decipher the complexity of one human being and now bear in mind this project was at first designed to create workmen to accelerate the reconstruction. So what his scientists did…,” Thorin paused. “What we did… was to create an organic artificial intelligence that was supposed to read the person it was meant to copy and then create an organic replica. A copy that contains the same knowledge as their original and reaches the same emotional state. They can still process new knowledge but without developing emotions they are easily indoctrinated. Therefore they are the perfect workers, they aren’t robots so it soothes the society, they can learn and follow orders, but still they aren’t considered human due to their missing emotions. That’s what Sauron thought the world needed.”

“Wait,” Ori interrupted him. “But if they can learn, how come they don’t learn feelings as well?”

Fili was still trying to get his head around what he’d just heard while Ori was already two steps ahead. So there were copied people out there or at least, it was intended to put them into the world. They couldn’t have finished this project already; the world still needed decades of rebuilding, if not more.

“Because you have to imagine their mind like a processor, everything depends on how they are programmed. The only reason they even adapt the emotions of their host is to make interactions with humans easier for them.”

“You are always talking about hosts,” Fili voiced with unease.

Thorin nodded gravely.

“As I told you, the plan was to create the CAI to rebuild our world, but Sauron had other plans for them. He wants to replace humanity with the CAI and rule over them, but to succeed he needs hosts for his CAI. As I already stated it would take years without the artificial intelligence, we planned to inject the CAI in the bodies of humans, let them gather all information that are needed and take them out again to create the copy in the laboratory. Sauron obviously thought this not fast enough and so he let his most trusted scientist Saruman reprogram the CAI. So what happens now is that the CAI starts creating the copy while it gathers information. Therefore the originals are forced to carry their own copies. The artificial intelligence is programmed to protect the CAI furthermore as soon as it lodged itself inside its host. Is the CAI injected there is a time frame of one hour to remove it. Attempts at a later time will cause the death of the host.”

Fili’s hands started trembling as he guided one of them to the stitched wound at his belly. _CAI-incident_ Kili had called it in the transport capsule after ramming a knife into his abdomen. He remembered the strange looking gun, the pain of the shot disappearing oddly fast. This was… they had… he felt suddenly sick. Forcing people to carry their own copies, birth them even? He cringed, not wanting to think how that CAI should get out if a male carried it. This was a violation of other people’s bodies Fili had never thought possible. How could mankind come up with something as cruel as this? If Kili hadn’t cut into his body when he did… would he have to watch how his body changed while his replacement grew?

The blond felt like he was only seconds away from throwing up.

“That’s what they did to Fili?” Ori gasped horrified. “Kili told me they injected something and I needed to keep him from screaming, just in case there were more of them around… but I didn’t think…”

Thorin groaned. “Yeah… about what Kili did… this was unacceptable.”

Fili sharply turned his head, looking up from his stomach and glaring at Thorin. Unacceptable? So he would rather Fili live with this thing inside him than getting him help?

“Don’t get me wrong,” Thorin continued as if he’d read Fili’s mind. “I’m glad you don’t have to carry a CAI inside you until full terms, but what Kili did was dangerous. It’s something for emergencies-”

“Seemed like an emergency to me,” Fili muttered, causing the man opposite him to raise his brows disapprovingly.

“Besides, he abandoned his mates. His unit. He can’t just run around, endangering our plans to save one person. It’s inacceptable and he will be punished for his recklessness.”

At this Fili snorted and if looks could kill the blond would’ve died a very slow and painful death, considering the expression in Thorin’s eyes.

“Seems like you don’t know Kili as well as you thought. Recklessness is pretty much is middle name.”

“When is a CAI carried to full terms?” Ori changed the subject, now doubt having processed everything he’d heard while he and Thorin had their little dispute.

The older man cleared his throat, fighting to regain a neutral countenance.

“Three months, their growth is immensely fast and it puts great strain to the body, for men even more so, since our bodies aren’t built for it. After leaving the womb they grow just as fast, it takes them five years to reach the age of their originals and only then they develop the normal aging process of a human.”

“And how many people has Sauron already copied?” The redhead asked worriedly.

“That we don’t know. What we know is that Sauron’s men will keep an eye out for you now,” and with this his gaze locked with Fili’s. “They think you are carrying one of their CAI and they will want it back, this is also a reason why you have stay here, it’s for your own safety.”

Although it was wrapped up a bit less intimidating it was still not what Fili wanted. Sure, they had saved their life and protected him from an awful fate with Kili even leaving his mates behind just to help him. But he didn’t belong here. And his mother was living in the city, worrying about him, unable to learn what happened to him. How was she going to afford the rent and food with her meagre income? She would either starve or find herself thrown onto the street. Fili couldn’t say what was worse in a time like this.

Pushing himself up onto his feet, ignoring the ripping pain in his belly he flashed his eyes at Thorin, who didn’t even as much as twitch.

“I can’t stay here. My mother will die without my income!” He said louder than was probably necessary.

His words urged Ori to his feet as well.

“As will my brother!” The young man protested.

Fili wondered if he was only imagining the flicker of uneasiness on Thorin’s features, but whatever he believed to see on the other’s face it was gone just as fast as it had come.

“That’s deplorable,” his voice was lacking any compassion. “But we can’t sacrifice everything we’ve achieved so far just for two people.”

Ori seemed too shocked to reply anything, while anger surged through Fili’s body. This couldn’t be happening... This guy wasn’t really just sentencing their family to death.

“Achieved? Since I got injected with a CAI I don’t really see how many great things you have done, seems to me like Sauron stills holds the upper hand. I’m not going to sacrifice my mum for strange beliefs!”

“Enough!” Thorin roared, getting to his feet so abruptly the chair he had been sitting on hit the ground with a loud crash. His eyes were gleaming with so much rage, had Fili not been as furious as he was, he might have shrank back under this look. “It’s decided. You will stay here!”

“Oh, no. We won’t,” Fili hissed. Grabbing Ori by the arm and pulling him towards the door. It didn’t matter that he didn’t knew the way any further than to the elevators, somehow they would manage to get out of her and no megalomaniac so called saviour was going to stop them.

“You will,” Thorin behind them uttered oddly calm after his sudden outburst.

And before they reached the door it already opened and a huge man entered the room, causing them to stop dead in their tracks. His tattooed, bald head and his scary expression chasing the anger from his body and only leaving a feeling of dread behind, Fili swallowed hard as he did a step back, still dragging Ori along.

“Dwalin here will ensure you two stay here with us. He will escort you to the dining hall, your living cabins and to your workplaces, you will earn your stay here, just like everyone else and I don’t care if you want to stay here or not. You will accept my decision or you will be punished. No one is endangering our plans. Especially not a smart-aleck lad,” Thorin told them, his words and the eerily calm tone sending shivers down Fili’s spine.

They hadn’t been saved, Fili realised. They had escaped one prison, just to be caught in another. Clenching his fists as he allowed the giant to lead them away from Thorin he held his head low, his mind roaring with thoughts, throwing curses at Thorin and screaming in fear for the wellbeing of his mother.  He might be under surveillance now, but this wasn’t going to stop him. He would find a way out of here, a way back to his mother. He wasn’t going to sacrifice her for Thorin’s stubbornness.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Ori see a bit more of Erebor...

 

 

Fili didn’t try to run, not yet at least. Dwalin was awful, not once leaving them out of his sight, but instead keeping them at arm’s lengths. They needed the right opportunity to escape, if they tried now and failed the blond was quite certain the scary looking giant would drag them around. At the moment he was at least just an annoying shadow. No, they had to wait and while they did Fili tried to memorize the hallways and places. It was quite possible he had to take the elevator to the top of this complex to escape, but he wasn’t sure yet.

As it seemed it was lunch hour, since Dwalin escorted them to a huge dining hall. Tables offering space for seats for no less than eight people. It was loud when they entered, a constant jumble of voices raising to the ceilings and echoing from the walls. It looked almost like the canteen of the factory they worked in, just that it wasn’t as loud and dirty and the food smelled much better, too. Fili didn’t really like the canteen there anyway, since they only served a cheap and tasteless porridge. Of course after hours of hard work he’d never been picky, but not very eager either.

At the food distribution stood a pudgy red-haired man, smiling kindly at the people in the row and filling their plates with something Fili couldn’t quite make out from the table Dwalin urged them to sit down. A loud whistling cut through the room and a few heads turned around to see what it was about. The angry giant beside them beckoned someone over, completely unfazed ignoring the strange looks he earned. Fili on the other hand didn’t like at all how all eyes seemed to wander to him and Ori, just as the people in the dining hall noticed Dwalin had to be their watchdog.

Heading over to them was a dark haired man with a funny looking head, a moustache sitting right above his bright smile. Considering his grey overall Fili suspected him to be a technician.

“You must be the two Kili brought back with him,” the stranger mused. “Nice to meet you. The name’s Bofur, how can I call you?”

“My name is Ori and this is Fili,” his friend introduced them.

Instantly the blond could watch Bofur’s lids widening as his gaze wandered to Fili, his lips turning into an oddly smug smirk.

“So this is the famous Fili?”

He frowned at that, but wasn’t given the opportunity broach the subject because Dwalin's voice interrupted them.

“We aren’t here to talk, get them something to eat,” he demanded gruffly.

“As far as I see it, they have very healthy legs.”

“And unlike Óin you have healthy ears. Now get them something,” he growled.

Bofur’s gaze went back and forth between Dwalin and them, a hint of understanding creeping into his eyes before he sighed. Since they had to know each other for quite some time or at least longer than Fili and Ori, it wasn’t that surprising someone realised they were captives. Dwalin towering beside them in such an intimidating manner made it pretty obvious as well. And when Bofur turned around, to do what he was told, Fili hadn’t expected anything else to happen.

This was humiliating. Everyone here had to think they were criminals, while in truth they just wanted to keep their families safe. But this was obviously not accepted here. How anyone of them could think themselves as some kind of saviours Fili didn’t understand. In the end they sacrificed people for what they believed was right, even if they wanted to think so, they weren’t so different from Sauron. And perhaps… Fili saw what mankind did, how people suffered and starved… maybe it was time to accept their fate and leave this world for good. Fili had a suspicion that their planet wouldn’t mind getting rid of them.

But still… even if this all would end very soon, he wouldn’t lose his mother to Thorin’s crazy plans. Not the woman that had raised him, had always supported him, had given him time when Kili’s loss had left a bleeding hole were his heart used to be. He owed it to her.

A familiar brunet head of hair pulled him out of his thoughts; perhaps Fili didn’t have a hard time to spot him, since he’d just remembered the pain of old, every other possible reason his mind tried to banish. Kili was carrying a dinner tray and standing in the middle of the hall, head turned into the direction of a little group, only one spare seat at their table. At first it seemed like he wanted to join them, but then his gaze suddenly started to roam through the canteen. His eyes met Fili’s for barely two heartbeats before Kili lowered his head with a jerk, heading for an unoccupied table.

The blond swallowed, not quite realising yet that he had to be staring. Kili had saved him from a terrible fate and he hadn’t even said as much as a thank-you yet. Cursing himself when his mind started to wander into territories he refused to tread, so what if Kili had saved him? He’d still rammed a knife into his belly without even the hint of an explanation, had left him for seven years, leaving him to think his best friend was dead. No… the brunet didn’t deserve gratefulness.

However, Fili couldn’t help but stare, despite his furious thoughts, for a part of him needed Kili close nonetheless. Had yearned for his return and missed his laugh. And seeing him sitting on that table all on his own, picking at his food made it hard to stay angry at him. Although it changed all of a sudden, movements caught his attention and not much later the group Kili hadn’t dared to join sat down beside and opposite of him. A small smile crept to the brunet’s ill-treated face. The blond man sitting down on his right put an arm around Kili’s neck and pulled him into a companionate hug. An intense spark of jealousy shot through Fili at the sight.

He was thankful when Bofur placed two plates in front of them and he could distract himself with eating. Fili couldn’t even say what was wrong with him. Of course Kili had been his best friend and losing him had been painful, but after realising he’d been abandoned he should be furious, shouldn’t care anymore about what had once been. He shouldn’t feel jealous just because the brunet was receiving affection from another person and not from _him_. This was just sick. Why couldn’t he just put an end to their friendship and forget it ever happened?

Because friendship didn’t work like that. Because loving someone didn’t work like that. They’d shared everything for years, such a bond wasn’t easily broken. Such a bond was just painfully when it was strained, like Kili had done. But it wasn’t broken, because some part inside of Fili wasn’t able to let go and Fili hated that part.

Trying to focus only on the food in front of him helped a bit to ignore the bitter feelings inside him and after a few bites he had to admit it was pretty good. Delicious to be quite honest and the blond couldn’t remember when had been the last time he’d thought about food like that. It were just baked potatoes, some kind of quark with herbs and mixed vegetables, groceries that could be purchased in the city as well. But these were hot and cold, strong and mild and practically melting on his tongue. Fili could barely suppress a moan of pleasure. All of his willpower was needed to keep himself from gobbling and although the serving had been plenty he grimaced when he was done, feeling everything but full.

Ori seemed in no better state, trying to scrape the crumbs of food from his plate, so invested with not even wasting the tiniest piece of food that he flinched when another two filled plates were placed in front of them. Surprised the both of them looked up to the corpulent man responsible for the food distribution, smiling kindly.

“Eat up, lads,” he urged them.

Dwalin choose this moment to interrupt the other’s kindness.

“No! No special treatment for them.”

“You will take a step back. This is my place and if I say these two get a second serving, then they get a second serving!” The cook – for why else should he behave like that – said, glaring at Dwalin just as fierce.

“No-“

“Good God, stop this Dwalin. Take a look at them! They come from the city, they are famished. Don’t you remember how it felt up there?”

Dwalin cursed. “Don’t dawdle! Eat up, you are supposed to join the agrarian group in an hour.”

They didn’t need to be told twice. By the time they were done the dining hall was already empty, safe for them and Bombur who began cleaning the tables and clear away the dishes. It was the first time in forever Fili wasn’t feeling the constant gnawing of hunger in his stomach. As much as he despised being a captive he’d to admit that the food was fabulous and Bombur seemed like a nice guy as well. He’d been beaming with pride when Fili and Ori complimented him on his cooking skills between another bite.

Now they were on their way to the agrarian group as Dwalin had called it. Fili couldn’t imagine what he was meaning with it. Not like the full description implied, obviously, how should anything grow beneath the surface, in a complex like this? It was impossible. But as it seemed to happen so often at this place Fili was disabused as they were led into a huge hall.

It was almost as wide as the halls of the factory they worked at, bright lights and warmth engulfed them as they stepped inside. There the blond saw the fields, defined into different sections. In one of them was growing corn, in another potatoes, beans, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries… this was a huge version of a greenhouse.

Now Fili understood were the food came from and why it tasted so different. They had to use solar-colour lamps and if they had clean water here it wasn’t surprising the plants benefitted from it.

“This is incredible,” Ori breathed and Fili had to agree.

Dwalin guided them through the hall to one of the sections were a man was busy with picking potatoes. Wiping the sweat from his brow he got up, when he saw the bald man approaching.

“Bard, these two are assigned to you today.”

“Ah,” he replied merely, wiping his hands clean at his trousers. “Nice to meet you. Who is the one of you that has gotten hurt?” He asked while shaking first Ori’s and afterwards Fili’s hand.

“That’s Fili,” Ori told the other shyly, looking still overwhelmed by this place.

“You are Fili? Well, I heard quite a lot about you,” Bard told him with a kind smile, before turning his head and letting his gaze wander over the inside of the hall, while Fili examined him suspiciously. The other didn’t realise, obviously deep in thought, but the blond couldn’t help but wonder why so many people here knew his name. Whatever the reason was Fili didn’t like it, not at all. “Okay!” Bard exclaimed, facing them again. “So, Fili will stay with me and help me pick the potatoes and you…”

“Ori,” the redhead assisted.

“Ori, you will go over there. Do you see the girl in the strawberry field? That’s my daughter Sigrid, she could use help watering the plants. Alright?”

They nodded slowly, not certain which was the best way to reply with Dwalin’s overbearing presence next to them. An expectantly glance by Bard set Ori into motion and Fili watched with dread crawling into his stomach, how the only person he trusted at this place left his side. Smiles and kind words weren’t really giving him the feeling of safety, since he knew very well that he was still a prisoner. At least Dwalin finally left him alone now, although Bard was there with him. He’d hoped this would happen at some point, Dwalin had to eat and drink eventually after all, let alone sleep or even more simple: take a piss.

This could be the timeframe he’d hoped for right from the moment Dwalin was introduced as their guard. The only problem was that he and Ori weren’t together anymore. But perhaps it was worth a try anyway, he could still get his friend out when he knew were the exit was located, furthermore if the people here realised he was gone it could offer Ori the opportunity to escape as well, for who would pay him attention if there was more important stuff to take care of?

And if Ori didn’t make it, Fili would return and get him out, maybe report these people and their secret fortress to the police. His mind was set, he just needed Bard to leave him out of his eyes for a few minutes.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili tries to escape...

 

 

Compared to the factory picking potatoes was pretty easy, sure Bard had to show him how, since Fili had never seen fields before that hadn’t been shown to him through a picture, but it wasn’t really hard. It would have been even relaxing hadn’t he waited for his timeframe. At the moment Bard was still too close, if he wanted he could probably tackle Fili to the ground if he just as much as twitched wrong and so the blond did his work, alerted gaze keeping an eye on his surroundings.

“So, how do you think about all of this?” Bard suddenly asked him after working together in silence for such a long time, if the blond hadn’t been so attentive he could’ve forgotten the other was even there with him.

Taken aback Fili frowned, shooting the dark haired man a questioning glance.

“What do you mean?” What he thought about all of this? He was a prisoner, didn’t this say enough?

“Well,” Bard continued, picking a few potatoes and throwing them into a bucket next to him. “I mean, Kili did quite a thing there, you know. He abandoned us up there in your favour… you might have seen his face, Legolas wasn’t particularly thrilled about it. You have to know that these two work together for… God, I think for five years already. They trust each other, so getting abandoned by your best mate isn’t something he took kindly to, not saying that the rest of us did. We were quite furious when we heard Kili had taken our only transport capsule back to get you help, as you can imagine.”

Pausing in his movements Fili just stared at his dirty hands. Kili had abandoned his comrades to get him help? This Legolas obviously hadn’t been as forgiving as the blond, considering how the brunet’s face had looked during their short meeting while he was leaving Thorin’s office or whatever one should call this room. This was so fucked up. He didn’t get into contact in seven years, but was ready to sacrifice his friends for Fili’s wellbeing. He just couldn’t get his head around Kili. What was he thinking?

“It’s dangerous to be up there for too long, but well, you might have seen us all sitting together again in the dining hall, so there is no bad blood between us.”

The jealousy returned in form of a fierce shot of pain to his chest when he remember that arm of the blond guy wrapping around Kili’s neck, pulling him close. Resuming his work way more aggressively than was necessary Fili threw some of the potatoes so forcefully into the bucket it almost fell over.

“What are you getting at?” He pressed between clenched jaws.

“Just… I don’t want what Kili did to be for nothing, you know? He speaks very highly of you, so we got an idea why he just couldn’t help it. But we would really hate the thought that our lives have been risked for someone who doesn’t care about this movement.”

How could anyone care about this movement if it meant giving up your family? Giving up the people you love? It was ridiculous. Did they all just think of the greater good? But what was the greater good worth if there wasn’t anyone to share it with? But how would someone like Bard understand, his daughter was obviously here too, so he had everything he needed. He on the other hand was going to lose his mother if he stayed, regardless if he did so willingly or because he was forced to. No… not his mother. She’d lost her husband, had lost the boy she’d loved just like her own son – although he was very alive but obviously didn’t care enough about Dis and Fili – she wasn’t going to lose him too.

But of course he couldn’t have Bard getting suspicious and so he lied. “I’m not quite sure yet how I feel about all of this. I don’t understand everything just yet,” he tried to phrase as neutrally as possible.

“I understand, this is all pretty overwhelming when you hear it for the first time,” Bard admitted, before getting up. “Seems like these buckets are full. I will put them to the others and get us some empty ones.”

Fili nodded, forcing a small smile to his lips and acted like getting back to work. Out of the corner of his eyes he watched the other walk away with the buckets. Gradually the blond counted to ten and then he got up, slowing himself as the surge of adrenalin washed through his body. If he started running now he would only draw attention to his plan. Without ostentation Fili crossed the hall thinking only of getting back to his mother and then finding a way to rescue Ori. He would manage, he told himself. Somehow it was all going to work out.

What Fili didn’t expect, however, was Dwalin waiting at the entrance to the hall of fields. He froze for a heartbeat, while the huge man stared at him in a mixture of surprise and annoyance, but before he could open his mouth to order him to get back inside, the blond already bolted.

“Hey!” Fili could hear Dwalin shout behind him. Glancing back for just a second told him that he’d taken up the chase.

Hastening his steps the blond tried to ignore the burning in his belly. He needed to get out of here. They couldn’t keep him here! They didn’t have the right! So far the hallway was empty and he seemed easily able to outrun the giant, for despite his strength he couldn't keep up with Fili’s speed. It was his advantage, but it could change very soon if someone should come to help Dwalin. He couldn’t let that happen.

Reaching the elevator Fili slammed his hand on the button, breathing hard and waiting for the lift to arrive, his gaze frantically alternating between glancing over his shoulder to his chaser and back to the closed door of the elevator. Shit… shit… if it didn’t come soon it would’ve all been for nothing and who knew if he would ever get a second chance after a failed attempt.

He heard Dwalin’s fast and heavy steps approaching, heard him shout something else that didn’t seem to be addressed at Fili and which was lost to the noise of blood rushing through his ears, but it wasn’t sounding any less threatening. His knees shock with panic until finally the door opened, Fili wormed inside before it could even slid out of the way wide enough, slammed another button and watched with wide eyes how the bald man spurted towards him.

The door closed and Dwalin’s fists hit the metal with a loud _thud_. The elevator started moving and Fili’s knees nearly gave out with relief. He was breathing hard, stumbling backwards until his back met the wall, a welcome support for his trembling body. His lung and his belly burned equally under the exertion and fear while his heart pounded painfully against his rib-cage. A wave of dizziness attacked him all of a sudden, causing him to close his lids and breathe through the nausea settling down in his stomach.

That had been far too close. Fili tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry from the run and the bit of salvia seemed to be made of glue. The world was still a bit fuzzy when Fili opened his lids again, knowing he would very soon arrive at his destination, after all he’d hit the button in full panic mode and couldn’t even say where he was going to end. Right now he couldn’t help but think that his plan hadn’t been as brilliant as it had appeared not long ago, since he’d forgotten about something important: the blood loss. It hadn’t been a component before, but just because he’d received painkillers and eaten the first meal in his life that hadn’t left him hungry didn’t mean he was up for physical activities such as this.

Straightening himself Fili tried to blink the black dots from his eye sight and hit the button for the highest floor of Erebor, it still wouldn’t prevent the elevator from stopping at another floor, but it was hopefully going to continue his journey sooner. He just hoped no one wanted to get in at the same time.

Of course he wasn’t that lucky. To be precise, though, the elevator didn’t even reach his first destination, but stopped all of a sudden, causing Fili to flinch. The blond’s breath hitched. Oh no, no no no no! How was he supposed to get out now? Had they stopped the lift or was it a technical defect? This couldn’t be happening! He’d come so far! Or at least that was what he wanted to tell himself. His more or less calmed heartbeat sped up again, tension sneaking into his muscles while he waited for something to happen.

It didn’t take long for a lurch to go through the elevator, almost unbalancing Fili. With a screeching sound the hatch at the ceiling was shoved to the side and barely a second later someone jumped down, right into the lift. Fili was only able to spot blond hair, before arms were already grabbing for him. Not willing to give up just now Fili took a swing at the guy, but his blow was blocked. Instead this allowed the stranger to catch a hold of him.

His arm was forced to his back in a painful angle, while his opponent used his strength to yank Fili around, stretching his upper body so fitfully a ripping sensation shot through Fili’s belly. He cried out with agony when the burning in his abdomen morphed into an inferno. A leg hit his and he crashed hard to the floor of the elevator, irritating his stomach even more and drawing a scream from his lips.

“Legolas! Stop!” A voice cut through the terrible pain.

Fili groaned, feeling like his body was consumed by flames. His belly burned, his shoulder burned and they seemed to connect, intending on eating him alive.

“Stop? He was the one that tried to run away, after you saved his sorry arse!” An unknown voice barked.

“It’s not his fault!”

“Oh, of course not. So he didn’t decide to run away and this is just a misunderstanding. Wake up, Kili!  He just waited for the right moment to betray us all, a fine best friend you have there.”

“That’s not true!”

Fili whimpered as the pain at his arm, wandering up to his shoulder, intensified.

“Fili?” Kili’s voice was so soft, everything he wanted was to drown in it and forget the agony in his body. Gentle fingers in his hair… God… he’d missed Kili so much he could barely keep the sob inside his throat. “Fili, can you hear me?”

Fili tried to answer, but his mouth was so dry and breathing hurt, he wasn’t sure if he could catch enough air to do so and then his belly… it hurt. But Kili was here so it could be worse. He could be all alone, without anyone that cared about him and even if his best friend had abandoned him so long ago, it was hard to stay angry when everything he wanted was to curl up in strong arms, listening to whispered words promising him that it was going to be alright. He wanted to believe it. He wanted his best friend back.

“Shit,” Kili breathed all of a sudden. “Legolas, let him go!”

“Are you nuts? No, I won’t, he will just try to escape again.”

“No! You don’t understand! His stitches have burst!”

Well, that would explain the ripping feeling in his belly not long ago. He didn’t hear Legolas’ answer, though, just embraced the black dots forming a dark blanket in front of his eyes and covering him with blessed ignorance.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili suffers the consequences of his attempted escape...

 

 

Fili groaned when he came around again, admitting to himself that trying to run with a stitched wound and the amount of blood loss he’d suffered from hadn’t been his brightest idea. Nothing could be done about it now, though. Someone was stroking his hair, just fingertips brushing lightly against his skin as the person did so, it caused Fili to blink. He’d awoken in a small room, dim light creating a gloomy atmosphere. The hand in his hair stilled and Fili turned his head, spotting Kili sitting on a chair beside Fili’s bed.

He looked sad and tired, the bruise on his face appearing darker in the scarce light. Fili didn’t know how to feel, happy to have his best friend at his side? Thankful for being saved from a terrible fate? Angry for the betrayal? Every emotion seemed to have its right to exist, but which felt more appropriate right now? The blond couldn’t say and so he just averted his gaze again, staring at the greyish white ceiling… he was slowly getting sick of that colour. Despite the dark parts of the city or the shabby flats people with little money had to live in there had always been some kind of colours. Mostly on the streets there was advertisement screaming in loud colours at everyone walking by those panels. Here, however, every wall looked the same.

And he felt so weak he could barely keep his eyes open, the dim light only making matters worse. There sat a deep exhaustion in every bone of his body, his limbs were heavy, weighted down by some invisible force. Fili couldn’t say how much blood  he’d lost this time but it was obviously enough to transform his energy into a flickering spark, barely resisting a storm and foredoomed to fail in the long run.

“Why did you have to do this, Fili?” Kili’s voice was soft, but it still cut through the silence like a hot knife through butter.

Wheeling his head around as if he’d been slapped Fili glared at the brunet, ignoring the black dots whirring before his eyes and the dizziness that hit him. His jaws trembled with suppressed anger. When he’d wondered a short while ago which emotion deserved to gain the upper hand it was now completely obvious.

“Well, I’m sorry that I can’t just abandon my mother like you did with your parents and me!” He hissed, noting pleased how Kili flinched upon hearing it.

“I didn’t want to leave, Fili. Please, you have to believe me,” Kili begged him, desperation creeping to his features.

But Fili couldn’t forgive him just yet. Not after all those years of mourning, of pain, of crying and missing the other like a lost limb… like a lost heart. Besides, the brunet still didn’t seem to realise why he just couldn’t stay here and do what Thorin wanted. Not when his mother up there was suffering. He’d learned the hard way how it felt losing someone that meant the world to you. His mother had already buried Fili’s father and the sorrow of his loss befell her even twenty-four years after his death. She shouldn’t have to lose him, too.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“I’m telling the truth, they were out there, searching for me and they knew their best chance was to monitor you and my parents. If one of you had known I was still alive it would’ve put you in danger and I couldn’t let this happen. You, your mum, my parents, they are everything to me,” Kili told him vehemently, before his voice faltered. “Were everything to me,” he corrected himself after a pause.

“Why were they trying to catch you?” Fili asked.

When his erstwhile best friend remained silent the blond tilted his head slightly, noticing the way Kili avoided eye contact in the process.

“I really have to mean a lot to you, if you can’t even tell me the truth,” he sneered.

“Fili-”

“I’m tired,” he simple brushed the brunet off, closing his lids and waiting for Kili to leave him alone. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He had to be really exhausted, for when he woke up the next time he couldn’t remember hearing Kili leave the room. And something else was different compared to last time he’d come around, while his limbs had felt unbelievable heavy back then this time some kind of fabric seemed to be wrapped around his ankles and wrists. Lifting his head Fili tried to find out what was going on, only to find himself restrained to the bed.

His breath sped up as Fili examined the thick, soft fabric binding his arms and legs. Yanking at them told him only that he could stretch one of his arms to grab something if he wanted, for a chain was attached to his bonds that could only give one limb at a time some slack. No, no they couldn’t do this to him. They couldn't leave him here, bound to the bed with just enough freedom to scratch his nose if needed!

Against better judgment he yanked at it again and again and again. Desperation growing with every failed attempt, his fitfully, too fast breathing guiding dizziness into his head until he was forced to stop eventually, since the room wouldn’t stop spinning and Fili feared to be sick any second.

A sob caught in his throat threatened to suffocate him as he fought against the burning in his eyes announcing tears. He didn’t want to show any weakness, wanted to be able to live without giving Thorin the satisfaction of successfully breaking him. But how was he to suppress it when everything he wanted was to curl into a ball and hide from the world, even this simple thing had been taken from him with the way he was restrained to the bed. He could do nothing but lie here for who knew how long. He was alone with only the silence to keep him company. His mother had to be worried sick and Fili didn’t want to think about what might have happened to Ori. What if they thought he knew about his attempted escape? If he denied it, would they believe him? Where they going to punish him regardless of what he told them?  It wouldn’t come as a surprise if Thorin was capable in doing it.

The first tear ran down his cheek, although Fili had pressed his lids shut and tried to hold them back, but to no avail. After the first tear there came another and still more until the sob morphed into a relentless force and broke free. It was all to break the dam, soon his throat and eyes hurt under his wails of anguish. Occasionally he started an attempt of yanking at his bonds, but every failed effort only intensified the pain inside his chest, causing him to cry even harder.

Fili didn’t know how long he lay there, weeping loudly. When all of his tears were finally shed, however, he just felt numb. His nose was clogged, his whole face felt swollen and his sight went fuzzy from time to time after all the exertion Fili had inflicted on his body with his crying fit. His strength was gone, his will to survive and to return to his mother was gone. What point was there in fighting? He couldn’t get out of here, not bound like that and this knowledge left him strangely empty.

After what felt like hours the door to his prison opened, Fili didn’t feel the need to look up, though. He just stared and when an apple was place on the small table beside his bed he merely blinked. A woman, long red hair flooding over her slender shoulders, appeared in his field of vision.

“Hi, my name is Tauriel,” she introduced herself, smiling kindly at him. “I’m here to look at your wound.”

If she was put off by Fili’s unresponsive behaviour she hid it well. Gentle hands started to roll up the hem of his teeshirt. Despite being prepared for her fingers to touch his skin he still flinched.

“I’m sorry. Let’s make this quick,” she apologised. “Kili sends the apple, by the way,” perhaps she was talking to distract him from the pain… as if he was feeling any. They must’ve pumped him so full with painkillers he would bet Kili could ram a knife into his stomach once more and this time he wouldn’t as much as twitch. “He said they are your favourites.”

At this point Fili wasn’t even surprised anymore that Kili still remembered. In the city fruits, like everything sweet, hadn’t been that easy to purchase. There was a waiting list and people like him and his mum with their meagre income had never gotten the really good ones. But even the apples that had been sorted out were delicious in Fili’s opinion. Apples had always been able to put a smile on his face. Not today, though.

“He is so in love with you, it’s quite adorable hearing him talk about you,” Tauriel chattered on.

Fili blinked. Kili… in love… with him? He tried to figure out how this made him feel, but there seemed to have emerged a wall where once his emotions had been located and even pushing against it wasn't helping. Perhaps this would be easier if her words made any sense, but if Kili truly loved him why did he have to abandon him? Why hadn’t he told him a CAI was inside his body, instead of just cutting him open? Why was he having secrets?

No… no…

Closing his eyes Fili chose to drift off, escaping all those questions inside his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

His next visitor was Bard. Fili had no idea how much time had passed. It could be hours or days, the dimmed light gave him no indication. The other man looked at him with an expression of disappointment.

“After everything Kili told me about you I really thought you would understand what we are trying to achieve.”

Their eyes met for a fleeting moment before his gaze wandered back to the ceiling. Silence reclaimed the room. Maybe Bard was waiting for an answer and therefore decided to stay quiet.  

“Do you even understand how close you were to getting us all killed?” This time Bard sounded way more aggressive, but it awoke something in him. Firstly he hadn’t been even close to escaping and dooming them all. He’d lost quite an amount of blood and was one against a little army of people, all under Thorin’s command. It must’ve been easy for all of them to stop him, seeing as he hadn’t even been able to reach his intended destination before the elevator was halted. And secondly, Bard, of all people, tried to make him feel guilty about his failed attempt! This movement seemed to consist only of hypocrites!

“Don’t talk to me as if you have any clue,” Fili hissed, clenching his fists but unable to do more due to the bonds. “You have your family here, safe, while you ask me to let my mum die. So don’t act like I am to blame for this! What did you do to Ori by the way, huh? Are you already tormenting him for being my friend? You are no better than Sauron, you just kill people for a different reason,” he spat, noticing with a hint of triumph how Bard averted his eyes.

These people lived in their peaceful little world far too long, had forgotten how it was to try to survive up there, in the city. Where there was barely anyone to trust. They had their safe haven here and they didn’t want to share it. It was disgusting. Fili wanted to rage, to scream, to get out of here. But the latter wasn’t possible and the other urges wouldn’t help him either and so he swallowed all the poisoned words sitting on the tip of his tongue, feeling the numbness slowly creeping back into him after his outburst, the knowledge of his helpless situation draining the anger.

“Ori is fine. He just isn’t allowed to visit you,” Bard explained, causing Fili to huff sarcastically. “And perhaps we aren’t right with everything we do,” the other continued defensively. “But we are trying to change something and stop people from dying for base motives. I know very well of the life in the city. I lost my wife in that world, so don’t try to act like we don’t understand losses. Everyone here knows the pain you are feeling right now just as well.”

Fili avoided his gaze, aware that if he didn’t he was going to snap. Compared to them he’d still the change to save his mum from starvation or God knew what would happen to her if she couldn’t cover the rent and was thrown onto the streets.

“You are the one that is wrong here, Fili, because you haven’t even tried to understand us and our goal. Perhaps if you found a reason to support Thorin he would’ve tried to help you in return. But you don’t want to see it like that. You are selfish and I understand, it’s the way you need to be if you want to survive up there. But someday you will reach the moment when this characteristic is going to destroy everything you love and believe me, you don’t want to experience it.”

It was silent when Bard finished his heavy words. Fili, still averting his eyes, couldn’t say what Bard was expecting. An answer? To this? Now he should be the one to be called selfish, because he didn’t want to lose his mother? To spare her from the pain of losing another person she held dear? This movement and his supporters seemed all insane.

The legs of the chair scratched over the ground as Bard moved it back to get up.

“By the way,” Bard said when he’d reached the door, “Kili is talking to Thorin right now and trying to get you free.”

If the brunet’s betrayal wouldn’t still sit like a hot stone in his stomach, he might’ve felt hope at those words.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... NaNoWriMo is over and this story still isn't finished. I assume this story is going to reach perhaps 40 chapters? Who knows, I fear I have just written half of it during November and now I hope my motivation won't leave me. Wish me luck!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which something unexpected happens...

 

 

His sleep hadn't been really deep, due to his involuntary fixation to the bed there wasn't anything he could do besides sleep. Only once Tauriel had come to untie him so he could use the bathroom, although even then he'd been forced to wear another set of shackles. The young woman had smiled apologetically at him, but Fili wasn't able to forgive her, like he could forgive no one living inside Erebor for kidnapping him, dooming his mum and binding him.

Fili was still ashamed of having reached for the apple at some point of his captivity. He didn't want to take anything from Kili, but it had brought him some sense of comfort, reminiscing him into the times where everything had been far from perfect, but the world was somehow endurable. A time filled with more laughter than the last seven years. It had all went downhill with Kili's disappearance, but they weren't able to regain what once was, this just wasn't like the world worked and after so much betrayal between them, how could there ever be trust again?

How much time had passed since Tauriel's... since Bard's visit? He didn't want to think about it, but time was merging and the longer he stayed here, on this damn bed, the more hopeless his situation was becoming. Therefore sleeping was useful to escape these thoughts and his blood loss was probably also helping in that matter.

But despite merely dozing than actually sleeping the shaking at his shoulder and the hand suddenly covering his mouth startled him. Reminding him of not long ago, lying on the ground, a knife embedded in his abdomen and a hand robbing him the ability to breathe properly. Automatically Fili fought against his bounds, yanking at the fetters but it was to no avail.

"Shh," someone whispered, someone Fili knew but couldn't quite recognise due to the panic overrunning his senses. "Can you be quiet?"

In an attempt to calm himself Fili tried to ease his breathing, assuring his frantic mind he wasn't suffocating this time. There was no pain to steal his breath, no need to gulp air through his mouth. The nose was enough and once he'd accepted this thought his heartbeat slowed, his vision cleared again and he spotted Kili leaning over him. Barely able to see the other's face in the dim light and with the way he hovered beside the bed Fili nodded carefully, noting with relief that the brunet let go immediately.

Fili frowned in confusion, watching Kili as he fumbled with the blond's bonds not much later.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a low voice. A thin, metallic tool, guided by Kili's skilful fingers, picked at what might be the lock.

"I talked to Thorin," the other replied instead of an answer, not once looking up from his task. "He said getting Dis out is too dangerous."

A pang of pain shot through his chest by the image of his mother, waiting for him in their shabby flat in a mixture of hope and fear until she was thrown onto the street, hurt just like the first time Fili had realised this was going to happen if he couldn't get out of here. He swallowed hard, trying to get a hold of his haywire emotions. Kili was here, had asked him to be quiet and was now picking at the lock with something that didn't even remotely look like a key. It was obvious Thorin wouldn't give him the permission to get him out of this room, away from these bonds. So what was he doing here?

"And?" He pressed.

"I'm getting you out," Kili answered in the moment the first soft handcuff burst open.

Fili drew his freed hand to his chest, now finally able to use both of them and rubbed at the red, irritated skin of his wrist while the brunet stepped around the bed and set to work at Fili's other wrist. This time he seemed to know how the mechanism of the lock operated and so he was done way faster, leaving only the bound ankles.

"But why?" Fili asked urgently. It wasn't like everything was going to be magically better just because he was able to walk around freely again.

Looking up Kili's eyes met his and Fili was stunned into silence by the expression he read there. This was the Kili he knew, the young boy doing what he thought was right and not what others told him to do. This was his best friend, his partner in crime at any given opportunity. This was his Kili.

"We are going to fetch your mother," the brunet told him resolutely. 

At first Fili could only blink, staring stupidly at his friend, but slowly the meaning of his words started to sink in and a wave of excitement descended upon him. Kili was willing to help him! Kili, who had abandoned him seven years ago, who had saved his sanity by cutting that CAI out of him before it could lodge. Kili... who was in love with him... He'd felt too numb when Tauriel had mentioned it, despairing at his hopeless situation. But now his head was clear and suddenly, faced with this knowledge, it seemed wrong to glance at the brunet in the way he did. As if he'd lost the right to look at someone so intensively that was in love with him.

Averting his gaze while Kili was still busy with freeing his ankles he pondered about the brunet's feelings. Would it change something between them? Not long ago Fili had wanted nothing to do with his best friend anymore, but he was here now and somehow this was exactly the sign of loyalty the blond had needed to look past Kili's disappearance. He'd missed Kili so much and of course he'd wanted him back in his life but with everything between them it had seemed impossible. Yet here he was, admitting mentally that Kili's love for him made him feel warm, but also very confused.

When did this happen? Certainly not before his vanishing, Kili wouldn't have gone to that party and put himself in danger if he'd loved the blond back then already. What was more important, however, were his own emotions. Did he feel anything for Kili that could be deemed more than just friendship? Fili couldn't tell. His worry for his mother still dominated his mind and although Kili's crush was flattering it wasn't the equivalent of love. Should he even address what Tauriel had told him? Would it make things awkward if Kili learned what Fili knew? Perhaps it was going to be awkward anyway after all those years.

Fili sighed inwardly. He needed to stop this... needed to focus. They were going to get his mother after all.

"And Ori's brother," he blurted out, when he was finally able to turn his mind back to the upcoming task.

Frowning Kili looked up from where he was still working on Fili's ankles.

"Who?" He asked.

"You know, the one you brought here with me. He has a brother and we can't just leave him."

Kili grimaced, appearing like he was going to protest, in the end, however, he just gave a curt nod. Satisfied with this result Fili didn't push, the brunet was going to help him and he wouldn't take the chance and change his mind just because he was too nosy and wanted to know what was going on. Their familiar relationship was gone and needed to be rebuilt, something only patience and trust could achieve.

Finally free some time later Fili groaned with relief, his legs were aching from staying in one position for such a long time and bending them right now seemed like the best idea he'd ever had.

"You need to change into this," Kili interrupted his moment of happiness, placing a set of clothes beside Fili on the bed. A coat, a scarf, dark trousers. They looked similar to those Kili had worn when they'd met in the city. "The less people catch a glimpse at your face the better," the brunet specified.

Swaying a little on his unsteady legs after not using them for a while one of Kili’s hands shot up, reached for Fili’s arm and supported him by keeping his balance. A worried furrow formed between the brunet’s eyebrows.

“Easy,” Kili muttered soothingly.

“I’m alright,” was his mere reply as he gently freed himself from his best friend.

“You sure? You’ve lost a lot of blood and were in a critical condition for a while. Oin even had to give you a blood transfusion.”

“Really?” Fili asked, staring at the other in disbelief. It would explain why he’d passed out so fast after Legolas attack and why Kili had been at his bedside when he woke up again, stroking his hair affectionately although they hadn’t been on good terms then.

“You had me really worried there, so try to take it easy until we reach the city.”

The blond shrugged, sure he was still feeling a bit worse for wear, but he’d rested for however long he’d been fixated to the bed. So it wasn’t quite that bad.

“Don’t worry, my legs just needed a moment to get used to standing again.”

It was supposed to be comforting instead Kili’s features were a portraiture of guilt. The brunet had always looked like a kicked puppy in those moments, even seven years hadn’t changed anything about it. He might have finally grown into his long limbs, but his eyes were just as manipulative that way as they’d always been, filling him with the urge to protect the younger man. It was quite ridiculous, if someone wasn’t in need of protection it would be Kili. He’d proven so very vividly with coming to Fili’s and Ori’s rescue.

“It’s fine,” he tried to reassure him, before getting dressed.

Strange how little it took for them to act like everything was normal again. Like they hadn’t lost seven years of being friends. Perhaps it was just as it was supposed to be, best friends to the end of time. Or it was connected to something else.

 _“He is so in love with you, it’s quite adorable hearing him talk about you,”_   Tauriel’s voice echoed in his head. He was glad to turn his back to Kili right now, feeling a blush creep to his cheeks. Fili couldn’t tell why his heart was beating so fast, he knew the brunet for such a long time, learning that he was in love with him shouldn’t make a difference. But somehow it did and he couldn’t even find the reason.

The coat was too long for him and the trousers too wide, but while he could provide a remedy in using a belt the coat had to stay as it was. Kili turned up his mouth, tugged here and there at the fabric but to no avail. At last he sighed.

“Well, that will have to do for now. We will look for some fitting clothes when we return.”

Watching Kili move towards the door Fili remained with widened lids, causing the brunet to turn around and glance at him in confusion.

“Is something the matter?”

“Aren’t we going to get caught if we just step out like that?”

Kili smiled dismissively.

“Nah, no worries, we don’t have guards here at night, just someone sitting in the monitoring room, keeping an eye on the cameras and raising the alarm if needed.”

“And who is there right now?”

Kili coughed, averting his gaze with a sheepish expression.

“That would be me.”

“And Thorin believes you won’t do anything stupid, after he told you no?”

Remembering the older man’s reaction after their conversation Fili could hardly believe it.

“Thorin trusts me,” was the simple reply he received. “Well, at least he trusted me until now. I don’t think he will do so anymore when he finds out.”

Fili wasn’t able to comprehend Kili’s relationship with Thorin, why his trust was so important and what were the reasons for the brunet to stay here and fight for a man that valued his goal over the people following him. But it seemed important and the blond felt like he was lacking some pieces to allow himself to judge.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Fili asked, a lump sitting in his throat transforming breathing into a far too difficult task. He feared the answer, but had to be certain. Kili seemed to have friends here, a life and although they’d been best friends once and he’d been so angry after learning he’d been left in the dark for such a long time, he couldn’t ignore the look on his face. As much as he wanted back to his mother, as much as he wanted Kili to help him, it wasn’t fair towards him if he just did it to fix what was broken between them.

Kili examined his features, seeming more confused than Fili had ever seen him. Whatever the other tried to spot in his face, he found it and gifted him a small smile.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he told him and with it reached for the blond’s hand and dragged him along. Out of the room and onto the hallway.

It had to be late at night for this place to look so deserted, but it was the reason they were able to step into the elevator undisturbed. They didn’t spoke during their escape, focussing on their goal instead. The doors of the lift opened and led to a huge warehouse. Shelves filled with all sorts of technical stuff Fili had never seen before, hoists and a broken transport capsule, obviously getting repaired by someone, if the tools spread around the vehicle were anything to go by.

Kili lead him past the capsule to the end of the warehouse, where they stepped through a heavy iron door, hiding three intact capsules. Of course, if they were under the sea right now they needed a way to get the capsules into the water without flooding Erebor in the process. Drinking in the the oval appearance of the capsule he barely felt Kili tugging him along and shoving him into the capsule, which was thankfully not the one he’d almost bleed out in or if it was, someone had at least been so kind to clean the floor.

Taking a seat on one of the upholstered benches, incorporated at the sides of the vehicle, Kili moved to the control console, his fingers pushing so many buttons Fili had no idea how the brunet could keep track of what he was doing. But soon a soft oscillation went through the capsule arousing it from its off-state.

The next lever Kili pulled either closed the door or flooded the chamber, for both of it happened and Fili couldn’t say which command had caused what. It didn’t matter anyway, only a few heartbeats later they left the complex.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Kili reach the city...

 

 

The autopilot had to be activated when Kili took a seat beside him, leaning forward to pull something out of its hiding place under the bench. It was a simple little bag that had Fili frowning, especially when the brunet handed it to him, smiling from ear to ear.

“Here,” he said.

“What’s this?” Fili asked instead of peeping inside.

“Apple cake!”  Kili explained proudly. “I told Bombur how much you like apples and he instantly offered to bake you one, since you complimented him so nicely on his cooking skills. Not many here do this, they just take his food for granted, so he was really eager to give you a treat.”

With huge eyes Fili’s gaze wandered between Kili’s bright features and the bag in his hands. Just because he’d done the most decent thing in the world he was getting cake? This seemed ridiculous but at the same time he couldn’t stop the excited somersault his heart seemed to do at Kili’s words. He didn’t know if he would ever take food for granted and pie even less so. His mother might have baked sometimes, but it was so rare he barely remembered the taste of sweet cake dough. Apple cake was completely new to him, since his Dis had mostly only been able to afford one, sugar or fruits.

Rustling he opened the bag, spotting four big slices of cake. The sweet flavour of apples hit his nose and he sighed contently just from the delicious smell.

“I will have to thank Bombur when we return,” he hummed, barely able to restrain himself as his stomach decided to rumble.

Kili’s smile, if even possible, grew only wider.

“You should eat, you will need your strength once we reach our destination and even after the blood transfusion it can’t hurt to eat something.”

The brunet was probably right, still it seemed wrong to eat them on all on his own and so he handed one of the slices to Kili, who took it without protesting and just beamed at him. His heart did another somersault.

“Thank you!”

They munched in silence at their treat and while Kili probably had already eaten a cake like this, since he knew Bombur far longer than Fili, it was completely new to him. The apples inside the cake were sweet and soft, the dough light and tender, almost melting in his mouth, luring an obscene moan from his lips. Kili beside him giggled.

“I take this you like it.”

“I’ve never eaten something so good,” he agreed. After devouring the first slice he wanted to share the last two with Kili, but his friend just shook his head when Fili attempted to do so and a greedy little part in him was thankful to have the last slices all for himself.

After he was done Fili couldn’t help himself and stared at Kili out of the corner of his eye then and again. In the dim light of the transport capsule the bruises seemed a lot darker and worse and knowing that he was the cause for one of them made him swallow past the sudden lump in his throat. Of course he was still hurt that Kili hadn’t tried to get into contact with him after everyone thought he disappeared and was most likely dead. But Kili had also saved him from a fate far worse than death - at least in the blond’s opinion - and was now on the way with him to the city to get Dis and Dori out of harm’s way.

Despite not being the young boys anymore, parting at terrible circumstances, they were still friends. During the last hours Kili had proven this a lot more than he himself. Fili sighed.

“Thank you, Kili.”

“What for?” The brunet had the cheek to ask and looked completely sincere as he did so.

“For cutting that CAI out of me in time… for helping me to get my mum and Dori to safety,” he told him quietly.

“Well… it’s not like you should thank me for it… it almost killed you. As for your mum and Ori’s brother… you should wait until they are safe before thanking me.” He sounded exhausted, giving Fili for the first time since their reunion a hint that perhaps this wasn’t all so easy for him as it had seemed at first.

“It doesn’t matter, you are here and helping me. That’s more than anyone else in Erebor would do for me and for that I’m grateful.”

The smile returned to Kili’s lips, flooding Fili’s insides with warmth. This smile always belonged to Kili’s lips, he shouldn’t be contemplative or sad. Carrying these emotions appeared so wrong for him. Kili was loud, bright smiles and laughter, bringing joy to everyone who listened. He was a little piece of light in the darkness and Fili wondered now, sitting in peaceful silence beside him, if perhaps he’d taken the brunet for granted. With all their suffering and Kili’s utopistic dreams it hadn’t always been easy to not get loud and shout at him to wake up already, that the world was a fucked up place and would always be, for the people with the power couldn’t be overthrown. Years ago he’d told himself that was what he wanted, for Kili to understand that he couldn’t save the world. Now, however, he was thankful to have failed. The world would have been a darker place without Kili’s light.

But although the brunet didn’t seem that different than before, Fili was still able detect something in his eyes he couldn’t quite class. Making him aware that Kili _had_ changed, but their distance coming with seven years apart preventing him from understanding what exactly was different about him and why.

“Will you ever tell me what happened?” Fili wanted to know eventually.

Instantly the brunet grimaced, averting his gaze.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, leaning forward in his seat and glancing at his own intertwined fingers in his lap. “I want to… but,” he paused, struggling for the right words, “it’s painful,” was what he settled on after a long silence, with only the evenly buzzing sound of the transport capsule engulfing them. “And perhaps you won’t like me anymore when you know.”

“I can hardly believe that,” Fili replied without hesitation, causing Kili to look at him with a frown.

“Really? The first thing you did after seven years was to punch me in the face.”

“I was angry. I wouldn’t have been that angry if you wouldn’t still mean the world to me.”

Before he was able to blush from this confession it chased away a part of the pain in Kili’s eyes and allowed the little smile to return to his lips.

“I mean it,” he continued with embarrassment, coughing slightly.

But whatever Kili wanted to say when he opened his mouth a beeping on the control console interrupted him. The smile was replaced by an expression of determination.

“We’ve arrived,” the brunet declared.

The warm atmosphere between them was gone in mere seconds, dispelled by the seriousness of their surroundings and goal, they were back in the city and this place had always been dangerous. The capsule had brought them through a tunnel into the sewage system beneath a world of concrete buildings and plastic. It awoke memories of pain and being carried by Kili, bleeding and the feeling of flying. The water smelled terrible, but thankfully the brunet decided against leading him through endless tunnels, instead they used the first manhole to get out, probably because wading through the reeking sludge could attract attention. Of course there were quite a lot homeless people out there, smelling not much better than the sewage system beneath the city, but Fili suspected that everything stood and fell with disguise and people clothed like they were – although recording to Kili they would try to avoid as much contact with others as possible – wouldn’t reek. It could cause suspicion if they did.

It was a strange feeling to be back, despite his short absence. The familiar smog burdened air engulfed him in a sense of home and fear. Where they got out the street was empty, which wasn’t surprising considering it was late at night and that they hadn’t chosen the main roads to appear in the city again. Kili led him through hallways, always staying in the shadows and telling Fili with little signs of his hands to do the same. The scarf covering his face soon stuck to his face uncomfortable due to the moisture coming with every exhalation. The blond had no idea how Kili couldn’t go insane because of this annoying feeling, but he also realised that Kili knew pretty well what he was doing. Often they would change directions when Kili spotted something Fili hadn’t even the time to get aware of. If it were people they tried to avoid or something else Fili wasn’t able to tell.

His heart beat faster with every change of streets. It took them forever to reach the tenement building Fili lived in, so long he couldn’t help but glance every so often at the smoke. Although the smog was reflecting the lights of the city it couldn’t be that long before the sun rose. Hiding would be impossible by then, the city busting with life and people. How should they even get his mother out that night when disappearing down a manhole wasn’t an option? Let alone fetch Ori’s brother? He didn’t live that far away, but with the way Kili was without a doubt going to lead them Dori could as well reside in another neighbourhood.

Though, that thought was forgotten for the moment when they reached the backyard of their destination.  Fili granted himself a breath of relief as he hurried past Kili and towards the door leading to the staircase. He wasn’t given the chance to reach for door handle, however, for suddenly he was grabbed by his shoulder and yanked backwards rather roughly, almost causing him to lose his balance and make an acquaintance with the hard ground.

“What the fuck, Kili?” He hissed, barely able to keep his voice low to attract no unwanted attention.

“Look,” the brunet replied calmly, went into a kneeling position and beckoned him over. 

Frowning Fili crouched beside him, following with his eyes where Kili’s finger pointed at. He couldn’t quite make out what it was, since the darkness hid it almost completely, but it resembled screw heads pullulating from the doorframe.

“You see this?” Kili whispered.

Fili nodded. “What is this?”

“Infrared sensors, the building is watched, the system will raise an alarm if someone steps inside that can’t be identified.”

Fili blanched. He would’ve ruined everything if Kili hadn’t stopped him from just walking inside. He cursed his own impatience inwardly. He wanted to save his mother, but it wouldn’t help her if their cover was blown.

“What are we going to do now?” He wondered, worried gaze turning to Kili, who looked kind of erratic faced with this unexpected problem.

His eyes wandered over the house front, to the door and Fili and back up. He wasn’t as calm anymore as he had before when he started to pace back and force, a hand going to his head and ruffling his hair under the hood.

“Uh,” an unsettled sound escaped Kili’s throat, a sound Fili didn’t like.

“Kili,” he urged the other. They couldn’t stay here too long while doing nothing. He might not know as much about the things happening in this city as the brunet, but he’d grown up here nonetheless and understood the risk of remaining at one place for too long at night.

“We have to go,” the brunet muttered eventually, trembling slightly.

But Fili’s mind wasn’t able to settle on Kili’s agitated state. His friend’s words hastening his breath and heartbeat equally with disbelief and fear, while all different kinds of thoughts roared inside his head, fighting for dominance. Betrayal, anger, disappointment, fear… everything tumbled around in his mind, irritating him even more.

“You can’t be serious! We almost made it! We just need to get inside, there has to be a way!” Fili appealed urgently to Kili. He wanted to insult him for his cowardice, though a part of him understood that he needed the brunet. He didn’t know enough about the technical achievements of this world. Kili on the other hand did, he’d spotted the sensors immediately, after all.

“There is no other way without getting caught, we have to go, now! The longer we stay here the greater the danger!”

“We can’t just leave my mum!” He tried again, voice lifting slightly. Under his desperation he was barely able to keep himself in check. Staying quiet while he wanted to scream was almost tearing him apart inside under an unknown force of fear.

“We’re not giving up,” Kili told him hurriedly. “But we can’t stay and we can’t get inside. We have to leave for now, concoct a plan and return another day.”

“And go back? Thorin won’t let us go again! This time he will tie you to the bed as well,” Fili argued, clenching his fists. It was hard to resist the urge to hit something. Trying to get Kili to understand seemed to be as successful as talking to a wall.

“I didn’t say we are going to return to Erebor,” Kili argued, stepping up so close to Fili their noses almost brushed together, but he needed to bridge the distance to whisper his words, perhaps fearing for a communications intercept station to be near by.

“Then what should we do instead. We don’t have the time to return to the capsule and we can’t hide from everyone when the sun rises.”

“We won’t. We have men here, working for our cause. We will go to one of them. Hide there and discuss how to get to your mum when it is safe.”

Fili swallowed, glancing longingly at the window where he knew their flat to be located. Perhaps he could’ve guessed Thorin had his men even in the city, as unlikely as it seemed, since normally people talking about overthrowing the system disappeared pretty fast. On the other hand, however, Thorin’s men probably knew how to keep a low profile. It was the most sensible thing they could do right now, even though it was possible the man Kili would lead him to was going to inform Thorin about their whereabouts. It was the best option and still Fili was barely able to tear away from this place. His mother was close, but he couldn’t do anything.

He nodded after another little eternity, although in truth only minutes could have passed, at max.

Despite the scarf covering Kili’s mouth and nose Fili saw the relief gleaming in his haunted eyes. When the brunet started to leave this place behind the blond followed him with a heavy heart.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Kili seek shelter...

 

 

They went down a manhole again at the next opportunity, not caring about the stench this time for Thorin’s contact in the city was probably able to provide them with new clothes and a shower. Drenched up to the thighs they walked for quite some time, while the city above them awoke, traffic noises drifting to them as they cut their way through the water until they reached a maintenance area. A sudden feeling of dread wormed its way into Fili’s stomach, reminding him how Kili had cut into his flesh to remove the CAI inside his body.

When he didn’t follow the brunet right away Kili turned around, noticing the reason behind the hesitancy instantly. In the neon light of the room Fili could see him draw his eyebrows together in a frown, telling him that the other was grimacing, probably blaming himself for Fili’s reaction.

“I won’t hurt you. You know that, don’t you?” The brunet asked him, but he didn’t sound very confident as he almost whispered those words.

Fili swallowed hard, he wanted to reassure his best friend, but he couldn’t, for his heart pounded like a rapid paw hitting the ground. Kili’s face fell when Fili didn’t answer immediately. The scarf hiding his face couldn’t keep him from noticing it, for the brunet’s eyes told him everything he needed to know and it clenched his so heart painfully that he wanted to dispel it, but it would be a lie.

“I promise I won’t hurt you,” Kili breathed, his voice appearing kind of choked.

Fili nodded, throat seeming far too tight to utter a comprehensible answer, so instead he took a deep breath and entered the maintenance room. The sewage system was obviously the only place they could walk freely without fearing to be spotted. The blond had realised this pretty soon, but seeing Kili feeling the wall with his hands, not even looking for sensors, cameras or communications intercept stations, showed it quite plainly. Eventually he found what he’d been looking for and reached for a knife.

Fili froze at the sight and was only able to relax when Kili shoved the blade in the chink between two stones. The blond was glad his friend had turned his back towards him, it probably would’ve only caused him to feel even worse. The blade was juggled up and down until one of the stones got lose enough for Kili to pull it out. Then he reached into the originated hole, where he must’ve pulled a lever or pushed a button, for just a heartbeat later a secret door opened to Fili’s left.

Fili’s eyes widened as a dark hallway stretching out before him. Meanwhile Kili put the stone back from where he’d removed, to cover their traces Fili assumed, and stepped into the opening, beckoning him over.

The watch Kili was wearing turned soon out to be a lamp the brunet used to illuminate their way with. The hallway morphed into stairs and not much later they reached a door. Fili assumed it was locked, his friend wasn’t trying to open it after all. Instead he knocked, a strange rhythm echoing through the narrow stairwell. Kili seemed to count the pauses between each knock, for his hand hovered then and again over the heavy door, without doing anything. In this moment the blond realised it was a knocking code he was using and after the brunet lowered his hand it didn’t take very long for the door to be opened.

“Well, well,” a voice greeted them. “What do we have here?”

A red haired man was revealed, wild hair gelled into a strange shape, almost like a star. It looked rebellious, the lip piercing only underlining this impression. Tattoos adorned his naked arms, black lines coiling around them in a pattern Fili couldn’t read. But he knew that dangerously gleaming eyes, the lips pressed together to form a stern mask framed by a wild beard. He’d seen him on pictures drawn by skilled fingers of a friend and until now the blond had never understood how close to the movement he’d been just in befriending someone after Kili’s disappearance.

“You are Ori’s brother,” he blurted out with surprise before even the brunet or Nori could opened their mouths to utter words of greeting or whatever they usually did when they met each other.

Kili turned around, eyes widening with disbelief, while Nori’s face morphed into a similar mask.

“You know him?” Kili asked.

“Well, not personally,” Fili admitted, feeling suddenly a bit uneasy regarded with such intense stares. “But I saw drawings Ori did of his other brother and this is totally him, although… Ori told me he is still in prison, without chances of getting out anytime soon.”

This seemed to be the sign for Nori to grab them both by one arm and yank them inside, before closing the heavy door again. The room they entered was a cosy little thing Fili hadn’t expected. An old red carpet covered the floor, a comfortable looking couch stood in the middle of the room accompanied by armchairs and a small table carrying a steaming cup of tea beside an ashtray holding a glowing cigarette. All sorts of strange stuff was attached to the ceiling, looking like metal and wooden necklaces, but in such weird shapes Fili was sure they answered another purpose. Opposite the door a huge desk was located, monitors piling up on it with only one keyboard in front of them, probably to control what those screens surveilled. Fili wasn’t able to catch a good glimpse at them, but between the dim light inside the room and being pushed in this and that direction he thought it looked like the entrance area of a really important building, if he wasn’t imagining the fancy transport vehicles.

“What the heck is going on here and who is he?” Nori snapped, appearing anything but pleased to see them.

“We are trying to get his mum and Ori’s brother… well… your brother, as it seems, out of the city and to Erebor,” Kili answered hurriedly, as if he’d already experienced the other to be anything but a patient soul.

Crossing his arms in front of his chest Nori glared challengingly at Kili. “There wasn’t anything like this scheduled for today. Thorin didn’t contact me, so I assume you are here on your own. Have you lost your mind? You know how dangerous it is to get out here without ensuring it is safe to do so!”

“We didn’t have a choice!” The brunet insisted. “He and Ori got attacked and we brought them to Erebor and you know Thorin, he needs an awful long time to warm up to people-”

Fili had to resist the urge to roll his eyes, warming up weren’t the exact words he would have used to describe Thorin, a controlling egoist seemed way more fitting.

“-he didn’t allow them to leave and hasn’t offered to get their family to Erebor, but without them his mum and Ori’s brother… your brother can’t survive. I mean, you know how this works and therefore we got here to bring them to Erebor. But we discovered the home of his mum was put under surveillance and we didn’t have any other place to go before morning, so we came to you.”

“So you are openly disobeying Thorin? Have you lost your mind?” Nori hissed, his features morphing into sincere shock. “And now you what? Let me guess, you need my help?”

“Don’t be like this, this is about your brother, too. Don’t forget that. They were almost injected with a CAI.”

The mention of the artificial intelligence cast a veil of tense silence over the room. Fili couldn’t say why Kili was lying on his behalf, to avoid unpleasant questions? Because his friend felt still guilty for hurting him?

“Who is he even?” Nori wondered suspiciously, gaze wandering to Fili and examining him appraisingly.

The blond felt immediately uncomfortable.

“This,” Fili could almost hear Kili swallowing hard, “is Fili,”

A hint of recognition crept to Nori’s face, changing his expression that was still not very pleasant but less intimidating.

“Oh, the friend of yours you had to leave behind.”

Those words so bluntly voiced allowed the old pain to return to the blond’s heart, reminding him of nights hoping, crying and praying for the safety of his best friend. But besides the familiar feeling of loss, betrayal and mourning sat another emotion, a warmth so intense like it hadn’t reached him in years. Kili had talked about him to Nori and not only to him. To Thorin, Bombur, Bofur, Bard, Legolas, Tauriel. Shit, was there even one person in Erebor Kili hadn’t told about him? It spoke volumes of Kili’s love for him. For the first time he realised the brunet must’ve missed him just as much as the other way round, perhaps even more. A few days safe in Erebor Fili had been nearly going insane with the need to get back to his mother, Kili might have felt the same. Had wanted to get him to safety but wasn’t allowed and even if he was, what if the infrared sensors had already been attached to the building by the time Kili had gone missing. Paying attention to such stuff had never been an option since he hadn’t known these things could exist in such a poor neighbourhood. With the help of this new awareness the brunet appeared in a completely different light.

Of course the pain of all those years of longing and mourning wasn’t suddenly going to disappear, but it changed it into something bearable.

“We need your help, Nori,” Kili begged the redhead. “There are infrared sensors on the building. We can’t get inside. They will still be looking for Fili after he managed to escape them.”

Nori cursed.

“Going against Thorin’s orders like that… you owe me one,” he warned.

Kili merely nodded, obviously prepared for such an outcome. Nausea spread into his stomach at the thought what Nori might be aiming at. He wasn’t going to put him in danger, was he?

Leaning forward to reach for his cigarette Nori inhaled deeply, smoke surrounding him for a moment when he breathed out again. “Well then, tell me about your mum. How does she look? Where and when is she working? Is there some kind of message I should deliver to her?”

They took a seat on the couch, while he tried to ignore that Kili attempted to keep as much distance between them as the sitting accommodation allowed. The next hour he informed the redhead about Dis’ daily schedule, specifying some things then and again whenever Nori asked a question. Armed with a pen and a notepad he scribbled every time Fili told him an address or described his mother’s appearance. That he didn’t wanted to know anything about Dori wasn’t surprising, he probably knew more about him than Fili could tell him, although Thorin’s spy hadn’t seen them in four years, but if he was able to stay undiscovered for such a long time he probably also managed to keep an eye on his family every once in a while. Kili remained silent the whole time they talked.

Eventually Nori leaned back, flipping through the pages of notes and reading over some of them.

“Alright. I will have to do a few calls before I can leave, how about you rest meanwhile?”

Fili wanted to object, he felt far too worried to catch any sleep right now, but one glance at Kili caused him to hold his tongue. The brunet looked like he was about to fall asleep any second. Tired lids blinking quite often to stay awake, dark circles surrounding his eyes and reminding the blond that while he’d been strapped to a bed with more than enough time to sleep his best friend was probably on his feet for more than twenty-four hours.

And so he just nodded and allowed Nori to lead them into another room. Maps on the wall and on a huge table, books barely held by overstuffed shelves told Fili that this was probably a study for whatever plans Nori concocted. There weren’t any beds, but a carpet was spread out on the floor and with being handed a few blankets and pillows it would easily do for the moment. Again Kili brought as much distance between them as possible, lying down on the other end of the room. Fili wondered if this behaviour was related to his own fearful reactions when they had stepped into a maintenance area once again, since they’d sat next to each other in the transport capsule as if nothing had changed between them. The thought shot a painful stab through his chest.

He couldn’t help his subconscious response, but he didn’t want this new range between them. However, as he lay there, listening to Kili’s breath evening out Fili had no idea how to change it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... I'm kinda in a dilemma at the moment and I would like to hear your opinion. The thing is, Kili's story during the last seven years will be revealed at some point, but I would really like to put a flashback into the story, told from the pov of another character that is neither Fili nor Kili. I think it would give said character a few more facets and at the same time would show more about Kili than might be revealed later. The thing is, I feel like such a flashback wouldn't fit into the story, since it's actually Fili's story and will be only told from his pov. So I kinda feel like it will be a breach in the storytelling if I include this flashback. So I would really love to hear your opinion. Do you think such a flashback would be bad for the story or would you appreciate a change of pov just for one chapter? Please let me know!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili gets a few more information...

 

 

Fili tried to sleep, but it wouldn’t come. He just lay on a blanket, covering the already soft carpet and stared at the ceiling, Kili’s deep breathing on the other side of the room the only thing to keep him company. Because of being strapped to the bed for such a long time he was wide awake and also had no idea how much time had passed since the day the brunet had saved him. It could be days, but also weeks and it felt strange to lose track of time so much he wasn’t even able anymore to tell what day it was right now.

Rolling on his side and on his back again when this new position didn’t bring any sleep either Fili sighed. At least he’d gotten used to the smell of their clothes after wading through the deep water. They might have gotten out of the soaked clothes before lying down and Nori had taken them out, but it didn’t change the fact that they both still stank. Fili waited for another few seconds and in the end got up. He couldn’t sleep and he definitely wouldn’t lie around here the whole time, it reminded him too much of the sick-room in Erebor where he’d spent who knew how much time. Quietly he snuck out of the room so as not to wake Kili.

The room they had arrived at was empty, although the blond was able to hear Nori talking to someone over a communication system in the other room, seeing as only one voice reached his ears then and again, pausing when his interlocutor had to reply something. Making good of the opportunity Fili slowly wandered through the room, taking a look at all the stuff he’d only been able to catch a glance at in passing. But even with more time most of things didn’t tell him anything, since he hadn’t seen anything like it before. If he had to guess, however, he would say they belonged to some sort of technical equipment. Realising pretty fast they weren’t going to tell him what he wanted to know about this place, due to his own sparse knowledge, he went over to the screens.

The entrance area seemed strangely familiar, as if he’d seen it once, but he couldn’t quite get his head around where. Tracing every monitor with his gaze he gathered more and more hints. The cameras had to show only one building and it was huge, without doubt located in the rich neighbourhood of the city. But only people of the senate and business folk lived there… what reason would someone like Nori have to surveil one of these houses?

“It’s the house of Gandalf the Grey,” a voice told him, causing him to wheel around with shock, immediately regretting it when it strained the stitches in his belly, one hand reaching for the bandage on instinct.

This got Nori’s attention, who had just returned and was the one startling him. Fili was barely able to comprehend what was going on when the redhead was already pushing his clothes to the side to catch a glance at his belly. By the time he finally realised what was going on the blond hurriedly tried to shove the other’s hands away from him.

“Let me have a look, they could have injected something,” Nori hissed.

“They haven’t injected anything, it’s just-“

“Oh,” but Nori had already found what he’d been looking for.

“It got already removed, Kili did it in time before the CAI could lodge,” he told him quietly.

Nori nodded, still staring at the bandage so intently Fili was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable and after a few endlessly stretching heartbeats, in which he didn’t know if he should bring a safe distance between them or just endure being examined like an animal, Nori started to unwrap the white linen.

“It’s fine-” he tried to argue but the punk was having none of it.

“You made a really sudden movement there and if you are stitched we need to make sure nothing has burst.”

Remembering the last incident with his wound the blond restrained himself from protesting and just allowed Nori to do whatever he wanted, just to hear an impressed whistle not much later, urging him to take a look at the wound himself, only to discover that there was nothing there instead of a jaggy white scar.

“What-“ he started, but unable to finish the question sitting on the tip of his tongue, too surprised to force noises around the lump in his throat.

“That are the regenerating stitches of Rivendell Inc., you just stitch a wound with them and they quicken the cell regeneration. You have some really powerful friends. This stuff is fucking expensive and usually Thorin doesn’t allow the medic team to use it. You will probably still feel a bit sore for a while, since it only helps the upper tissue layer, but at least you don’t have to worry about stitches bursting, for this stuff disintegrates on its own when the skin is healed.”

Somehow Fili couldn’t shake off the feeling that Kili had been responsible for getting him this treatment. The brunet had sat at his bedside during the time he’d awoken after Legolas’ attack, he’d also tried to convince Thorin to let him go and in the end, when this was in vain, went against everything he had so they could get Dis and Dori out of harm’s way. He might have abandoned him years ago, rammed a knife into his belly without explanation and wasn’t going to tell him anytime soon what happened while he’d been missing, but it was also obvious that he tried to make it up to him.

“How long is Kili already part of the movement?” He asked, sensing his opportunity of receiving answers the brunet couldn’t give him.

Nori, letting go of his clothes dumped the bandage on one of the armchairs and nodded at the couch, a sign for him to take a seat. Meeting his request he did as expected and waited for Nori to join him. The redhead disappeared through a door Fili had heard him talking with someone not long ago and returned soon to hand him a mug of tea, while Nori lit a cigarette. A thin thread of smoke meandered lazily to the ceiling, petering out part-way. The other took a drag while Fili warmed his hands on the mug.

“I think he is part of it since the very beginning,” Nori told him. “I met him for the first time four years ago, when Gandalf got me out of the prison. We were introduced and talked how I could be of more use here than in a prison cell. When I first saw Thorin and him I thought they were father and son with how humourless they looked. But luckily Kili warmed up with time. Got me wondering how I could mistake them for relatives in the first place,” shaking his head with a smile he inhaled another lung full of smoke.

“Wait… so Gandalf… one of the senators got you out and introduced you to Thorin and Kili?” He repeated, barely able to believe his own words.

“Yup,” the other gifted him a cheeky smile. “Come on, you didn’t truly think Thorin could do all of this on his own, did you? I mean, it’s nice to have a safe haven like Erebor, but that thing didn’t serve as anything for decades. The technology was outdated and there wasn’t any food or money to do anything with it. Without a benefactor like Gandalf the Grey or Galadriel of Lothlorien there wouldn’t be any movement.”

It made sense if Fili thought about it and people in Gandalf’s position probably couldn’t work against Sauron openly without endangering their influence and this was needed if they wanted to be successful. Still, it would always have a negative connotation in Fili’s opinion when common people were used for the interests of the high and mighty.

“Are they the only people supporting Thorin?”

“The only I know of,” Nori confirmed. “I’m keeping an eye on Gandalf’s house. Since we managed to eliminate Smaug they’ve gotten bolder with their CAI-plan, as if to show us getting rid of one of the most powerful of Sauron’s men isn’t hurting them. They try to take over the senate, starting with the lowest people. Like they are going to replace a cook or a cleaner with a CAI and then work their way up to a secretary so they can get close to the senate and replace these people, too. It’s hard to see through a CAI’s act, that’s why I monitor all of the people Gandalf and Galadriel are involved with, to ensure they are save and our movement isn’t in danger. These cameras here,” and with this he pointed at the screens, “are only a very small part of my surveillance.”

Fili frowned.

“But Thorin told me a CAI needs five years to reach the age of their original.”

“A few years ago this might have been true, but Sauron isn’t suddenly stopping his research just because we achieved successes. The CAI of today are aging really fast once they have been birthed. Quite often the people don’t even seem to go missing anymore, there are faked messages about their whereabouts and Sauron is a pro in letting those appear real and believable. And to be honest with you Fili, it doesn’t look very good for us. This isn’t about who has the longest win. We need to kill Sauron soon… if he controls the senate he controls everything… ”

This sounded different from Thorin’s words, but on the other hand Thorin didn’t look like the kind of person that just accepted a looming defeat, rather like he would die trying to win. And Fili couldn’t even fault him now. Being replaced by a copy wasn’t something he wished for himself either. Or for his mum. Or Ori and Dori. Or Kili…

Perhaps Fili had finally found the reason to help Thorin Bard had urged him to.

Finishing his cigarette Nori sighed deeply.

“Anyway, I will try to make contact with your mum now. I talked to Gandalf and got everything sorted during my absence here. Is there anything you want me to tell her?”

“Just that I’m alive and well and that she doesn’t have to worry about me,” he breathed, averting his eyes.

The other must’ve nodded, for he left without another word. He really had to trust Kili’s judgement to leave someone he barely knew in his hideout, with no one to watch him. Taking a sip of the tea Fili let it soothe the worry gnawing at his insides, he could only hope everything would accord to plan. That soon he could talk to his mother again, hug here and groan over some of the things she did and said that were rather embarrassing. He’d never appreciated these small things enough, just as he hadn’t appreciated Kili’s friendship enough before he went missing. Otherwise he might have done more to stop him on that fateful day. Fili was never going to take anyone for granted ever again.

The thought made his mind wander to Kili sleeping in the next room. He had his best friend back, someone who loved him so much he was willing sacrifice the trust of the people that had become his new family. If everything went well the blond would also see his mother again in a few hours… this knowledge gave him a reason to fight. A reason to support Thorin plans.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for telling me your opinion about the flashback! I have now decided to include the flashback into this story, although there is still a bit doubt there that probably won't vanish until I have uploaded the flashback and know your final opinions about it.^^"


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things go wrong...

 

 

Fili didn’t like waiting very much, especially when it was filled with worry and dread. Minutes started to stretch, seconds to stop and one was lucky to notice should an hour ever pass. Trying to keep himself busy with looking at the screens or other stuff wasn’t that helpful either to bridge the time and when the door to the room with the map opened and a bleary-eyed Kili stepped out Fili couldn’t help but sigh with relief. Immediately seizing the chance to distract himself.

“Hey,” he greeted his friend. “Slept well?”

“Uh,” the brunet rubbed at his eyes and blinked a few times, unfocused gaze barely staying on him. He didn’t seem very awake. “I guess.”

Fili frowned and watched worriedly as Kili dropped down beside him on the couch, shaking his head as a shudder run through his frame, vanishing as suddenly has it had come. But Kili still looked immensely small, smaller than Fili had ever seen him. Even as a little boy the brunet had been loud and optimistic, mostly more than was healthy for a life in the city. And when next Kili braced his elbows against his knees to press the heels of his hands against his lids, while he took shaking breaths, obviously fighting for calmness that wouldn’t come, a cold wave of shock washed over Fili.

“Are you alright?” Fili carefully felt his way. He hadn’t ever seen Kili like this. Vulnerable and oh so small. Kili was loud. Kili was bright smiles and laughter… Kili was… just Kili. There had never been reason to comfort him. Sure, when they had been younger both of them had gotten their fair share of painful scratches and injuries and then and again the brunet had started crying, causing Fili to put all the blame onto himself and to nearly choke on the awful emotions gnawing at him. But the tears always ran dry as fast as they came. There were never hugs and kissed needed like Dis had offered when Fili felt sad or depressed. It didn’t take more than allowing Kili to have his way to get the smile to return to his features.

“Yeah,” hearing that answer Fili really wondered if Kili thought he wouldn’t notice the slight waver in his voice.  “Where is Nori?”

“He is on his way to my mum,” he told him. “Don’t change the subject,” adding a gentle rebuke not much later.

However, Kili was still not looking at him and when another tremor dug its way through the brunet’s body Fili couldn’t just sit still beside him any longer. Shifting closer to his friend he didn’t hesitate, put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him to his side. Kili froze at the first contact, but was soon melting into the arms offering an embrace, burying his face in Fili’s chest and trying to regain his composure. The blond didn’t say anything while he held his friend, how could he offer words of comfort if he didn’t know what the other was fighting against? No, just showing him that he wasn’t alone had to be enough, his hand rubbing feathery over Kili’s back, all the while attempting to ignore that strange emotion inside him telling him the brunet just fit perfectly into his arms.

It was hard, since it once again faced him with the question what he was feeling for the younger man. He had thought them to be just friends before Tauriel told him about Kili’s true feelings and now Fili couldn’t stop scrutinising his own. Remembering every moment of fondness flooding him whenever he heard about the brunet praising him or the way his smile gave him a sense of warmth or his presence spoke of safety. Was it normal for friends to feel like that? He definitely hadn’t such a connection with Ori. Did it just come with knowing Kili longer than the redhead or was he maintaining a deeper relationship that equated with a usual friendship? Fili didn’t know the answer and it scared him. It seemed like no one had ever been allowed so deep in his heart like Kili.

Eventually Kili carefully pushed him away, an embarrassed blush creeping to his cheeks as he tried to regain their former distance, but Fili was having none of it, merely tightening his hold around his friend.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” The blond asked him softly.

At his words Kili tensed in his arms and this time when he pushed Fili let go, although he didn’t allow the other to change his sitting position, sensing that a physical distance would separate them on more than one level. If the brunet wasn’t ready to talk to him about the last seven years he’d to accept it, but he wanted at least his best friend back in return. This, however, wouldn’t work if he wasn’t willing to fight for it, for right now Kili thought he was doing him a favour in staying away from him, after Fili’s scared reaction in the sewage system. It was on him to show his friend this consideration wasn’t needed.

“No,” despite expecting no other answer it still stung. The curiosity was killing him, but he wouldn’t press.

“Okay,” he whispered, seeing Kili relax instantly at his words. He wouldn’t meet his eyes, but Fili didn’t mind, he probably wouldn’t fare any better. “Can I ask you something else?” Was what he said after tough minutes of silence.

“Go ahead.”

“Tauriel told me you are in love with me.” Fili trusted her word, he might not know her, but what reason would she have to lie? Nevertheless, he needed certainty. Needed to hear it from Kili himself. Perhaps if he was told the same by a voice that was as familiar as his own it would sort out the chaos within him. “Is it true?”

Looking at the brunet beside him expectantly he noticed his whole body going rigid as he cursed. It was quiet, but in the same time so sharp that Fili realised his friend must’ve used the worst insult he knew.

“I’m going to kill her,” was what Kili uttered next, loud enough to reach the blond’s ears again.

A tingling shot through Fili’s stomach of which he couldn’t tell if it was nausea or excitement.

“So it’s true?”

Kili continued to avoid looking into his eyes, head slightly lowered and face hidden by a curtain of dark hair. At last he nodded.

“Yeah,” he admitted, finally looking up and glancing at Fili worriedly. “Is this going to make things awkward?”

The answers he’d hoped for hadn’t magically formed inside his head. Instead the queasy feeling in his stomach remained and was by now accompanied by a rapidly pounding heartbeat.

“I don’t know.”

Grimacing Kili nodded again, accepting his reply. Regarding his expression it was perhaps more than the brunet had hoped for, but it was still painfully obvious he’d secretly wished for another reaction.

The uncomfortable silence finding its way into the room was thankfully broken when a door suddenly opened and Nori entered. His gaze roaming frantically through it before it came to a stop on them.

“Get up! Hurry!” He demanded, the look on his face preventing them from questioning his order.

The redhead was already moving over to the door leading to the sewage system. Following him down the stairs Fili started to sweat as the unrelenting hand of fear got a grip of his heart, hastening it once again and constricted his throat until he was barely able to draw breath. They moved quickly and avoided the dirty water whenever possible. Part of Fili was thankful for it, since they weren’t given the time to get fully dressed and were no running through the tunnels in shirts and their underpants.

“What’s going on?” Kili wanted to know after they’d passed the third curve.

“There was a CAI at Dis’ working place. It followed us when I was just talking to her and attacked us. I could kill it, but there are going to be more of these bastards around here very soon and I don’t know if anyone saw us getting down the manhole. So you have to get back to Erebor. Now!”

Kili shot Fili a concerned glance and at first it seemed to him like he wanted to tell him something, but in the end he returned his gaze to the way in front of his feet. By the time they reached the transport capsule where they’d first arrived Fili’s wound had started aching so much under the exertion that he pressed a hand to it in hopes if would soothe some of the pain.

Stopping beside him as Fili tried to breathe through the burning in his belly Kili reached for one of his arms, as if he feared the blond was going to lose his balance if he didn’t support him.

“I’m fine,” Fili reassured him between breaths.

Although Kili didn’t look convinced he let go of him.

“If you say so.”

“Kili! Get your arse over here! I’m not authorised to operate these things!” Nori shouted from where he was already waiting at the entrance of the capsule.

Together Fili and Kili joined him and stepped into the vehicle, but while Nori and Kili purposefully went to the control console Fili’s eyes wandered to the woman sitting on one of the seats. His mother’s lids widened with surprise and relief and before he knew what was happening she’d already gotten up and enfolded him in her arms. Fili hugged her back fiercely, drank in the familiar smell of her cheap shampoo and was barely able to suppress the tears threatening to run down his cheeks any moment. She was safe. Kili had held his promise. She wasn’t going to starve now or get thrown out on the streets. He hadn’t lost her.

“Thank God, you are safe,” Dis breathed into his hair, embracing him so tightly as if she never wanted to let him go again. Fili couldn’t fault her when a similar feeling pervaded him right now. “I was so worried. I thought I lost you.”

“I’m fine,” he assured. “Kili saved me.”

This caught her attention and bribed her into hesitantly loosening her embrace to glance at where Nori and Kili where busy at the control console. Only then Fili got aware of the low conversion both men were having and also that someone was missing.

“Where is Dori?” Freeing himself from his mother’s arms the former relief was replaced by a cold wave of horror.

“He’s at a safe place right now. He had a different shift today and I got everything sorted out with him before I went to visit Dis. But we can’t get him now, not when Sauron’s CAI are most likely going to look down here for us. It’s too dangerous,” Nori explained hurriedly. It was hard to miss he wanted to get them out of here as fast as possible, which only intensified the panic in Fili’s head. “Listen, you see these two buttons? This one closes the door and the other starts the capsule. The autopilot will do the rest.”

“But we can’t leave without Dori!” Fili argued, completely ignoring the short briefing in the controls of the capsule. He couldn’t return to Ori without his brother!

“Listen! It’s too dangerous. We have to wait until they stop suspecting the tunnels. Then Dori and Kili follow.”

“Wait! What?” It was another blow. Nori dealt one after another and Fili wasn’t given the time to recover. Instead he could only turn bewildered eyes to Kili, who still had his back turned to him, but was now hunching his shoulders as if to brace himself against Fili’s anger. Bridging what little distance was separating them he reached for his friend, forcing him to meet his eyes. “Kili! What does he mean?”

“Have you already forgotten?” Kili whispered. “I owe Nori for helping us and there is something I need to do for him here. That’s why I have to stay for now.”

He couldn’t be serious! Fili didn’t want to believe it, but the regret in the other’s face spoke volumes, more than he was able to cloth into words and Fili wanted to be disappointed, wanted to be angry and wanted to rage, but he wasn’t blind either. He saw that Kili yearned to come with them, however, he’d given a promise and he was going to keep it. For Fili.

Pulling him into a tight hug Fili threw all of his former thoughts and remarks overboard and brushed their lips together only to turn a tender kiss into a desperate one in a span of mere seconds.

“You come back to me, you hear me,” he breathed against Kili’s lips. He couldn’t care less about the astonishment on the brunet’s features. Fili still didn’t know if there was just friendship or love between them, but he wanted a chance to find out. “Don’t keep me waiting another seven years.”

“I won’t. I promise,” Kili croaked, keeping their gazes locked for a few heartbeats, before he literally had to yank himself free from him when Nori barked at them to hurry up.

Kili wasn’t able to leave, though, before Dis hadn’t engulfed him into a quick hug as well, whispering something to him Fili was barely able to hear but what sounded like _I’m glad you are alive._

Nori had to shove the brunet out of the capsule, pressing a letter to Fili’s chest with his free hand.

“Give this to Thorin.”

Fili nodded, his eyes not leaving Kili for a second while he tried to soothe the panicked voice in his head, screaming at him that he was going to lose him again.

“Go!” It needed Nori to shout at him again to push the buttons in the order the redhead had explained to him.

As the capsule started, ready to get them out of the city, Fili had to deal with the knowledge that he might have one of the persons back he loved, but was leaving one of them behind at the same time.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Dis return to Erebor...

 

 

Fili felt numb while the capsule, programmed to bring them back to Erebor, started moving. His gaze glued to the closed door of the vehicle, as if it would allow him one last glance at Kili. Their kiss, shared out of instinct, seemed already ages ago, although hardly a few minutes had passed since. He had no idea what Nori wanted him to do or how likely a scenario with the CAI inspecting the tunnels was. The way the redhead had acted appeared pretty serious, though. The worst was the sense of déjà vu tightening his chest, as if he was losing Kili all over again. Just when he was about to achieve a new sense of friendship it was brutally yanked from his hands. And the kiss… did it have any meaning? He needed the answer, but his heart was bursting with loss and regret, preventing his mind from wandering to this question, because every time he tried the uncertainty about Kili’s whereabouts and his wellbeing diverted his thoughts. What if Kili and Nori were attacked right now?

“Fili?”

He flinched when a hand was placed on his right shoulder, carefully guiding him to face his mother. The worry reflecting in her dark eyes was unmistakable and the reason why he allowed her to lead him to the seats, where they sat down next to each other.

“Tell me what’s going on here,” she demanded, sensing he needed a distraction or else he was going to make himself sick with fear.

And so that was what he did, pausing then and again when he didn’t know how to go on, his throat constricting whenever the tale turned to Kili. He told her about Erebor and Sauron and the CAI, what his best friend had to do to spare him a cruel fate and that he was the reason they were both here and safe right now. She didn’t interrupt him, which he was grateful for, only sometimes he was able to see her tense out of the corner of his eyes or hear a sharp inhale she tried to disguise as her normal breathing.

When he eventually ended she took on of his hands in both of hers, something Dis always did to comfort him since he could remember, it was a little gesture, showing him her support and saying _I’m always there for you_ without a voice. She didn’t speak immediately, though. Fili assumed she was busy with processing everything she’d just heard and was now looking for a topic more or less safe to address.

“So, you and Kili?” Was what finally broke the silence and Fili almost smiled. He shouldn’t have known it would be this that interested her more than anything else, although it brought back the worries of the beginning.

“I don’t know yet if there is anything between us,” he stated carefully.

A small smile sneaked to Dis’ lips.

“Didn’t look like it.”

“Well, I can’t know if there is something, if I don’t try, can I?” Fili responded with a smile of his own, just to sigh deeply not much later. It all depended if he was even getting another chance to try.

His mother squeezed his hand gently as if reading his mind.

“Kili is strong. He wouldn’t have survived all those years if it was any different. Try to trust him,” she reassured him.

But having trust in someone that hadn’t been there during the last seven years, without receiving a note of his wellbeing was easier said than done. A part of him loved Kili dearly, he had been his best friend all his life so how could he not and had already forgiven him and wanted to be close again, if as friends or lovers just wasn’t that clear yet. But there was also that other part, forged from suffering and Fili couldn’t tell if this part was ever going to be ready to forgive Kili.

However, he was pulled from his thoughts at the beeping sounds of the capsule. A light jolt went through the vehicle and then it stopped. They had arrived as it seemed. And indeed, only a few heartbeats later the door was opened and an angry looking Dwalin marched into the capsule. Getting onto his feet Fili met the glare of the other, but instead of backing down he raised the letter given to him during their escape.

“Nori told me to give this to Thorin.”

It was probably better to hand it to Dwalin, just in case the giant had orders to imprison him immediately without offering him an opportunity to speak for himself. The other eyed him warily as a frown crept to his features, but then his gaze examined the inner of the capsule and the absence of a person caused his lids to widen. Fili swallowed hard, realising Dwalin was looking for Kili.

“Where is he?” Dwalin hissed, grabbing him by the collar and yanking him so close Fili lost the ground under his heels, only standing on the balls of his feet, their faces mere inches apart. The almost frantic waver in his voice unsettled Fili.

The blond wasn’t given the time to answer, for his mother was already shoving herself between both men. Shielding her son from threatening hands.

“If you have a question to ask you will do so in a civilised manner or you will regret it.”

Despite being two heads shorter than Dwalin her whole bearing put him off his stride. Her stern expression seemed to unnerve him more than he was likely to admit. It would’ve been hilarious if the situation wasn’t as dire. Understanding crossed Dwalin’s eyes after studying both of their blond hair and putting the pieces together.

“If I may introduce, Dwalin this is my mother, Dis,” Fili added, although it was obvious this wasn’t necessary. 

“I don’t care!” The bald man snarled, recovering from his first shock. “Where is he? Did they take him?”

While his first sentence made him cringe involuntarily it was impossible to ignore the fear in the last one. Which was why Fili found himself imagining in Dwalin’s position. He might not know what kind of relation he bore to Kili, but they were comrades, nonetheless. At the meaning he felt a sudden lump in his throat, hampering his speech as he opened his mouth to reply.

“I don’t know,” he admitted with a heavy heart. “Nori said he was seen by a CAI and that he killed it, but he couldn’t be sure if there were others around that could go and check the tunnels. Either way, he wanted Kili to do him a favour and so he couldn’t come with us when we escaped.”

“This damn thief,” Dwalin cursed.

"He wouldn't get Kili into trouble, would he?" Fili wanted to know. His gaze locked on Dwalin he waited for an answer, trying to brace himself for a negative response, although deep within him he knew he could never be prepared for bad news. He just wanted to hope, like that tiny part in him, which had always believed the brunet to be still alive. That part might have been gone silent at one point during Kili's absence, but it had never stopped hoping.

"Nori is always trouble. Never trusted him, told that Thorin all along but of course he wouldn't listen to me," by this point it didn't sound anymore like Dwalin was talking to him, but rather raging about his warnings being ignored. It didn't matter, though, for it was enough to make Fili dizzy with worry.

Of course Nori had helped to get Dis to safety and Dori as well, if Fili trusted his word. Dwalin, however, seemed truly concerned about Kili's whereabouts right now and the bald man was longer part of the movement and therefore had to be informed who might be dangerous to be around. God... if something happened to Kili now... God...

Arms embraced him, shielding him from the world in a way only a hug of a parent could.

"If Kili could survive all those years, he can survive this, too. You know him, have some trust in him," Dis murmured soothingly.

But trust was hard after such a long time of separation with a wound in his heart that wasn't even close to be healed just yet. Was hard in a world like theirs, where death could wait around every corner. Where CAI were injected into innocent people to replace them. He couldn't let that happen. With his mother's life at stake Fili hadn't been able to think it through, what it actually meant for so many people, which he himself had only escaped due to Kili's help, as cruel as that help might have been in that moment.

Now Kili was out there and no one could say when it would be safe for him to return, in a city that didn't offer much shelter either. He had to do something.

"I want to speak to Thorin!" Fili requested hoarsely as he gently wiggled out of his mother's embrace, gifting her a small, thankful smile before turning his attention back on Dwalin.

The other frowned, perhaps pondering about how he should react.

"Why?"

"I want to help," the blond hurriedly added, since the sooner his offer was accepted the closer it brought him to Kili. "I wasn't able to understand it at first. I only knew that Thorin wanted to sacrifice my mother for me staying her. But I get it now. Sauron needs to be stopped. This surveillance in the city has to stop. Kili is out there and I can't do anything. I couldn't do anything when they attacked me and Ori to inject a CAI. I don't want to be helpless anymore. I want in. I don't care what I have to do, but I want to fight."

He took comfort of the warm pressure of Dis' hand at his back, telling him she was supporting him, although he was sure she didn't like his decision. He was practically turning himself into a target for Sauron's attacks after all. Still, she seemed to notice what it meant to him. That after everything he'd been through he just couldn't help it. Fili couldn't wish for a better mother and was truly blessed to have her in his life.

In the meantime Dwalin watched him closely, eyes roaming over the blond's face and bearing. Probably searching for something to give him away and reveal a hidden intention in his words. He wasn't going to find anything, Fili knew, because his mind was made up and there was no changing. Eventually, after some tough heartbeats had passed, Dwalin seemed to realise this as well.

"Both of you. Follow me," the giant of a man told them.

Fili felt relief wash over him, while his mother's lips adorned a confident smile. They didn't have to be told twice and moved along when Dwalin turned around to lead them out of the capsule and into the hallways of Erebor. Out of the corner of his eye he was able to see his mother's lids widen as she took in her new surroundings, while his own mind was fixed on his goal. Convincing Thorin, the first step on a long way to end Sauron's madness, while the next would hopefully bring him closer to Kili if he hadn’t returned by then on himself, a thought Fili didn’t want to dwell on.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili tries to become part of the movement...

 

 

Strangely enough Fili realised very soon how little he’d truly known about Erebor and the movement, for when he stepped into what he’d assumed to be Thorin’s office, it wasn’t only Thorin lingering there. With him were two other men and the way they sat there nearly in a circle on the couch and chairs, facing each other with bearing implying that none of them was more important than another. In this moment the blond realised this wasn’t a one man show. The one at Thorin’s right was an older man, a long white beard falling to his chest. The decades of aging might have left deep furrows on his skin, but it just suffused him with an aura of wisdom.

The other one at Thorin’s left, however, seemed just a few years younger than the dark haired man himself with long blond hair flooding over his shoulder. Fili frowned, he’d seen this colour before… it reminded him of Legolas, the guy from Kili’s unit and the one that had caused his stitches to burst during his escape. Coming to think of it, they looked very much alike and a few seconds later he hadn’t any doubts that they had to be father and son. Well, that was just great, he just hoped they weren’t too similar in characteristics as well or he probably would have troubles getting in the same unit as Kili.

Whatever they’d been talking about, their conversation fell silent the moment Dwalin lead Fili and Dis into the room. Thorin was the first to get up, heading towards them with long strides. The way he clenched his fits, as if ready for a fight, definitely bode ill and Fili couldn’t help but take a step back. To his great surprise it was Dwalin, who planted himself in front of the blond, as if to shield him from Thorin’s wrath.

“He’s with Nori,” Dwalin informed the other, his voice showing his displeasure. “This is for you,” he added and handed him the thief’s letter.

Thorin took it, but made no move to read it.

“Why is he with Nori? Why isn’t he here?”

With amazement Fili noticed the slight waver in Thorin’s voice, realising with a cold shiver running down his back that perhaps Thorin didn’t trust Kili because he was an important member of a unit fighting for him, but rather because the brunet was dear to him. What was it between these two? How had they come to know each other? There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing.

“Nori said he owed him a favour for getting my mum and Dori out of the city,” Fili decided to speak up, he was one of the few people present here who’d witnessed it at first hand after all.

Turning his attention from Dwalin to him, Thorin glared at him. “So this is your fault,” he mused in a tone Fili didn’t like.

“Now stop that nonsense. Kili always had a mind of his own. You can’t control him, especially not when it comes to his love interest,” the guy Fili assumed to be Legolas’ father interrupted them with a smirk. Fili decided in this moment that he thought of him exactly the same way as of his son. He didn’t like him at all.

The way he talked about the brunet sent his blood boiling. As if his best friend was a lovesick puppy, ready to sacrifice everyone and everything if it would just give him Fili’s love. It was absurd. Of course Kili had abandoned his unit to save him, but at the same time left him for seven years without a word. He’d helped Legolas to stop Fili’s attempted escape and then freed him from his bonds to get Dis to Erebor. Kili did what was necessary, what he thought was right and that was one of many reasons for their long lasting friendship. He didn’t bend just because someone he was dealing with was more powerful or intimidating. He stood to his words.

“Perhaps not an interest anymore,” the blond suddenly chuckled as he examined Fili’s tense figure.

“If you have something to say, then speak!” Dis stepped forward, meeting the man’s gaze without fear. “No one here is interested in games with a situation as dire as this and if I’m wrong then perhaps you should visit the city more often, to remind yourself what you are fighting against.”

If the other was offended he didn’t show it, if all he seemed amused as he regarded her with interest.

“Enough of it,” Thorin sighed. “Why have you come back?”

“Because I changed my mind,” Fili answered without hesitation. “I didn’t understand it back then, though I might have, hadn’t you asked of me to leave my mother to die. I want to help.”

“It is not that easy, young man,” the oldest of the three leaders chose to rise to speak. “Trust is needed to make this decision and with trying to escape twice and succeeding once we have no reason to trust you now.” Fili already opened his mouth to protest, but wasn’t given the chance to do so. “Although, I have to admit, we haven’t given you a real reason to trust us in return,”  the man added with a kind smile, for the first time sending a feeling of hope through Fili’s chest since they’d stepped into the room.

“Why don’t we just sit down and talk all of this through? I feel like this was neglected the first time,” Legolas’ father suggested. The obvious dig at Thorin caused said one to scowl. Still, the offer found favour with them.

Between all of them being offered a drink Fili learned Legolas’ father was called by the name Thranduil, whereas the kind old man introduced himself as Balin. The conversation took them a while. Fili had to recap what happened in the city, keeping Kili’s almost meltdown a secret, let alone the kiss to avoid another commentary by Thranduil. The letter sat untouched on the table and was apparently not going to be opened in his presence and despite his curiosity he couldn’t care any less about it, if it wasn’t going to return Kili safe and sound to Erebor. After hearing the events above the sea his motivation to support them was interrogated, with many questions asked not only once but three times. Not consecutively, mind you. Fili assumed it was a test to see if he was going to change his answers. They weren’t that lucky and especially Thorin seemed to be displeased about it.

“I say no,” was his answer in the end and if Fili was honest, he hadn’t expected anything else, but it still stung and hastened his heart with worry. For he couldn’t just sit here for who knew how long and do nothing besides harvesting, he would go insane if he had to stay cut off from all the important tasks. “Being a part of our outer unit is a question of trust, not of will. And after you endangered us all with your reckless escape I doubt they will trust you with their lives any time soon.”

Somehow Fili was pretty sure it wasn’t about the trust of the unit but Thorin’s. Biting down hard on the insides of his cheeks he tried to keep his frustration at bay, it wouldn’t help right now, probably only offer Thorin an opportunity to defame him further.

“Trust isn’t important here, we need everyone to fight for our goal and besides,” Thranduil replied, to Fili’s great surprise showing his support in that matter, “you don’t trust me either.”

“I trust you,” Thorin replied without hesitation, but even someone who’d never met these two would be able to pick out the lie.

“No, you don’t and it doesn’t matter, because we know we have to work together to win this battle. Trust is secondary as long as our goal is the same and from what I’ve heard today Fili is willing to fight for us. It’s enough to integrate him into one of the units.”

“The units value trust,” Thorin objected no less stubborn.

“Like Kili did,” Thranduil sneered.

Fili was about to slam his fist on the table and call them out on their childish behaviour. How were they even able to handle all of this with their stupid bickering? This was ridiculous and hadn’t he been so dumbfounded about the absurdity of this moment he might have opened his mouth before Balin did.

“Why don’t we allow Fili to gain insight into Erebor? So far he hasn’t seen much of our life here. Every member of the outer units has other tasks after all and by getting to know them while learning about this place, he can form trust and perhaps a friendship with them. I would say we give him two weeks and then ask the unit if they can imagine working with him in the future.”

Although Fili wanted to belong to the outer unit as fast as possible he had to admit Balin’s suggestion was reasonable and revealed why Thorin and Thranduil hadn’t tried to kill each other long ago.

“A very good thought,” Dis beside Fili admitted, uttering something for the first time after a long silence. A warm-hearted smile found its way to Balin’s lips as his gaze met the one of the blond’s mother.

“I agree.” Thranduil nodded his approval.

All eyes turned to Thorin then, waiting for his answer. A sense of nervousness settled in Fili’s stomach. He didn’t know how such decisions usually worked. If they all had to agree or if the majority was enough to adopt a resolution, he wanted to hope for the latter, but the way they were looking at Thorin told another story. Unless this was a way to keep their deciding system a secret. He didn’t dare to judge what was more likely.

“So be it,” Thorin agreed eventually after terrible moments of silence.

It was positive answer, it gave him opportunities, but still he wasn’t feeling happy about the choice they offered him. It wasn’t the one he wanted. He didn’t want to wait for two weeks and face another uncertainty with letting the unit decide if he they wanted him to be part of their group. What if they didn’t like him and voted against him for the very same reason? What if they weren’t even willing to talk to him after his attempted escape? What if, during these two weeks, news of Kili’s condition reached them and his worst nightmares were confirmed? They would never forgive him for getting him into so much trouble, Fili was sure of it. Hell, he wouldn’t forgive himself if that happened.

All eyes would be on him during the next weeks, especially Thorin’s, waiting for a mistake to prevent him from joining the unit. Taking a deep breath to calm his agitated nerves he tried to focus his mind on his aspiration. Desperation about a possible negative outcome wasn’t going to get him anywhere, confidence was needed, even if it was easier said than done.

Swallowing his fears and worries Fili nodded with a determined expression, confirming his acceptance. With a dapper wave of a hand Thorin signalled them to be dismissed, a command Dwalin immediately executed, urging Fili and Dis to get up before guiding them out of the room. Perhaps he would stay with them to lead them to the living cabins, during his first stay here Fili hadn’t gotten the chance to sleep in one of them like Ori had, after all.

“You did well there, laddie,” Dwalin complimented him while they waited for the elevators, not meeting his eyes as his gaze lingered on the closed doors.

Fili frowned.

“Since when are we on good terms?” He wondered in bewilderment.

“Since you could convince me that you care about him,” was the simple reply.

Fili waited for further explanations, but they never came.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili starts to work for the movement...

 

 

The first day of his two weeks lasting period of probation Fili spent in the communication centre of Erebor. He hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before. The living cabins were small but clean rooms, only furnished with a bed, a commode for clothes and personal belongs, as well as a small table and two chairs. A door led into a small bathroom with hardly enough place for the toilet, washbasin and shower. Still Fili couldn’t complain, it might be confined but nothing looked shabby or ready to break at the next use like it had in their flat. Everything was clean and there was enough warm water at any time of the day. For someone having grown up in the city these things equalled luxury. The mattress and blankets had been as soft as in the sickroom and would have lulled him to sleep easily hadn’t his mind been occupied with Kili and the next weeks.

In the solitude of his cabin the brunet’s absence had nearly ripped his heart as his mind wandered to all the horrifying scenarios. Kili dead. Kili injected with a CAI and captured. Kili trying to cut the CAI out of his body and bleeding to death. Betrayal. Pain. Death. It haunted him the whole night and although he was so exhausted from all the worrying and the events of the day, it only allowed him to fall into a fitful sleep during the early morning hours.

When he was awoken by an electronic system installed next to his bed, he felt like he’d only been out for a few minutes. He was given new clothes that still didn’t fit that well, but a girl named Sigrid – Bard’s daughter if he remembered right – told him it would be taken care of soon. Fili forewent breakfast, since his stomach felt like it wouldn’t be able to handle it. Which he realised to be a stupid decision as his stomach started rumbling as he stepped into the elevator to get to the communication centre. He should eat, compared to all the other people here he was malnourished and the blood loss from his belly wound still seemed to stick in his bones. But it was too late for such regrets now, seeing as a curly haired man greeted him as soon as the blond arrived at his destination.

“You have to be Fili. My name is Bilbo,” he introduced himself and Fili shook his hand firmly a few heartbeats later.

“Nice to meet you,” he replied and not much later he was already guided to the room he was going to spent his day at.

Showing him a huge control console Bilbo started giving him a briefing about its functions and operation. Soon Fili’s head was buzzing with all the different tasks each button and switch possessed. It didn’t need mentioning that he completely failed to remember even a fractional amount of what Bilbo had explained to him during the last two hours. But the other was patient and wasn’t looking really disappointed or even surprised that Fili couldn’t memorise it immediately. Instead Bilbo took his time to tell him again, made him perform some small tasks and by the time lunch approached he’d at least learned how to get into contact with Thorin, Thranduil and Balin in their quarters and to the most important regions of Erebor.

Although coming here on an empty stomach was now starting to take its toll on him. Fili felt exhausted and could barely focus on what Bilbo was telling him and as if this wasn’t already bad enough he felt also guilty. He’d wanted to prove himself, to become part of the outer unit and here he was, at the brink of failing on his first day. It was disheartening and ate at his former motivation. His grumbling stomach was the only thing that prevented Bilbo from finding out, although it had done so for quite some time already, but with folding his arms in front of his belly and tensing then and again the blond had been able to keep its noised at bay. This time, however, Bilbo heard and blanched at the sound.

“Oh! Dear me, lad! We are at it for far too long. I will make sure to get us some food here before you faint from hunger.” The friendly gleam in his eyes was probably supposed to defuse his words, but for Fili they felt still like such a harsh blow he couldn't suppress a wince.

If he couldn’t take care of himself how was he supposed to take care of others? To save them even? Fili already saw his plans fail on the first day and it made him angry. Angry at Thorin for not trusting him, but mostly angry at himself, it wasn’t the grumpy looking older man hampering the situation, it was all him.

His thoughts were interrupted when Bilbo came back from the elevators after finishing his call with the kitchen, in his company was Tilda, gifting Fili a bright smile as she shoved a small wagon into the communication centre. The blond returned her smile rather poorly, but she didn’t seem to mind. In the meantime the curly haired man was literally beaming at her.

“And my dear, what is our chef serving today?”

“Spinach lasagne and grilled vegetables on skewers. It’s delicious!” She told them delighted.

“Oh, I don’t doubt that, Bombur’s food is always delicious,” Bilbo agreed.

“But this time it wasn’t only Bombur cooking! Madam Dis helped him.”

Surprised Fili’s eyes wandered to Tilda’s still happy looking face. He hadn’t known his mother had started to help Bombur in the kitchen. Of course he’d expected for her to also receive tasks here, but had rather assumed it to be harvesting in the end.

“Is that so? Well, in this case I can’t wait to have a taste of it,” Bilbo replied and Fili had to agree. His mother wasn’t a bad cook, but with the scarce ingredients available in the city she could be a sorceress and it wouldn’t help to get rid of a rather bad flavour. Who knew what she could do with the right resources?

And when he and Bilbo finally sat down to eat and the other sighed deeply content after just the first bite, Fili started to eat as well, enjoying the flavour and the high quality of the food. This place suited his mother’s cooking skills much better. Although… after having a few meals here he came to wonder…

“You don’t eat meat here?” He asked after a few bites.

“Oh, we have a livestock here, but we are mostly using them for eggs and milk and such. Only on special occasions we eat meat. We are a lot of people here and raising livestock at a place like this is difficult. Sure, the air is fresh and the lamps fake the course of the sun, but it just isn’t real and it complicates the requirements.”

“That makes sense,” Fili admitted between chewing.

Bilbo’s answer was reasonable and honest, this was also the way the other had come across right from the start. He seemed like an honest soul and at this thought Fili was sensing an opening opportunity. He might have asked Nori the same question already, but after everything going on he couldn’t say if it was smart to trust him. The next minutes could give him more than just one answer.

“Can I ask you something?” He began, hoping to sound casually and not giving his intention away.

“Of course,” with the lasagne eaten he now turned his attention to the grilled vegetables.

“Since when is Kili a part of all of this?”

Setting the skewer with the vegetables down onto the plate Bilbo frowned, seeming deep in thought.

“He… geez, I think he was always here. I became part of the movement five years ago. Back then everything had been smaller than it is now, only two dozen of the living cabins were occupied and Kili… well, he moved like he knew every little corner of Erebor, so I assume he’s here since everything started. Kili doesn’t really like to talk about how he came here, although he couldn’t really shut up about his life before all of this. But you’ve probably already figured out why everyone here treats you like prominence,” at the last part Bilbo smirked.

The image of Kili telling everyone about him, regardless if they wanted to listen or not – because, let’s be honest, this was so Kili Fili couldn’t imagine it any other way – made heat creep to his cheeks, forcing the blond to avert his eyes to hide his increasing blush. Before all of this Fili had never truly understood how much he’d meant to Kili and now that he knew it was hard to view the brunet as nothing more than a best friend. It seemed to be the confirmation for his own thoughts, seeing the other more like a brother than a best friend, although right now he wasn’t certain if his feelings might run even deeper than that and he was never going to find out if anything had happened to Kili.

And just like that the worry he’d blocked out so well during Bilbo’s briefing and lunch returned now with full force. He swallowed hard, his appetite suddenly gone, with only the smell of the food being enough to push nausea into his stomach.

Out of the corner of his eye he was able to see Bilbo grimace.

“Try not to worry too much about him. It won’t help and I’m sure he is fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Fili snapped, a new wave of fear sending tremors through his body.

“No, I don’t, but Kili isn’t stupid and it isn’t the first time he is out there. We have friends out there, informants like Nori that would rather die than betray him. You have to believe in his abilities, otherwise you won’t come far in the outer unit.”

“But this time he can’t get back that easily or am I wrong? That changes everything!”

“It changes nothing. Our informants will keep him safe and yes, he can’t come back anytime soon, at least not until Balin, Thorin and Thranduil have given their okay, but he will manage. Have some trust in him,” Bilbo gently asked of him and Fili wanted… he wanted it so much, but he knew the dangers of the city, not including the whole extent of the CAI-problem.

He didn’t even know if Nori and Kili had gotten out of the tunnels unharmed. He just knew they were out there and Sauron’s men, CAI or whatever, could suspect the sewage system right now. It wasn’t safe. The city had never been safe and shit… that Kili was out there was his fault! How should he live with it if anything was to happen to his best friend? The uncertainty of his state and whereabouts was killing him.

“Kili will get into contact with us sooner or later, if the circumstances permit it I will ask him to hold the line a bit longer so you can talk to him,” Bilbo offered, realising his words were doing little to soothe the worry in Fili’s heart.

Truly surprised the blond met the other’s gaze, blinking a few times while he convinced himself he hadn’t just imagined this offer.

“You would do that?” He pressed as a as a precaution.

Bilbo smiled kindly at him. “Of course I would and I will if it is possible. But now eat up. Don’t let it go to waste. You come from the city, which means you are chronically underweight. If you want to be part of the unit you have to start to take care of yourself. You need to eat, regularly. No skipping meals, no eating less than is on your plate. The training to become one of them will be hard and you are going to burn quite a lot of calories in the process, so for your own interests: eat up.”

Fili frowned.

“You sound so certain I will manage. But I’m not so sure, Thorin doesn’t seem to like me.”

At this Bilbo rolled his eyes.

“Thorin is just that kind of guy that doesn’t like other people,” he scoffed. “He will warm up to you. He didn’t like me either at first, but if you prove yourself to him, he will come to accept and respect you. You don’t need more than this to be successful here and now, don’t act like I don’t see that you are still not eating!”

A small smile found its way to Fili’s lips before he took another bite, noticing Bilbo nod contentedly. He still couldn’t shake of the feeling of dread deep inside him, but Bilbo’s trust in him and in Kili provided him with more confidence.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which someone deserves an apology...

 

 

The next day Fili followed Bilbo’s advice and went to the dining hall for breakfast, although he almost wished he hadn’t, since as soon as he stepped inside all eyes were on him. Obviously his escape, as well as his wish of becoming part of the outer unit, had already done the rounds. He wouldn’t really care if the whole of Erebor knew about it, as long as they didn’t stare just like that. Holding his head high and acting like it didn’t bother him he got himself something to eat and took a seat at a free table. Thankfully, after a moment of attention, the others went back to their food, leaving Fili in relative peace.

Today he was supposed to work with the medic team, his shifts would change every day and although yesterday no one expect Bilbo had been in the communication centre it made sense he’d been assigned to Bilbo, seeing as he was one of the people the outer unit got into contact with if anything went wrong. So even though the curly haired man wasn’t a part of it himself, he was still working with them in one way or another.

Fili wasn’t quite up to be put into the same room with Legolas tomorrow but he couldn’t help it. If he wanted to part of the unit Fili needed to get along with him and no, he definitely wasn’t jealous of the other blond. He didn’t care about all the time Legolas had spent with Kili during the last years and cared even less about the smile the brunet had gifted the other as he'd been hugged by Legolas. Not jealous… not at all… perhaps if he told himself this often enough he would come to believe it at some point.

Fili grimaced. Yeah… that was going to go well between him and Legolas…

Luckily he was able to turn his thoughts to different matters when he saw Ori entering the hall, but despite his excited waving at seeing his friend the redhead glanced only shortly at him and then acted like he hadn’t noticed him at all. Fili’s heart sank at the sight. He should have expected it, really. After all, he’d left his friend here with strangers while he got out with Kili and in the end had only returned with Dis. It was hardly surprising Ori would be out of sorts with him. Especially after he’d tried to escape without him, just to seize his chance. He would be pretty pissed too had their roles been reversed. It hurt nonetheless, being ignored like this. For the first time he got a hint at how his best friend must’ve felt after Fili had hit him for leaving.

All of a sudden his food tasted sour and seemed far too dry, forming a sticky mass in his mouth he could barely swallow. Fili still forced himself to eat all of it, remembering Bilbo’s words from the day before. He needed to eat, needed strength if he wanted to be successful and as poorly as his betrayal on poor Ori made him feel, he wouldn’t back down from his decision. This was probably exactly what Thorin wanted and even if he hadn’t his own goal, he would just keep going to avoid granting Thorin the satisfaction of seeing him fail.

He decided, however, to come a bit later to his shift with the medic team in favour to speak with Ori. Trapping him after breakfast seemed like a great idea and worked pretty well, since there was only one exit. At this Fili waited until the redhead had no choice but to meet him there.

“Can we talk?” The blond approached him carefully, earning a glare in response.

For a moment it looked like Ori was just going to walk past him, but then he folded his arms in front of his chest and stared at him with such a blank expression Fili cringed inwardly. This was so uncharacteristic for the redhead and it hurt to know he was the reason for it to appear.

“Talk,” Ori snapped, everything but friendly.

Swallowing hard Fili tried to find the right words, aware that he couldn’t fuck this up for his next change might take its time to approach.

“I’m so sorry, Ori. I know how this must look-“

“How does it look?” Ori interrupted him mockingly.

“Like I abandoned you,” he voiced carefully, continuing immediately when his friend opened his mouth to reply something very nasty for sure, “and I know during my attempted escape it was exactly this. I didn’t think straight, just looked for an opportunity to get out of here. My mother did so much for me and all I could think of was seeing her die on the streets. I couldn’t let this happen and I just panicked and thought I would try to get out and return to fetch you as soon as I knew how. In retrospective I know how stupid and selfish it was and I’m so sorry. I’m a poor friend and there is no excuse for what I have done that day.”

He paused for a while, waiting if there was going to be any reaction, but Ori stood there and obviously wanted for him to continue.

“But I’m not sorry for the second time, except that Kili is now still out there, for we got my mum and your brother to safety.”

This caught Ori’s attention as his arms fell to his sides in surprise.

“Dori is safe?” The quiver in his voice indicated he’d barely allowed himself to hope. Fili felt even worse noticing it. He should’ve gone instantly to him after talking with Thorin and the others to tell him Dori was out of danger. Truth be told, he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes, but he couldn’t imagine Nori to lie about the wellbeing of his own brother.

“Yeah,” he laughed hoarsely. “Your brother Nori, he isn’t in prison. He is part of Thorin’s movement and he helped us up there.”

“That bastard!” Ori cursed. “Letting us believe he is going to be in jail for who knows how long and in truth he is free.”

“Well, he tried to keep you all safe. It probably would’ve endangered you two if had he told you he was free,” Fili tried to put in a good word for him, although he couldn’t say how he felt about Nori himself. Sure, he’d helped them, but at the same time made Kili stay behind to do some crazy stuff for him, if Dwalin’s cursing was anything to go by. On the one hand he was thankful and on the other mad at him, those feelings hadn’t yet decided which was about to win. He only hoped it wasn’t Kili’s fate that was going to decide it.

“That was always his excuse, but most of the time he just couldn’t help it,” Ori ranted, but Fili got the suspicion it was the worry speaking through those words instead of anger. And this he could understand. “But if they are both safe then… thank you, Fili.”

The sheepish smile Ori gifted him felt so wrong. Fili didn’t think he deserved it.

“I always intended to come back, I promise,” he therefore assured the other.

“I get it, but next time try to do it in a none-shitty way, okay?”

An awkward laugh bubbled inside his throat and fought its way past Fili’s lips. He really didn’t deserve such a friend, but he was thankful to have him nonetheless.

He felt a bit lighter when he started his shift with the medic team and he was relieved they understood his delayed arrival when he told them about the reason. As it turned out he was assigned to Tauriel and her team and this was the first time he met anyone beside Legolas and Dwalin of the outer unit. Feren and Lindir were two relaxed guys, chatting with him openly and showing not even a hint of distrust as they did so, they seemed merely interested and Fili enjoyed acting normal around them so that he could soon feel the tension drain from his limbs.

His shift passed by quickly and soon Feren and Lindir bid their goodbye since there was still there usual training as members of the unit sat up, leaving only him and Tauriel in the medical ward. She was just as friendly as on the day she’d taken a look at his belly wound while she instructed him to apply a bandage the right way. Fili had always believed to know how that stuff worked, but apparently there were many differences, for example he never had to do a compressing dressing or a support bandage before and realised that he’d quite a lot learning to do, even in the fields he thought himself good at.

He barely recognised their shift to be already over, so deeply focussed on his task, that Bard’s voice cutting through the comfortable silence between Fili and Tauriel caused him to wince.

“You done yet, honey?” Leaning forward to where she sat beside Fili Bard kissed her gently. The arm seemed to slip around her shoulder out of instinct and she leaned into the embrace as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Fili had never been in a relationship before, hell, he was sure he’d never been in love before and now found himself wondering if his parents had possessed the same kind of intimacy before his father had died. There hadn’t been any reason before to give these things many thoughts. Of course he knew how hugs and kisses felt, but mostly from his mother and not from someone he was in love with. But the way these two were now located next to each other seemed so warm he suddenly found his heart longing for the same sense of closeness with someone. It was such a new sensation it caught him completely off-guard, haltering him in where he’d been busy with a support bandage not long ago.

“Almost,” Tauriel answered. “As soon as Fili has finished we can call it a day.”

“Well, then you better finish,” Bard advised him. “So I can take this lovely lady home with me.”

Tauriel poked him playfully in the rips, making Bard flinch in response. “Don’t distract him.”

“I would never-“

“Oh, you would.”

“Yeah, you are right,” he laughed.

Fili couldn’t help the small smile creeping to his lips at hearing them act around each other, it was rather endearing.

“I’m glad, by the way, that you found a reason to help us,” Bard stated when Fili was just finishing up.

“It wasn’t that easy to understand with my mother’s life at stake, but I now see why it is important,” he admitted.

Together they made their way through the hallway and out of the medical ward.

“Can I ask why you aren’t part of the unit?” Fili wondered, directing his question at Tauriel.

Fili hadn’t managed to get his head around what qualified someone to become part of it. At the moment it seemed all pretty arbitrarily to him.

“I would, if I could. But I’m one of three people her with an actual medical education. Besides me there are only Óin and Thranduil and the movement can’t just send their only doctors out there to fight. If someone gets hurt or sick we are needed and we are too few anyway. They can’t risk losing one of us,” she told him calmly, fingers intertwined with Bard's as they headed towards the elevators.

“But what about the big medic teams?” The blond frowned.

“Mostly semi-skilled laypeople. We taught them everything we could, but it doesn’t compensate a real education and we don’t have the resources to do more than that.”

It was hard to believe, looking at everything Erebor provided, but he suspected there was just a point when everything stretched to its limits.

“I’m glad I don’t have to worry about you,” Bard admitted, only luring a sigh from Tauriel’s lips.

“Instead I have to worry about you.”

Fili tried to memorise that moment, knowing he would feel exactly the same should he become part of the unit and work with Kili, not allowing his mind right now to wander to a scenario that included the brunet not returning. Tried to memorise the acceptance in both of their expressions. There was fear, it could hardly be missed, but although it was there it wasn’t paralysing them. The respected the other, they trusted the other, they knew it was necessary. It was a level he had to reach to be successful.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili trains with Dwalin...

 

 

The following days passed without news of Kili. Fili had met most of the unit so far, Feren, Lindir, Bifur – Bombur’s and Bofur’s cousin, who was working as a technician just like his always cheerful family member – Gloin, a grumpy fellow but way more reasonable than Thorin, his lad Gimli, adding Dwalin, Bard and Legolas to the list this was Kili’s unit. The people he trusted. Talking to some of them he learned that even Thorin sometimes accompanied them, but only when they needed a tenth member badly. Obviously this was the number of people that build a unit. There were other units, but of what he heard these weren’t in need of another member. And although everyone he’d gotten to know so far seemed pretty nice, seeing Legolas again was something he dreaded nonetheless.

Part of him was licking his wounds of hurt pride after the rough handling during his escape and others had never stopped viewing the blond with jealousy. It was ridiculous, he knew what Kili felt for him, but after seven years taken from them, seven years the brunet might have spent frolicking with Legolas, he just couldn't help it. Added to this were the bad dreams that had started two days ago, allowing him barely to sleep when his mind was torturing him with images of Kili’s possible suffering in the city. It wasn’t the first time he was haunted by such nightmares, just that the last time it was related with Kili’s disappearance and had lasted until he accepted to never see his best friend again.

Distraction wasn’t helping. Of course he enjoyed talking to Ori – who seemed now, knowing his brothers to be safe, quite up for supporting the movement himself – and his mother, but at night he was alone and there wasn’t anything to protect him from the cruel world of his dreams. Perhaps if the real world was any less horrible he would be able to just shake it off, but as it was every image felt just far too likely to happen in his opinion. So when he stepped into the training area of Erebor – probably not to assist Dwalin with keeping the other lads in shape – he was irritated and cranky from the lack of sleep and would prefer to be anything but here… in the same room with Legolas. Just thinking his name made him grimace right now… he seriously needed to get his shit together if this should work out and not end in a disaster.

To his great relief, however, Legolas was nowhere to be seen when Fili stepped into the wide room. A running track went through the whole hall, on one side he could see a punching bag and on the other a fighting ring, while other training tools where placed in the middle of the hall, lined by the running track. To his surprise he was the only one present, besides Dwalin of course, who stood crossed-armed next to the entrance and appeared like he’d already been waiting for him.

“Why is no one here?” He asked warily.

“Because today will be your personal training session,” Dwalin told him with a wicked smile. In that moment Fili knew he would rather take on an angry Dwalin ten times than working once with this one. The bald man seemed to enjoy this far too much for Fili’s liking. This was probably the revenge for one attempted and one successful escape… this day could go to hell. “If you want to be part of our unit we need to tone you up, otherwise you are just going to hinder us in the future.”

“Shouldn’t this wait until I’m actually part of the unit? Won’t all your effort be wasted?”

“So far no one complained about you, so I don’t see a reason why you won’t become part of our group. How about we start with running ten laps?”

Ten laps in this hall? Well, Fili had walked a greater distance between his workplace and home in the city. This shouldn’t be too hard to manage and it was true and considering that his wound had gotten enough time to heal by now – especially on the inside since on the outside only a scar reminded him of the knife he’d taken to the stomach – he wasn’t even really out of breath when he stopped again.

Noticing with satisfaction Dwalin’s surprise he couldn’t help the proud smile from creeping to his lips… he should’ve suppressed it, for not much later Dwalin had taken his shirt of and urged Fili to do the same before they stepped into the ring together. It seemed the blond didn’t even need a big mouth to get himself in trouble here. Luckily the bald giant didn’t just go at him, but taught him how to hold his arms in a fight to block the blows of his opponent. It took some time of adjusting and of getting his feet into the right position to not stand there like a rock, but to allow quick sidesteps before the truly started.

Dodging and blocking blows Fili tried to find an opening to deliver some himself, it was harder than he expected, though. He was quite certain that Dwalin was going easy on him, but this wasn’t really helping his motivation either. When he finally spotted one, he just went at it without thinking, giving the other another opportunity to overpower him, for ere Fili could even hit him, the fighter had already grabbed him arm and tossed him to the ground. The air was pressed from the blond’s lungs as his back collided painfully with the ground, leaving him lying there while gasping for breath like a fish out of the water.

A shadow covered the light of the lamps as Dwalin crouched down beside him, looking at him with an unreadable expression. Offering him a hand Fili didn’t think twice and took it, resulting in being hauled back to his feet by an unbelievable strength. Still trying to catch his breath again he was now pretty thankful the other had gone easy on him.

“You have strong arms, but without knowing how to use them they won’t be of any help. Right now even Bard's oldest daughter could win against you. She just needs to get the right grip on you, she doesn’t have your muscles, but she knows how to use her strength, so we will need to work on this.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he wheezed, though he would prefer avoiding an experience such as this from now on.

“Mind if I take a turn?” A voice interrupted their conversation, turning their heads simultaneously they spotted Legolas waiting at the side of the ring.

Averting his eyes Fili grimaced. That was all he needed right now. Losing against Legolas… could this day get any worse? Yes, indeed, for Dwalin nodded and swapped positions with Legolas, forcing Fili to face the other blond. The judging expression on the other’s features was impossible to miss and he clenched his fists at the side, jaws pressing together with suppressed anger.

A barked order by Dwalin yanked him back into reality and that he was about to face Kili’s _best mate_ in a fistfight. Lifting his arms and bringing his feet in the right position he waited for the first attack. It came faster than expected, barely granting him the time to block it, let alone evade it. The second blow followed and soon Fili found himself retreating slowly under the force of the punches. Blocking didn’t help, for his arms started to hurt while Legolas was still driving him back to the edge of the ring, not once stopping to flail at him.

“Do something! Don’t just stand there!” Dwalin shouted up to him, but Fili didn’t really know what this something was his trainer wanted him to do.  He would concede more than one punch if he neglected his cover now to land a blow of his own.

“You think it’s that easy to become one of us? To go out there and do what’s necessary? Huh?” Legolas hissed between strokes. “Kili might be too deluded to see what you really are, but you can’t deceive me, you are just an arrogant, selfish brat that doesn’t even deserve to look at someone like Kili.”

It was the last sentence that made Fili see red as he completely drowned in his anger. No longer willing to retreat he did the only thing that came his mind and kicked, hitting Legolas in the shin. A surprised cry of pain left the other blond’s lips, while a cheer by Dwalin reached Fili’s ears through the rushing of blood in his ears. Trying to aim for another kick he failed when Legolas rolled to the side and jumped back onto his feet. Fili was already there, punching him straight in the face before is opponent was able to raise his cover. Legolas staggered in pain and Fili got careless at the sight of the opening.

So blow to his cheek took his orientation for a second and this was just what Legolas needed.

“Duck!” Dwalin screamed at him and Fili obeyed without thinking, just in time to avoid a powerful swing.

The pain at his cheekbone and the blood he tasted on his tongue where his teeth had broken the skin dispelled the anger and returned the control to his senses. The next minutes weren’t just consisting of a desperate defence and brutal punches, but where an equal exchange of blows. Although, truth be told, without Dwalin’s orders he wouldn’t be able to stand his ground.

Fili tried to let his instincts act to Dwalin’s shouts, attacking and defending when his trainer demanded, while his eyes studied Legolas movements. He was strong and fast and winning seemed pretty hopeless. He might be persistent and had strong arms, how Dwalin had phrased it, but it didn’t matter, Legolas was who knew how many years of training ahead of him. Fili was already gasping for breath, his lungs burning while his body hurt from the blows it had received and dealt in return. He wouldn’t be able to go on for much longer, as much as he loathed admitting it, but he couldn’t win this fight, not with the resources he was given… unless…

Offering Legolas an opening in his cover he reacted instantly when the blond went at it without thinking, too immersed in his effort to win this fight and show Fili who was the stronger among them. Grabbing his arm when it snapped forward he used what strength he had left and hurled Legolas over his shoulders.

Legolas hit the ground in the same manner Fili had not long ago. A moment of silence followed, only interrupted by his heavy breathing and Legolas’ fruitless attempt to get his lungs to continue working. Hunching over and pressing his hands to his shaking thighs to keep himself from suddenly doubling over Fili attempted to even his breathing, in hopes it would slow down his rapidly pounding heartbeat. He wasn’t so lucky, instead it felt as if it tried to escape from his chest and went on hammering painfully against his thorax.

A hand slapped him so hard on the back in congratulation he would’ve toppled down hadn’t the same hand steadied him afterwards.

“Well done, lad. Very well done,” Dwalin laughed at his side and if it weren’t for the nausea sitting in his stomach because of the exertion Fili might’ve smiled proudly. As it was he left this to Dwalin.

Straightening a bit he caught his teacher looking down at Legolas, whose body just seemed to remember breathing again.

“And this is exactly the reason why I always tell the lot of you to never drop your guard. And anger is never a good companion in a fight, it makes you careless. I hope you both realised this.”

Having only enough breath to nod both of them stayed with this for now. Snorting with laughter not much later at their sight Dwalin let go of Fili to pull Legolas to his feet.

“I guess the both of you have enough for today.”

Perhaps Fili was exaggerating it, but he probably would’ve wept with relief hadn’t he been so exhausted. He needed a shower and his bed and maybe a glass… no, better a bottle of water. Tomorrow he would probably look black and blue.

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand reaching out for his. Surprised his gaze wandered from the hand to the sleeve and up to Legolas’ face, glancing at him with an unreadable expression. At first he wanted to just turn around and leave, fearing for it to be some kind of trick. But as a member of the unit he would have to learn to get along with Legolas so it was probably better to try to trust him sooner rather than later. Therefore he grabbed his hand and shook it firmly, realising that it truly wasn’t more than a peace offering. Giving him a nod Fili returned it.

They weren’t suddenly friends, but they would learn to respect each other.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili feels the painful grip of fear and guilt...

 

 

As Dwalin predicted no one objected and at the end of his two weeks of probation Fili was accepted into the unit. Thorin didn’t look particularly thrilled, but he honoured the decision of his men. In the following weeks Fili got a crash course regarding everything important for his new position. Dwalin trained him daily, showing him self-defence techniques and trained his stamina. Hitting the punching bag, fighting Dwalin hand-to-hand, running, jumping, stretching, everything that was needed to increase his mobility.

The other parts of his days were either spent in Legolas company – who turned out to be quite a decent lad and not as terrible as Fili had thought – learned how to shoot a gun and a little high-tech crossbow the blond had seen Kili use during their first encounter after seven years. It seemed it was safer to apply the crossbow up there, since bullets could be tracked back to where they had been purchased. Of course he would also carry a gun with him the whole time, but it was only intended for an emergency. When he wasn’t with Legolas he spent most of his time with Bifur, the technician told him how to operate a transport capsule and the communication system inside. He wasn’t given the code for the capsule, not yet at least, but a briefing could never hurt.

To the equipment, every member of the unit owned, belonged a watch like he’d seen Kili wear. But it was way more than that. Fili had already known for it to be a flashlight, but with the press of a button and a short code it turned into a two-way radio, although Bifur advised him not to use it if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. For the intercepting technology up there it was just too easy to locate an unfamiliar signal. _Only if you are in danger and have no other choice_ , Bifur had phrased it with a dead serious expression and Fili had understood then, that it was either this or safer to shoot himself in the head. Erebor had to be kept a secret at all costs.

Bard was the one that informed him about the abodes of every informant by pointing at buildings on a huge map of the city. No informant knew the location of Erebor, after all some supported them only in exchange for the right amount of money and although Gandalf and Galadriel were paying them generously they couldn’t be careful enough these days. Of course these people didn’t know where the money came from, as to not jeopardize the positions of the senators.

Beside all the training and the new information bombarding him Fili was only able to have a few quick chats with his mother or Ori during meals before he would drop into his bed and sleep, dead to the world. His head feeling like it was filled with cotton wool as the rest of his body was screaming for rest after the intense training sessions. It wasn’t until he was part of the unit for a whole month, his health and strength improved due to the regular meals and the workout and the knowledge he had to memorize lessen, that Fili realised how much time had actually passed and how rarely he’d thought of Kili in all those weeks.

It put his heart into a vice-like grip, squeezing it until the blond feared it was going to burst with worry. Over a month… nearly two… and there was no word from Kili, no news as to when Thorin, Thranduil and Balin deemed it secure enough to return to the city to get Kili and Dori out of there. With this discovery came the constant unrest. The whole day Fili wasn’t able to concentrate, missed targets during shooting and looked like an amateur in the ring with Dwalin, as if there was no strength in his body at all. Dwalin snapped, Dwalin shouted, Dwalin put him through the mill, but to no avail. In the end he was send back to his living cabin by his frustrated teacher, ordered to clear his head.

A hot shower didn’t help, Fili wanted to tear his hair out as closing his eyes couldn’t dispel the horrible images inside his head. Nearly two month. How could he miss how much time had already passed? Fucking hell! His best friend was still out there! His body started to shake under this knowledge, his heart pounding as fast as it normally did after hours of training with Dwalin and the urge to get up and pace through the room got stronger with every passing second, weren’t it for his rapid breathing and the black dots it placed in his view. He was panicking, a low voice in his head told him, but it could barely hold its ground against the roaring emotions absorbing it.

What if Kili was dead? What if he had been caught? What if everyone knew he wouldn’t return but didn’t want to tell him? This couldn’t be happening… he needed his Kili back. Trying to take deep and slow breaths Fili struggled to get his nerves back under control, the pain in his heart was overwhelming, a wound long closed opened and bled, letting his thoughts wander back to his eighteen year old self just learning that Kili was missing. He couldn’t go through all of this again. Only because of the support of his mother Fili had been able to live with the guilt eating at him, telling him he should’ve done more to stop his friend.

And it was true… he had been so fed up with the brunet’s unrealistic vision that he’d believed it to be a good lecture if he let him go. That going to that party and seeing how little these people would achieve with their scarce impact would give Kili the dirt on his beliefs. It was so wrong… so cruel… he’d been such a terrible friend and still was, otherwise he would’ve convinced the brunet to come back with him… to return to do whatever Nori wanted from him when the danger had passed.

Instead Kili was gone. A pressure behind his eyes spoke of approaching tears. Fili welcomed them, wept for missed opportunities, for a friendship that might never get the change to develop into something more… something deeper.

He couldn’t say how long he sat there, literally crying his eyes out, long enough at least for his head to hurt, for his cheeks to feel puffy and his throat constricting, when an unexpected knock at his door caused him to wince. Fili sniffed, using the sleeves of his shirt to wipe the tear tracks away before fumbling for a tissue to blow his nose.

“Come on, Fili! Get up your lazy arse!” Legolas shouted from the other side of the door, just when Fili deemed his face clean enough to get up.

He still had to look like a mess and his bottom lip quivered dangerously while he tried to push every thought of Kili to the back of his mind to keep himself from sobbing in Legolas’ arms. Taking a deep breath and straightening his back Fili opened the door.

His mate was taken aback for a few heartbeats at recognising Fili’s dishevelled state, at least he ignored asking for the reason of his tears, granting Fili some dignity.

“You alright?” He questioned him, an honest amount of concern in his voice.

“Yeah,” Fili croaked, sounding as pathetic as he felt.

To think he couldn’t stand even the look of the other barely a month ago and now he was ready to call him a friend, as worry was directed back at him. It hadn’t taken him long to understand that these people here weren’t as bad as he’d thought at first and remembering his first attempted escape with the intention set in him to report these people to the police… he could’ve killed them all. They might not have given him reason to trust them, but they hadn’t deserved to be betrayed like this either. Fili would’ve been just as furious as Legolas had their roles been reversed, as it was now he was glad to call the other blond his friend. Respect and training together had easily bound them together.

“What’s going on?” He asked, suddenly dreading the answer.

“Balin wants to see us, the whole unit four. So you better follow me quickly, it didn’t sound like it could wait.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Uh… let me just…,” this said he hurried into the bathroom, splashing a torrent of cold water to his face and drying himself swiftly with a towel to look at least somewhat decent. “Let’s go,” he told the other blond.

Together they made their way to the warehouse. The others were already there, though Dwalin seemed less than pleased to spot Fili after their training disaster, but even he spotted the red eyes and the puffy cheeks not even cold water could hide so fast and stopped at least to glare at him like Fili was the biggest disappointment on the planet.

Standing side by side they all waited for Balin to end his call. With his back turned to them, one hand pressed to his ear as he listened to whatever was said on the other end of the line, sadly his own answers were so quiet Fili wasn’t able pick out words over the general noise inside the warehouse. Using the time to exchange a glance with some of the members of the unit told him that they knew just as much as him.

Eventually Balin turned around, obviously having ended his call, gazing at them with such a serious expression, Fili couldn’t help but swallow with tension.

“Unit four, a mission has been assigned to you. Stay together and not longer than necessary. Bring your mate and a citizen home!” The old man ordered.

Fili’s heart seemed to skip a beat the words. They could only mean Kili… they were sending them out to get Kili!

A wave of anticipation washed over him, hastening his heartbeat and filling his mind with determination. This was what he’d been waiting for, what he’d trained for. He’d make sure all the hard work wasn’t in vain.

“And Fili!” Balin addressed him before the unit readied to leave. “This is your first mission. Stay close to your commander and do as he says.”

Fili’s nodded, whatever was needed to help Kili, he would do so without complains.

The next minutes consisted of the flurry of activities of a group of people slipping into clothes to disguise their identity and attaching weapons to belts. This time Fili’s coat fit perfectly. Despite making haste to be done as fast as possible everything felt still too slow, but eventually the whole unit was seated in a transport capsule with Dwalin hammering coordinates into the control console to program the autopilot. Vibrations went through the capsule as it came to life and not much later they were leaving Erebor and headed to the city.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the rescue missions begins...

 

 

They arrived at night, of course, neither Thorin nor Balin and Thranduil would allow them to walk in bright daylight in the city. It was too dangerous, Fili had learned this already before he’d become part of the unit. Dwalin issued a few instructions and then they swarmed out. The whole way to the city it had been oddly quiet inside the capsule, normally these people were boasting with confidence and were not particularly tongue-tied, but knowing the goal of their mission, knowing one of their mates might be in trouble, had even been able to silence the loudest man. Fili’s muscles on the other hand had felt stretched to their breaking point with tension during the drive to the city, if he’d liked to talk to someone to distract himself from all the thoughts inside his head fighting for attention, he wouldn’t have been able to manoeuvre any sound around the painful lump in his throat.

Now that they were here Fili had to stay at Dwalin’s side while the other members of the unit spread out into the tunnels, ensuring that the coast was clear while he and the tattooed commander followed one of the groups in a safe distance. In the dark of the tunnels, with barely any light to guide them, Fili couldn’t help but look around fearfully, even after Bard and Legolas had deemed this part of the sewage system clear. He just wasn’t able to shake the feeling of watching eyes and lurking creatures in the shadows off, which was quite ridiculous. There weren’t any monsters of imagination down here, the only monsters existing were humans themselves, but with their footsteps echoing from the walls it almost sounded like they weren’t alone here.

Moving through the tunnels took time and at one point Bifur and Feren joined them after ensuring their investigated part of the system to be clear. They were all silent, flanking Fili as if to protect him and perhaps this was exactly their intention considering it was his first mission up here as a part of the unit. Although Fili began to wonder when Linder, Gloin and Gimli didn’t join up with them.

“Where are the others?” The blond asked in a low whisper, a feeling of unease settling in his stomach the longer they stayed absent.

“They are fetching Dori,” Feren replied quietly.

Fili frowned. He’d thought they had all been sent out with the same order, but it seemed some members of their unit had received information he hadn’t. He didn’t wanted to doubt them, it was probably related to his low – or to be more precise new – rank in the group and Feren had given him the answer he'd asked for right away without thinking twice, but it still left a bitter taste on his tongue. He needed to know just as much as the others! How should he be of help if he was withheld important information? Was this Thorin’s doing? Was he still distrusting him?

What was more important, though…

“He isn’t with Kili?”

“It’s safer that way, draws less attention,” Bifur murmured behind him.

“Then where is Kili?” Fili wanted to know with a sudden sensation of dread.

“Quiet now!” Dwalin hissed.

The blond’s mouth snapped shut immediately when they stopped at the rungs leading up to a manhole and into the city. Dwalin was the first to climb up and afterwards it was already Fili’s turn. It tried to move fast, staying at one location for too long was dangerous, for the change to get spotted grew with every minute. Outside the tunnels Bard and Legolas where already waiting.

“Legolas, take Fili with you. Bard, Bifur, Feren and I will make sure everything is clear,” Dwalin said, before turning to Fili and looking at him with a grim expression. “Fili, if you see one of Sauron’s men don’t hesitate, be quick and efficient, back-up is never really far away with these guys.”

Swallowing hard Fili nodded. Dwalin trusted him, he was the commander and gave him another task than Balin had asked of him. He couldn’t say if he had it in him to kill someone if it came to it, perhaps he would find out sooner than later, not that he wanted to, obviously, but if he had to choose between Kili and one of Sauron’s men… people that ruined others live, made them go through hell with a violation of their bodies… then it wasn’t a real decision anymore, the answer was easy. Which wouldn’t turn it into any less of an effort to actually hurt someone so bad that… Fili stopped his thoughts, not ready for them to turn to this point just now.

His gaze wandered over his comrades, faces hidden under hoods, before he and Legolas followed one of the streets. It reminded him of the time he and Kili had sneaked through the city, intending to get his mum out of here, only moving in the shadows of the buildings as they cut their way, crossing streets and moving deeper into the city, exactly in the direction of its heart, until they stopped abruptly.

His eyes roaming over walls and concrete Fili tried to find out why, but he couldn’t spot any danger. Of course compared to the unit he was pretty inexperienced, Kili had shown him this fact quite clearly, however, even looking out for the smallest things wasn’t able to give him the answer he was waiting for. It was so silent at night when one was avoiding the main road, barely any sound pierced through alleyways and side streets and he knew why. The people were scared to attract attention at such a late hour, regardless if they were awake and out do to work or at home. At night nothing was safe. Like eerie giants the buildings hovered beside them and Fili started to become restless the longer they remained at one place. True, they stood in the shadows, but he didn’t want to bet on it to completely hide them from unwanted detection. It wasn’t that far-fetched to assume someone might spot them if they looked out of their window right now.

And then Legolas cursed and with a cold shiver it dawned on Fili that this was where they were supposed to meet with Kili.

“What now?” Fili gasped, tremors slowly finding their way to his body.

But the manner Legolas’ head wiped to and fro, searching for something, anything helpful, wasn’t calming, instead agitated Fili’s nerves further.

“See if you can find anything,” Legolas eventually pressed out between clenched lips. He didn’t interrogate what he was supposed to look for, right now he knew the other didn’t know it either.

Leaning forward his eyes scanned the dark ground, separating him further from Legolas the more he desperately wanted to spot anything. It would be all in vain… Kili might have died on his way here, it wasn’t as safe as Thorin and his partners had believed it to be. They were too late… too late… God… Barely suppressing a sob Fili kept on looking, trying to lock the sorrow away in his chest and to stay alerted, telling himself not to give up before he hadn’t seen a body. He’d made this mistake once, after all. But it was so hard and right in the moment he was on the verge of giving up he saw it, glinting in the light of neon-illuminated billboard falling through the gap between two buildings.

“Legolas!” He hissed as loudly as he dared. Thankfully the other heard and instantly jogged to his side. “Could it be-,” Fili started to ask, but not able to finish his question.

His comrade crouched down and brushed his fingers through the dark blood, smearing it.

“It’s still fresh,” his mate replied. “Let’s watch out for a trace.”

It might be a foolish hope. It was just blood, it could belong to anyone, but since it was fresh and they supposed to meet Kili here they wanted to believe it was Kili’s, for even if it meant he was wounded hopefully he’d been well enough to escape.

And indeed they found a trace, dark splashes of blood on the ground, leading them to a closed warehouse. Fili’s heartbeat seemed to increase tenfold when he realised the lock had been picked. Kili knew how to do that, he’d picked the lock at Fili’s bonds once as well. This couldn’t be a coincidence!

Using their lamps to see anything in the pitch black darkness they entered the building. The goods inside where covered beneath tarpaulins, too many ways to hide. He almost had the mind to shout Kili’s name, but then he heard the steps, followed by a distant screech and the strange sound of laughter. Legolas signed for him to be quite in the small cone of light, before they carefully made their way through the covered products. Dust whirred around in their field of view as they followed the noise of the footsteps until they suddenly stopped.

Fili tried to exchange a look with Legolas, waiting for an orderabout how to go on, but the others face was hidden in the darkness of the warehouse even without the shadow of the hood. He wasn’t given the change to open his mouth, for suddenly someone was tackling him from behind.

Hitting the ground with a painful cry he wiped around, slamming his elbow against the collarbone of his attacker. It wasn’t enough to get him off of him, but the grip around his waist lessened, giving Fili the room to take a swing at the stranger. He could feel a nose breaking under his blow, the person screamed, telling him a man was attacking him.

But this seemed to only make the stranger more furious, spluttering, because of the blood running down his face, his arms came around Fili’s neck and tightened like a noose. Hands coming up to yank at the arms the blond tried to free himself, kicking in hope to hit his attacker in the process. The arms wouldn’t loose. Gasping for breath Fili felt his sight become fuzzy as he wiggled and turned and tried to escape but to no avail, only educing scratching sounds from the floor. Panic took over his mind, causing him swing at the other, although he was still facing him backwards. His fist hit what Fili assumed to be a temple and he did it again, hammering against the other’s head, chocking and losing strength with every passing second. He attempted to reach for an eye, but his shoulders protest, unable to obtain a position at this angle. Awful wheezing noises escaped his throat, but no air found its way into his lung.

He was going to die here.

And then the pressure was gone. Immediately Fili rolled onto his side, coughing and gasping. Salvia tripped down his chin as every little amount of oxygen triggered another coughing fit, until his diaphragm hurt just as much as his neck.

“Slow breaths, Fili! Slow breaths! In and out, okay. In… and out.” Someone coached him and after the noise of rushing blood in his ears had died down he was actually able to follow the voice. Taking a tiny wheezy breath and noticing with relief it wasn’t instantly erupting another painful coughing fit.

“That’s it,” Legolas soothed him.

It took a while until he was breathing easily enough that he didn’t have to fear to lose consciousness at the slightest exertion.

“You think you can stand up?” Legolas asked him gently and when Fili nodded a pair of arms was shoved under his armpits and heaved him onto his feet.

He swayed for a moment as a wave of dizziness crushed over him, but it was gone as fast as it had come.

“Were this… Sauron’s… men?” He croaked, speech interrupted by heavy breathing.

“No, if they were, they wouldn’t have tried to kill you, but to inject a CAI.”

“Are they dead?”

“All three that attacked us here, yes. I don’t know if there are still more of them.”

Three? Holy shit, he hadn’t even managed to neutralize one of them! However, before his thoughts could wander on this path further Legolas blatantly blinded him with the light of his lamp, forcing Fili to raise his hands to protect his eyes against the brightness.

“Now, don’t make that face. You can’t expect yourself to win against an enemy that wants to kill you after only a month of training. You were lucky while fighting against me, I got angry and you could use it. But I didn’t try to kill you, it was a fair fight. These people here didn’t play fair, it was pitch black and they attacked you from behind. It takes a lot more training to know intuitively how to handle such people,” Legolas explained.

“Then why was I even allowed to accompany you?” He wondered.

“Actually, we thought you would be safest with me and Kili and could gain some experience at the same time, while the others take care of Sauron’s people and CAI should some of them show up. But obviously it didn’t go according to plan.”

The name of his best friend dispelled Fili’s hurt pride, focussing his mind on what was important.

“Kili,” he breathed and Legolas nodded grimily.

“Yes, let’s look around, but we should keep quiet for now, in case there are more of them around.”

And that they did, but the longer they looked they more had to face the fact that they were actually alone in here. At least there were no traces of blood anymore they could follow and no attackers waiting in the shadows. Fili could feel his heart constrict painfully as the knowledge slowly started to sink in.

“Kili!” Legolas shouted in a hushed voice. Apparently he was becoming similar desperate like Fili, if he went for such frantic methods. “It’s Legolas, are you in here?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, really stupid question of a noob ahead. Yeah, so... those of you who might not have known when you started to read this story may have realised meanwhile that I'm not a native speaker. And although my English is a lot better than it was a year ago there are still enough words I don't understand properly. So I have a quick question about one of the tags. You might have noticed the "implied Mpreg" tag, which I put there because of the whole CAI thing. But well, my dictionary tells me a few meanings about the word "implied" and I'm not so sure which one of them is more valid. So if in the future of this story there would appear a male injected with a CAI would the current tag cover this or should I add an actual "Mpreg" tag for such an occasion? I really don't want to catch anyone off guard just because I used the wrong tag.  
> I'm really confused and hate it that my English isn't better. :/


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the mission continues...

 

 

At first there wasn’t anything following Legolas attempts to shout for his friend, but then a muffled groan reached their ears, followed by the flapping noise of a tarpaulin pushed aside. Legolas was the first to spin around, running in the direction the sounds had come from, Fili was a bit slower, still feeling a bit weak in the knees after nearly chocking.

He found Legolas kneeling beside a covered good, tarpaulin barely pushed aside and eyes looking at something behind the stiff fabric. Fili’s breath hitched, barely daring to hope, but then quiet words reached his ears.

“Hey, mate,” Legolas said softly. “Ready to come home with us?”

A choked laugh erupted from behind the tarpaulin, clothed by a voice Fili had longed, missed and feared for. A wave of relief nearly caused his knees to buckle, but he found support at a covered tower of plastic boxes.

“You have no idea,” Kili answered.

“Can you walk?”

Only with this question Fili remembered the blood on the ground, the picked locked, the attacker inside. Relief disappearing under shock and worry.

“I have already bandaged it. Hurts like hell, though. Fucking junkies,” Kili cursed.

Well, that explained those guys. Even with the poverty in the city there were many people on the streets, carrying knifes and ambushing others with the setting sun, stealing what little money they had earned to use it for drugs, to forget the horrible life just for one hit. It was their way of escaping, but it was a cruel way, ruining people’s life with it, perhaps even killing them if they couldn’t afford food because of the robbery and although Fili had heard about how addictive the drugs were junkies purchased, he would never understand how one could trade living beings for an addiction. It was just as horrible and sick as what Sauron was doing to take control over the city.

A groan reached his ears when Kili laboriously crawled out of his hiding place, grabbing for some boxes to pull himself up with. He swayed for a moment, one leg shaking so bad Fili expected it to give out under his weight, but it surprisingly decided to carry the brunet. Legolas hovered beside Kili, hand worriedly raised as if he’d feared the same thing as Fili. His best friend’s coat was torn, the hood hanging down at a few intact threads. Fili guess one of the attackers must’ve yanked Kili back by his hood, causing the fabric to tear. The trouser leg of the trembling leg had been torn apart up to the knee, where pieces of the coat were used as a bandage to stench the blood flow. Despite being unable to see the injury Fili assumed it had to be the calf. Fili winced at the thought. The brunet had to be in so much pain.

When Kili seemed to have found his balance his gaze wandered to him. Fili put on a small reassuring smile, gladly noticing that the brunet seemed fine beside the wound at his leg. Sure, his hair was a mess and he looked quite exhausted, but thankfully that was it. The brunet, however, only frowned at Fili and with a jolt he realised Kili wasn’t recognising him. He shouldn’t be shocked, really. After all, he was flashing at the other with a lamp, was wearing a hood and he hadn’t recognised Kili either when their roles had been reversed. Still, a little part inside him had assumed the brunet would notice Fili standing near him right away. Instead Kili just stared at him, trying to find out who the person was, whose figure he hadn’t seen so far in the coats of the unit.

Before Kili was given the chance to recognise him Legolas urged them to go, sending Fili ahead and backing them up while the brunet stayed in line between them. They were slow due to Kili’s limp and Fili couldn’t help but look back from time to time, seeing if his friend was doing alright or would need to lean on one of them to keep going. Kili’s features were a mask of pain, the grimace always prominent when the blond glanced at him. Sweat was glistening on his brow, only noticeable during crossing an illuminated street.

Coming to the rungs down the manhole Fili couldn’t help but wait with an uneasy feeling, while watching Kili climb, almost jumping from rung to rung to relieve his injured leg. He had to take his time, gripping the rungs hard and groaned from time to time when his wounded muscles protested against the position of his leg. Eventually arriving at the bottom of the tunnels Kili stumbled and Fili was quick to support him, having already expected it as he reached out for his friend and wound an arm around Kili’s waist.

The brunet’s head sagged against Fili’s shoulder, tiredly breathing warm puffs of air past the blond’s chin. He swallowed hard, barely able to stand seeing his friend like this, but they had to keep going and Kili knew this as well, for when Legolas caught up with them he pushed away from Fili, whispering a hardly audible _thanks_. He would’ve rather carried Kili the whole way back to the capsule than watching him stand on that leg any longer, but they didn’t have the time to argue. They were here to bring him home as fast as possible and they would do so.

Making their way through the tunnels it didn’t take long for the other members of the unit to show up, after the coast was deemed clear they obviously wanted now to ensure their mate was brought home in one piece. Despite the exhaustion a small smile settled on Kili’s lips at the sight, helping Fili understand how much these people truly meant to his friend. The blond liked them all, but a deep friendship like the one he had with Kili or Ori would require more time than hardly a month of working or training together. Still, it was one of many reasons telling him he’d come to the right decision in becoming a part of the unit.

Only when they reached the transport capsule Fili allowed himself to heave a sigh of relief, although Kili wasn’t out of danger yet. Who knew what kind of stuff had found its way into the wound, after all, especially after their march through the tunnels which reeked already of dirt. But at least they had managed, there hadn’t been Sauron’s men or CAI, the only danger had been a few junkies… the only danger the three of them had faced at the very least, he couldn’t speak for the others Fili realised with a sinking feeling.

But the capsule was finally moving, they were on their way back to Erebor and suddenly the hugging festival started. Every one of them removed their hoods and pulled Kili into a companionable embrace, patting his back and cursing him for scaring them so much. It was quite adorable if Fili had to be honest, removing his hood as well and watching the show. His heart felt several pounds lighter now that Kili was back with them.

“Fili,” a familiar voice caught his attention and not much later Fili found himself engulfed in a tight hug as well.

“It’s good to see you, Dori,” Fili murmured.

“He is safe then?” The man breathed at his ear, the worry impossible to miss.

“He was safe the whole time. Nori didn’t lie. Ori will be so happy to see you again.”

Pulling back Dori gifted him a wobbly smile, tears shimmering in his eyes as a choked laugh escaped his throat.

“Thank you, Fili, for looking after him.”

“It was more he looking after me, to be honest,” the blond admitted and he meant every word. Ori had tried to keep him calm, to offer him comfort when he was bleeding out on the floor of a transport capsule. Ori had been always there for him, supporting his decision and forgiving him for his selfishness. Fili didn’t know how he deserved such a great friend.

“Fili?” A disbelieved question interrupted them and Fili, still standing only an arm’s length away from Dori turned around to meet Kili’s nonplussed expression.

The blond wasn’t able to read his friend’s features, to many emotions alternating on them, but there was definitely hope and joy and a spark in the dark eyes Fili had missed so much. Kili wasted no time, recovering from the first shock he limped over to him, winding his arms around him in a crushing hug. Fili return it just as fiercely, closing his lids to just feel the solid form of a body in his arms, breathing, alive and healthy safe for the leg injury. But he was warm and despite trembling a little this was so much better than the terrible dreams haunting him. There was a distinctive smell of the city clinging to him, old sweat and smoke, Fili couldn’t care less about it. This was Kili, his best friend, his saviour… his ray of light in dark days.

And then, from one moment to another, Kili tilted his head and pressed their lips together. Fili was too stunned at first to react, flinched actually at the unexpected contact, watching the brunet immediately retreat – although he didn’t came far with the blond’s arms still embracing him – and glanced at him anxiously.

“Is this okay?” He asked and his voice sounded so small it made Fili’s chest ache.

So to avoid any misunderstanding from this point on he leaned forward and pecked Kili tenderly on the lips, relishing how soft they felt connected with his. “Yeah, it’s okay,” he told him with a smile.

The wide grin Kili gifted him was something Fili would treasure for a very long time. It had been years since he’d seen it the last time, radiating warmth that reached his eyes and let them gleam with happiness. Fili was prepared for the next kiss and thought it felt a bit clumsy, but since they were both inexperienced it didn’t lessen the prickling in his stomach at the sensation of their meeting lips.

They were reminded pretty soon, however, that despite how much they liked to hug and kiss their private moment wasn’t really private as someone next to them harrumphed. Breaking the kiss Fili could feel heat creeping to his cheeks, setting his whole face on fire while Kili didn’t look much different.

“How about you wait with that until we are back at Erebor?” Dwalin asked drily, watching them with crossed arms and raised brows. “And you better get off that leg before you fall down” he added, gaze turning to Kili.

Only then did Fili realise that yes, they should’ve waited until the brunet had been treated. The capsule might be moving steadily and without any twists and turns, but the way Kili’s body trembled should have told him he was barely managing to stand on that leg. Therefore he ushered his friend to one of the unoccupied seats, where he set down with a groan, stretching out his leg with a grimace. Without asking Bifur offered the seat beside Kili to him, causing Fili to thank him quietly. Averting his eyes in embarrassment he tried to ignore how utterly amused the whole unit looked.

“Should I have a look at your leg?” Lindir addressed the brunet as he crouched down at his side, although Kili only stubbornly shook his head in response.

“I think it’s better if Óin or Tauriel do it. Don’t want it to start bleeding again,” the other replied through clenched teeth. Just the sound of his pain filled voice was enough for Fili to wiggle his hand into Kili’s, intertwining their fingers and offering his friend some physical comfort. A little squeeze at his hand told him the gesture was appreciated.

Voices drifted through the capsule, Legolas at the control console seemed to have contacted Erebor and was probably giving them a short report about what happened. The other members of the unit were deep in conversation, but Fili was comfortable with just sitting here silently beside Kili. Just having the brunet close all he needed. And when at one point Kili leaned against him, Fili freed his hand in favour of winding an arm around his friend. He knew Kili wasn’t sleeping, his breathing coming anything but even, but he was exhausted and if he needed this right now, who was Fili do deny him?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm having a really stressful week at the moment and therefore decided to post three chapters this weeks just this once. Sounds probably weird, but you have no idea how much only one kind comment can increase my day and although I had already a presentation this week that went very well, which was a little boost I know that it won't stay for long with me with how exhausted I already feel so that another little boost couldn't hurt. Totally selfish, yes, but perhaps you enjoy three chapters this week as well.^^
> 
> And thank you for your answers to my question in the notes to the last chapter! It was super helpful! I now replaced the "Implied Mpreg" tag with "Non-Con Artificial Mpreg" and hope this will cover everything for the whole CAI issue. :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the unit reaches Erebor...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support! It really means a lot to me!

 

 

They were expected when they finally arrived at Erebor. Fili spotted his mother immediately as he got out of the capsule, Kili leaning on him for the short distance out of the transport vehicle, since Fili had refused to be parted from him right now. Then there was Tauriel, standing beside a stretcher, probably to transport the brunet without irritating his injury further. Ori waited with them as well and Fili had a feeling Bilbo had informed him about their return and the cause of their mission. And at last there were Balin and Thorin, who was also the first to move towards them, pushing Fili aside roughly and pulling Kili into a tight embrace.

“You stupid boy,” he chided him. “What were you thinking?”

Fili couldn’t say what he’d expected as he stood there completely dumbfounded, but definitely not that Kili was going to return the hug. Of course his friend had told him Thorin trusted him, had also seen the older man after telling him the brunet was still in the city, it surprised him nonetheless, for he hadn’t really seen them interact before. And even if they were dear to each other their personalities had never allowed Fili to even think they could exchange such affection, but it was there, right in front of his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kili mumbled into Thorin’s shoulders. “But it was Fili, I… I couldn’t just…,” Kili struggled for words that sounded strangely choked.

“Never mind that,” Thorin replied, patting the brunet’s head and confusing the hell out of Fili.

What was going on here? Did Thorin have feelings for Kili? Just the thought shot a spark of jealousy through the blond’s chest. The same developed soon into an inferno by the time Thorin broke the embrace and urged Kili onto the stretcher and although the brunet reached hopefully with his hand for Fili and he was already doing a step towards his friend’s direction, Thorin’s fingers suddenly pressed Kili’s arm against the stretcher while he shook his head, telling them both Fili wasn’t welcome to accompany them to the medical ward. Kili’s face fell visibly but the older man whispered something to him, causing the brunet to nod with a miserable expression. When a mechanism was operated, raising the stretcher to hip height and allowing casters to appear, Kili averted his eyes as Tauriel and Thorin pushed the stretcher towards the elevators.

Not even Ori and Dori reuniting and embracing each other with relief gracing their features were able to lift Fili’s foul mood. His jaws were tense and his fists clenched together with the jealousy and anger roaming through his body, he was only able to shake it off when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. The momentarily shock at the abrupt touch chased away the negative feelings as he turned to his mother in surprise. An understanding expression had settled on her face as she engulfed him in a warm hug.

“I’m glad you are alright,” she told him quietly and Fili decided in that moment that he wasn’t going to tell her how close he’d come to get choked to death by a junkie. If the attack was going to leave any traces in from of bruises and such he would just have to wear scarfs and polo-neck pullovers as long as it took for them to heal.

“I wasn’t in any real danger. The others were there to look after me,” and it was true. There wouldn’t have been any fight if these guys hadn’t chosen to attack Kili.

Leaning back again she looked him over, a frown appearing on her forehead as she did so.

“You look tired. Why don’t you get some rest?”

And just as she said it Fili realised how right she was. The emotional draining event of the day, then the sudden mission to bring Kili back, connected with an attack and worrying for his friend. It was a lot for one day and part of the night. It was time for him to catch some sleep.

And so, after accepting Ori’s thanks for bringing his brother to safety, Fili set off for his living cabin. Arriving there he took a quick shower to wash the stench of the city from his body, noticing the forming bruises at his neck in the mirror after he was done. So scarf or polo-neck pullovers it was for the next days. Right now he was happy with a pair of underpants and a shirt, as he heaved his heavy limbs into the bed, falling asleep almost as soon as the blanket covered him.

He couldn’t say how long he’d slept when a knocking at his door announced the presence of another person, awakening Fili rudely. Groggily he got up, assuming he must’ve overslept and he should’ve already shown up to his next training session with Dwalin. Hopefully his commander would give him at least the time to get dressed if he explained him he didn’t intend for this to happen. Fili didn’t bother with turning the lights on, the cabin was small and he knew his way around the room very well after over a month of living here.

Just that when he operated the door control and it opened it wasn’t Dwalin standing in front of him, but Kili. Fili was wide awake in no more than a heartbeat. His friend didn’t look any less exhausted, even more so, which was probably related to the fact that he hadn’t slept since arriving here, if his clean appearance and the treated wound were anything to go by. He braced himself against a crutch to rest his injured leg as he gazed at Fili as if he wasn’t sure what to do next.

“What are you doing here?” Fili was the first to find his words again. “You should be resting,” he added softly.

“I… uh…,” Kili stammered. “I don’t want to be alone right now… can… can I stay with you?”

His hopefully expression made Fili’s chest constrict painfully.

“Of course, you can,” he was quick to reassure him. His bed wasn’t particularly big, but he was sure they could manage. As long as it was going to ease Kili’s mind Fili couldn’t really object.

“Thank you,” his friend answered with obvious relief and limped inside as soon as Fili took a step back as a welcoming sign.

He turned the light on, after all he didn’t need Kili to hurt himself further just because he fell over something in the dark. The sudden brightness blinded him for a moment and while he shut his lids to protect his eyes from it, a clatter announced the brunet’s crutch crushing to the ground. Opening his eyes immediately the blond couldn’t see right away, only blinking against the light. Had Kili fallen? But just when he managed to adjust to the lighting conditions his friend was already touching his neck, causing him to hiss with pain as fingers palpated his tender flesh.

“Oh my God,” Kili gasped. “When did that happen?”

He didn’t like the look on his friend’s features, but lying wasn’t an option either, there were others he could ask for answers, after all.

“One of those junkies attacked me. I’m fine, really.”

“You are not! You got hurt because of me.”

Wincing, at seeing the guilty expression, Fili was quick to stop those thoughts from developing further. “And you got hurt because of me. Seems like we are even now. And for God’s sake, get off that leg before you undo Tauriel’s hard work!” He scolded Kili, ushering him towards the bed when he didn’t want to move on his own.

Although, after finally lying down, it felt kind of tense and cramped, with barely enough room on the mattress to fit them both onto it. Shoulder to shoulder they stared up at the ceiling and from one moment to another Fili couldn’t help but ask himself what the hell he was doing here. They weren’t kids anymore and they definitely hadn’t kissed often enough to sleep in the same bed, at the same time he didn’t want to send Kili away either.

“So… what did Thorin say to you?” Lacking any better idea Fili asked, swallowing hard.

And Kili laughed freely, cutting through the tension and telling the blond his friend had just felt as uncomfortable as he had.

“All sorts of things. That I’m reckless and stupid and how dangerous it was to just go out there and that I will be punished for my behaviour. The usual, I wasn’t really listening and busy with breathing through the pain while Tauriel cleaned the wound,” Kili told him so matter-of-factly Fili came to the suspicion that this wasn’t the first time the brunet had been in this situation. It almost made him snort with laughter, this was so typically Kili.

It was silent afterwards, although not awkward like before, but comfortable. As if they were back on the roof and trying to see stars shining through the smog. And having his best friend here, his warmth beside him, it felt like the world had righted itself for the first time in seven years. Just being in each other’s presence was everything he needed to be content and happy.

The mattress moved as Kili rolled onto his side, waking Fili who’d already been dozing off.

“Fili?” The brunet whispered into the darkness, as if not to disturb it.

“Mh?” He wondered sleepily.

“May I kiss you?”

He could imagine the look on his face just from the way his voice sounded. Could see the bottom lip pulled between teeth, worrying and waiting for rejection. His eyes staying at anything but him, despite barely managing to spot each other in the darkness. The way he tilted his head while waiting for an answer. It was adorable. Kili was adorable. How could he say no?

“I would like that,” Fili replied with a smile.

Fili didn’t have to wait long for soft lips carefully brushing against his. Propping himself up on his elbows to meet his friend made it easier to return the kiss. It wasn’t more than an innocent touch of lips but soon grew bolder. Winding an arm around Kili’s waist Fili pulled him closer, drinking in the warmth his friend offered and enjoying the sparks the kisses sent through his stomach. Using the opportunity to taste Kili as the brunet sucked his bottom lip gently, Fili’s tongue was soon greeted by another. Kili moaned when Fili pushed into his hot mouth, a noise encouraging him to pull the other even closer until he nearly covered him instead of the blanket.

Kissing Kili was comfortable like lying on the roof top and as thrilling as doing something forbidden like sneaking down to the junkyard and stealing what could still be useful, with running away as fast as possible when they were caught in the act. Laughing with burning lungs, never captured. Smiling, joking, cheering, worrying, crying, suffering, holding on to the other tight… so tight. It was home and Fili never wanted to leave home again.

Sharing kisses with Kili were his firsts and he was unexperienced. He knew it, in the city there had never been the right time to learn it and even if, with whom should he have practised? But despite his little knowledge of how to do it right, how to make it feel _good_ Kili hummed and moaned and shuddered, heavy breathing against his lips as if everything he did was just perfect. Kili gave him confidence and his heart wanted to burst with affection.

He was so unbelievable happy to have the brunet back in his life. Nothing was going to separate them now, he would keep Kili close and the feeling of belonging, the feeling of being alive the brunet had sown into his heart. Fili finally understood what he wanted. Just them, for now and forever.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things get heated...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'm very good at writing anything smut related. But I still like this chapter, because of a certain aspect and I really hope I could work that one out good enough so it won't get lost.

 

 

It was the uncomfortable feeling of sweat clinging to his body Fili awoke to, instantly realising it was far too hot under the blanket and in a living cabin at a pleasant temperature. Though, when he moved to pull the cover away he stopped, noticing the way Kili had wound an arm around him. Fili smiled at the sight, dark hair spread out all over the pillow where the brunet snuggled close to Fili, almost nuzzling the blond's shoulder. It was no surprise Fili was sweating right now, with such a furnace beside him. But just a glance at him was all he needed to not care anymore about the heat.

Kili looked so peaceful in his sleep, but at the same time so small... so much younger, Fili had to resist the urge to wrap his arms around the other man and pull him close, fearing it might wake his friend. The uncomfortable heat aside it was nice to have him close, feel an arm hugging him, the pressure where Kili leaned against him and since most of him rested on the mattress and not on Fili, it wasn't even inconvenient.

Just the sight of him made his lips tingle with memories of their heated kissing and the thought of doing it again sent a spark of excitement through his chest, seeming to spur his heart into skipping a beat. Kili mumbled something in his sleep as Fili watched him with a fond smile. Well, who could care about heat when having Kili so close? He definitely didn't anymore, just let his head flop down back onto the pillow and closing his eyes to enjoy their togetherness.

Not for long, though. For when Kili moved one of his legs all of a sudden, – probably the injured one pleading for a different position, – pushing against Fili's thigh, his attention was drawn to a problem he hadn't quite felt before, due to hotness and giddy emotions welling up inside him. An embarrassed blush crept to his face. He was hard.

It must've been ages since the last time. It couldn't be helped while hitting adolescence and had happened quite often in that time, but ever since he'd started working, there just were no nice thoughts triggering it. After working long hours, eating and perhaps a quick conversation with his mother he'd spent most of time in bed, sleeping and restoring his energy. His body must've realised it, too, that he didn't need any distractions from resting. But now here he was, lying in bed with his best friend and willing an erection to leave. Shit... what if Kili saw? This was so embarrassing, this was a completely innocent position and he... this would make things so awkward if Kili noticed. He had to take care of it, a cold shower would do, since he was definitely not going to wank with his best friend in the next room... that was just sick and fucked up and God, hopefully he wasn't going to wake him when he stood up. He couldn't let him see.

But of course he wasn't that lucky, he merely managed to sit up and swing his feet over the edge of the bed, naked toes touching the cool floor, when Kili's hand came up around his waist.

"No, stay," Kili whined sleepily.

His mouth was dry, his thoughts roaring in their desperate search for an excuse that wouldn't call Kili’s attention to his little problem. It was in vain, for the brunet noticed the tension in his body and sat up behind him, arm still clinging to Fili, and to the blond's horror he realised immediately what was going on.

"Oh," he breathed, chuckling warm air to the side of Fili's neck.

Now he was laughing... laughing at him. This was just fantastic. How was he supposed to look Kili in the eyes ever again?

"No," Kili soothed him, trying to rub the stiffness from his body, sliding so close to him until they sat back to chest. Fili's breathed hitched as he felt Kili's hardness pressing against his rear. "Don't be ashamed, Fee. Never with me."

The love in Kili's words melted some of the tension, until it slowly started to drain from him when the brunet gently kissed the side of his neck. Even caressing the bruises with feather-light touches of his lips.

“Do you like that?” The brunet whispered against his neck, making his flesh crawl pleasantly.

“Yes,” Fili breathed, feeling himself relax into Kili’s arms.

A warm hand snuck under his shirt, stroking over his chest and teasing his nipples until they hardened and Kili playing with them sent a shudder through his system. The brunet was still mouthing at the side of Fili’s neck, when his friend’s right hand, unoccupied so far, wandered to the waistband of Fili’s underpants.

Fili froze, the desire clouding his mind suddenly breaking when his mind understood where Kili’s fingers were located right now. Pressing as close as he did the brunet noticed the return of the tension immediately and stopped his hand from diving further. This was a completely new territory, not only was he hard for the first time in Kili’s presence, his friend was about to touch him down there and Fili felt a nervous sensation creeping into his stomach at the thought. He didn’t even know what exactly he was feeling for Kili and how should he decide if he wanted his barriers to fall like that? Kissing? Fine. Innocent touching? No arguing with that. But this?

“Is this okay?” Kili asked him softly.

“I don’t know,” he forced out through gritted teeth, assuming honesty would be the right way to go about this.

A tender kiss was placed on his cheek.

“How about we go on and if you don’t like it we can stop immediately? I promise, I won’t do anything you don’t like,” Kili suggested.

This was reasonable, Fili had to admit. He was still feeling uncomfortable in this position. If he opened himself to Kili now like that, there was no going back, he would allow the brunet to venture so deep into his heart he would stay in this place forever. Was he ready for this? He didn’t know, but how was he ever going to find out if he didn’t try in the first place? And Kili had assured him to stop if he didn’t like it.

Therefore he took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay,” he whispered, involuntarily leaning closer into Kili’s embrace for support.

At his answer Kili kissed him again, so tenderly, as if Fili was the most precious thing in the world. Fili inhaled sharply when the brunet wrapped his hand around his cock and began stroking it slowly. The newly developed tension retreated whiningly as a wave of pleasure crushed it.

“Is this okay?” His friend asked him once more and Fili could only moan in confirmation.

The brunet returned back to his work at Fili’s neck, sucking at the skin while his hands… God, his hands... One still playing with a nipple, the other stroking him slow and teasingly and Fili had never felt this good. Not when he’d experimented on himself as a teenager or ever afterwards. His own hand was nothing compared to Kili’s, just because he couldn’t predict its next move, causing him to moan obscenely – he’d never heard himself make such noises. And then the feeling on his neck, Kili sucking marks beside bruises, the skin hot where the brunet’s mouth rested and cool where his salvia dried, the contrast of it sending a tingling sensation through his skin.

Chest heaving with breaths, Fili lost himself in the pleasure, buckling his hips and thrusting into Kili’s hand from time to time, when the contact at his cock got too much and too little at the same time. It was amazing and hot and too slow. Too fast. Just right. Sweet torture. Oh, God!

Moaning Kili’s name he came hard as a finger teased his slit.

Panting he leaned against Kili, feeling boneless and heavy while his limbs trembled with aftershocks of his orgasm. Sweet words were whispered into his air, too quiet to be audible, but just their sound was radiating so much warmth there could be no doubt it were words of love. Closing his eyes Fili waited for his heartbeat to slow down, relishing the hold of a strong arm around his waist. He felt safe and loved and truly more than satisfied. In that moment he was glad having allowed Kili to go further.

At least until he felt the stickiness in his pants. He couldn’t help but grimace. The next thing he got aware of was Kili’s hardness still pressing against him. Biting the insides of his cheeks guiltily he cursed silently. He had his fling while his friend hadn’t found any relief at all.

“Uh,“ he began, unsure what to say. “Can I do anything for you?”

But Kili just kissed a part of his shoulder, where Fili’s shirt had slipped. “No, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” the brunet replied with a smile, urging Fili to turn his head so he could capture their lips in a kiss.

Fili couldn’t really enjoy it with the wet feeling in his underpants, especially when it started to leak out and trickle down his leg. Kili laughed softly when he pulled a face during their kiss and loosened his hold around him after breaking the kiss.

“I think you need a shower,” his friend teased.

“Care to join me?” Fili wondered in a sudden whiff of boldness. Sure the bathroom was small and the shower area even more so, but somehow they would manage to fit if they tried.

“Nah, can’t,” Kili declined, raising his injured leg slightly to give him a good look of the bandage. “I’m not allowed until the stitches are removed. Apparently moisture can allow bacteria to creep into the wound over the stitches. I don’t want to risk that.”

“Understandable,” Fili hummed, gave Kili a quick peck and got up before the cum could ooze even further.

His friend giggled, watching him as he hurried to the bathroom and only when finally cleaned Fili could admit that this situation was at least a bit funny. Dumping his clothes in a clothes basket he tried to ignore that someone else was doing the laundry here and hoped they weren’t going to recognise the stains for what they were. The comfort he’d so far taken from everyone having their task and no one being forced to do more than they could handle – especially when he would drop dead into his bed after a training sessions with Dwalin – was suddenly gone and he prayed the poor laundry woman or guy wouldn’t notice.

But it was easily banished from his mind at his return to the bed- and living room. Kili beckoned him over with such an impish smile Fili snorted at the sight. Putting on a clean pair of pants and shirt he crawled back under the blanket. The feeling of welcome, of coming home at the brunet’s soft laughter had never been more intense.

Fili was still uncertain about many things, knew that their time together would be short lived – in fact he suspected they were given a day off, otherwise there would’ve come someone knocking at his door by now – and the aspiration of stopping Sauron wasn’t going to disappear all of a sudden, just because they could spent some happy moments together. But right now he didn’t want to think about it, wanted to drown in how easy it felt to be with Kili. With how careful he got treated and that he had him safe and sound in his arms after weeks of worrying. He was fine with how the world looked right now.

The serious side of life could wait until tomorrow.

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili is confused...

 

 

The following days were the most peaceful Fili had ever experienced in his life. No worrying for his loved ones. No worrying about money and food. Just living, joking and snogging. Every time he and Kili met by accident during the day he couldn’t help but grin like an idiot, stealing moments from hours he should be busy with other stuff to pull Kili into a kiss, soon turning into more than just one. Let alone their time in the dining hall and on the evenings when they had finished with their work. Ori decided to ignore them when he sat at the same table as them, only then and again rolling his eyes at their antics. Fili found it hilarious and was relishing the feeling of being alive Kili had sown into his heart.

It seemed like no time had passed at all, they were back at behaving like they always had when they were seven years younger, just this time their friendship was now joined by certain benefits. Fili wasn’t going to call it more than that for now, they only spent their time together like this for a few days and feelings couldn’t develop so fast, at least he believed that. Luckily Kili didn’t seem to mind, wasn’t expecting some great exclamations of love, but looked pretty content with the amount of time they spent together on a daily basis. And Fili enjoyed it just as much, he wasn’t only spending time with the brunet like they used to, but also really savouring what they did in those hours. Kili was quite eager to try out new things and so far Fili never needed to ask him to stop. Although he felt a bit guilty for being the more passive one if it came to sexual activities, his friend was always quick to reassure him that it was just fine and he didn’t need to worry.

Fili also learned more about Sauron and his company, the way his men operated and of which CAI in the society the movement knew so far. It gave him a better understanding of the whole thing, reinforcing him even more in his decision to help the resistance. Thorin really hadn’t the skill to convince people of the movement, but perhaps his strong point was plotting against Sauron. Maybe he should think about leaving interpersonal stuff to people like Balin. He was a sensible fellow, after all. However, since criticism like this was probably going to fall to deaf ears Fili kept those thoughts to himself.

At least Kili would get rid of the stitches today and Fili was definitely looking forward to this. While Kili had seen quite a lot of him… who was he kidding, the brunet had pretty much seen _everything_ of him, he had yet to catch a glimpse at Kili’s naked form. It was understandable he refused showering with him as long as the stitches were in his calf and with his friend being the more active part in their relationship it didn’t come as a surprise that he would be the one undressing _him_ and not the other way around. It was totally time to change that, though. Besides, Kili had long stopped limping and didn’t even need the crutch anymore. Furthermore, this was the first day of the brunet’s punishment by Thorin and after Kili had to endure all of this because of him he felt sympathetic and somehow responsible, therefore he wanted to be there for his friend. Help him relax at night and forget about the penalty.

Though, he didn’t have to wait for the evening, since Kili dropped down beside him during lunch break.

“I’m with the cleaning team,” the brunet growled as Fili just shoved food into his mouth.

Well, that could’ve gone definitely worse, he thought. But he still hummed sympathetically.

“I have just cleaned two dozen toilettes and I think about hitting some people in this hall with a loo brush, perhaps then they are going to realise that they actually exist,” Kili complained, glaring to someone sitting at another table.

“Kili, it’s lunch time,” he hinted subtly.

“I know! I don’t get what’s so hard about avoiding such a mess? I mean, just because other people are going to clean you fucking bathroom it’s no free ticket to… to be like this!”

If he wouldn’t try to eat right now he might have deemed it funny how offended Kili looked, but as it was he really didn’t need such images appearing in his head. Putting his fork down he turned to his friend, waiting to catch his attention.

“I’m trying to eat here, I don’t want to talk about other people’s shit.”

“And I don’t want to look at other people’s shit. Seems like we both don’t get what we want!” Kili fumed.

“No! Seriously, shut up! I’m told I have to eat regularly to keep up with the training and you are very close to spoiling my appetite.”

At this the brunet blushed and stopped shooting daggers with his eyes at whoever he was looking at.

“Sorry.”

Satisfied with the apology Fili took another bite of the potato casserole.

“Besides,” he continued between chewing, “isn’t Thorin going really easy on you? I thought he was going to trounce you or something.”

“Thorin isn’t cruel,” Kili replied, finally starting to eat now as well. Fili begged the differ, since Thorin had the cheek to sentence Fili’s mother to death with refusing to get her out of the city.

But he wasn’t going to discuss this with his friend. Thorin appeared as if he was truly caring about Kili’s wellbeing and it kind of showed him that the older man did have a heart, although he didn’t seemed to use it very often.

“Though, I think taking the command of the fourth unit away from me and giving it to Dwalin isn’t particularly what I would call going easy on me,” the brunet added.

Fili almost choked on the next bite, staring at the other with wide eyes.

“You were the commander?” He asked completely gobsmacked.

Kili snorted. “I don’t know if this question should flatter or insult me.”

He still couldn’t stop watching his friend and Kili noticed this as well, because after shooting him a quick glance he blushed slightly under his intense gaze.

“You remember your first meeting with Thorin, when I left his office?”

Fili nodded.

“Back then Thorin had just told me he was thinking about divesting me of the command. Another mistake and Dwalin would take my place. This mistake was getting you out to fetch your mum.”

“Huh,” Fili breathed, lacking any better response. He’d seen what Kili was able to do, knew he was here since the beginning of the movement, but he still would’ve never expected for his friend to turn out to be the commander of one of the outer unit. Would Kili ever cease to amaze him?

As a reply to his everything but eloquent reaction the brunet beside him huffed, though Fili could detect the amusement in the others voice.

“Insulted then,” Kili declared.

Fili leaned forward to kiss his friend before he was able to take another bite of his food.

“You are amazing,” he told him with a bright smile with Kili beaming at him at the praise, all too happy to accept the sweet pressure to his lips once again.

But since they couldn’t sit here all day and had to continue with their tasks very soon they desisted from snogging… for now, instead concentrating on the food on their plates. Kili was finished first, which wasn’t surprising considering how the brunet had wolfed down his food. Some things like Kili’s table manners were probably never going to change. They exchanged one more quick kiss and then Kili was gone, telling him the sooner he resumed his work, the sooner he could call it a day in the evening. And Fili was already looking forward to this as well and therefore didn’t try to stop him.

As if he’d only waited for the brunet to leave the dining hall Ori dropped down beside him, sighing deeply.

“You two are so gross,” his friend teased and Fili couldn’t help but blush, never thinking that their exchange of affection could annoy other people. “I’m really happy for you, though,” the redhead added after a short pause. “I have never seen you this relaxed and content. So if you have to snog your boyfriend in every second of your free time I will find a way to endure it.” At this Ori grimaced and grabbed at his chest theatrically.

Fili, however, nearly choked at the word _boyfriend_.

“He isn’t my boyfriend!” He blurted out hurriedly, because that term really scared him, more than he was ready to admit.

It made the whole thing far more real than it felt so far. Of course he had nothing to regret, Kili was gentle, Kili made sure he liked what they did, there wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. But somehow the word still didn’t sit well inside his chest. With starting to call Kili his boyfriend their relationship would change completely and if this wasn’t going to work out he would lose the easy friendship between them for sure. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want a potential boyfriend to give up on his best friend instead. Fili couldn’t be all lonely and hurt again if they broke up… no… no… they would be friends with certain benefits, but nothing more… no boyfriends… never… he couldn’t lose Kili again.

Ori looked at him clearly confused.

“The way you two behave I really thought you love each other.”

“I don’t know if I love him,” Fili replied.

And it was the truth. What was love? A love that wasn’t what he had with his mum or with Ori or Kili? How did it feel, the love Bard and Tauriel shared? He had no idea. Without that knowledge how could he be ever ready to make such scary steps like saying ‘ _I love you’_ or call Kili is boyfriend? He couldn’t and he wouldn’t. Especially when down here everything seemed so easy, but up there… Erebor was like a dream, no hunger, no dangers. They laughed and had fun and worked and lived, without any sensation of a near death looming around the next corner. A dream wasn’t the real life and what worked in Erebor didn’t have to work in the city. And sooner or later, when Sauron was defeated, they would return to a world above the water. At least that was what Fili expected, for how should Thorin’s movement and all of their work change the world if they still hid here afterwards?

Friendship was good, friendship was safe and Fili knew how to deal with it. Going further than that would just freak him out and he could do with just a bit of peace at the moment.

“Oh,” Ori mouthed, appearing quite uncomfortable now if his tense shoulders were anything to go by. “In that case, just forget I said anything… it’s just… don’t you think… that this is perhaps what Kili wants? For you and him to be boyfriends?”

Fili swallowed, a new sense of dread filling him.

“He has never said anything,” he defended himself, evading the question in the process, for Ori merely hummed thoughtfully and didn’t try to talk about it again.

The blond exhaled a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding.

“So how are you doing with Bilbo in the communication centre?” He wondered, hoping to change the subject.

Luckily his friend wasn’t even hesitating with an answer and began to tell him about his days and protocolling all the calls they had received from their informants so far. The rest of his lunch break Fili listened to Ori talk, forgetting about the whole boyfriend-issue.

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili learns something about Kili...

 

 

Fili was surprised to spot Legolas in the training area instead of Dwalin as it actually had been scheduled for today and this sensation only grew when he realised targets had been placed everywhere in the huge hall. Instead of a grin as an answer to his frown Legolas beckoned him over with a serious expression. Fili didn’t like the look on his face.

“We have an hour of target practice before the others will come to train,” Legolas told him, handing him one of the little high-tech crossbows.

“Is something the matter?” Fili wondered while taking the weapon hesitantly.

“One of our informants called us. In two days a convoy with CAI will leave Sauron’s company to replace them with their originals. With them will be a man named Azog. He organises every exchange and inject-tour. If we can take him out Sauron will have a hard time recovering from it. Instructing someone of what Azog knew out of instinct costs time, perhaps Sauron will even have to do these tours himself the next time. It’s our chance to take a giant stride towards ending Sauron, for once and for all.”

Fili swallowed hard as the seriousness of these words slowly began to dawn on him.

“Are there going to be some more precise instructions… I mean… we can’t really fail, can we?”

“No, we can’t,” Legolas confirmed. “But that’s why we are going to train and hopefully, by tomorrow, Balin can provide us with some more information. We never have time to plan, though, one of our informants gets into contact with us and often we have to act on the same day, two days are actually pretty awesome.”

Fili couldn’t quite share Legolas optimism, but was pretty sure at the same time that the other was only faking it and knew fairly well how dangerous it was to go out there without any kind of preparation. So Fili bit back every sarcastic comment and concentrated instead on shooting at the targets. Legolas made him change the distance and made him shoot while running or during turning around. It was about aiming and giving him a feeling how the weapon worked and even though Fili wasn’t bad he still missed quite a lot. So far he’d only shot at targets while standing still, moving now around as he did so made the task a whole lot more difficult. Gaining experience would take time, he just hadn’t enough of it before they were sent out in the city, even the month of training prior to that was hardly going to turn him into a perfect shot. He didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if he and his targets were in motion.

They practised for some time, until it couldn’t take long for the others to join them, when Legolas suddenly spoke again:

“So, do I have to give you the worried best friend talk or do you know what will happen if you hurt Kili?”

If someone was Kili’s best friend it was _him_ , although Fili cursed his jealousy silently at the thought, as if the brunet couldn’t be both of their best friends.

“I have no intention to hurt him,” he answered seriously. However, he couldn’t help but think back to his conversation with Ori. If Kili wanted to be his boyfriend and Fili wasn’t ready yet, it was quite possible he would end up hurting him, intended or not. They should talk, he knew, but he had no idea where to start and didn’t want to crush the brunet’s hopes when his mind hadn’t been able to set on either, the best friend or boyfriend thing.

His thoughts were interrupted by the opening door to the trainings area and bit by bit the other members of the unit joined him and Legolas, except Kili, who probably still had to clean bathrooms and if he’d once been the commander he most likely didn’t even need all that training anyway, but knew what to do in a difficult situation out of instinct.

The next hours Dwalin and Bard taught him a few new moves and it turned out the bald man had been going easy on him so far, this time he fought like someone that truly wanted to hurt him. Perhaps to prepare him better after he’d been nearly strangled during his first mission, so that, by the time he reached his living cabin again, there was no desire to live left in him when he dropped onto his bed with a groan. Damn, he thought Dwalin was going to train him, instead he felt like dying every second.

“Wow, you look like shit,” a voice drifted to him as the pain in his muscles abated slowly.

“Thanks for the compliment,” Fili snorted, opening his closed lids to look up to Kili, sitting beside him on the mattress.

But the mischievous glint in his eyes didn’t stay there for very long and Fili had a suspicion why.

“I guess you heard?”

“Yeah, I heard,” the brunet replied with a sigh, lying down next to him and pulling the blond close. Fili groaned at the movement, but soon relaxed into the gentle embrace. “Please be careful up there.”

He frowned at that, craning his head until he caught a glimpse at his friends face.

“You won’t come?”

“Of course I will, just… I still want you to be careful… I mean… things can get messy and it can happen really fast to lose sight of each other and… I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”

A little smile crept to his lips. This Fili could understand.

“You need to be careful too, then.”

“I’m always careful,” his said this so confidently that Fili couldn’t help but snort with laughter, earning a poke to the ribs.

Kili might be many things, but careful… oh… careful wasn’t one of them. Instead most of the time he was more reckless than was healthy.

“The nerve of it!” The brunet complained in fake annoyance. “I don’t even no anymore why I love a person like you!”

“Aw, don’t be like that, I will make it up to you,” Fili promised, getting himself into the game the other was playing.

“And how?”

“Well,” he began, propping himself up onto his elbows and just barely brushing their noses together. The smile on Kili’s features everything that was needed to fill his whole being with warmth. “I’ve got this idea,” he added, before leaning closer and sealing their lips together.

It wasn’t heated or hungry and not even their tongues were involved. Tender touches of soft lips that didn’t want to do anything but share affection and talk about belonging. Fili had already learned how much Kili preferred gentleness over simple desire. It was strange in a way, he’d always expected his friend to be someone as active as his character, as someone searching for passion instead of calm tenderness. On the other hand, he wasn’t able to say what the last seven years had changed in Kili and it would take more time than barely two weeks to find out and just because he’d detected one preference, it didn’t mean Kili would shy away from anything that wasn’t a brushing sensation of love at the same time.

His eagerness to go on sunk at the thought, as he couldn’t help but think again at Ori’s words and Legolas trying to give him the talk. The blond didn’t want to hurt his friend, but was there truly a way to avoid it? Tauriel had known about Kili’s feelings after all, which meant they weren’t a new development. It made him wonder how long the brunet carried this burden already, of loving someone he couldn’t reach for whatever reasons he wasn’t ready to tell Fili.

“Can I ask you something?” He breathed against Kili’s lips when he broke the kiss, but staying close enough that his friend could steal another if he wanted.

“Of course.”

“Since when do you love me?”

Kili frowned at that, before increasing the distance between them, seeming deep in thought. Fili flopped back down, although he rolled onto his side, supporting his head with bedding it on his crooked arm to watch his friend from a more comfortable position. Kili followed suit, perhaps having already found the answer.

“I don’t know. I just know when I realised it,” he replied.

“When was that?” Fili asked curiously, noticing how Kili’s gaze wandered far away. His breath faltered, was he now going to hear something happening during the last seven years? He was barely able to continue, fearing a too fitfully breath now might stop his friend.

“I had just turned fourteen,” Kili began and Fili could feel his heart sink at the words, but at the same time the curiosity returned stronger than ever, wondering how it was possible for him to have miss the others feelings for him. “My parents hadn’t any money left for my birthday to buy me a small present. I told you I didn’t mind, but you were so shocked… you said I couldn’t celebrate my birthday without a present and so you dragged me to the junkyard.”

With fascination Fili watched a smile appearing on the brunet’s features, causing his heart to skip a beat at the sight. Kili was truly a little piece of light in the dark, just his smile was radiating so much warmth, so much brightness, he was surprised it didn’t blind him.

“I don’t know what exactly you were looking for, but eventually we found that smashed guitar and you spent the whole afternoon with fixing the strings. It sounded so bad, but you didn’t care. You played and sang _Happy Birthday_ and you smiled at me, just like you do right now.”

Only pointed out to him like that did Fili realise he was indeed smiling, his cheeks even hurt a little from it. He couldn’t stop it and he didn’t want to. He remembered that day, it was all a bit blurry, it was nearly ten years ago after all, and it felt like even more time had passed. But he remembered the awful sounds the strings had made and with his singing above the noise it must’ve been terrible to listen to, Kili, though, had just been grateful and this had made rummaging the junkyard worth it. Every little effort for Kili had been worth it.

“I knew then that I had fallen in love with you.”

It felt great, being loved by someone like Kili. As if he had the power to do everything he wanted, win a fight with Dwalin, change the world, whatever. There was no other possible reaction to show what those words had done to him, despite kissing the brunet breathless. Kili accepted the kiss with a content little sigh.

Almost ten years. Almost ten years ago Kili had recognised the feeling inside him for what it was, but who knew how long it had been there before. It must’ve been painful, trying to keep it a secret, allowing them to be no more than friends. And the time afterwards, separated, but still without the people he loved and longed for. It would’ve been far easier to just cut them from his life. To bury his feelings until they wouldn’t even stir again. Instead Kili had held on to them and talked to everyone he knew here about the person he loved.

Fili had a hard time imagining what life must’ve been like for him. At one point he’d accepted Kili’s death. Of course he could never forget his best friend. But friends and lovers… it was a different kind of love and he didn’t know if his sorrow and mourning the other’s loss could in any form compete to Kili’s.

It made him even more grateful to have someone as wonderful as Kili in his life.

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili learns, what Kili had to do for Nori...

 

 

They spent the night together, as they did so often since rescuing Kili, almost like the brunet had already moved in with him. He might have his clothes still in his own living cabin but all the time he could spare was spent in Fili's presence. It was quite nice actually, waking up beside a warm body, kisses the first thing greeting him in the morning. Although Fili might have been able to enjoy this more, if he could finally get his head around what the brunet was to him. Friend, lover, boyfriend. Each one of them seemed fitting, but just didn't sit right with him.

"By the way, I got us something to try next, although I fear I owe Bofur quite a fortune," Kili's hot breath hit the side of his neck, followed by a tender kiss that allowed Fili to feel the smile on the other's lips.

The first spark of curiosity was choked pretty fast when Kili mentioned what it might cost him. Instantly he thought back to their parting, the brunet staying with Nori in a tunnel that could've been overflowing with CAI. Remembered a whole month of uncertainty and of a worry reminding him far too much of a time seven years ago, waiting and hoping for good news, but never receiving one. Whatever it was Kili had gotten, it wasn't worth endangering himself, it wasn't worth getting hurt.

"And what does he want?" He wanted to ask, voice hoarse with suppressed emotions.

However, he didn't manage to fool Kili, for he propped himself up immediately, where he'd been snuggling up to Fili and met his gaze with a concerned frown.

"Nothing so far and he won't send me into the city. It will just be something simple like covering three of his shifts or whatever he will come up with. Nori was different, he's living in the city," his friend tried to soothe him.

"What did you even have to do for him?" The question was wandering around in his head since they had to separate.

Why keep Kili at a place this dangerous? Why demanding of him to repay a debt in that very moment? Weren't they standing on the same side? Was there no kind of trust between them?

"Well... he lives in the city and you know what some people in the city do to cope with it," his friend explained, choosing every word very carefully, while averting his eyes.

"Drugs? Really?" Fili hissed when it dawned on him.

Getting a hold of this stuff was just as suicidal as taking it. The side-effects could kill people, the price was another thing, once taken it was hard to stop. Many people lost their homes about it, living more on drugs than food, robbing others for money just to afford the next fix. It was a pathetic form of life, even for a place like the city, where every day was a fight. And dragging others into it... Fili was fuming with anger. He thought of the wound in Kili's leg, just healed enough for the stitches to come out, a wound that wouldn't have been there in the first place if the brunet had returned with them right away, if Kili hadn't been attacked by junkies. The rage only grew as understanding crept into him.

"It's dangerous for our informants to go into certain parts of the city and so he sent me. I don't blame him, though. He was in prison, living there is even worse and if it helps him cope and forget I don't mind doing it. I would prefer to forget some stuff, too."

"You can't really try to defend him now," Fili snarled. Shocked how careless Kili handled his life. He could've died for God's sake!

If more had went wrong the blond would now lie here alone, perhaps in the same situation like seven years ago, hoping for his friend to return but never receiving a word. And if he disappeared during running such an errand not even Thorin might've been able to solve what had happened to Kili.

"What about these junkies that attacked you, huh?"

Obviously caught, Kili lowered his head.

"They recognised me, thought I had money with me. But it isn't Nori's fault, he couldn't know this could happened," the brunet defended Ori's brother.

"Yes, he could've known. Everyone knows it's dangerous, you too."

"I-"

"Gods Kili, do you know what could have happened? I could have lost you!"

Just the thought constricted his throat, hampering his breathing. If he had died... if he had...

Instinctively he wrapped his arms around the brunet, pulling him close, noting with relief his friend was returning the embrace. The pressure behind his eye spoke of tears, waiting just for a last desperate emotion surging through him to blur his vision and set sobs into his throat. What would he do without Kili's warmth, his smile, his laugh, voice, touches, kisses, the way he made him feel alive again? Fili was here, supporting Thorin because of him. Because of Ori and his mother as well, but without Kili... he couldn't go through that pain again. It would break him.

"I'm fine, Fee. You haven't lost me," Kili murmured, voice muffled from where his face was buried at the blond's shoulder. One of his hands had begun to rub gently between his shoulder blades, the soothing motion draining the tension from his body so very slowly.

He allowed his friend to take care of him, stroking his back, his head, his cheeks. Savoured his kisses and listened to whispered words of love, reminding him that Kili was here with him. That he was indeed alright and here with him, comforting and gentle. How did he deserve the love of such a wonderful man?

"You are amazing," Fili sighed as his agitated mind came to rest.

Kili giggled.

"You are not so bad yourself."

“So what is it you sacrificed your spare time for?” He wondered eventually, after finally regaining his composure and in need of a change of subject to dispel the last bits of embarrassment following his emotional outburst.

Kili’s eyes lightened at the mention of the thing he’d brought with him. Pulling a small bottle from one his wide trouser pockets the brunet handed it to Fili. He in turn frowned at it, reading the label but unable to find out what it was for.

“Lube?”

His friend sat up and smiled with excitement as he nodded enthusiastically.

“Yeah, so we could try doing it the real way next time.”

Fili had a sinking suspicion at that.

“The real way?” He pressed therefore, waiting for a more precise explanation.

“You know, sex.”

They both blushed simultaneously.

“But-,“ he started, pausing when he didn’t instantly knew how to phrase what had crossed his mind, “well… we are both men, how is this even supposed to work?”

It definitely wasn’t a great feeling to sit here, receiving a lesson from his best friend regarding sex education. Firstly, Kili was two years younger than him and obviously better informed than him, it was embarrassing. Secondly, in school there might have been something like sex education, but it wasn’t much and only addressing a relationship between a woman and a man. If Fili was honest, he’d always imagined himself marrying a woman someday, because that was how a working marriage and a future family had always been propagandised. He might not have wanted to raise children in such a foul environment, but he probably would have anyway. People with children were supported with money by the government, which was a great attraction for the most up there to conceive a child.

And even if Fili could’ve imagined himself with a man instead of a woman before he and Kili had become closer, the poor were lacking the resources to educate themselves further and with all the hard work he probably wouldn’t even have found the energy to do the research. The brunet, however, seemed to be well informed.

“Just like it works for a man with a woman,” Kili answered, but just because he was well informed didn’t mean at the same time that he’d ever talked about this topic, like his red-coloured cheeks implied.

Fili stared at him, eyes wide and barely able to believe what Kili was getting at.

“You are not shoving your dick up my arse!” He blurted out when the meaning had finally sunken in.

His friend’s eyes lost some of their eager gleam.

“If you don’t want to bottom, I will do it,” he offered and although a part of Fili registered that Kili was trying to come up with a reasonable solution, his mind was just too far gone to consider it.

“I’m not shoving my dick up your arse!” The blond clarified.

This was just… this was dirty and when one of them came? Would their come just stay inside the other. Shit… that had to feel disgusting.

“Why not?” Kili wanted to know, his voice reaching a desperate touch.

“Because it’s gross!” Fili stood by his opinion.

“How can you say that if you never even tried?”

Now he sounded truly frustrated and it was what dragged Fili out of the cloud of shock surrounding him and taking a closer look at his best friend. His excitement had completely disappeared and now a dejected expression sat on his features, making his heart clench painfully. Fili swallowed hard. Of course Kili was right, he couldn’t just say something like that without even trying. How often did he claim not to like a certain kind of food without even tasting it and in the end, when his mum had pushed him to try, had liked it? This wasn’t really any different, other than it was a really big step. Allowing Kili to suck him off or touch him down there still contained some kind of a safe barrier. If they had sex like that it was going to be more intimate than everything they had done before. There was no turning back then and Fili couldn’t say if he was ready or in any way prepared for it. However, only because he wasn’t didn’t give him permission to hurt Kili in the way he was obviously doing right now with his rejection.

Still, there were too many things too vague about it for him to even think of consenting to it.

“But… but how is this even supposed to work? Won’t it hurt?” He wondered.

Kili’s shoulders slumped in defeat.

“There are preparations to prevent it from hurting, like the lube and stretching,” the brunet replied ruefully, not even attempting anymore to convince him. Somehow seeing Kili give up on it felt only worse.

It wasn’t fair. Kili offered and offered and he took and took. It wasn’t right. He could at least try for his friend’s sake, but it was hard to break the last barrier between them.

“I just thought we would both enjoy it.”

Biting the insides of his cheeks Fili inhaled deeply.

“Can I think about it?”

With widening lids Kili’s gaze met his.

“Of course, you can! I don’t want to force you into anything,” his friend hurriedly told him.

“Just give me a bit time to warm up towards the idea, okay?”

“Of course!” Kili nodded at his request. “Take all the time you need!”

Others might have pressed him. Others might have rolled their eyes about his antics. But not Kili. Never Kili. His sweet dark haired light, always ensuring he was okay with the next step. His stomach fluttered with nerves at the thought. Kili truly seemed to love him more than anything. How much he would’ve given to know if he was developing the same feelings for his friend.

Intuitively he reached for Kili’s hands, squeezing them gently.

“I’m sorry I am such an idiot,” he apologised.

A small smile crept to the brunet’s lips. It had been sorely missed by Fili. The smile belonged always to Kili’s features.

“It’s okay, I know I can be a bit pushy.”

“No, I was completely out of line there. Please, forgive me.”

Fili took the following peck to his lips as a _yes_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be too harsh on Fili, this is all very new and scary for him.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili has doubts...

 

 

The next day the unit was exempted from their usual tasks, even Kili, although his punishment wouldn't end anytime soon, but they all needed to rest before they were going to head to the city in the evening. Some more information had been gathered and the units were instructed quite conscientiously, but other than that they were told to take it easy for now. Eat and sleep and start well rested, had been Balin's words.

Fili had trouble with all of these things. There was this permanent feeling of tension, drawing his body as taut as a bowstring and filling him with a restlessness, which made sleeping pretty much impossible. He couldn't help but notice that he wasn't in any way prepared for what was going to await him up there. Just a part of the unit for some weeks, it was now asked of him to be part of one of the most important missions this movement had ever seen. He suspected unit four to be part of the operation because his comrades were just some of the best among these people. However, they might be brilliant, but he had never won a mortal combat, he'd been there, in need of saving and never done the rescuing himself.

And although he sensed no one would hold it against him, should he decide to stay behind, perhaps it would even be the sensible choice, Fili still couldn't. Legolas and all the others had become his friends during the last weeks, they respected him and vice versa. The blond was never going to forgive himself if he chose to stay here, while they risked their lives. Even if he couldn't do much, he would do all in his power for them to return safe and sound. Besides, he wasn't very keen on ever feeling the uncertainty again regarding the fate of his loved ones. His mum, Ori, Dori, Kili. It was enough! He wasn't going to put Kili's name again on this list, just because Fili decided he wasn't ready. They were a team and he should be doomed before he was going to abandon it.

Despite his brave thoughts Fili couldn't force himself to eat except a few bites. His stomach felt queasy, a lump of dread sitting inside him and turning even the imagination of food into a prospect of disgust. Kili tried to urge him, but it was in vain, one more bite and Fili was certain he was going to vomit. Could he really do it? Kill people? He didn't know.

"They are no people," Kili, sitting next to him, said, telling the blond he'd uttered his thoughts aloud. "They are CAI. They are no humans."

But they would look like them and this seemed far too real for him. What was even telling them, that they were CAI and not hosts? How could they be so sure their spies were right? And even after everyone assured him their informants hadn't been wrong about their sources so far, what gave them the right to pass a judgement on who deserved to live and who to die? Perhaps the CAI weren't human in the way the word was defined, but did it mean at the same time that they didn't deserve to live? Now, with their mission approaching, Fili asked himself these questions again and again. Of course no one deserved to be violated like that, carrying a CAI to full terms without a choice, but it wasn't like the CAI were to blame for the way they were created. It was Sauron's fault and that of his men and it felt so wrong to kill people who hadn't any say in their origins.

"Fili?" The brunet said, concern evident in his voice and drawing Fili from his deep thoughts.

Their eyes met and the blond could easily detect the confusion and worry in them. He sighed. Cutting Kili out wasn't going to do them any good, if any it would strain their recovered trust.

"But they look like people and they can think and feel... and I just..."

"They can think because they are programmed to do so and they can only feel what their host offered them. They can't feel what wasn't there before, they can't see what Sauron does and feel that it is wrong. They get indoctrinated, are told what they do is for the greater good of this world and they believe it, because there are no feelings of disgust or horror when they process a new information, they just accept it," Kili told him vehemently and Fili couldn't help but notice that he sounded just like Thorin in that moment and it scared him. Made him wonder if Kili might turn into this man with passing years...

He shook his head as soon as the thought crossed his mind. No, he would make sure Kili stayed Kili. The Kili he knew was much more prominent in this man than Thorin and he wasn't going to lose him to bitterness. Not when he could give his friend the hold he needed.

"You don't need to feel sorry for them," Kili hissed.

Fili let the topic drop at that. He didn't want to argue right now, not when he needed his energy for tonight and the talk about CAI seemed to upset his best friend so much. So he just reached for the brunet's hand and intertwined their fingers – which was easier thought than done with the tension Kili had clenched his fists with. But it didn't take long for the other to relax into the hold he offered and Fili was relieved to witness shoulders slacken as he was gifted with a small smile.

Fili leaned in for a kiss not much later, draining the last bit of tension from Kili’s body and luring a content sigh from his throat. With this problem solved they parted not much later, since he wanted to meet with Ori, hoping the calm nature of his friend would also help to soothe his agitated mind.

He was surprised, though, to find his mother at Ori’s working place as well. It seemed like she’d brought the redhead his lunch, since the communication centre would’ve been unoccupied had Ori went to the dining hall and if Fili had learned one thing while working with Bilbo here, then that it was necessary to never leave this place vacant, for important calls could come on every day at any time.

However, it wasn’t an unpleasant surprise to meet her there, he might have turned twenty-five not long ago, but he still valued the feeling of strength and safety his mother offered. She wasn’t always strong, but he couldn’t help but hold on to a childlike belief that his mother knew a solution for everything.

“Hey, Fili!” Ori greeted him, looking up from where he was busy with piling food onto his plate.

“Oh, my darling! Come here and take a seat, what a wonderful surprise. Don’t you have to work today?” His mother wondered, ushering him to a seat at the table.

“Um… we’ve gotten the day off to relax before tonight,” he replied softly, the heavy burden on his shoulders not moving an inch.

The smile died on both of their lips and just the sight of it made him swallow hard and writhe like he’d been punched. It wasn’t his intention to ruin their good mood.

“How are you feeling?” Ori asked after he seemed to have recovered from the first shock.

Fili shrugged helplessly. Not prepared enough, but like he owed it to his mates to be there and fight at their side.

“I guess I’m scared,” he told them honestly after a long pause.

Dis pulled another chair over to them, sitting down beside Fili and covering one of his hands in hers. The warmth that simple gesture flooded him with silenced a part of his insecurities.

“I can imagine. Fighting for the right thing isn’t always easy.”

“It’s just… I fear something will go wrong,” he breathed heavily.

“Fili,” Ori demanded his attention, causing him to meet his friends gaze. “These people here know what they do. Trust me on that. I have seen quite a lot during the last weeks and Thorin and the others are really careful. The ambush is well planned, it will be fine,” the redhead assured him.

It were words he’d needed to hear, not just from someone who lived her for years and whose judgment might be clouded from the safety Erebor offered, but from someone he trusted more than himself in this matter. Ori was smart and with his naturally curiosity it was most likely he’d understood already more about this place and the movement than Fili would in years. He wasn’t stupid either, however, a thirst for knowledge was able to destroy your whole existence in the city, which was why he had dispelled the childlike curiosity from his mind very early in his life.

He trusted Ori to be honest with him, other than Thorin and the people who trusted this man. If Ori said everything was well planned, then it was well planned. Although, this wasn’t his only fear.

“I don’t think I can kill anyone. I don’t know how,” he confessed another of his worries.

The hand still held in his mother’s gentle grip received a comforting squeeze.

“And I hope you never learn to,” she said. Her gaze was full of love and without judgement. “Killing should never be easy and never something to be enjoyed. It shouldn’t even be necessary, but unfortunately Sauron turned it into a necessity when he decided to replace and kill people and to seize power. You are only responsible for your own actions and if you have to kill someone, because they attack you and leave you no other choice, then please value your life and fight back.”

“You told me this already,” he realised.

When he was old enough to work in one of the factories and every working day would contain a long distance to cover between his working place and his home. He’d always known there could be dangerous people out there, it was a lesson the city taught everyone. But only at this point had his mother come to him and given him this speech. Fili had never dared to ask why, secretly fearing the answer, for he sensed it concerned his father in some way and he didn’t want to pain his mum even further. Back then he’d promised her, promised her to fight and return to her and so far he’d kept this promise.

“Only the circumstances have changed, but the meaning is still the same,” she told him and he nodded.

“I promise to return.”

A smile crept to her lips at that.

“Oh, I don’t doubt that,” Dis uttered confidently. “As long as you stay with Kili everything will be alright. The two of you have always taken care of each other and together there wasn’t anything that could stop you. Promise me you will allow him to look after you and that you will look after him when you go up there.”

The truth in her words was hard to miss. From the day they had met Fili and Kili had been inseparable. Watching out for the other and getting into all sorts of trouble, but they’d always come out of it more or less mildly. They had gotten hurt when they were alone. He injected with a CAI, forcing Kili to cut him with a knife and Kili alone in the city, facing its dangers and getting chased by a bunch of junkies. Together. She was right. And not only Kili, but the whole unit. Legolas had saved him already once. Dwalin showed him how to fight and Bard had also turned into a great companion. Fili and Kili would look out for each other and their unit, in return the unit would do the same for them. This was how he would get through tonight: with trust and companionship.

“I promise,” Fili repeated.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the next mission begins...

 

 

The moment of departure came sooner than Fili liked. Everywhere around him people said goodbye and wished them luck. He could spot Kili and Legolas at the other end of the hall, standing beside Thranduil and Thorin and talking in low voices. Gimli and Gloin where pulled into a brief hug by Oin, while in a little distance Bofur seemed to joke with Bifur and Bombur about the upcoming task of their cousin, perhaps to lighten the mood. Feren and Lindir faced a girl whose name Fili didn’t know. Dwalin’s deep voice rumbled through the hall as he tried to avoid well-intentioned advice by his brother Balin. But it were Bard and his children, accompanied but Tauriel, that caught Fili’s gaze.

They were hugging their father tight as if they wouldn’t let him go to this mission. Sigrid, the oldest, stayed strong, but the grimace on Bain’s features and the tears running down little Tilda’s cheek were impossible to miss. The main fear might have left Fili, however, a certain amount of dread had remained inside him and perhaps this was even healthy, seeing this family like told him again in what kind of danger they willingly went and brought back the nausea to his stomach. Bard embraced Tilda the longest, for she seemed to need it, stroked and kissed her head of hair, probably whispering shooting words into her ear. Fili wondered if Dis felt like this too, now that she was about to let him go up there again.

The last was Tauriel and when she kissed Bard and he wiped something from her cheeks that could only be tears Fili averted his gaze, feeling rude to watch such an intimate moment. Turning his attention back to his mother, who looked at him with an unreadable expression Fili tried to smile reassuringly. He couldn’t say if he succeeded in his current mood, when she pulled him into a tight hug, though, he received his answer. Burying his face at her shoulder he bathed in the warmth and safety she offered, he might be an adult, but she would always stay his mother, his tower of strength.

“You will be careful,” she told him.

“Of course, I promised you, haven’t I?”

Only reluctantly she let go of him, when it was time to enter the transport capsule, although a look around the hall showed him that most members of the unit were still busy with saying goodbye. If he’d needed any proof that this mission was different, more dangerous and at the same time more important than the other one he’d been part of, this was it. There were people of the other unit, men and women he’d only seen in passing, who looked like they begged for more time as well. They all might be given a few more minutes, but at one point they had to leave or they were going to miss the window of opportunity. While his gaze wandered through the room his eyes couldn’t help but settle on Bard and Tauriel for a moment once more, before  finding Kili. Fili swallowed hard.

“Mum,” he began carefully, his voice barely rising over the tangle of murmuring. “How does being in love feels like?”

“Well… at first it’s all new and exciting, you don’t want to be parted from him,” at this point Fili realised she was remembering her time with her husband, while his eyes still weren’t able to leave the brunet on the other side of the hall, “one look can make you feel weak in the knees, your stomach is tingling with butterflies and it’s a time full of passion. With passing time it grows into something deeper and the butterflies disappear. But it isn’t bad, for he gives you the feeling of safety and comfort and just the sound of his breathing can make you feel at home. You don’t need to see him all the time, just knowing he is there lets the world calm down.”

Fili wondered if he was ever going to feel what his mother had just described. She’d loved her husband so much, a ray of light in the darkness of the city and then the world had even taken this from her. Dis was so strong to go on after this, to raise him as best as she could without bending to the horrors of her surroundings. There was no one Fili respected more than his mother.

It was in this moment Kili realised Fili was watching him and the bright smile instantly taking over his feature made the blond’s heart beat faster with affection and made him return the smile, despite of what dangerous task lay ahead of them. His decision was final, he wouldn’t back out of it, had always discarded this option. Fili wanted to help, to turn this world into a better place, for his mum and Ori and Dori and himself and Kili. Perhaps he wasn’t in love with his best friend, but after hearing his mother talk about love and seeing the other smile at him and the way it made him feel… he couldn’t deny anymore that he was falling for Kili.

A call resounded in the hall once more and this time they had to go. There was barely enough time for him to pull Dori and Ori into a quick embrace, listening to them demand of him to return safe and sound, a promise he couldn’t make but would do everything in his power to keep it anyway. And then he was off, getting in line with his mates, Kili’s hand sneaking into his before he even spotted the brunet beside him. The slight squeeze gave him the strength to banish the fear for now, he could think about all of this again when it was safe to do so, right now and up there it would only work as a distraction.

However, after getting in the capsule a tense silence unfurled and no one seemed to have the courage to break it, not even Kili, who shot him reassuring glances from time to time, while the gazes of his other comrades were mostly turned to the ground or at one of the walls.

“Hey, Bard!” Dwalin’s voice suddenly cut through the quietness, booming like thunder in a silent night and receiving the attention of the whole unit in the process. “What was it you and Tauriel had to talk about while everyone else here was already preparing for the departure?” The bald man asked.

Fili almost believed to spot a hint of mischief glistening in the eyes of his commander, although Dwalin’s words were probably only supposed to lighten the mood and every other intention would be denied by him if asked.

Bard ejected a choked laugh as the tension drained from him. He didn’t seem to be the only one, just a bit of noise was all that was needed to distract them.

“There is nothing safe here,” Bard said shaking his head, but it was obvious he wasn’t getting out of this without an answer with the way everyone seemed to be staring at him. “Well, if you must know,” he continued, “we decided we don’t want to wait any longer and are going to marry as soon as possible after this mission.”

Clapping and cheers filled the vehicle, congratulations were voiced and Legolas clapped Bard on the back, appearing truly happy for his mate while the soon-to-be groom seemed to enjoy receiving good wishes. Fili, on the other hand, looked at Kili in complete surprise.

“They are engaged?”

“Oh yeah,” Kili answered casually. “Since… gosh, I think half a year? They actually said they were going to marry when we have finally won, but if you ask me I think it’s great they forgot about this plan, they really belong together,” the last sentence was whispered to Fili, nearly drowned by the other voices.

Perhaps the brunet didn’t want them all to know that he’d thought it stupid these two had delayed their wedding in favour of the success of this movement. And Fili could understand, no one could say how long the fight against Sauron would take. Bard and Tauriel should be allowed to be happy and celebrate their love like the esteemed feeling that it was. In the city this wasn’t possible, the poor didn’t have the money to have a great party with friends and family. It was too expensive, instead getting married consisted of signing a piece of paper up there. That was it. A piece of paper telling them they were in love. Well, the couple knew this without it. They wanted to share a special moment instead. Fili had sometimes seen the broadcast of a wedding of rich people on the screens in shop windows. Fili wasn't keen on the rich folk, but it was easy to notice how happy they had appeared during a wedding.

Bard and Tauriel deserved this as well and he hoped Thorin, Thranduil and Balin would give their permission to celebrate an union like that appropriately. At least for now the tense atmosphere had lifted and the unit was chattering and even larksome.

This state wasn’t lasting long, though, for a beeping noise told them they had reached the city. Kili and he exchanged a quick kiss before they had to leave the capsule and wheel up into line. For their own safety the vehicle had stopped in the tunnels. The other unit would arrive at a different part of the city, for while it was the mission of the fourth unit to kill Azog and the CAI he was transporting, the second unit would cause chaos in the meantime in another part of the city, so the police and every other security service would be deducted from their usual spot, clearing the way for them and ensuring they weren’t interrupted by anything.

On the outskirts they climbed the rungs and out of a manhole. Feren and Lindir hadn’t returned by that time, after they were sent out by Dwalin as an advanced party through the tunnels. Fili wasn’t given the opportunity to get really worried about them though, for before he could wonder what was taking them so long they had already caught up with them, nodding at Dwalin’s questioning gaze.

They took up position at the side of one of the main roads. Fili knew this place, it was near the crematorium and felt far too open. The next buildings towered in a safe distance, still casting their shadows over the land, but not close enough to offer protection. There were only dead looking plants surrounding them, thorny bushes they covered under with too few leaves to hide them, should the light of a headlight turn to them. It might have been planned, but Fili couldn’t help but tremble with nerves, his heart pounding so loud he wondered if it was going to betray their position.

It wasn’t improving matters either that he couldn’t see Kili. His friend was positioned on the other side of the road while Fili huddled beside Legolas on the gravelly ground. It was eerily quiet, it shouldn’t unsettle him, since there was hardly anything outside of the city for many hundreds of kilometres, but with the tension straining his body and the only noise reaching his ears consisting of his own breathing and rapidly pounding heart, even the silence was too much. Was it possible for his shaking limbs to cause a scraping sound on the rough floor?

There didn’t happen anything for a long while. In the darkness and in the company of quiet men he wasn’t able to tell if they lay there for minutes or perhaps even hours. How long would the night last? Was it perhaps already moving towards dawn?

Just when the blond thought he couldn’t take the silence and the tension any longer and was about to whisper something to Legolas the working turbine of a transport capsule resounded in the distance. Fili’s attention turned back onto the street. This had to be it.

And indeed he didn’t have to wait long for a vehicle to manoeuvre over the rail on the main road. It’s pace was slow like it was required by law for transports at such a late hour, since the energy input the city received was reduced by the powerhouses. The work at these places was pretty dangerous due to missing safety equipment. They were always looking for employees, but not many people wanted to work there and who could fault them? But it was the reason why they tried to safe energy at night for the next day and therefore, when the rails fed more into a vehicle than was allowed, it meant consequences for the owner of the transport capsule.

The unit benefitted form it, when the vehicle crossed the place where they had taken cover at the side of the road Bard abandoned his hiding place, throwing a little round object at the capsule. It stuck to the metal like a magnet, let loose a few low beeping noises, which were mostly drowned by the sounds of the vehicle, and exploded not much later. Shacking the earth with the power of the eruption and bathing their surroundings in an orange light.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the description of love didn't suck, this turned out harder to write than I thought...


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili has to face Azog...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm going to move on Monday I won't manage uploading the chapter in the usual rythm, therefore I decided to upload the next one already today.

 

 

The sound of the explosion was deafening and despite the progress in weapon development going hand in hand with them turning quieter, a bomb like this still left his ears ringing.

“Go!” Dwalin’s shouted order pierced through the sound, nonetheless.

Fili’s body reacted on instinct, just seeing like Legolas and the other got up to abandon their hiding places urged him follow suit. Sticking to Legolas’ heels he drew the little crossbow, heart pounding like mad the whole time as he tried to block the little panicky voice inside his head out. He couldn’t think about anything but the mission right now or he would end up distracted and who knew what might happen in this case.

The unit was surrounding the burning vehicles, weapons aiming at the entry. The metal creaked under the heat of the flames, licking at everything flammable it could find in the destroyed section of the capsule. Their feet hitting the ground with quick steps, an addition to the ringing, still maltreating Fili’s ears. Just when they were about to reach the door of the vehicle it suddenly flew open.

“Attack! Kill them!” Someone screamed from the inside and only a few seconds later men and women jumped out of the capsule, wearing city clothes and armed with nothing more but knifes or metal rods.

At the sight of the blades gleaming in the lights of the fire Fili froze. Memories of pain surged through his mind, paralysing his limbs while the enemy – CAI, Fili assumed – darted at them. The first wave didn’t get very far, killed by the shots of the unit almost instantly. It was no thanks to him, since he wasn’t even able raise his crossbow, lost in his own screams while a knife cut into his flesh and a hand stole the breath from his lips. He shuddered, unable to move, as the second wave crashed into their small unit.

He was pushed by someone at his side and only when his body collided painfully with the ground did his mind awake from its stupor, making him realise he wasn’t in the tunnels anymore, but under the starlit sky and that the screams he was hearing were the ones of his comrades and their attackers and not his own. His heavy breathing slowed just barely at the knowledge, although it was enough to stop his chest from aching and allow the clarity to stay in his head.

Craning his head Fili looked around. No one was paying him any mind, laying there on the ground everyone must think of his body as an eliminated threat and in the sparse light of the burning vehicle, with him located in its shadow, they weren’t able to realise he was still alive and unharmed. Fili had similar trouble, spotted only shades fighting, some shouting, others punching and kicking and dodging.  Trying to locate a familiar face in the crowd was pretty impossible, since all of their unit were still wearing hoods and scarfs and in the darkness he wasn’t able to recognise a difference between all those people, they looked all the same and it was part of what he’d feared. CAIs looked like human… this whole place was just humans fighting against humans and his qualms of killing a being with emotions and dreams and a future were now confronting the promise he’d given his mother.

Lost in such a dilemma he almost wanted to curl up on the ground like a coward and pretend he wasn’t a part of this, but then he heard someone scream. I voice he knew just as well as his own. His worries forgotten in mere seconds he jumped to his feet, running past fighting limbs and towards the screams. Hurrying around the vehicle he detected Kili near the burning parts of the capsule. His hood and scarf had slipped, a bald, pale man burying his hand in the brunet's hair and dragging Kili by it towards the flames while Fili’s friend thrashed around, legs kicking at nothing but stirring up dust. His hands were helplessly clawing at the stranger’s hand, who seemed completely unfazed by the brunet’s attempts. Fili caught sight of Kili’s crossbow and gun, lying abandoned on the road and far out of the brunet’s reach.

The blond found himself briefly wondering why his friend didn’t use his knife before he darted forward, realising what the pale man intended as he and his captive came closer to the fire. He wouldn’t let this bastard take Kili from him. He wouldn’t allow anyone ever again to take Kili from him! With a roar full of rage he rammed his enemy, sending them both crashing on the ground. The impact hurt, but a quick glance told him his friend was safe, who was right now scrambling backwards, away from the flames and chest heaving swiftly with panic-stricken breaths.

There was no time to feel relief, however, for his enemy grabbed Fili already by the shoulder and smashed him against the capsule, close enough to the burning parts Fili was able to feel the heat of the fire as the air was pressed from his lungs. Desperately gasping for breaths that wouldn’t come he slumped to the ground. Feet not working as his body willed his lung to work again, but instead of inhaling oxygen he caught a mouthful of smoke, increasing the coughing fit following the collision and driving tears to his eyes.

A shadow was suddenly looming over him and brutal hands reached for his head. Cold blue eyes pierced into his as the pale man crouched down and strained the blond’s neck. Agony shot through his neck as his enemy tried to force it into a position that wasn’t possible for his body. He pushed against the hands, finding himself not strong enough without any air in his lung, just a breathy cry left his lips, when the muscles in his neck started to scream.

“Get away from him!” Kili bellowed, kicking the bald giant so forcefully against the head he almost lost his balance.

The guy lost his grip and stumbled backwards, letting out a pained noise. The air returned to Fili while he held his painfully throbbing neck, awkwardly getting back onto his feet, just in time to see their enemy taking a swing at Kili, who evaded it in the last possible moment. Fili had only now the time to think, even though only barely while watching Kili deal blows and shirking from the ones returned. The pale man with the now bleeding noise owned the same voice that had ordered the CAI to attack not long before. This had to be Azog.

The next punch came out of nowhere. One moment Kili was on his feet, the next he wasn’t and watching his friend fall with a groan filled his body with adrenalin. Azog was already bending over him, taking another swing at Kili before the brunet was able to comprehend where he was after receiving such a painful blow. An awful smacking noise of skin meeting skin rose over the crackling of the fire, it was nauseating to listen, to see Kili failing to protect himself, just enduring what Azog dealt. Three… four… groaning… five…

Fili lunged at the pale man, socking him against the jaw. Azog lost his balance, his bend position detaining him from regaining his footing in the last moment. At Fili’s feet Kili writhed in pain, a whimper escaping his lips as he curled up into a ball.

Fili saw red at hearing this broken sound coming from his best friend. He was lying there, in pain, because of Azog! This bastard had hurt his Kili! With a kick Fili forced the enemy to stay on the ground, when he was just about to get up again, aiming another kick to his rips. However, Azog was too fast rolling out of his reach and leaping to his feet. Raising his fists Fili prepared for a hand-to-hand fight as Sauron’s subordinate circled him.

Evading the first blow directed at him Fili took a swing himself, but it was blocked. Fili tried to remember what Dwalin had taught him, with the urge for revenge after what this man had done to Kili, however, it was nearly impossible. He lunged and ducked and earned a heavy blow himself when he didn’t pay enough attention to his guard, barely sidestepping another blow. Azog was in a similar mood, though and so the blond found an opening then and again. No one of them was able to gain the upper hand, nevertheless.

This knowledge angered Fili even more. He couldn’t even make him pay for what he’d done to Kili! This wasn’t fair! He’d trained so hard and still wasn’t able to hold his ground and protect his mates. Of course he wasn’t part of the unit as long as all of the other, but he should still be better than that. He should be able to do something! With a scream filled with wrath Fili used the gap in Azog’s guard and punched his enemy so hard against the temple the skin on knuckles split.

Azog stumbled backwards and for a moment it didn’t look like he would fall, but then a buzzing sound clove the air and Sauron’s henchman dropped like a puppet whose strings had been cut. An arrow, from one of the crossbows every member of the unit possessed, had killed him.

Fili needed a few seconds to process the sight, but when he did and the roaring emotions inside him calmed down he got aware of the state of his body. Of the pain throbbing through his spine, neck and limbs. Of sweat drenching his clothes and of his heart beating so fast every inhaled breath ached inside his chest. He feared to lose consciousness under the heat engulfing him and found himself tearing frantically at his scarf and hood too cool off and dispel the feeling of suffocating any second. It helped a little.

It was Dwalin, who had shot the deadly arrow, busy with pulling Kili to his feet, who grimaced slightly.

“Where was your knife, lad?” Dwalin scolded the brunet immediately. “If he gets close enough to injure you like this you should have killed him with your knife!”

Fili assumed he was either going to receive a scolding as well or was enjoying the privilege of fools, since this had only been his second mission.

“I must have forgotten to take it with me,” Kili mumbled.

Dwalin looked at his comrade as if he’d told him he was in love with Sauron.

“Forgotten? You know better than that!” The disappointment in their commander’s voice made Fili flinch at the hurt expression creeping to Kili’s features.

Dwalin was right, nonetheless. Kili was part of this unit for years, he must’ve known their equipment by heart. There was no way he could just forget it like that, unless Kili had done it on purpose. Why should he, though? It wasn’t like there was any reason to-

And with a cold wave of horror Fili realised that, indeed, there was a reason. _He_ was the reason. His reaction weeks ago in the tunnels. To ensure Fili felt comfortable in his presence Kili had forwent his own safety.

“Sorry,” Kili apologised.

The blond swallowed hard while watching Dwalin shake his head, leaving it at that for now. There was more that needed to be done and so Fili tried to silence the astonishment inside him. It was hard to get his head around as to how much Kili must love him to do all of this for him. It pervaded him with warmth, but also with guilt, for it was going to take some time until his developing feelings could match Kili’s. For the first time he wished loving someone would just come with the will to do so. But of course it wasn’t that easy.

They both followed Dwalin around the vehicle where the fight had ended as well. Their unit had been victorious and as far as Fili noticed they hadn’t lost anyone. If someone beside them had gotten hurt was hard to tell in the darkness, though.

“Okay,” Dwalin sighed. “Let’s get the DNA of these CAI.”

As the others started to work Fili stood awkwardly between them and the bodies, unable to tell what his task was at the moment.

“We are taking their DNA to find out who they are and who was replaced,” Lindir, crouching beside him, must’ve felt Fili’s gaze on him, for he looked up and explained to him what they were doing at the moment.

In the distance the blond heard a soft rumbling following his mate’s words, probably the other unit causing chaos in the city. Lindir’s words made sense, this was probably an important information for Gandalf up here. Still, Fili could feel an uneasy feeling seep into his stomach at the thought of taking a specimen of skin and hair. Lindir seemed to notice it, too.

“Why don’t you go over to Kili? He doesn’t like this part either.”

Only then did Fili realise that the brunet was standing far away from the group, looking like his gaze was resting on the crematorium in the distance.

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili learns something about Kili...

 

 

Kili had folded his arms in front of his chest, glancing at the building in the distance. It was no more than a black shadow in a series of shadows. Fili had only once been there, during the ceremony for Kili’s mother, since when the brunet’s father had died no one was there to arrange the cremation and therefore the city took care of it without informing anyone, who would like to say goodbye.

Coming to a halt beside his friend he shot a brief glance at the crematorium, before fixing his gaze on Kili. With the light of the fire at their back he couldn’t detect anything on his features, but it was more pleasant to look at a face in the dark instead of a building in the distance and vastness stretching in front of them. Fili had grown up in the city and never seen anything but streets and buildings. The vastness scared him, felt too open and exposed, with no place to hide he felt small and helpless. Though, when Kili suddenly shuddered, the blond couldn’t say if it was because he was focussing on his friend so intently or if something else was the matter. After all, it wasn’t particularly cold and there was no wind blowing to indicate it was just a shiver.

“I once saw him on the streets,” the brunet suddenly began to speak, voice sounding choked, as if he barely managed to manoeuvre it around a lump in his throat. “He was on his way home from work and looked so exhausted.”

Fili’s eyes widened in shock, realising Kili was actually telling him about something that had happened during the last seven years. He didn’t even dare to swallow or breath too loud, fearing he might startle his friend and prevent him from going on. So he just stared, willing his awfully loud heart to slow down.

“He was so close. All I would've needed to do was call to him. And I nearly did, but then I remembered where I was and what I needed to do. I was so blind at that time,” he sniffed miserably and all Fili wanted to do was to pull his friend into a tight embrace and offer him the comfort he needed. But he was also terribly curious and therefore forced his body to remain still while his fingers twitched with worry. “A week later I heard of his death.”

Fili felt awful for accusing Kili of abandoning his family. In a way he might have done so, but the blond’s words had implicated it was because his friend hadn’t loved them enough, when in truth Kili perhaps loved a bit too much. It must’ve been the wish for a better life for his parents, while protecting them at the same time, if Kili had been honest with him weeks ago about people looking for him and keeping him from returning home. It wasn’t such an far-fetched thought, Kili had always dreamed of a better life and with the knowledge Fili had gained so far it seemed like the most reasonable intention for the brunet to stay away from them and dedicating himself to the movement.

“When I first heard that my mum died I couldn’t comprehend it. I felt too numb at the time and it was kind of surreal,” Kili continued, enfolding his arms in favour to wipe the tears away, running down his cheeks. “As if she wasn’t really gone and she would wait for me when it was finally safe to visit them. But then came the news about my father and… and I understood that it was my fault,” Kili almost choked on the confession. “That I killed them.”

Information be damned! The shock surging through his body and the broken intonation in his friend’s voice dispelled his curiosity completely. He didn’t need to know anything about the past years if it meant Kili was torturing himself like that. Taking a step forward he blocked the brunet’s view of the crematorium and gripped him tight by the upper arms to prevent him from walking around him and shooting another glance at the building, which mere sight was poisoning his thoughts.

“Now stop that!” Fili told him sternly. “It wasn’t your fault!”

Yanking himself free Fili was startled by the violent reaction of his friend. So far Kili had welcomed his touch, had even seemed to yearn for it. And the rejection stung, Fili had to admit that, despite his own worries about commitment, should he call the brunet his boyfriend, he couldn’t help but feel hurt. Perhaps the other would’ve accepted his comfort had he not acted so withdrawn, if he’d grasped the nettle himself instead of leaving everything to Kili. Although it wouldn’t have been fair to lie to Kili either, giving him what he wanted without returning the feelings he longed for was wrong on so many levels Fili didn’t want to blame himself for this decision, for it was the right one. However, he couldn’t ignore the feeling of loss at the sudden gap between them either. Especially not now, when he’d finally realised he was falling in love with Kili.

“Of course it was my fault,” the brunet hissed frantically. “If I hadn’t left… if I had stayed at home… both of them would still be alive. I have killed my parents.”

A deafening silence seemed to follow Kili’s words, drowning out all the sounds around them. A sob freed itself from his friend’s throat as it stretched on for far too long and Fili’s hesitation to utter a denying reply was deemed as an affirmation. Fili felt sick, knowing he’d subconsciously thought the same for a long time what he’d just tried to declare toxic reasoning. But it wasn’t right. Kili’s loss had left such a painful wound in his heart the thought had emerged inside him all by himself. And now Kili was sobbing and bending with grief.

Pulling his best friend close he ignored his ineffectual attempts to be pushed away, instead he forced him to bed his head at his shoulder, tears soaking the fabric of his clothes and stuttering noises of agony close at his ear.

“You didn’t kill them,” Fili murmured as soothingly as his own breathy voice allowed. “You know how dangerous the city is. There could’ve happened something anytime and just because it occurred during a time you weren’t there doesn’t mean you are responsible.”

The tremors shaking Kili’s body seemed to even set his into motion.

“You and Thorin and all the others have tried to achieve something. You always wanted a better life for all of us. Your parents would be so proud of you for following your beliefs.”

But although Kili had stopped struggling against his embrace a while ago, his arms didn’t come up around him and hung only uselessly at his sides as he cried, as if it wasn’t his comfort he wanted. It hurt. He wanted to give his friend what he needed, but it seemed he didn’t even know what that was and the brunet noticed this fact as well. Fili endured it, seeing as it was the least he could do right now.

Kili was barely given enough time to compose himself, when not much later Dwalin stated it was high time to leave. Fili was certain it wouldn’t change anything, but he still gave Kili a brief kiss to the lips, hoping to show his new found willingness to be a more active part in their relationship from now on through it. His friend didn’t return it, though. Fili understood then to back down and kept his distance.

In the meantime the unit had burned the bodies, placing all of them in the destroyed vehicle and setting it on fire on the inside as well, probably to make it appear like an accident. Although Fili didn’t know how believable such a scenario was, considering the traces of fighting on the ground, but he supposed this wasn’t going to be enough to catch them.

It was a long march back to their transport capsule and they covered it in silence. Only when they had reached the safety of the vehicle did the unit start to joke again, except for Kili and him. The brunet had chosen a seat away from him and Fili tried to ignore the stabbing sensation hitting his chest. Luckily no one had gotten really hurt. He assumed his best friend was battered in bruises and he would fare no better, considering his stiff and sore body, but apart from this there seemed to be only incised wounds, strains, contusion and sprains, nothing life-threatening.

On the whole way back Fili couldn’t help but glance at his friend through the curtain of his long blond hair. Kili looked utterly exhausted and the expression on his face made him shudder inwardly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The days following their successful mission Kili didn’t come to him again at night and wouldn’t even keep him company during the meals. It showed Fili quite plainly that his friend might love him and he’d started to fall for him as well. But it also told him that seven years of separation couldn’t be rebuild within a few weeks of sharing kisses. They were as much strangers as friends and lacking the easy sense of intimacy Bard and Tauriel shared – whose wedding was approaching.

The new state of their relationship worried Fili dearly. Just when he found himself ready Kili withdrew. Dis told him to give it time and that Kili would come to him when he’d come to terms with whatever bothered him. Fili trusted her, she was way more experienced with such things than him after all, but it still pained him to watch his friend from afar, knowing _he_ wasn’t the right person to help him.

It got only worse when Fili learned his friend was spending most of his time in Thorin’s company. He’d stopped wondering what this strange thing was between them after Kili had spent the first night in his living cabin. Now, however, he felt the old surge of jealousy fill him once more. He couldn’t help but wonder about their relationship. The brunet had seemed awfully experienced during their nights together, always finding the right spots to drive him wild. Could it be possible he’d been in a relationship before? Just because Kili loved him for years already didn’t simultaneously mean he wasn’t allowed to lie with another man. He knew he had no right to be jealous at the thought, but knowledge alone wasn’t able to turn this feelings off.

Or perhaps they were both just completely clueless and it was merely the surprise of another body caressing them that brought them pleasure.

Not even Legolas’ reassuring words were able to draw Fili from his foul mood, even though the other blond promised there was nothing more than a father-son-relationship between Thorin and Kili. He trusted Legolas’ word and he also trusted Kili, who he didn’t trust, however, was Thorin. He could already imagine him, talking the brunet into leaving him completely.

A cold shiver ran down his back when another terrible thought crossed his mind. Maybe this was already the case. Maybe Kili had left him without a word, assuming Fili would get the message when they weren’t talking anymore…

He shook his head violently. No! He had to trust Kili. A relationship wouldn’t work without it, but it was so hard to keep the feeble trust they had managed to rebuild during the last weeks, when his friend simply ignored him.

 _Let Kili come to you when he is ready_ , his mother had said, after listening to his concerns. _Be patient._

But it was so hard to be patient without Kili’s smile.

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a wedding takes place...

 

 

Fili didn’t know what surprised him more, Tauriel’s and Bard’s wedding taking place today or going nearly two weeks without hearing Kili’s voice, although he assumed he was already experienced with the latter after seven years of separation. Still, he couldn’t say how long he would be able to stand Kili’s silence and was at the point of just cornering him until his friend told him what was wrong. But he’d decided to wait at least until after the wedding, fearing to cause a scene that might ruin the fun for some of the others.

He still couldn’t quite get his head around how fast they had prepared everything for this day. Of course there wasn’t a long line of other people that wanted to get married and even Thorin couldn’t deny that such festivities helped to boost the moral, in his opinion it was pretty astounding nonetheless. The schedules of everyone here had been adjusted to this evening after all, to ensure everyone could be present if they wanted and so far Fili hadn’t heard of any cancellation. They seemed all quite eager for a frolicsome party tonight. Especially since it wasn’t going to be one of those depressing kinds of wedding the lower class in the city was obliged to, since they couldn’t afford more than this.

Today it wasn’t a wedding for a piece of paper, but about two people who wanted to celebrate being in love and telling all of them they wanted their love to last for the rest of their lives. It was a soothing thought, even though it reminded him painfully at the state of his own relationship, of which he couldn’t even say if it was still a relationship... Yeah, he definitely needed to talk to Kili after tonight.

This was taken off his shoulders, however, when there was a knock at his door just when he was getting dressed to join Ori for breakfast. His eyes widened perplexed as he opened the door and spotted no other than Kili, looking guilty and nervously tying his fingers into knots to the point it seemed painful. Biting his bottom lip the brunet glanced hesitantly back and force between the hallway and Fili.

“Hey,” he mumbled at last, looking Fili in the face but avoiding to make eye contact. “Can we… talk?”

Fili was too shocked at first to answer, trying to realise that all the waiting seemed to have worked and Kili was here because he wanted to talk… damn it… his mum was a genius! Only when Kili began to shuffle awkwardly with his feet did Fili come to the conclusion that his silence might be uncomfortable. If it was, though, it served Kili right to get a dose of his own medicine. But in the end Fili wanted to fix what was wrong between them and therefore stepped aside to allow Kili to enter the cabin.

For a few heartbeats the brunet seemed relieved, before the nervousness returned to his features. Taking a deep breath his friend shook his head slightly and began to talk:

“I want to apologise for my behaviour. I…,” he paused, struggling for words. “I just know how I can get sometimes and… I… I wouldn’t have been a good company and… and I didn’t want to hurt you even more than I already have,” his friend confessed, every word sounding like it faced more and more trouble to find the strength to tumble form his lips.

Fili sighed. In a way he understood, after Kili’s disappearance he had been in a worrisome mood as well and had thrown more than one unfair sentence at his mother, but she had still been there for him and helped him through this difficult time.

“It’s okay, Kili. I get that, but,” the brunet literally flinched at the last word, “if we want this between us to work, then we have to learn to trust each other.”

“I trust you,” his friend croaked and the fear in his eyes nearly broke his heart. However, he had to voice what was wandering through his head or otherwise they would land in this situation all over again. The trembling taking over Kili’s body was impossible to miss by an observant eye and Fili had to resist the urge to go over to him and pull him into his arms, wanting nothing more than seeing the smile he adored so much claiming the brunet’s lips again.

“No, not with everything,” Fili objected.

“I…” Whatever Kili wanted to reply it never made its way past his lips and Fili’s resistance broke at the helpless expression.

Stepping over to his friend he reached for his hands and squeezed them gently.

“I don’t try to force you into telling me what happened. I know you aren’t ready and I don’t mind waiting. But I need you to let me help you, when you feel bad. This whole boyfriend thing only works if we talk to each other.”

A gaze filled with wonder, dispelling the fear, met Fili’s, who gifted the other a reassuring smile, confirming the sincerity of his words. He was ready for this step now, but only if Kili was ready for it as well and someone, who sought comfort by somebody else than the man he loved, couldn’t have reached that point. Kili’s following words were going to be the turning point. Friends or boyfriends.

“I promise I won’t push you away again,” Kili assured him with a smile.

And while Fili didn’t even know rudimentarily what had happened during the last seven years he was familiar with Kili’s smiles and could read them like an open book. Cheeky, happy, sheepish, mischievous, sad, nervous, mockingly, strained, affectionate… they could come clothed in so many different garments, but Fili was able to distinguish them all. The current one was hopeful, accompanied by a spark of honesty. It was enough.

Perhaps he was too forgiving, but after he hadn’t been that honest with Kili as well, always excusing it with telling himself the other hadn’t asked, Fili guessed he could just forget about it and call them even.

“So..., we can go and have breakfast together again?” Kili asked carefully, sensing Fili wouldn’t be aversed to it.

Now it was on him to smile. “I would like that,” he nodded.

They shared a kiss and afterwards left Fili’s cabin hand in hand. At first it was hard to find back into their former familiarity. They were acting stiff around each other and talking felt strange, but the longer they tried to regain it the more they succeeded and by the time breakfast had ended Fili enjoyed the sound of Kili’s laughter again, drowned in his warm smiles and bathed in his presence, feeling like he’d reached a very important goal during their conversation. This time they would make it work.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

On the evening the wedding took place in the dining hall. The tables had been moved to the sides to give the couple and the guests a place to stand to watch the ceremony. The hall hadn’t been decorated, but that didn’t really matter, since everyone was looking at Bard and Tauriel. It was the kind old Balin who held the ceremony, delivering a beautiful speech about the nature of love and the groom and his bride. It was completely silent while he spoke and the quietness of so many people felt even more awe-inspiring when Bard and Tauriel exchanged vows they had written themselves. The strange spell was only broken at their kiss, making the crowd erupt in loud cheers.

The next hours went by in a blur, there was food and a cake Bombur and Dis had prepared, which wasn’t any less delicious than what they usually cooked, despite its simplicity. People toasted to the newly wedded couple and laughed, ate and congratulated and just seemed genuinely happy. But when Fili thought this was it, he was surprised by Bofur, Bombur, Bifur and Gimli taking up position at one end of the hall, opening the black cases there and bringing instruments to light. Fili barely trusted his eyes as he spotted a guitar, an accordion, a clarinet and a trumpet.

Not much later music filled the hall, encouraging people to dance or bobbing up and down in the cadence of the songs. They were merry, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but not one of them melancholy. Although the joyous atmosphere was still traversed by a gloomy flavour, at least for Fili, for as great as it was to see people celebrating, dancing, laughing... it was awful to think happiness could only exist in a hidden place for people like them. A wedding like this, not fearing for their lives anymore was unthinkable in the city.

Arms sneaked around his waist, pulling him from his depressing thoughts at the sudden touch, before a chin was placed on his shoulder. Kili, who else? Fili couldn’t help but smile. Just his soothing presence and the warmth he radiated allowed the worry to drain from his tense posture and melt into his friend’s… boyfriend’s arms.

“These two are just disgusting,” Kili huffed and Fili tilted his head slightly to figure out where the other was looking.

A huge grin wandered to his features as he spotted Tauriel and Bard in the dancing crowed, unlike the others they were merely swaying to the music, kissing and completely lost in their own little world.

“Well, Ori says we aren’t any less disgusting,” Fili told him amused. The sudden brush of lips kissing the side of his neck making his whole body tingle.

Kili hummed. “I like being disgusting with you.”

Fili snorted but couldn’t object, for indeed, he liked kissing the brunet probably just as much, let alone the other things they had already tried in the bedroom. During their enforced silence he had been given quite enough time to think and more than once his mind had wandered over their talk about sex. After giving it a bit more thought Fili had to admit that the prospect of being so close to Kili wasn’t unappealing. But he still wasn’t sure how he felt about certain aspects and therefore knew that he wasn’t going to be the receiving part in this anytime soon. However, the brunet had said he would bottom if the other way round bothered Fili. He definitely didn’t feel scared anymore or like he wasn’t ready. Missing Kili over the last days with a force he hadn’t thought possible – which included not only his companionship but also his touches and kisses – had shown him quite clearly the undeniable desire looming within him.

“Come on, let’s dance!” Kili exclaimed suddenly and startled Fili with it. The arms around his waist loosened and instead a hand reached for his and pulled him towards the dancing crowd.

“Kili,” he protested.

But it was already too late, since the brunet was already pulling him along and laughing softly at Fili’s stiff movements. What was he supposed to do, though? He’d never danced before. Were there any rules? Damn… he had to look like an idiot among all the others.

Kili sensed his concerns, for hands were placed at his hip, followed by a soft question: “Okay?”

Fili nodded. He liked the solid pressure Kili exerted on his body, just that it didn’t stay like this. Instead his boyfriend increased the pressure, trying to get the stiffness out of him and moving his legs, which seemed rooted to the spot. A relenting laugh escaped his lips, once the brunet realised it wasn’t working.

“Don’t just stand there, move!” He urged him kindly.

“I have never danced before,” Fili reminded him. “I will do it all wrong.”

“No, you won’t. This isn’t about right or wrong, this is about having fun. Let’s have fun, alright?”

As if to underline his words Kili pulled him along, causing Fili to stumble. But Kili wasn’t giving up, sliding so close against him, in an attempt to guide him with his body, the blond could feel his heartbeat hastening, in no way connected to the activity on the makeshift dancefloor. With flushed cheeks he allowed Kili to lead, feeling the tension drain from his body the longer they moved together.

Kili’s eyes were sparkling by the time Fili felt confident enough to follow his boyfriend’s movements on his own, enjoying the little distance developing between them and allowing him more room to dance in the rhythm of the music, but at the same time Fili longed to feel the solid pressure of Kili’s chest against his once more. But the feeling was bearable, seeing as Kili was smiling brightly at him and his own heart seemed ready to burst with joy any moment.

 

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili and Kili enjoy some quality time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh... I think I will never get used to writing smut.

 

 

It was astonishing how much fun dancing could be, Fili hadn’t thought it possible, but at one point he found himself caught in a wave of euphoria, not caring anymore if his movements looked weird or wrong or unexperienced, for with time Kili was the only one he saw. His smile, his laughter, the way he closed his eyes and pressed closer, almost grinding against him. No one around them said a word, didn’t even seem irritated by the wild kissing when they couldn’t contain their desire anymore at a certain point, evoked by their closeness and the heat of the dance. They weren’t judged, but accepted just the way they were, while up there everything out of the ordinary was dangerous and often shattered. In the city everything was about control, here, however, Fili was allowed to let go and this was what he did. Losing himself in kisses and surrendering to instincts.

Only when Kili groaned somewhere deep in his throat and began pulling him out of the hall Fili was able to draw breath that wasn’t clouded by lust, he came down from his dazed state, although there was no eagerness to let go of their closeness just yet. Not when his cock had begun to stir with interest.

Once out of the room it was the first time he took the initiative, pushing Kili against the wall of an empty hallway and attacking his mouth mercilessly. It had so often been the other way round, he’d never noticed how wonderful the sounds escaping the brunet’s lips were. The sudden surge of want washing over him was so intense he felt briefly overwhelmed. There was too much fabric covering Kili’s body, too less skin he could caress with his hands.

One of his boyfriend’s hands was clutching at the collar of his shirt, while the other rested at the small of his back, trying to pull him closer and slotting them together.

“Missed this,” Kili panted against his lips.

Fili assumed he talked about snogging, since it was the first time he even guided one of his hands under Kili’s shirt. Still, he had to agree. God… the things his boyfriend did to him as soon as Fili allowed himself to let his controlled mask fall...

“I want you so bad,” Kili moaned softly, his words confirmed by the erection straining his clothes.

Pulling back slightly Fili inhaled deeply in an attempt to compose himself, although Kili’s swollen lips looked far too tempting for a break. But since he didn’t plan for it to stretch longer than necessary he silently encouraged himself to go on.

“I thought about what you said about sex… about the way for both of us to enjoy it.”

“And?” Kili asked immediately.

“I want to try, just tell me what I have to do.”

“Truly?” His boyfriend pressed, as if to ensure Fili wasn’t just saying this for his sake.

“Yeah,” Fili reassured him, leaning in again with the intention of sucking marks into the skin on the side of Kili’s neck. The brunet breathed a soft sigh of pleasure.

Fili couldn’t say if he even manged to finish one before Kili was already pushing him away, gently but forcefully. Intertwining their fingers the other pulled him along towards the living cabins, giggling with excitement. They stopped at Kili’s, making Fili wonder for a few heartbeats why they didn’t just stay at his rooms, his interest in an answer evaporated fast, though, with the smile plastering the brunet’s lips when he returned with a bottle of lube and the hardness in Fili’s pants was very good in convincing him that there were far more important things in the near future than an answer to this possible question.

They continued where they had stopped as soon as they reached Fili’s cabin. Stumbling towards the bed in their attempt to keep kissing and their bodies pressed together. Kili’s skilful fingers had already began to work at the buttons of Fili’s shirt, while he could barely get his hands to fumble with the brunet’s pants, too unused to concentrate on anything but Kili’s tongue caressing his right now, but he thought he could be forgiven. This was the first time he was doing any of that kind, after all.

Just when he was topless and finally got a good grip of Kili’s shirt the other suddenly stopped him, breaking their kiss and panting hot gusts of breath against the side of his neck.

“Can we turn the lights off?”, the brunet asked, voice sounding slightly hoarse.

Fili frowned.

“But I want to see you.”

“We can dim it,” Kili suggested. “Please. Just this once.”

And since Kili truly seemed to need it, Fili nodded. Wondering why his boyfriend asked for the cover of darkness, but hoped he was going to tell him sooner or later. Right now he allowed Kili to play with the dimmer until the brunet only looked like a black shade in the dimmed room.  He watched the other sit down on the bed and take his shirt off, before a hand reached for his and pulled him close against a warm body.

Being offered exposed skin for the first time Fili enjoyed how soft brushes of touches were able to make Kili shudder. He felt his way over soft skin, chest hair and hard nipples, exploring what touches caused the other’s breath to hitch and draw a soft moan from his lips. Hearing him make such noises encouraged him to go further. Just knowing he was the cause of such sounds contained something utterly erotic and helped him to understand why Kili loved pleasuring him so much. This was what he wanted, Kili moaning his name, his breath becoming erratic and his body shaking from his touch.

Kissing his way down Kili’s chest to his navel Fili hands slowly undid the brunet's trousers and pulled them off. It didn’t take long for the both of them to be naked. Fili hesitated for a few heartbeats before one of his hands wrapped around Kili’s cock, stroking carefully and savouring the moans coming from his boyfriend’s throat. However, he stopped again after a little while, unsure how much it would take to make Kili come, instead he caught his lips in another kiss.

“Tell me what I need to do,” Fili demanded to know.

“You… uh…” Kili shuddered. “You need to prepare me. Stretch me. F-first one finger… then two… and so on. J-just make sure you coat e-everything with lube,” he stuttered and Fili assumed it would’ve been better had they talked about this before all of this. It couldn’t be helped now and he guessed they would manage, as long as they just kept talking.

“Tell me if it feels weird,” Fili urged him as he opened the bottle.

“Will do so,” the brunet replied, humming.

Making sure not to skimp on the lube Fili coated his fingers and began his search for Kili’s entrance in the dim light of the room. His boyfriend spread his legs, providing better access and only a few heartbeats later he pushed his pointer inside, instantly greeted by warmth and a faltering breath.

“You okay?” Fili wanted to know nervously, but it seemed he didn’t need to worry, seeing as the other merely sighed in agreement.

Adjusting his position slowly, without disturbing where he was disappearing in Kili’s body, he shoved an arm under his boyfriend’s nape of neck and pulled him into a kiss. The brunet understood immediately, wrapping his arms around him to ease the angle of their position, while Fili stroked soft inner walls and gently tried to loosen the ring of muscles.

“Another,” Kili breathed against his lips after a while, trembling in Fili’s arm.

And Fili obeyed, scissoring his finger inside carefully and soon inserting a third. Kili arched his back, moaning Fili’s name from time to time, his kisses turning clumsier with every additional digit, as if his mind couldn’t decide what to concentrate on.

His heart was pounding like crazy with nerves when Kili was finally loose enough. Cautiously guiding the brunet’s head back onto the mattress Fili reached for the lube again, hissing slightly at the temperature once it hit his cock. It wasn’t particularly cold, but not warm either and the sudden difference hit his throbbing erection off-guard.

“Tell me if it hurts,” he urged Kili once more.

“I’ll,” his boyfriend slurred, trembling with pleasure and yearning for relief.

Fili took a deep breath, dispelling the sudden fear of ruining what had gone so well so far and very slowly pushed inside, not experienced enough to know which pace Kili would enjoy and what could be too much. Once sunken inside, however, Fili went completely still, trying to adjust to the tight heat grasping around his cock. Since Kili wasn’t asking him to move he assumed him to be busy with similar troubles.

He decided on roaming his hands over the brunet’s upper body in the meantime, feeling a strong heartbeat under his fingertips then and again. At last Kili’s leg came suddenly up around him, as if to take him even deeper. For Fili it acted as an indicator to start moving.

His thrusts were clumsy and aimed at a weird angle, but it still created a delicious friction at his cock and Kili began to pant heavily, his fingers digging into Fili’s skin in their search for something to hold on to. And the longer Fili moved, the more he found his rhythm, with every other thrust hitting something that made Kili scream his name. The sound of his voice spurred Fili to quicken the pace.

“Yes… yes… right there… nghh… Fili… ha…,” Kili babbled, praising him and seeming barely coherent at the same time.

Fili grunted, the pleasure boiling inside him and setting his nerves on fire. Kili’s deep voice, the tight, slick heat clinging to his cock, the warm body, Kili’s smell… it all drove him wild. Carried his wits away and pushed him into a wave of heat and lust, drowning him in the sheer intensity of sensations and forcing him to eject a cry of release as his orgasm finally hit him.

The haze of lust evaporated, bringing him back to reality.

The grip of Kili’s legs had loosed, but his arms still embraced him as he breathed just as heavily as Fili, allowing the blond to realise that the other had come as well and was trembling with aftershocks. Fearing it might become uncomfortable for his boyfriend soon if he stayed longer inside him, although he had gone soft already, he carefully pulled out and leaned down to kiss Kili’s lips tenderly.

“You okay?” Fili asked him quietly.

A barely noticeable nod was his answers, followed by words of an amused but equally debauched voice: “Definitely have to do this again.”

Fili chuckled softly. He wouldn’t argue against it, couldn’t even believe he hadn’t wanted to try this in the first place. Kili seemed sated and happy and despite the tiredness Fili couldn’t claim to feel any different. This pleasure… this intimacy between them… it had felt amazing and he never wanted to go without it again, never wanted to go without Kili, whose fingers gently stroked the spots were he’d dug into his skin during their coupling.

They probably should get up. One of Fili’s hands was still sticky with lube and had left trails on Kili’s body, let alone where the brunet had spilled onto his stomach. This would be immensely uncomfortable to wake up to on the next day. Too tired to get up right now, however, Fili just fished for his shirt to clean them both up, cringing at the thought of the poor laundry team, but Fili supposed he could wash the worst out in the sink tomorrow.  

Kili hummed contentedly as he snuggled up to him, as clean as was possible at the moment. Fili welcomed the arms and the head coming to rest on his shoulder while he pulled the blanket over them. His lids felt heavy and falling asleep was only a matter of minutes.

“I love you,” was the last he heard before dozing off.

 

 


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili learns something about Kili...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the moment I'm considering to put this story on hiatus. I have 40 chapters written and am actually nearing the finale of the story, but my motivation to write this story is waning for weeks now. I'm not feeling well and at the moment I really only want to stop posting, finish the story and start something new, so when I start uploading chapters here again I won't care so much anymore if anyone reads it or not. I'm just feeling anxious at the moment, because this and the next chapter were two I was really looking forward to posting, but I don't now, I'm dreading every update, because it feels like it hardly gets noticed and feeling proud of something, but feeling like it doesn't matter isn't good for me at the moment. My mind is simply not my best friend at the moment.
> 
> And should someone read this and feel the need to reassure me, please don't. I don't want kudos, comments, messages or whatever, because I wrote a whiny note, but rather because I wrote something that could be enjoyed and if I don't manage that, then this is nobody's fault but my own. I just wanted to inform you, in case this consideration becomes a decision, so you will know why there might be no updates in the future. But whatever will happen, I will finish the story, there is only the possibility that I need to take a break from uploading it here.

 

 

His mind awoke to cosy warmth cocooning him, though he couldn’t figure out at first why he’d woken up. Fili still felt tired enough to sleep for some more hours, he lay in a very comfortable position and it was neither too warm nor to cold under the blanket. He was already on the brink of diving under the cloud of sleep once more, when a soft whimper reached his ears.

Fili frowned, too drowsy to connect the sound to its source, after a few seconds of blinking against the darkness of the room the last night crept back into his memory. Propping himself up onto his elbows he cast a glance to the dark shape, still lying beside him, but not in the same spot they had left off hours ago. He must’ve turned, was now lying on his back and his laboured breathing worried Fili.

“Kili?” He whispered softly, earning only another whimper as an answer.

With a sudden sense of dread he realised his boyfriend was caught in the terrors of a nightmare. Leaning over the bedside Fili fumbled with the light, the still dimmed room shining brightly not much later. Fili covered his eyes with an arm, slowly adjusting to the new lighting conditions, which sadly hadn’t helped to wrest Kili from the hold of his dream. As soon as Fili wasn’t blinded anymore he sat up, leaning over the brunet and ready to shake him awake, when his gaze wandered to one of Kili’s hands.

The blanket had shifted and was barely covering Kili’s lap, allowing the blond a good glance at were his boyfriend’s fingers were digging into the skin of his belly. Fili felt ice-cold and frozen with shock as he regarded the long scar, painfully obvious in the brightly lit room. And if this wouldn’t have been enough for his head to comprehend what he was seeing, the stretch marks were telling him more than he wanted to know. It suddenly made all sense… why Kili had wanted the room to be dark, why he wasn’t viewing the CAI as anything human-like…, why he didn’t want to be around when the DNA was taken…, why Kili cut without explaining, abandoning his mates in the process to get Fili to safety.

The nausea slammed its cruel fist into his stomach, almost toppling him over with the need to heave, to throw up every little piece of food he’d eaten. This was cruel… this was sick… Kili couldn’t… he couldn’t… but he had… they had injected… they… he wasn’t even able to think it. He wanted to bolt out of the room, get his breathing back under control and dispel the trembling from his body, but Kili was still digging his fingers into his skin, as if to rip his own belly open and the hurt and broken sounds leaving his lips rooted the blond to the bed. If he was scared and shocked and completely at loss what to do, how did Kili have to feel? How was he even living with that knowledge? He had asked Kili to allow him to help… what should become of them if he now fled, at the first sight of trouble?

This was still Kili. His wonderful Kili. And he was suffering.

“No,” the brunet cried softly.

Gripping him gently by the shoulders Fili shook the other man, murmuring soothing words to him. “Kili? Wake up, Kili. You are dreaming. It’s okay, I’m here with you. No one is going to hurt you. You are safe. Please, wake up.”

And thankfully Kili did. With a sharp inhale of breath and a terrified sound he bolted upright – Fili was barely able to dodge and prevent their foreheads from painfully banging together. Kili’s chest was heaving with panicked breathes, his eyes wandered through the room, probably searching for the shadows of his nightmare. But there was nothing despite an empty room and a shaky feeling Fili.

“You had a nightmare,” Fili said, unsure how to approach this kind of situation.

Kili’s head snapped into his direction, watching him with wide eyes, before he blinked and seemed to realise where he was and that he was wearing, just as much as Fili right now – nothing. His hands shot to the blanket, trying to pull them to his chest in an obvious attempt to hide the evidence on his skin.

“No!” Fili blurted out, reaching for Kili’s wrists and pushing them down before the brunet was able to put his plan into action. Kili was still staring at him with those wide fearful eyes, shaking from head to toe. “I’ve already seen,” Fili added softly.

With a jerk Kili broke eye contact, looking at the floor instead, his breathing changed from frantic to erratic, rattling him with silent sobs. Fili’s heart broke at the sight. Who knew how long Kili was already fighting with these awful memories, how long nightmares hunted his sleep. It truly surprised him, he’d still managed to be the happy, carefree Kili Fili had known all his life. But just now was he faced with how broken his boyfriend truly was and it hurt like a physical wound, as if a part of his body had been amputated, the part where normally the knowledge was located that there was nothing capable of destroying, who Fili had loved like a brother since he could think.

He wound his arms around Kili’s trembling form just when the brunet covered his face with his hands, trying to keep the tears at bay. Soothing him softly he let him weep as long as he needed, offering his embrace as a support the whole time. It took time, but eventually Kili managed to calm down and Fili made good of the opportunity right away, fearing the brunet might withdraw.

“Please, talk to me.”

Kili shook his head in desperation.

“Please, Kili,” he urged him, nearly begging. “You said you wouldn’t push me away again. You said you would allow me to help you. I can’t help you unless you talk to me.”

“You can’t help me,” Kili croaked.

“I can’t change the past, that’s right. But I can be here for you. Tell me what I’m dealing with!”

The way this conversation had started and ended Fili wasn’t very hopeful and when Kili remained silent afterwards he was certain for his assumption to be confirmed. But then the brunet inhaled a shuddering breath.

“I went to that party. I didn’t want to admit you were right. I assumed I wouldn’t get in without you. I wasn’t of age… I knew people under eighteen wouldn’t get in, but… I was wrong. I came to that building and no one cared about my age. I was so nervous and excited, got into a conversation with some really cool people. I really thought meeting these guys would give me the opportunity to change something.” He swallowed hard. “But I was wrong. An hour in and the building was suddenly stormed. At first I thought it was the police, when they tied us up and shoved us into that capsule. I was so fucking scared, but kind of hoped my parents… and you… would find a way to bail me out. I thought being a minor had to be good for something… it wasn’t good for anything.”

Kili took a few deep breaths, this wasn’t able to dispel the trembles, though.

“It wasn’t the police. It was Sauron’s men. Thorin told me some time later we were the first to test these new kinds of CAIs. Who would be more fitting than some people with a rebellious attitude… they probably thought they were doing the government a favour with taking us. There probably was a spy, who sold us out.”

“You had just turned sixteen,” Fili gasped out. God… he’d never known how much Kili had suffered. Being injected with a CAI was always a cruel image… but at this age? This was wrong on so many levels Fili was barely able to comprehend it.

“It hurt… it hurt so much… I… I think the physical aspect was easier on the woman… but… to feel that parasite grow and knowing it was going to replace you… I have never been so scared… I’m still so scared I will meet it one day... I don’t want to meet it…”

He squeezed Kili gently, immediately feeling him lean closer into his embrace, seeking all the comfort he offered.

“They wanted to give me some meds after the thing was born. Making me forget what happened. They would have implanted a detection chip and send me home to replace me later… probably because of my age.”

A violent shudder ran through the brunet’s body. Fili felt equally sick at the thought of Kili returning in such a state, only to be killed and replaced a few years later. Would he have noticed the difference? Fili wanted to believe that, but he had never talked to a CAI or if he did, he couldn’t be sure when. Perhaps he would’ve lived with this thing like nothing had changed, never learning what Sauron had done to his best friend.

Closing his lids Fili tried to breathe evenly, focussing on the warm body in his arms, thankful for having the real Kili here with him. He couldn’t catch a real break, though, for the brunet continued.

“Thorin got me out before anything of this could happen. Afterwards I was pretty messed up… I didn’t know how to cope with what happened. I blamed myself for going to that party… thought it was my fault this had happened to me. I nearly drowned in those feelings… if it wasn’t for Thorin, I wouldn’t be here anymore.”

It seemed like Fili actually owed Thorin in a way. He might be major prick, but he had saved Kili and this had to count for something.

“But since I escaped they were looking for me, of course. They couldn’t have their plans revealed. Thranduil informed us about Sauron’s sick plans of replacing humanity, after he had to drop out of Mordor Industries as well, for his own safety. That’s when they began to make plans about the movements, before that it was all a quixotic idea by Gandalf. But things happened and Thorin wanted revenge. I wasn’t ready to support them back then, just the thought of going back into the city terrified me. I was scared of everything.”

It was hard to believe that when he’d never met that Kili, but Fili deemed it an understandable reaction after what his boyfriend had been through.

“I needed Dwalin to train me… Thorin to encourage me… but what changed my mind in the end was when Óin taught me how I could cut a CAI out if I was injected again.”

“So, when they talked about this was only for emergencies they meant…,“ Fili thought out loud, seeing Kili nod.

“Yeah, when it’s me… but I couldn’t allow this to happen to you, too. I knew how it felt and I… I just couldn’t stand by and force you through this.”

“I’m glad you did it,” he replied, kissing him tenderly on the cheek.

“I thought a while about asking Thorin to get you and Dis to safety. But we were barely functioning and with time I realised how fragile we are here. Only one of us needs to get captured and we are all dead. If in the city or here, I thought the chances of survival were pretty even and since Sauron’s men were most likely keeping you two under surveillance in case I would dare to return, I thought it would be safer that way.”

“Hey,” Fili breathed softly. “You don’t need to justify. I understand why you did it. I probably would’ve done the same if I were you.”

At this Kili wiggled out of his arms, only to turn around and hug him back. Fili was relieved to finally see his face again and although his eyes were red and his cheeks puffy, he seemed less distressed than after awakening, which had to be a good thing.

“So, now tell me how you could believe I wouldn’t like you anymore?” He wanted to know, reminding them of their conversation while escaping Erebor. That day seemed ages ago.

Kili shrugged helplessly.

“I abandoned you. I didn’t even think of you or my parents for a very long time. I decided it was better to give up on getting you here.”

“Seems more like difficult decisions at difficult times to me. No reason here for me to dislike you.”

And he meant it. Kili had done what he thought was right, this was just the person he was. Fili might not agree with them or favour them, but despite mourning his best friend they hadn’t harmed him in any way. Besides, after what Kili had gone through, it was understandable some choices couldn’t be made that easily anymore. There was no right and no wrong. They had both suffered and there was no use in arguing whose life had been worse during the last seven years, for while Kili had been relatively save here, he had to live with his memories in return.

He was his Kili, strong and kind and everything Fili wanted, nothing else mattered.

“Thank you for telling me,” he whispered into Kili’s hair, holding him close, kissing him gently, telling him like that he didn’t care… that he didn’t love him any less.

And Kili just sagged against him, closing his lids and allowing Fili to comfort him.

 

 


	34. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter summary this time, because this is the flashback chapter. It is the last chapter I will post for a while, since I'm going to take a break from this fic. I really didn't want to guilt-trip anyone into writing me a comment with my notes, but it seems this was exactly what I did. I can't say yet, how long this break will be, but I hope I will feel recharged enough at the end of March to start uploading this story again.
> 
> Until then, take care!

 

 

Thorin was preparing breakfast for himself and Frerin when a quiet ringing announced a guest at the com system. Having visitors wasn't something out of the ordinary, especially in the business Thorin worked. There were many people interested in their work, hoping for news about their latest invention and how it was going to ease their lives even further. Minions of politicians, Thorin despised them all. They were only waiting for their moment to shine and an opportunity to escape the poverty. Thorin hated them and had no intention of talking to them. It was the achievements of _Morder Industries_  and no one, beside their company, was going to carry off the bays for their hard work.

This kept in mind Thorin frowned, usually these nuisances waited at least until noon before they began bothered him and his brother. His mood sank rapidly at the thought if dealing once more with one of those selfish bastards, spoiling his appetite. Not much later Frerin poked his head through the closed door of the kitchen, his dark hair still dishevelled from sleep, young eyes wide with surprise. The age difference between the brothers confused some people, most people weren't informed that the brothers might have the same father, but weren't born by the same woman.

Thorin had never met his mother. She had been one of few women in the rich society to die in childbirth and by the time his father married again Thorin was already twenty and had both feet on the ground, never giving it many thought that people mistook him and Frerin for father and son. With the death of their father and Frerin's mother in a robbery his little brother had come to live with him. Frerin was smart and a lot stronger than Thorin, whose rare smiles were now only reserved for his brother after the loss of the man who'd raised him.

"Thorin," Frerin said, his eyes roaming worriedly back and force between his big brother and the door to the kitchen. "It's senator Grey," he whispered fearfully. "He wants to talk to you."

He frowned, but regarded these strange circumstances calmly. This was probably another attempt to spy on the company. He sighed, those people would never learn.

"I will see what he wants. How about you eat while I'm showing him the way out? This won't take long."

His calm demeanour seemed to reassure Frerin, causing the lad to nod with a relieved expression. Stepping completely inside the kitchen he took a seat at the table and reached for a piece of toast. Thorin watched him with a gentle smile for a few heartbeats. He had no desire for kids himself, but couldn't imagine a life without Frerin. Yanking himself free from the image he headed towards the entrance area and indeed, standing there and waiting for him, clothed in a simple grey suit and leaning onto his cane, stood Gandalf the Grey.

"Good morning," the senator greeted him and shook his hand.

Thorin returned the handshake, but stayed otherwise silent. He wouldn't overexert himself with civilities when he was going to ask the other to leave after he named the reason for his visit anyway.

"Let's get straight to it, shall we?" The senator suggested with an amused smile, having obviously no trouble to read his expression. If it ensured Gandalf's good-bye, Thorin wouldn't argue against the unnerving calmness.

Folding his arms in front of his chest, to tell the other he wouldn't ask him to take a seat in a more fitting room than the entrance area, Thorin waited. If Gandalf was insulted by his unfriendliness he hid it well.

"The project you are working at, project ORC, has to be stopped."

Thorin's lids widened with shock.

"How do you-"

"You are one of Sauron's most competent technicians, you have programmed the artificial intelligence and can stop it easily."

With every following word Thorin felt more and more frightened. His work at project ORC was a secret and shouldn't be made public for a very long time to come. What unsettled him furthermore was Gandalf knowledge about his involvement in all of this. He could already see all his work destroyed, because someone hadn't managed to keep their mouth shut.

"You are an honourable man, Thorin. Please, stop this madness before it is going to annihilate all of us," his voice might sound like he was pleading, but his eyes remained unnervingly calm.

"Who told you?" He demanded to know.

"Who it was doesn’t matter. I have my informants, let's leave it at that. What is more important is putting an end to it, before more people suffer."

"Suffer?" Thorin breathed, a biting pinch of sarcasm oozing from this one word. No one was suffering. It seemed like the senator didn't know as much as he would like. This was just another reason to throw him out of his home and report this meeting to Sauron. Perhaps if the owner of _Morder Industries_ knew about the treacherous scum in his company, he would be able to investigate and replace the weakest link. "We haven't even tested the ORCs so far. Your informant seems to be not very good at their job."

Gandalf sighed at that, looking sad and exhausted from one moment to another, deepening the furrows adorning his old features.

"Unfortunately, you are wrong. The ORCs are being tested on innocent people as we speak. You have to realise how wrong this is."

"We are trying to achieve something! It's what humanity needs," he hissed, ignoring parts of Gandalf's speech. They weren't true. He had programmed the ORC with his team and was still working on it. He would know if their development was abused!

"What humanity needs is time to heal!" The senator replied fiercely. "Not an invention to create another empire to start a war all over again. And a project like ORC in the hands of Sauron will help nobody but their financier."

"Enough!" Thorin roared. He wouldn't deal with these ridiculous declarations one more minute.

This was exactly why the project was classified, to prevent that people like Gandalf, who hadn't any clue about their work and goal, to stir up panic were none was needed. In a few years the citizens would already thank them for all their efforts and create a better world. With more workers the city would grow and finally be able again to feed everyone, to build affordable housing again. They were at the brink of ensuring everyone a decent living and Thorin wouldn't allow anyone to ruin his visions.

"I won't listen to your rubbish! Get out of my house!" Thorin hissed, anything but friendly. Glaring at the other, when Gandalf seemed to scrutinize him, as if just staring at him long enough would somehow change Thorin's mind.

But at last he nodded and Thorin regarded his victory with a feeling of triumph welling up inside him. Turning around and heading towards the door Gandalf paused for a moment, before casting a glance back and meeting Thorin's gaze one more time.

"Should you change your mind or need my help, my door is always open."

And then he was gone. Leaving Thorin with a furiously pounding heartbeat and clenched fists. Somehow the senator's last words diminished his victory, but they couldn't shake his beliefs. His work would change the world and transform it into a better place. He was sure of it.

"Thorin?" Frerin's voice reached his ears.

Turning his head, he found his little brother standing in the doorframe, the worry in his bright eyes almost screaming at Thorin. He must've heard... of course he had heard when he'd gotten this loud.

"Is everything okay?" He wondered with hunched shoulders. Every time he saw him like this, trying to make himself appear smaller than he was, Thorin feared his little brother was too gentle for a world as cruel as this. But wasn't this the reason he'd wanted to work at the project in the first place?

"Yes, everything is okay," Thorin tried to reassure him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

But it wasn't okay, for in the following days Thorin's mind couldn't help but to return to the conversation with Gandalf and what kind of warning the senator had brought along. Thorin tried to dismiss it as inanities, but for some reason it felt wrong, as if an unconscious intuition gnawed at his thoughts. For a whole week he pondered, unable to get this conversation out of his head and at last, at the end of his shift, Thorin made good of being the last one in the office and hacked the system. He told himself he only did it to prove that he’d been right all along, but somewhere, in the back of his mind, whispered a fearful voice horrible things of scenarios that could happen if Gandalf was right.

Perhaps his sudden doubt was tied to his opinion about his boss. Sauron was a charismatic man and getting a job in such a much-vaunted company was more than most people could dream of, but there was something in his eyes that had made Thorin suspicious during their first meeting. After he had gotten the job his contact to Sauron was so limited he’d forgotten about his first mistrust, especially with working at a project as promising for their future as this. Was there truly the possibility Sauron could use it for his own benefits? Most certainly, Thorin thought gravely, he hadn’t met one person in his life that hadn’t attempted to fight dirty for their personal advantage. Pupils, teachers, bakers… they all strived the same.

Getting into the system was easy, mostly because he was part of the team programming it before working at the ORCs and if no one took notice of his unauthorised access to it, then no one would in the future, since there wasn’t any kind of digital fingerprint he could leave if he just switched through some classified documents.

At first there was nothing interesting to find and Thorin began already to curse his stupid paranoia. Of course it wasn't such a bad thing, waiting for the worst to happen in a city like this, but being always on high alert had always had his disadvantages… like scaring the hell out of Frerin, when his younger brother approached him without Thorin noticing. He apologised every time and Frerin always forgave him, but it didn’t help against the horrible feeling inside him and the knowledge that this shouldn’t be happening at all.

He was about to blow the whole thing off, when he stumbled over an unnamed file. Thorin frowned, his suspiciousness only increasing. Calling up the file he was asked to enter a keyword, something that was pretty easily circumvented with a few more lines of code. What he found was a map of a part of the company Thorin hadn’t known existed until now, located downstairs and only accessible with a code, needed at the input screen for the elevator.

Memorising the code Thorin got up, heading towards the lift.

The code was accepted and he was brought to a long hallway. Stepping out warily he walked through the first room he came across, nearly colliding with a woman carrying a strangely calm newborn. She glared at him at his sudden appearance, but other than that looked unfazed with his presence here, perhaps thinking he was authorised to linger at a place like this. Without further ado she walked past him, leaving the room and giving Thorin the opportunity to realise where he’d ended up. The clothes in the back of the small room, the blue tiles darkening this place along with the dim light, sinks and soap at the one side, while there was a huge window and another door at the other, left no doubt than that this was an airlock chamber to an operating  theatre.

They weren’t in need of such rooms here… not yet at least and they wanted to develop less straining matters to extract the ORC, when it had gathered all the important information. They were supposed to grow in artificial uteri. But the woman had carried a baby and this was an airlock chamber. His heart was pounding painfully inside his chest as Thorin stepped towards the door, pulling it ajar to listen what was going on inside, while his eyes could barely believe what they saw through the window.

There was a boy lying on the operating table, blinking numbly and staring at something only he seemed able to see as a surgeon stitched up a wound at the boy’s puffy looking belly...

Sauron had… Sauron had taken Thorin’s work, modified it and implanted it in a boy…

Thorin had seen many things in his life, like a man lying on the street, the unrecognisable head no more than a bloody pulp. It had never bothered him, but seeing his invention violate a kid’s body… a kid appearing not much older than Frerin… Thorin couldn’t help but heave drily at the sight before him. This was sick and cruel and… there was no way to describe the wrongness in front of his eyes. Were those people free of morals? How could they do this to a kid, for God’s sake!

“Why the effort to stitch him up? Let’s just get rid of him like of the others,” the voice of the surgeon’s assistant reached Thorin’s ears, dispelling the nausea for now and the tremors of horror afflicting his body.

Others… so Gandalf was right. This lad wasn’t the first. There were more of them, but they had been replaced without care. All of his work, lost in the clutches of a madman and the boy… good God, the boy…

“No, he is a minor. A minor going missing always draws attention and if somebody finds any clue we could be fucked. Better erase his memory and chip him, we can still replace him when his ORC is grown,” the doctor replied, ignoring the fact that the lad was able to hear every word.

This was just too much. Those people injected with an ORC… dead or suffering and in the other room men were talking about them as if replacing a broken toy. But not the boy, Thorin couldn’t let this happen. This kid was lying on the table because of him, because of his work and he would be doomed if he allowed the lad to suffer even more. He couldn’t help the dead and he alone wasn’t enough to save anyone else, who might be inside here, violated, in pain and scared to death, as for the boy, however, Thorin could make the difference. And perhaps a little part inside him viewed saving the lad as a way to redeem himself for his deeds.

Opening the door completely he stepped inside without batting an eye, reaching for the first weapon under his nose and stabbing the scalpel in the neck of the surgeon before he was able to realise what had happened. With a gurgling sound the doctor fell to his knees, grabbing his hurt neck to compress the wound, but failing miserably because of the slippery skin, blood spurting unstoppably. The assistant breathed a ragged fearful cry, retreating with panic shining in his huge eyes as Thorin walked towards him with solid steps. His begging didn’t even arrive at Thorin’s ears. He felt oddly absent as he used the scalpel to hurt the other as well, with only the rushing of his own blood in his ears. There was no pity inside him watching the assistant go down. Why should he feel sorry for a person that supported killing on a daily basis? Why did this guy think begging would help him? If he didn’t value the life of others, how could his be special enough to be spared? Thorin had known it for a long time, but had never seen it so clearly as he did right now. This world was mad. Disgusting.

Dropping the scalpel beside the dying man Thorin barely cleaned his bloody hands before he hurried over to the table. At the table he paused indecisively, the brunet didn’t appear like he’d acknowledged his presence so far. Perhaps he’d went inside his head, when the people had cut the ORC out of him; quite possible, Thorin mused. He wasn’t familiar with situations as such and how he should approach the lad. He did it the only way he knew, gently patting the boy’s head and murmuring soft words, hoping to catch his attention.

Unable to say how much time he got until the absence of these two men would get noticed, Thorin sighed with relief when the lad blinked not much later, looking as if he was awaking from a deep sleep. Tears welled up in the dark eyes and a soft sob erupted from his throat, filling Thorin’s inside with guilt.

“Mum,” the brunet croaked, making his heart constrict at the sound. It sounded so much like Frerin after the loss of his mother and it showed Thorin painfully how young the lad on the table still was.

“No, laddie. Your mum isn’t here,” he told him sadly, causing the boy to sob once more.

“I want my mum,” he cried, looking like he wanted to curl up on the table with the way he moved his arms, but the rest of his body seemed too anaesthetised to cooperate.

“Shh,” Thorin hushed him. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

Shoving his arms as gently as possible under the lad's shoulders and knee pits Thorin heaved him into his arms, shocked at how light he came to rest in his arms. He wasn’t just some minor, he belonged to the poorest and the thought made Thorin’s blood boil. His work was supposed to help the poor one day, instead they were the ones suffering right now.

Although, now that the lad was safe in his arms, he was faced with another problem, getting out without being spotted would be hard, but not impossible, seeing as he knew the company very well and when people would be working and walking through the hallways. The real issue was that he couldn’t go home. That woman had seen him and it wasn’t going to be hard to connect his presence to the death of these men, letting alone identifying Thorin. After having to realise the hard way what Sauron did to achieve his own low goals, Thorin thought him capable of anything. His men would be sent to their house without a doubt. Putting Frerin into danger.

Thorin cursed. He should’ve thought of his little brother before investigating, but as soon as the thought had crossed his mind the guilt returned and he couldn’t help but glance at the lad in his arms. No… it was right. This couldn’t go on. They just had to seek shelter somewhere and send Frerin to Balin, so his brother would be safe. But where were he and the boy supposed to hide?

The brunet in his arms whimpered. He would need painkillers when the anaesthetic started to wear off and a place to heal… and from one moment to another Thorin knew.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gandalf stayed true to his word, offering them shelter and helping him to bring Kili, which turned out to be the boy’s name, into one of the guest rooms. Afterwards he excused himself to call for a doctor to take a look at Kili’s stitches and give him some meds against the pain. The lad was sleeping at the moment, so Thorin decided to leave him for now in favour to warn Frerin and send him to Balin. There he would be alright for now, until it was safe enough to get him to the house of the senator as well.

This house was unbelievable well furnished, of course the biggest part of it was made of plastic, like most stuff these days, but due to the paint it barely stood out. Taking a seat on a comfortable couch standing in front of a small table carrying the com system, Thorin entered the coordinates of their house to call his brother. It didn’t take long for his brother to answer, causing Thorin to utter a sigh of relief. During the whole escape from _Modor Industries_ he hadn’t been able to chase away the fear that, while he sought shelter at Gandalf’s house, Sauron’s men were already on their way to his little brother. They seemed to have time, this was more than he could ask for. Thorin wouldn’t regret helping the boy, but before Frerin wasn't safe, he wasn’t going to call it the right decision either.

“Frerin,” he breathed, thankful to hear his brother’s voice.

“Thorin?” He said in such a tone the frown on his features was impossible to miss. “Where are you calling from?”

Good thing about calling someone from the house of a senator was that their location was blocked when on the phone. The benefits of being in a position of power, at least it would stop Sauron with all his connections from finding him.

“It doesn’t matter. I need you to listen to me, little brother,” he told him frantically. Not knowing how much time they had, wasting precious seconds wasn’t on his mind, even if it meant to scare Frerin, better scared than dead. “I need you to pack your stuff and go to Balin.”

“What? Why? What’s going on,” Frerin demanded to know, the slight tremble in his voice didn’t go unnoticed by Thorin.

“That doesn’t matter right now! What you need to know is that it isn’t safe at home anymore, so get out of there as soon as possible. You will be safe with Balin.” Thorin hurriedly explained.

“But what about you?”

“I’m okay. Just go to Balin, okay? Please! For me,” he begged. Usually he admired Frerin’s stubbornness, it reminded him of their father and partly of himself, but right now it was the least they needed.

It was silent for a few seconds, hastening his heartbeat with worry at the lack of reaction on the other end of the line. But at last there was a meek whisper of agreement. The tension drained from Thorin’s body as his shoulders slumped.

“Thank you,” he uttered, massaging his pounding forehead. This day had turned into an exhausting night and didn’t seem to end, but to worsen with every passing hour. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he was assured that Frerin was safe with Balin.

“I will pack my stuff now,” Frerin said, he sounded shaken, but nothing could be done about that now.

“Good, I will hang up and let you pack. I love you little brother, take care.”

“Love you, too,” he mumbled and then there was a crackle in the line and afterwards it was silent.

Thorin released a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding. Frerin would stay true to his word, Frerin was smart, he would manage to get to Balin without trouble. At least Thorin told himself that to keep a clear head.

He didn’t know how long he remained sitting on the couch, hands buried in his hair and pleading that his little brother would be safe, when Gandalf stepped into the room, another older man in tow. The stranger looked tired, grey hair and beard looking scruffy as if he had to cover too many shifts to hold himself in healthy shape. It wasn’t such a far-fetched thought, most people worked too much and always tumbled at the edge of collapsing.

“May I introduce,” Gandalf began to speak. “Thorin, this is Oin. He is the doctor I have called to look at Kili. Oin, this is Thorin. The one that saved the lad's life.”

They shook hands, but were both too tired to be polite enough to pretend to be interested in the other. Thorin had far more important things on his mind anyway. Glancing from the doctor to the senator their eyes met.

“I send my little brother to Balin, he is the secretary of senator Galadriel. Is it possible to deliver a message to him?”

Gandalf smiled kindly. “Of course. I have a meeting with her in two days, delivering a message won’t be trouble.”

Thorin simply nodded, no longer trying to be cautious with pressing if Galadriel could be trusted. Now that the boy and his brother were safe – at least he hoped so – the strength left his exhausted limbs. The wave of adrenalin he had surfed on had abated, only leaving the need for a deep and long sleep behind. He couldn’t fall asleep now, though, Kili was still in need of his help and if it only consisted of soothing words while Oin examined him. The brunet had looked terrified the whole way to Gandalf’s house and Thorin couldn’t blame him after what he’d been through, but panic wouldn’t help him heal, as cruel as it sounded right now.

Gandalf retired to his bedroom while Thorin guided the doctor to the boy. It would look suspicious if the senator missed out on any important events and therefore Thorin didn’t begrudged him the rest, right now everything stood and fell with the other’s act. Besides, it wasn’t like he had to stay awake for much longer, just the quick examination of the lad and he could go to bed as well. How long would it take? Ten minutes? Less? He could do that, no need to complain.

When they arrived at the door of the guestroom, however, Thorin was faced with another sight of horror. Kili wasn’t on the bed anymore, instead sitting in the corner of the room, the white garment taken off and scratching and tearing at his belly. The stitches almost completely ripped out. The walls, the floor, the sheets, even the curtains, everywhere Thorin could glance, frozen with shock as he was, he detected the boy’s bloody handprints. He was bleeding profusely from the reopened wound, but didn’t seem to notice it, just like he wasn’t becoming aware of the lights turned on and the two man standing in the door way with shock, until almost at the same time Thorin and Oin recovered.

Without agreeing on a plan they both bolted towards Kili. One reaching for his arms, the other for the legs and pinning him to the ground, while the lad kicked and punched and screamed and tried to bite Thorin in the end, wiggling in their hold like a cornered animal.

“No! No! Let me go!” He wailed, his struggles causing the wound to bleed more copiously.

Thorin felt a surge of dizziness and nausea settling in his stomach at the amount of blood. Dark red, almost black… his doing. His fault… his invention was the reason for all of this. He had to swallow hard and fight against the deafening sound of his pounding heart in his ears to understand what Kili was screaming.

“Please! I have to get it out! Please! I beg you! Take it out!”

Oin had tied the legs of the lad together and was fumbling with a syringe, his hands might not be shaking, but it was obvious that his finger, slippery from blood, had a hard time to follow his orders. For a moment Thorin feared the bound legs couldn’t hold the brunet and he leaned most of his weight on his arms. But Kili was barely fighting anymore, lost in the horrors he had to hallucinate. Thorin’s heart clenched as he looked away from the wound and all the blood, instead focussing on Kili’s face. His features were a mask of desperation and pure fear. Tears ran from the corners of his eyes, disappearing in his dark hair as he sobbed helplessly.

“Shh,” Thorin tried to soothe him, voice shaking in the cadence of his body. “Calm down, it’s out. You don’t have to hurt yourself, it’s gone.”

Kili only shook his head frantically, trying to fight once more, but not succeeding, Thorin’s weight and whatever Oin had syringed turning his movements weak and sluggish.

“No,” he whimpered. “You have to take it out! It’s there! I can feel it,” he added pleadingly.

With another wave of horror Thorin couldn’t help but wonder if they had injected another one right after removing the first ORC, after a few painful heartbeats, however, he reminded himself at the conversation he’d listened to. It had to be the phantom feeling of months of suffering Kili was experiencing right now. Sadly Thorin was at loss at how to deal with a situation like this. He felt ashamed of the relief flooding him at one last helpless sob, before the boy’s eyes felt shut, his consciousness surrendering under the force of the sedative.

Releasing his tight grip around the lad Thorin leaned back, exhaling a shaky breath. In the silence of the room he was left wondering if he’d done the right thing. Perhaps death would have been a mercy after what the boy had been through. But as fast the thought had come he already cursed himself for thinking like that. No. If this lad deserved one thing than it was to live, not dying after months of violation and pain and fear… it was cruel… this world was cruel and sick. But if Kili had even the slightest change to find a reason to smile again in the future it would be worth it. Besides, the last thing Thorin wanted was to duck the responsibility of his deeds.

“Fee,” a broken sound alerted him, yanking him from his agonising thoughts and forcing him to glance at Kili’s grimacing expression. “Help!” He begged.

Dreams or memories, Thorin couldn’t say, it was enough to contract his chest, though. Having no idea what else to do he began to stroke Kili’s hair affectionately and was soon able to watch how the gentle touch calmed his restless sleep.

It felt like an eternity until Oin was done with cleaning and stitching the wound up. Despite being a doctor he looked pale and there was the same kind of horror radiating from his eyes Thorin was feeling deep inside himself as well.

“Gandalf told me what to expect,” he sighed. “But this is worse than I could ever imagine.”

Thorin could only nod at this. What else was there to say? He didn’t have the strength to tell the doctor, he couldn’t talk to anyone about this, only accepted the painkillers and antibiotics Oin handed him – since he feared Kili could’ve contaminated the wound on the inside – and perhaps Gandalf had already made sure this secret would be safe with the man. After all, the senator had to trust him if he invited him over to tend to Kili.

Oin said goodbye not much later, leaving Thorin with a heavy heart in a bloody room and a shivering boy in his arms. Deciding that sleep was overrated Thorin got up to get a bowl with warm water and a cloth, setting it on himself to clean Kili and the room, a bit of distraction was what his agitated mind needed. Although seeing the blood wasn’t really helpful in dispelling the images he’d just witnessed.

By the time he was done Thorin was beyond exhausted, his eyes were dry and keeping them open got harder and harder, but Kili had gotten restless in the meantime again as well. Therefore he sat down on the bed, made sure the boy was wrapped up in a warm blanket and pulled him into his arms, beginning to stroke his hair once more while humming softly to keep himself awake. And just like the first time, it calmed him. This boy was his responsibility and Thorin would take care of him, regardless of what it would cost him, if it was only sleep or far more, he owed that to Kili.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The following days went by rather quietly, despite Kili’s recent mental breakdowns of course, but he accepted Thorin’s help and soon came to him when he feared another attack approaching, seeking his comfort and protection. Gandalf stayed true to his words and delivered messages for Frerin to Balin. It turned out to be far easier than expected, since the senator Galadriel was informed about the crimes inside Mordor Industries as well. To be completely exact, it wasn’t even Gandalf’s informant in Sauron’s company, but Galadriel’s.

It all changed, though, when the police approached Gandalf and started to search the house. Thorin and Kili managed to hide in a secret chamber, while the men investigated the murder of two of Sauron’s employees. Obviously they had been found on the streets and a witness claimed to have recognised Thorin and after investigating the case the police now visited the senator, since he had been seen leaving Thorin’s house some days prior.

Lucky Gandalf could convince them he had tried to lure Thorin away from Sauron’s company to hire him himself as a personal system technician – which had been in vain, of course – and wanted nothing to do with a murderer. All the while Kili and Thorin were in the next room and he could feel the shaking of the lad in his arms, Thorin's gentle strokes barely enough to keep him calm. Fingers digging so painfully into his skin Thorin could almost feel the bruises they were going to leave. This incident showed them quite plainly that they weren’t safe here forever.

They couldn’t hide all the time when Gandalf had guests, not with the way it terrified Kili and if their presence here was spotted by anyone and even if it was only by accident, they would be in a lot more trouble. No one could protect them in that case, especially not Gandalf, who would be put on trial as well. They needed a safe place, but there weren’t any. Thorin had no doubts anymore that Sauron had control over the police, everyone was venal nowadays after all, and with the police he could put the city under twenty-four-seven surveillance. They wouldn’t be safe anywhere, since there always existed the chance to get busted in the city.

Which was why they sat down to talk later that day, after Thorin had finally managed to take Kili’s mind off being taken to Sauron once more. Sighing he took a nip of his tea before addressing the topic.

“We can’t stay here, Gandalf. Sooner or later someone will notice.” For the first time in his life Thorin felt old, like he had gone through too many years and perhaps there was even truth to it. If he had grown up in such a poor environment as Kili had, chances were high he would have died a while ago. This world wasn’t for the faint of heart or anyone with a certain codex of moral. You either were cold and cruel or you would break under the harshness of this world. It was strange that a world like this could still produce people like Gandalf and Galadriel… like Oin and Kili… like Frerin…

Gandalf nodded gravely.

“I agree. You need to leave as soon as possible.”

“But where should we go?” He wondered almost desperately. Just because he knew this place wasn’t safe didn’t mean he appreciated Gandalf agreeing with him. Right now the senator was everything between them and the unforgiving city out there, after all.

“This is luckily a matter that can be solved,” the senator said and to Thorin’s great surprise he brought a key to light not much later, shoving it in the middle of the table so Thorin could reach for it whenever he wanted.

It was a plain thing, looking like the shape of a mountain, forged by a dark, shiny iron.

“What is it for?” He wondered.

“Years ago your father asked me to keep it safe until the time was right to give it to you.”

His father? Thorin could barely believe the other’s words. Thrain had never mentioned Gandalf in his presence, it was the first time he heard that these two had known each other. He wanted to ask how they had met. Why his father had deemed such a key safer with the senator than his own son. But Gandalf was already continuing and snatched the opportunity from his fingers.

“Long before the Great War your ancestors built a huge bunker deep under the sea, a shelter for the war. Every evidence of its existence was destroyed during the war and only passed on from father to son or mother to daughter in the years to come. This key will activate the water lock alone with its presence and used inside I was told it would also turn on the power. Your father said it worked with turbines located in the underwater currents,” he added at Thorin’s questioning gaze. “I have to be honest, there will be lot of work to do, the technology down there is outdated and the place tremendous and no one has been down there for decades, but no one knows its location. You will be safe there and I promise to support you with anything you need to repair.”

The work didn’t really bother him, rather how they were going to get there, although Gandalf might have a solution for this problem as well, he seemed to have a solution for anything. They weren’t really having a choice anyway. It was either that or living in fear and constant danger and therefore he agreed, not stopping Gandalf when he got up to make the preparations, so they could depart as soon as possible, despite all the questions roaming around in Thorin’s had. Open questions were a small prize compared to their lives.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Urging Kili to leave the house a week later was far more difficult than the decision itself. The lad was scared of anything and feared to be taken again if he left the building. In the end they couldn’t help but sedate him, an option Thorin would’ve preferred to avoid, but it couldn’t be helped in the end. It was only the two of them for now, although Gandalf assured him Frerin and Balin were soon going to follow, as well as Oin and his brother Gloin and nephew Gimli. People had started asking question at the hospital the doctor worked at, wondering why he had been called to the senator and they weren’t going to take any risks after the thing with the police.

For the next weeks it was just the two of them, fixing room after room, hallway after hallway, hall after hall. It was a tedious process, but Thorin found himself enjoying the time with Kili, teaching him how the technology worked and how to fix it. Now that they were here Kili wasn't looking terrified all the time, although he had developed a strange blank expression Thorin didn't like at all, but the boy was still a teachable student. They had only fixed one of the many living cabins so far, one of the biggest with two beds inside. Thorin wouldn't leave Kili out of his sight, fearing he could hurt himself once more. However, Kili didn't even ask to be given his own cabin and therefore Thorin assumed he was okay with how things worked right now.

Once a week they received supplies, consisting of food, spare parts and what else they were in need of. A quick message when the capsule was send back was everything that was needed for Gandalf or Galadriel to provide them with it. Just that what Thorin really wanted hadn't been come along so far. Frerin was still up there and despite being given the opportunity to send letters back and forth it just wasn't the same. Written words would never be able to replace a smile, a voice, shining eyes, a hug... he longed for Frerin's presence, for the knowledge of his safety, but the police seemed to monitor his little brother, to see if he would meet with Thorin and therefore he couldn't escape without anyone noticing. At least this was what Gandalf's messages told him. Down here they were cut from everything happening in the world, he didn't know if it was true and had to trust Gandalf with it. Trusting other people had never been one of his strong points. Trust meant a potential betrayal and in the city one of it could seal his fate forever.

He had only ever trusted his family, well and Balin and Dwalin of course, but he knew both of them long enough to view them as part of the family as well. Although, he had to admit, he was coming to trust Kili, too. The lad reminded him of Frerin and Thorin's own guilt was probably part of the reason, why he hadn't felt the least bit suspicious of him since the awful day they had met.

A few days later Oin, Gloin and Gimli joined them in Erebor. Thankfully the doctor seemed to have kept Kili's fate a secret, since they treated him normally and looked surprised about his quiet behaviour and the numb way he followed Thorin around. He told them something about the city being cruel to people like Kili and they seemed satisfied with the answer. Together they managed to progress faster, but despite Oin's help Thorin couldn't help but to shoot the other family wary glances, not liking the thought of being outnumbered should the worst case come to pass.

However, the scenario stayed in his head and with time he and Kili warmed up to their presence. With Dwalin's arrival some weeks later came medical supplies by Rivendell Inc. Thorin immediately decided to store them away. These innovations in the field of medicine were far too expensive to waste it on minor injuries and illnesses. As long as Oin could help with the usual stuff no one was allowed to use them. Not even Gandalf could send them regenerating tools and meds on end, it would draw attention to him in the long run and therefore Thorin would ensure to ration them as needed.

Kili seemed to be scared of Dwalin for ages. Thorin's good friend tried to reassure him, but after all the lad had been through everything that looked like a threat was easily pushing him into a panic attack. It was awful for him to see his friend avoiding Kili and walk around like a whipped dog, while the brunet would grip Thorin's arm with fright, shaking like he was forced to meet a blizzard wearing nothing more than underwear. Thorin had never realised until then that while Dwalin relished it to be feared by adults, he couldn't stand the thought of causing the same reaction to a child or a young lad like Kili, probably because the bald man wouldn't even dream of hurting kids.

By the time they had finally found a way of getting along six month had passed, the beginning of the next half of the year leading Thranduil and his son Legolas to their hiding place. It immediately fuelled a conflict, especially when Thorin learned that Thranduil wasn't just Galadriel's informant – who had to leave because staying in the city had become too dangerous for them – but also one of the doctors responsible for Sauron's current ORC project.

"I did only my job, just like you. But unlike you I did something!" Thranduil snarled at one point during their argument.

"I didn't know Sauron was using my work to cause such mutilation!" Thorin shot back.

"Ignorance doesn't make you innocent."

"I don't pretend to be innocent, but at least I didn't work down there, killing people every day!"

They screamed at each other for who knew how long, actually surprising Thorin that they hadn't tried to kill each other so far, until Kili begged them stop, all the shouting of the terrible crimes Sauron instructed triggering a flashback and causing the lad to nearly pass out with fear. Thorin didn't know what coaxed them to make peace in the end. Perhaps the blond's soft voice talking to Kili and showing the lad how to breathe through the fear. Maybe it was the true concern on Thranduil's features when he asked after Kili in the following days. Or it was because Legolas began befriending Kili afterwards, talking with him about trivial stuff and allowing him to feel like a normal boy, even if it was only for a few minutes, it was more than he'd been offered in months.

Thorin knew he was never going to trust Thranduil, not after what he'd done, but this seemed to be a mutual accordance between them, for the blond was always going to judge Thorin's part in the creating of the ORCs as well. But they could manage respect the deeds of the other that had brought them all to Erebor. And in the end, they had to get along if this arrangement down here was supposed to work.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Thranduil informed him of the reason behind Sauron’s cruel methods – although, to be fair, Thorin had already suspected something like this – it was the first time a talk about a rebellion began. It didn’t feel like they actually aimed for it, though. Just some frustrated guys talking shit, making big plans, but without the intention to keep them. They were too few anyway to change anything, besides, after the incident with Kili a week ago, when Thorin had found the lad in the bathroom, a knife in one hand and the blade sitting dangerously close at his wrist, he had to realise the brunet wasn’t as fine as he’d thought for a while. The nightmares had lessened or at least Thorin had believed it and from time to time he had been able to crack a smile again, giving a hint at what kind of a lad he might have been before getting into Sauron’s scheming.

The trauma of his experiences was still there and this moment showed Thorin quite plainly that even if the boy looked like he was getting better, setbacks could always occur. He was just glad he had been there at the right time. A movement with their resources and with a lad as unstable as Kili in their ranks… there were other things far more important than saving and changing the world. Right now Thorin didn’t want to do anything but to be there for the brunet, who had become so withdrawn and had to be coaxed to tell him what plagued him, when usually he would come to Thorin on his own accord.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was strange, however, how fast a set perspective could change. He could still hear Balin’s words at his arrival today. Sad, apologetic, with a distinctive part of compunction oozing from his voice. And now Thorin sat in the living cabin, shoulders hunched and hands buried in his hair, while he asked himself continuously if he could’ve prevented it. There had to be one certain mistake leading to all of this. It seemed like the past was always repeating itself and everyone he loved was going to leave him sooner or later.

“Thorin?” A trembling voice reached his ears, sounding scared and concerned.

But he didn’t have the energy to put up with another breakdown right now and therefore he decided against looking up, keeping his gaze turned to the floor instead. Why today? Why not tomorrow? Why today of all days? His head only answered with a deafening silence of helplessness and incomprehension. There was still a part of him that didn’t believe Balin’s words to be true, despite knowing his old friend would never lie to him regarding such a matter, would never even think of uttering his fears if there was no proof that they were justified.

The mattress of the bed dipped slightly as Kili sat down beside him.

“Are you alright?” The brunet asked him carefully.

Thorin swallowed hard to handle the pressure behind his eyes, suppressing tears and sobs. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he had cried.

“No,” he told the lad eventually, his voice sounding as hoarse as if he had screamed for hours. It almost felt like it, too. The desperation in his head might have been doing the job.

“What happened?”

He didn’t want to answer, as if saying it out loud would turn it into the truth and only silence was needed to keep the world intact. If he told Kili, though, perhaps the lad was going to leave him alone to grieve in peace.

“Frerin is dead,” he breathed, nearly choking at the last word. “He… ah… he and Balin were supposed to come here today, but… some of Sauron’s men caught them. They fought and could escape but Frerin… he was shot… and…”

A pair of thin arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing him soothingly as Thorin couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He cried quietly, mourning the loss of his little brother, while he felt Kili leaning his head against his shoulder, not saying anything but offering his presence as comfort. A spark of affection kindled inside his heart for Kili, but was soon drowned again under despair and sorrow.

Everything he did had been for Frerin. Thorin had raised his brother nearly all by himself and with his work he’d wanted to offer him a better world, a better life, to forget about the dangers and get old in peace. It had all been for him, but Sauron hadn’t only twisted Thorin’s work, he had also taken his little brother. He had taken everything. Had killed a boy, the life still ahead of him.

Sauron had destroyed what he loved most and for that Thorin wanted revenge.

 

 


	35. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili gets interrupted...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has taken a long break, but now it's back. "Matters of the Heart" is partially to blame for the long hiatus. I didn't intend for it to get so long, but it did and it can't be helped, sooo *shrugs*
> 
> But, in the meantime, I could finish this story. Although the updates will stay a little slow, mostly because I'm not really happy with the very last chapter, which I might fix if I can figure out how to do it. So don't be surprised if in the end there will be 50 chapters instead of 49.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, let me help you a little to remember what happened in this story:
> 
> Fili and Ori got attacked one night, but were saved by Kili. He brought them into the hideout of a movement under Thorin, Balin and Thranduil's command. Sauron tries to gain power through replacing the population of his city with CAI. CAI were genetic copies of their host. During the events of the story Fili didn't only learn that Kili was injected with a CAI, which was the reason for his disappearance, Fili also entered a relationship with Kili, who has been in love with Fili for ages. In the last chapter, the interlude, we learned that it was Thorin who saved Kili, after Gandalf appealed to him. In the events that followed, Thorin's little brother Frerin died and Kili suffered from a trauma he had to fight long and hard to overcome it. If he really managed that, though, is questionable.

 

 

With Kili’s confession came the intimacy they had been lacking so far. Fili wasn’t scared anymore of things going wrong between them, since the things Kili had told him were the ultimate act of faith. He had told no one else of these cruel experiences so far, people like Oin, Balin, Dwalin, Thorin and Thranduil knew it because of other reasons, but Fili was the only one the brunet had felt ready to confide in of his own accord. It gave Fili better insight and now he just had to look carefully enough to detect that distant expression in Kili’s eyes. Whenever it happened, a simple intertwining of fingers was everything that was needed to draw Kili away from bad memories, just in the way the little squeeze told him _I’m here for you_.

It strengthened his trust and made their relationship stronger. His initial worries about sex were nearly non-existent two weeks later. They enjoyed this new way of pleasuring each other whenever they could. They had no favourite roles while making love, sometimes Kili would bottom and on other days it was Fili, who had only needed one night of the brunet driving him crazy to realise bottoming wasn’t gross at all, but really _really_ nice.

Nearly three weeks after the wedding were spent like this, working, training, chatting with their friends and snogging and coupling in the evening. With every day it was harder for Fili not to recognise the feelings, welling up inside him, as what they were. He remembered the conversation before their last mission and he had to admit, it was love. Fili loved the noises Kili made when he touched him just at the right places. Loved his smile and his laughter. His strength to go on after what he’d been through and that he’d mostly managed to overcome the trauma it had caused. Loved his kindness, his jokes, the soft brush of lips against his, the way he yearned for the brunet’s presence. The way his name had become to mean home.

Finally coming to terms with his feelings and understanding them, he was now faced with a completely different problem. How was he supposed to tell Kili? It seemed to be an unwritten rule that he didn’t have to utter it to make the brunet happy, but he wanted to. Kili had told him so often and the words had suffused him with warmth and now Fili wanted to see the spark in Kili’s eyes and the bright smile he could already imagine were going to follow his words. It wasn’t hard to phrase it, but Fili still had a hard time forcing himself to say it to his boyfriend.

For the first time the blond noticed how much the city had crippled his emotions and the way to address them. Affection, weakness… those were feelings that were tolerated but not welcome. With school they had been told ceaselessly that the world needed strong people to reach its former glory, weaklings were only going to hamper them all. And love seemed to be a weakness as well, at least this was how Fili interpreted kids laughing at him for hugging his mum and calling him all sort of names. It hadn’t caused him to stop hugging her in general, but in public it had felt a lot less natural as it did before. Hugging and kissing Kili might feel easy because of the simple acceptance he was meeting all around and the brunet’s eagerness, which didn’t even allow Fili to feel like what he was doing wasn’t right. Right now, however, he clearly realised a mental barrier blocking the words from leaving his lips.

Therefore he did something he usually never had to, he practised the words until they left his mouth so easily he could finally stop worrying about them, and when he was satisfied with result, he deemed it high time to tell Kili. Just that the moment he tried the whole universe seemed to conspire against him.

The first time shouldn't surprise him as much as it did. Coming to a halt in front of the door to the training area, they had made good of the chance for a quick kiss, which - of course - had turned pretty fast into more than one. It was astonishing how hard it had become for him to keep his hands off Kili. Bard had told him this intense urge of being close, of longing for kisses and touches and just the basic feeling of need for the others presence, would cease with time without influencing their love in a bad way. It was during this kind of desire washing over them like a relentless wave, that Fili thought it felt just right to say the magically three words right now, with Kili nearly melting in his arms. It would be perfect.

But before he could act on his plan Dwalin's barking voice interrupted them, causing them to flinch with fright. The moment was gone when they joined the others to train. Fili was barely able to suppress a grimace at the thought, but began soon to tell himself, it was better this way. Had he succeeded they still would've to show up for the training and Fili wanted Kili all for himself when he finally said it.

Unfortunately it didn't stay with this one moment. The next time Kili had arranged for them to be responsible for the livestock. It was just them looking after the animals. The brunet smiled at him proudly as Fili stared in awe at all the different species. Sheep, goats, cows, chickens and ducks, animals he had only every seen in books in school or as packaged meat. Watching little lambs eat literally out of his hands, when they spotted the carrots they held, was one of the most amazing things he’d ever been allowed to see. Then there were ducklings cheeping loudly, waiting for food to be placed in their bowls, their feathers so immensely soft Fili could barely believe it when Kili urged him to stroke one of them with the back of his pointer. The brunet smiled warmly at him and Fili was already sensing his chance, opened his mouth and... had to retreat with his boyfriend hurriedly, because the angry mum of the ducklings deemed them far too close to her children and attacked them with frantic quacking.

The third time was neither embarrassing nor hilarious like the first two had been, but completely ridiculous. It was in the evening and they were once more huddled up in bed, Kili’s soft giggles echoed to the ceiling of the room as Fili tickled him, a punishment after the brunet had decided to act a bit too cheeky during foreplay, with the intend of only stopping if his boyfriend begged for it. But Kili was stubborn and even when his chest was lifting and lowering swiftly with quick breaths and tears leaking from his he didn’t give up. It was Fili showing mercy in the end, allowing the other to catch his breath and it seemed like such a great opportunity to finally utter what was on his mind. And he definitely would have, if it wasn’t for the sudden tickling in his nose and the sneeze that followed not much later.

On other days his plans were interrupted by his mum, by Ori, Bard, Tauriel, Gimli… pretty much every single one of their unit had at one point prevented him from speaking the words sitting on the tip of his tongue. It was unbelievable! Perhaps he should just say it, stop caring about the presence of others or even the right situation and just do it before they were going to be stuck inside him forever. It probably was the most sensible thing to do. Just that Fili felt like the moment needed to be special. He wanted it to happen at a point that was worth remembering and not for it to take place in passing, like when Kili was brushing his teeth. Fili wanted for these words carry the meaning they were supposed to and therefore he waited with a heavy heart, feeling more and more frustrated with every passing day he was prohibited from saying it. Not even trying to tell Kili after they had sex was an option, for of course on this very day the brunet had to fall asleep immediately afterwards.

The following day wasn’t very helpful in changing these awful circumstances, for after supper, when they had returned to Fili’s cabin, the blond noticed immediately that his boyfriend’s thoughts were elsewhere. There wasn’t that distant gleam in his eyes that accompanied painful memories bombarding his consciousness, so at least there wasn’t anything worrisome. But Fili was tired of waiting and not in the mood for something unexpected happening once more, he should seize this change before it was yanked from his grasp once more. Right now might not be the most meaningful moment, but at least they were together, sitting so close a kiss wouldn’t require much movement.

“Kee?”

“Mh?”

“I have to tell you something,” he began, instantly catching Kili’s attention and frowning at the excitement directed at him.

“So you have heard it, too?” His boyfriend asked him, almost bouncing on the bed with suppressed energy.

“Heard what?” Fili wondered.

Kili’s eyes seemed to shine only brighter at the prospect of telling the other the news that had him in such tizzy, causing curiosity to chase away Fili’s determination.

“Tauriel is pregnant!” Kili replied happily. “Isn’t that amazing? She loves Sigrid, Bain and Tilda like her own, but I knew she still wished to have a child with Bard and now her wish is coming true!”

Fili’s heart filled with affection at those words, but only partly because he was happy for the married couple, most of it was directed at Kili and how delighted he was for his friends. Seeing others happy seemed all Kili needed to be happy as well, which wasn’t that surprising considering what a tactile and affectionate person he was, but just the sight of him right now still flooded Fili’s chest with warmth. It was one of many reasons he loved Kili.

“That’s amazing,” Fili agreed, returning the bright smile with a soft of his own.

Kili nodded enthusiastically before he seemed to remember that his boyfriend had tried to tell him something, when he’d interrupted him with telling the blond the good news.

“Oh! But what was it you wanted to tell me?” He asked.

Once again the opportunity was taken from him, for just as he opened his mouth to speak the ringing of the com system interfered. Kili didn’t seem in the least bit fazed when he got up with a quick remark Fili should hold his thought. Operating the little control panel Kili answered the call, since everyone knew how much time they spent together no one would be really surprised if the brunet took a call that was supposed for Fili.

Bilbo’s voice filled the cabin, filling the blond with a new sense of dread at the urgent note in the other’s words.

“You two need to come to the warehouse immediately! Another mission has been assigned, at short notice. It can’t wait. We might have the change to eliminate Sauron.”

At the name of their enemy every bit of colour and joy drained from Kili’s features and Fili watched with worry as his boyfriend clenched his fists and dark mask covered his expression. The blond didn’t like to see him like this, so full of pain and anger with a fire reflected in his brown eyes screaming for revenge. His heart had hastened, pounding painfully against his chest as Kili jerked his head in his direction, obviously waiting for him to get up from where he was sitting, feeling rooted to the spot. Just the look on the brunet’s face sent chills down his spine. He had never seen his friend like this.

“Fili,” he said, voice sounding far too calm for his strange expression. “Let’s go.”

 

 


	36. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the preparations for the mission continue...

 

 

When they arrived, their unit and two others were already present, probably to play the same game like the last time. One attacked and another ensured the police in the city was kept busy by a distraction. During the whole way to the warehouse Fili couldn't help but stare worriedly at Kili's back, the hand,pulling the blond along, holding on so tight his fingers started to hurt, until he had to free himself at one point. Kili had shot him a remorseful glance at this, earning a questioning gaze by his boyfriend, but the brunet had only averted his eyes with a mixture of shame and rebuff before continuing towards the elevators, only then and again glancing over his shoulder to ensure Fili was still following him.

He had no idea what to make of this. It was obvious Kili was hurting and Fili knew why, now that he was informed about what kind of suffering his friend had to endure. Unfortunately he couldn't do anything to help the brunet. Being there for him wasn't the solution for every issue and at the moment it seemed like the promise of revenge would see his friend through this difficult time. Fili didn't like it, couldn't imagine how killing someone would allow the brunet to feel magically better. It wouldn't erase the past, but still Kili seemed determined. Fili could only pray this night wouldn't take a greater toll on his best friend than the last seven years already had.

They were all awaiting them. Thorin, Balin and Thranduil, urging the units to gathered in front of the digital map they projected to the wall. Red crosses marked certain locations in the city, two were at the outskirts of the city, probably part of the route Sauron was going to take.

"One of our informants told us that Sauron will oversee to the next transport of CAI himself," Balin began to explain. "It seems like our successful battle against Smaug and Azog finally forces him to act. He has set up a different route for the transport and reinforces his troop of mercenaries and CAI and id taking matters into his own hands with inspecting the security precaution."

"We can't say when Sauron will leave the safety of his countless guards once more, this is our chance to end this madness and therefore we have to act fast," Thranduil added, his stern expression underlined by a furrow arising between his eyebrows.

"This," Thorin continued and pointed at one of the red crosses, marking a place in the heart of the city Fili knew a shopping mile for the rich was located, "is were unit three will start a diversionary manoeuvre. Whereas unit one and four will attack Sauron's convoy here." Their enemy's capsule would pass the ruins of an old factory property, it should be easy to hide there, but also dangerous to move between buildings liable to collapse.

Sauron wasn't stupid, the black line representing the route he wanted to take on the map stayed either awfully close to the industrial quarter or passed places known as dangerous. By the look of it Fili assumed he wanted to circle the city and drop his CAI off from where they could easily reach their destination.

At the other mark, near the location chosen for the ambush, they were supposed to arrive with their capsules. Distant enough to hide the vehicles, but close enough to reach them easily should something go wrong or Sauron be able to call for back-up.

"Don't kill Sauron. We want him alive," Thorin demanded. It seemed like they weren't expected to take any more prisoners but him.

The next minutes were consisting of instructions of how to proceed, when and from which direction Sauron would reach the point of application, until they were deemed prepared as best as was possible given the current circumstances. Fili felt slightly crushed under the weight of their next mission, a mission that was going to decide if Sauron's madness could be stopped or if the violation of people like Kili would continue without consequences for the holder of Mordor Industries. The reactions of his companions turned out corresponding to it, with silence they stared at the map.

The queasy feeling inside Fili got stronger the longer no one dared to speak, fighting with the fear of failure and filling his head with scenarios of what would happen if they failed. He remembered Nori's words of warning from months ago... if they didn't seize this chance... perhaps there would never be another. Perhaps Sauron would've replaced everyone, finding Erebor in the process and killing the people Fili loved. He nearly bent under the expectations and responsibility. They had to succeed, there was no room for failure.

He was thankful when Bard's voice cut through the silence, yanking him from the grasp of his paralysing thoughts.

"So, how much time do we have to say goodbye?"

"None," Thorin replied. "You have to leave immediately or you won't manage to be there in time."

A volley of protests erupted, everyone thinking of their loved ones and the possibility of death out there kept in mind. Bard seemed to be the loudest, demanding to say goodbye to his wife and children. Under different circumstances Fili would’ve been similar enraged. The fact that Thorin and the others were sending two units to ambush Sauron was an indicator for how difficult and risky this mission was going to be. They were suspected to meet guards up there… guards, who probably weren’t interested in keeping them alive to inject a CAI, but would kill if they were given the opportunity to ensure the safety of their boss.  Fili felt nauseous at the thought that perhaps this time, not everyone of them was going to return, that he himself might not return. The least all of them could expect was getting the chance of saying goodbye and it was refused.

Just the thought of never seeing his mother or Ori again nearly choked him with fear, sending tremors and a barely bearable heat through his body, accompanied by a painfully fast heartbeat. He didn’t want to die, there was so much he wanted to achieve. He wanted to see the world change and become a better place, as utopian as this hope might seem – he finally understood what had been driving Kili for years. He was sick of pain and suffering, of sacrifices, of madness. Fili knew that it would take time, but with the threat of Sauron gone, Gandalf and Galadriel’s influence and Thorin’s determination… there could be a coup, there could be new laws, there could be enough food. They managed it down here after all, it wouldn’t take more than that up there as well, as long as the city finally abandoned it’s greed for growth and the old power. It was possible! And Fili wanted to be there when it happened.

Still, Fili wasn’t able to stay mad at being denied a decent goodbye for long, the old worry for Kili resurfacing when the brunet pushed his way through the crowd, heading towards the section their gear was stored. Watching his tense shoulders put a sinking feeling into the blond’s stomach. Leaving the others to their argument, Fili decided to follow his boyfriend, who was already busy with slipping into the familiar clothes way more forcefully than necessary by the time Fili reached him.

“Kili?” He called him carefully, causing the brunet to flinch violently.

At the haunted glance his friend darted at him, Fili couldn’t help but think that it might be better if Kili didn’t accompany them this time. But it wasn’t his decision and if someone could convince him to stay or force him if need be, then it was Thorin. Thorin, however, would most likely not believe a word of what Fili told him, so this wasn’t an option.

“Are you alright?” Fili didn’t try to keep his voice soft this time. Kili was clearly disturbed and every sweet word wasn’t going to take him anywhere, not with the way the other acted right now. It was so strange, so unlike Kili, Fili wasn’t able to find the words to describe it. But it scared him, he was at a loss what to do and he’d never liked the loss of control – a lesson the city had taught probably everyone.

Kili’s eyes wandered nervously to the units, still attempting to reason with Thorin and the other two men, but the protests began to fade. Suddenly Kili’s hand came up, reaching for Fili’s arm and gripping him so hard the blond couldn’t help but grimace with pain. Pulling him closer until their faces were only inches apart, Kili looked him in the eyes and Fili finally understood what was going on inside the other. The desperation screaming at him in a silent gaze took his breath away, causing him to swallow hard while Kili’s shaking hand transferred the trembling into his arm.

“I need you to promise me something,” Kili whispered to him urgently. Fili nodded, hoping it would soothe a part of his friend’s distress. Eyes darting once more to the crowd standing in a distance, as if to ensure there was still no one listening to their conversation, the brunet swallowed visibly. “When we have Sauron, I need you to distract the others so I can kill him.”

Fili’s lids widened with shock, his disbelieving gaze boring into Kili’s desperate one. He couldn’t be serious.

“Kili-“

“No! No, listen to me!” He hissed. “You have to promise me! Please!”

He wanted to refuse, wanted to tell him killing Sauron wasn’t going to give him the peace he longed for, but there were tears shining in Kili’s eyes, his lips wobbling dangerously and the wounded expression on his features made his chest ache. So instead of telling him what was on his mind he merely pulled his boyfriend to his chest, allowing him to bury his face in the crook of his neck and offering him the time to fight for control.

“Okay,” Fili croaked. “I promise.”

Kili’s state of mind was more important. Sauron could go to hell for what he’d done and what did Fili know about what was going to help his friend? He had never experienced what Kili had been through, couldn’t even imagine what it had to feel like and if the brunet thought this was what he needed, then Fili was going to support him, no matter what.

Kili’s heavy breathing at his ear started to even again at his words.

“Thank you,” his boyfriend breathed. “Thank you, thank you.”

It seemed he had been able to suppress the tears, but the shudders continued to rock his frame, concerning Fili the longer it went on. Kili shouldn’t come with them in this state, a voice in his head whispered and he knew it was right. But his love wouldn’t forgive him, not when he was so determined, and Fili didn’t want to risk losing him over something as this. He just hoped he wasn’t going to regret it.

When the others had ended their argument and began equipping, Kili pulled away, gifting him a thankful smile that looked completely wrong on his features. Kissing him gently on the cheek, Fili hoped to lure him away from the memories haunting him, but it seemed like the upcoming mission and the possibility of stopping Sauron was all the brunet had in mind right now. And so he decided to leave it at that, instead turning to his gear to get ready as well. His eyes staying on Kili the whole time, nevertheless.

 

 


	37. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the mission takes a sudden turn...

 

 

Kili avoided meeting anybody’s eyes until the capsule drove off towards the outskirts of the city. The atmosphere was heavy and tense while Dwalin gave the two units huddling inside the vehicle instructions about their strategy. It seemed like he was in charge, under these circumstances, of managing two units for the ambush. Fili listened attentively, trying to memories everything his commander said while the promise the blond had given Kili weighed on his mind. He felt still conflicted. It was quite plainly Kili wanted revenge, but Fili feared what might happen if his friend realised that Sauron’s death wouldn’t change anything for him. On the other hand, however, perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps he shouldn’t worry. Perhaps killing Sauron would bring closure and stop the nightmares and heal the pain in Kili’s soul. What did he know? Perhaps it would all be fine, although the voice in his head didn’t sound very convinced at this consideration.

There was barely enough time for Dwalin to tell everyone where they were supposed to take up position before the capsule arrived at its destination. Fili had only concluded the other unit would wait as a backup, hidden behind stonewalls and what else the ruins offered. He couldn’t help but wonder for a moment if Dwalin didn’t trust them as much as his own men, but he discarded this thought soon afterwards. He couldn’t imagine anyone allowing people to back them up if they weren’t trusting them in the first place. It might have a more practical reason for this decision, after all, unit four had taken out Smaug and Azog so far, it wasn’t really surprising the success of this mission was therefore put onto their shoulders.

They were quiet when they left the capsule, focused on what lay ahead of them. This time they didn’t have to climb out of a manhole. Crouching, they stepped instead out through a huge outlet tube, long since shut down and thus saving them from the fate of getting drenched in reeking, dirty water.

On their way the crossed mountains of rubble, the frail branches of a young tree having found its way out towards to the sunlight, lonely walls and shattered streets and windows. There was something eerie about these ruins, but at the same time strangely comforting. The night was silent, save for the echo of their steps resounding from high walls.

Just in time they managed to hurry to the rails and hide before the even buzzing of a capsule reached their ears. Fili’s heart was pounding like mad with adrenaline, while he tried to clear his mind, getting rid of everything that might distract him in the next minutes. He needed to be on alert and focused. Taking a deep breath to calm himself he waited for the vehicle to approach, checking his hood, scarf and crossbow as he did so. All of it was in place and ready.

He instantly covered his ears as he saw Bard’s dark figure move, throwing the little bomb at the capsule approaching. Fili remembered the last time far too well and wasn’t very keen on hearing that awfully high ringing in his ears again. His attempt, though, wasn’t very helpful. The detonation sent vibrations through the street and stone, causing the ruins to quake dangerously. Dust trickled down and Fili believed he could even feel the heat of the fire, the explosion had unleashed. Still, he was better prepared than the last time, the ringing wasn’t as bad and the sensation of cotton clogging his ears nearly non-existing.

When the other members of the unit started moving, Fili didn’t hesitate, following them and taking up his position at the back of the others, his weapon aiming at the access door of the capsule. At its side Bard and Kili were standing now, reaching for the heavy door and pulling it open. The expected charge, however, didn’t come. Although Fili’s hand at the crossbow was steady his whole body was strung to its breaking point with tension, not even daring to take a deep breath as he waited for an attack that had to come. Why was there no command? Why was it so quiet safe for the crackling of the fire.

The fire was also the reason that made it hard to understand what was going on, it’s light illuminating part of the ruins but coating the access to the capsule in a pitch black with its shadow. At least, after what felt like hours of unsettling waiting, but could’ve been in truth only a few seconds, Kili let the light of his flashlight shine into the capsule. Everything afterwards happened too fast for Fili to comprehend. He was too far away to catch a good enough glance at what was inside as Kili and Bard did. The next words, however, made his blood run cold.

“It’s a trap,” Kili shocked voice reached him. “Run!”

Fili barely had the time to turn around and break out into a sprint, before another explosion shook the earth, flinging him off his feet. The impact with the ground was painful and pressed the air from Fili’s lung. Lying on his side, his whole body aching,he inhaled deep gasps of air, tasting of hot dust and burned flesh. His breathing was echoing strangely in his own ears, accompanied by a penetrant ringing and the feeling of dizziness.

A jumble of shadows moved in front of his eyes while the world spun and swayed, even the ground he was lying on seemed to swing, making him nauseous and digging his fingers in the concrete in hopes to stop the endless motion. He felt sick and the air just wasn’t enough and he only heard the ringing and screams and... what had just happened? Where was he? Where was Kili?

It’ was that thought, which forced him to push his arms under his body and stagger to his feet, the sudden memory loss disappearing under the wave of fear and reminding him of the trap Sauron had set up. Waiting for them, perhaps bribing one of their spies to lure them into this ambush. They had believed themselves to be the hunters, when in truth they were the prey. Fili swayed for a moment, unsteady feet staggering and fighting for balance. His eyesight went fuzzy for a moment, only worsened by the darkness of the night, the fire flaring at the transport capsule not very helpful either.

The world was a cacophony of screams, of shooting and fighting, black shades caught in a death-feud, all of them looking the same to Fili in the missing light and with a wave of fear, Fili wondered if this was what war was like. A confused mess of people trying to survive. He didn’t know what to do. Whom help? Whom fight? Who was his comrade, who his enemy? What should he do? What? What?!

The decision was taken from his, as somebody tackled him to the ground, making him lose the air in his lung all over again. The hood slipped from his head has he scrambled, legs scratching over the concrete as he dealt a blow to his attacker. His knuckles smashed against flesh right above an ear, causing the other to howl with pain and giving the blond an opening to push the other from his body. Out of instinct he drew his weapon and shot, when he saw his enemy do the same. Fili watched with shock as the other fell to the ground, unmoving.

He had never killed before and with the rush of adrenaline surging through his system his mind couldn’t even comprehend what it meant. Fili only knew that he was shaking, that his heart pounded painfully against its enclosure and that his attacker would’ve done the same without missing a heartbeat, Fili had just been faster. No one had realised what he had done, too busy with fighting and shooting and it told Fili that he shouldn’t just huddle here and wait for someone to tell him what to do. It would kill him if he did. The thought seemed to reactivate his survival instinct, as he got to his feet again.

It was still a mess without even the sign for orientation, filling him with the sudden sense of fear and helplessness. He must’ve been only a black, motionless shadow in a battle of cruelty, his lack of movement turning him nearly invisible and a little part of Fili was glad for it, wanted to stay right here and pretend to be somewhere else, not caught in an ambush with the possibility of death in front of his eyes. But then his ears picked up a cry for help. He knew that voice and without thinking he bolted towards it.

Ducking and dodging from the threatful shadows. Somehow succeeding in finding the one he’d been looking for unscathed. Gimli kneeled at the side of an unconscious Legolas and even in the scarce light Fili could see, with sickness rising inside him, the dark pool of blood emerging around him.

“What happened?” Fili demanded to know, trying to find out where the blood was coming from.

Gimli only then seemed to realise he wasn’t alone at his friend’s side anymore. He blinked owlishly for a few heartbeats that stretched like a lifetime, the light of the fire reflecting in his wide young eyes.

“It’s the damn leg,” he hurriedly explained. “I don’t know if there is more, but his leg won’t stop bleeding!” The hysterical note in his voice even Fili’s frantic mind couldn’t miss as his hands wandered to the leg.

Gimli wasn’t part of the medic team, Fili recalled. He wasn’t either, but he had spent hours with it, learning how to do a pressure bandage. Gimli had tried to do so as well, the blond noticed not much later, finding the scarf of the redhead, but it wasn’t tight enough and already drenched with blood. Fili could barely suppress a dry heave as he pulled his own scarf off to bandage the wound.

Shit, was Legolas even still breathing? In the darkness he was unable to spot a rising and falling of the other's chest and felt immediately a new sense of dread gripping his heart.

Before he could check, though, Gimli suddenly got up, crossbow raised and fired a salvo of shoots at somebody behind Fili. Drawing his weapon himself the blond got to his feet as well, ready to defend himself and the injured lad at his feet, only for the crossbow to slip from his hands.

At first Fili couldn’t tell what had happened. Why his fingers didn’t obey him and his knees failed to support him from one moment to another. The world swayed and just a second later the blond wondered how he’d come to lie on his back. He thought he heard someone call his name, before whatever had happened to his body was finally registered in his head. A burning pain ate into his body, paralysing his lungs and forcing him to take short panting breaths. He moaned, every intake worsening the agony.

He was blind, drowning in pain, trying to escape but helpless. Every blink of an eye turning into centuries as every gasping breath drew a groan of anguish from him. A scream pierced through the fog of his consciousness, something that sounded like _Retreat!,_ but he could be wrong. Until strong hands grabbed him by the shoulders all of a sudden, erupting a scream of pain from his broken body, and pulling him along, his feet dragging over the ground.

Fili screamed and whimpered, unable to think straight, when every jostle to his body nearly choked him. By the time he was lowered to the cool floor of the capsule he was panting heavily, black dots dancing mockingly in front of his eyes. He spotted Lindir hovering over him, pressing something against his chest, but it merely increasing the burning inside him. Kili… where was Kili… he needed him, his soothing words, his hands stroking his hair... the kindness shimmering in the deep brown orbs.

Letting his head roll to the side Fili searched for him. There were others, many of them lying on the floor just like him. He saw Legolas, ghostly pale. There was Bifur, bleeding from his head. Bard’s arm looked badly burned. It was all so red… everyone seemed to be bleeding, even Dwalin, standing at the control console and trying to get them away from this place. But there was no Kili. Why couldn’t he find Kili?

Hit by a sudden wave of horror Fili tried to brace himself onto his elbows, only to be roughly pushed back to the ground.

“No! Lie still!” Lindir barked at him with a strange hint of urgency.

Fili barely heard him, eyes still searching for the man he loved and unable to find him.

“No!” He pressed with fright. “Where is Kili? Where is he?”

The panic chased the fog away, clearing his head slightly but nearly crushing him as understanding slowly seeped in. They had to get away fast, whoever didn’t manage to keep up was either dead or too far away to reach them in time before the capsule would depart.

“No!” He wailed, rearing up against Lindir’s firm grip. “No! You can’t leave him! We have to get Kili! You can’t do that! You can’t! No! No! Let me go! You can’t do that! Kili! Kili!”

 

 


	38. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the unit escapes...

 

 

Fili's mind was roaring with horror, all the pain in his body forgotten, drowned in the fierce need to keep Kili safe. He wanted to get up, to push the hands pinning him to the ground away, but even though he felt wide awake now his limbs still betrayed him, weakly trying to obey his command and failing miserably with every attempt. He wanted to scream and curse them for stopping him to get up and go out there to fetch Kili, to bring him home with them. How could they just stand here and leave one of their companions behind? They were a unit! They stood together! Although right now it seemed this sense of camaraderie was only reserved for non-life-threatening moments.

This couldn't be happening. He couldn't lose Kili like this. Not now. Fili hadn't even told him he was in love with him. It wasn't fair! Pleading with everybody that might hear him he begged to be let go, to be given a chance to go out there and die by Kili's side, to tell the brunet how much he was loved. How much time had they wasted, had he wasted... waiting for the perfect moment? What was a perfect moment worth if he wasn’t going to see his love ever again?

With a cry of desperation he fought against Lindir one more time, one last attempt. In was in vain like all the others. His comrade barked something and not much later Gloin appeared beside him as well, helping the other to restrain him, while Fili wiggled in their hold, craning his neck to glance at the door, still open even though it couldn't take much longer for it to close. The blond already felt the soft vibrations of the awakening capsule or perhaps it were his own shudders of terror, faced with Kili being left behind.

"No! Please!" He sobbed, knowing it wouldn't change anything, but trying nonetheless. "Please don't leave him."

"We are ready to leave!" Dwalin shouted. "Shoot any of them that tries to get in!"

Fili's vision blurred as he started crying helplessly. The door was moving.

"Wait!" Someone suddenly called.

Fili's throat hurt from the immense pressure building inside it and even though his eyes were burning with tears, the hand stopping the door from slipping shut couldn't be missed. His breath caught in his chest, the trembling of his lips halting at the sight and then Kili wormed his way inside.

The hood was torn, the scarf hanging loosely from his neck and blood staining his clothes. His bewildered eyes seemed to be looking for something and when he spotted Fili's outstretched arm, reaching for him, the brunet didn't hesitate but stumbled to his side. Kili was barely given the time to kneel next to him before one of Fili's hands digged its nails into his coat. Seeing his face and feeling the fabric soothed his frantic mind. Kili was here. Kili was safe. Oh, thank God. Thank God.

"Shit! Fili," Kili's wonderful voice sounded hoarse with emotions and Fili bathed in the feeling of relief it provided him with.

Closing his lids and leaning into the touch as Kili gently stroked his hair calmed him, the pressure of Lindir and Gloin vanished, not completely, but enough to be bearable, causing him to cry tears of happiness. His Kili was here with him. He was fine.

Though, he almost hadn't been. And just with this thought the regret and fear returned. Opening his eyes, he let the tears ran down freely the side of his head where they disappeared in his hair.

"I love you," Fili told him hurriedly. "I love you. I'm sorry I haven't told you this sooner. I waited too long and almost lost you. I love you!"

"Shh," Kili tried to soothe him, tears glistening in his eyes as well. "I know. I love you, too. But you need to stay calm. You are hurt. We will talk when you feel better. You need to rest or you will make yourself worse." His composed demeanour was belied by the little tremor accompanying his every word.

"But-"

Kili’s forehead was pressed to his before he was able to continue, allowing him to feel the other’s warm breath hitting his cheek, helping to dispel the panic. Kili was here. Kili was alive. This was all he needed, hearing him breathing, feeling him stroke his hair and seeing the brown eyes he loved so much.

"No. Try to rest, please. For me."

It was as if Kili had cut the last straw Fili had been holding on to as he nodded against the brunet’s brow. Yeah... he would do anything for Kili. Although with following his boyfriend's request it didn't take long for the agony to return and for him to drown in the dark waves of unconsciousness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The pain was what woke him again, a blinding fire devouring all his senses and leaving him naked and vulnerable and so utterly alone. His body was burning and Fili tried to crawl away from the pain, but he wasn’t even able to pull the knees to his chest, too lost in the haze of agony. There was a soft voice, but it was so far away the blond couldn’t even understand what it was saying, it seemed to drown in the noise of the fire.

There was light digging into his pupils, a light he even recognised through closed lids. It was too bright. It hurt. Gods, could no one make it stop?

He groaned, but his attempts to raise his arm to protect his eyes was fruitless, all parts of his body seemed so heavy… if he could even feel them at all. It was a strange sensation, knowing he was residing in a body but feelings barely anything besides pain. As if he wasn’t really there anymore. The thought scared him, he wasn’t given the time to dwell on it, though, since the darkness was pulling him back under its waves.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He leaned over to throw up. Hands were holding his trembling from, keeping him falling over. There was no strength in him, but still he reached and screamed when it agitated the source of the pain. Tears streamed down his face, sweat forming on his brow and he gagged and it didn’t seem to stop. This awful cupreous flavour on his tongue only worsening the urge the vomit.

“Go to Thranduil and tell him to unblock the regeneration tools!”

Someone shouted, Fili barely heard him over his own heavy breathing. He thought the person had to be arguing with someone else, since the guy with the order was talking again, his voice not losing strength and just as loud as the first time.

“Don’t argue! He will die otherwise!”

He briefly thought this ought to unsettle him, but focussing on anything but the pain right now required more than he was ready to offer. Blinking when the queasy feeling in his stomach abated for the moment, clearing the whole way for the agony once more, his sight turned out to be annoyingly fuzzy. More blinking wasn’t helpful either, but still Fili thought to spot a disgusting dark red puddle beside the cot. Huh… was there a reason why it was so red?

“I will give you something against the pain now,” a voice slurred right at his ear or was it his ears that made the words sound so weird? The voice definitely hadn’t slurred before. Why couldn’t there be Kili’s soothing voice? Fili was sure the brunet wouldn’t sound so strange.

He tried to say his name, perhaps then they would understand and fetch him. Fili wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. But his tongue seemed too weak to even form that one name and then he was already floating, the pain draining from him and sleep awaited him with a warm smile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The smell of antiseptic and clean sheets greeted Fili when he awoke again. The light in the small room was dimmed. Fili regarded it with a soft sigh while he tried to comprehend how he’d ended in a bed with his whole body feeling stiff and sore. With half closed lids he stared at the ceiling of the small room, instantly noticing it wasn’t his in Erebor, for most rooms might look the same, but the pattern on the ceiling wasn’t right and after living here for months and waking up to the same set of lines it was easy come to this conclusion, even with such a tired mind as his.

Fili didn’t try to hurry, though, took his time and noticed the leaden exhaustion in his bones. His mouth was dry and swallowing didn’t help. Slowly he turned his head, hoping to find a bottle of water and a cup on the bedside cabinet, but if there was, he wouldn’t know, for his gaze stopped immediately at the figure sitting in a chair beside his bed. Kili had bedded his arms on the edge of the mattress and his face buried in them, the even breathing telling Fili that the brunet was asleep. Despite knowing Kili was going to regret sleeping in such an uncomfortable position Fili couldn’t help but smile. Kili must’ve watched over him the whole time, he was still wearing the same clothes after all, save for the coat and the scarf of course.

He had been so close to losing him, although, if his memories didn't play a trick on him, he’d come very close to dying as well. They were lucky, Fili realised as he recalled what exactly had happened during their mission. A trap… among one of their informants had to be a spy, at least if that person spreading false information hadn’t been fooled as well. It was worrisome nonetheless, for there was either a traitor or Sauron had found out who provided Thorin with news. This knowledge added only more to the exhaustion he was already feeling.

At least they had gotten away. However, Fili had been too out of it with pain and his fear for Kili to truly notice if every one of them had managed to survive. What was with Gimli? He had been shooting when Fili was hit by who knew what. What of Legolas? Had they pulled him along as they had done with him? And if, how severe were his injuries? Question he needed to be answered, since he could already feel his heart hastening with worry and dread.

Waking Kili was out of question, though. If the brunet had sat here all the time, he needed to rest as well and furthermore, he might not even know more than him in this case anyway, if nobody told him. Fili had the feeling the medics had been busy with far more important stuff than stopping by and telling Kili how everyone was doing. Sighing, Fili tried to dispel the concern spreading through his chest… with moderate success. To distract himself he returned to his search for a water bottle, spotting one on the cabinet with relief.

Trying to reach for it, however, faced him with another problem. He could barely raise his arm and even the few inches he managed caused it to shake terribly. His fingers wouldn't be strong enough to hold the bottle, let alone open it. Lowering his arm with a resigned huff, Fili leaned his head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling, quarrelling with himself if he should wake Kili to get him something to drink. He swallowed, trying to figure out how urgent his need for water was… pretty desperate, if he had to be honest. Well… seemed like he had no other choice.

But before he could open his mouth to call his friend's name the door to the room suddenly opened.

 

 


	39. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili learns what happened...

 

 

The red hair was the first he noticed, before his memory reached for the name. Tauriel smiled friendly at him as she entered the room, closing the door as quietly as possible, probably because she had spotted Kili's sleeping form. Fili tried to return the smile, but couldn't say how well he managed with the tiredness holding his whole being captive. Still, he was grateful to see her, her presence was another proof of their safety in Erebor and after what he had been through his mind seemed thankful for every reason able to strengthen that fact.

With a few steps she'd bridged the distance between the door and the bed and looked him over with a mixture of concern and the inscrutable mask of a doctor.

"How are you feeling?" She asked him.

Fili tried to answer, but only a croak left his lips, followed by a coughing fit. His ribs ached under the force of the awful hacking feeling. Meanwhile Tauriel realised immediately what he needed and when the coughing ended not much later a drinking straw was placed in front of his lips. With a relieved sigh Fili welcomed the cool water it transported, soothing his burning throat almost on instant. Although the coughing fit had drained the last bit of energy from him, the blond still forced himself to answer Tauriel's question.

"Tired," he murmured simply, eschewing more words than necessary. "Sore."

The doctor nodded as if she'd expected something like that. "Anything else? Are you in pain?"

Fili shook his head. Surprisingly he felt quite alright despite soreness and even the slight ache after the coughing had disappeared again. It was strange, Fili thought it should be worse than that or was it just the pain medication making him feel like that. His confused expression must've caught Tauriel's eye, for she took a seat on the mattress and looked at him seriously.

"Do you remember what happened?"

Fili frowned, swallowing hard as he formed his answer. His tongue felt heavy under the knowledge of how close they had come to die up there.

"I heard Gimli scream and when I reached him he was trying to help Legolas. I was doing a pressure bandage and then Gimli was shooting and... I only remember pain...," he confessed.

"You were dying," Tauriel told him carefully.

Fili blinked at that... dying? He stared at the soft white blanket, while his mind tried to comprehend this new information. It had hurt... more than anything... the same kind of pain that had cut through him when Kili had hurt him to get the CAI out, just that this time the inferno hadn't risen from his belly, but had seemed located in his whole body.

"Let me show you," the redhead suddenly yanked him out of his thoughts.

Slowly the blanket was pulled down to his hips and the white shirt pushed up, revealing his bandaged torso. Fili's eyes widened at the sight. The bandage was white, no stain of blood covering it, but it still unsettled him greatly... his whole body seemed to be wrapped in it.

"You were hit by four bullets. One hit you here," Tauriel pointed at a spot right below his collar bone. "Another here and here." Waist and chest. "And the last one here," her finger hovered over his stomach. "You were bleeding in your stomach and throwing up blood."

"Then how-," he began, but wasn't able to finish the question sitting on the tip of his tongue.

"The regeneration tools of Rivendell Inc."

She didn't sound very hopeful or in any way positive while telling him that, allowing a feeling of dread to spread through him. Fili was barely able to feel the tiredness in his body with the nausea and his rapidly pounding heartbeat, hastened by worry.

"I'm sorry," she sighed as she sensed what her words must've unleashed in Fili. "So many were wounded... it isn't your fault. I just wish we had more of them. I wish we could've given everyone the treatment they deserved, instead of saving it for the life-threatening cases."

"Tauriel?"

"Legolas' leg looks bad. Without you he would have bled to death right there, but it’s still possible he is going to lose it."

The wave of nausea inside him increased, filling him with the urge to scream. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t lose his leg. This wasn’t right. Nothing of this awful fight was right! They had run blindly into a trap and even though Fili had tried… had tried to help the man that had saved his life and had become a great friend, but what for? To get shot? To take the important tools away from him, because he needed them more? Gods, this was so fucked up. Why couldn’t he be of any help for the unit? He wanted to fight, wanted to make the city a better place, but he got scared in fights and kept failing and failing and failing.

“Fili, no,” Tauriel’s gentle voice cleaved through his poisonous thoughts. “You have done nothing wrong. If you hadn’t bound his leg, Legolas wouldn’t be here with us. It’s not your fault. Nothing of this is your fault. It’s Sauron, not you. You didn’t hurt him, _he_ hurt all of us!”

Only then did Fili feel the tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them away with a heavy uncoordinated hand, cursing his weakened state for betraying his emotions like this. The guilty feeling abated a bit at the doctor’s soft words, but a part of it remained, constantly wondering if he could’ve done more to prevent it.

“It wasn’t just you,” Tauriel added. Fili couldn’t say if she continued to stop him from blaming himself or to inform him about the losses. Whatever the reason was, it caught his attention and caused his throat to feel tight with apprehension. “Unit one lost three men up there, their comrades witnessed and confirmed it. Your unit was lucky, everyone got out alive, but you, Bifur and Legolas were in pretty bad shape.”

Fili hadn’t known the people of unit one, they were faces he could barely remember, but he still felt shocked and had long started shaking. He knew they could die every day in a movement like this, but only now, that someone had truly died, seemed the knowledge to sink in, with all its cruel force. Death wasn’t uncommon, losing someone wasn’t uncommon, but the feeling of safety he had himself allowed to be lured into with living in Erebor for months was suddenly gone and the familiar agitation greeted him with a cruel smile.

“What happened to Bifur?” He asked, his memories hazy, offering no more than darkness, pain and blood.

“He took a bullet to the head.” Fili stared at her, mind completely blank. How could he have survived this? “He has yet to wake. We don’t know if there will be permanent damage. The regeneration tools can help to heal the wounds, but they can’t replicate dead parts of the brain. We will have to wait and hope for the best.”

Fili swallowed, unable to reply anything. Beside him Tauriel got up with a sigh.

“I know telling you to rest now feels nearly impossible. But I thought you deserved to know what happened and would rather learn of it sooner than later.”

She was probably right. Even if he’d been told later, he would have worried anyway, still, right now he just wished himself back into the time an hour ago, where he’d been blissfully unaware. They had been to careless, no one had really expected a trap, allayed by all the successful missions they had faced during the last years. And even through the city had taught Fili to be always on alert, he had made the same mistake and now they were paying the price. Three were dead, Legolas might lose his leg and no one could tell what kind of damage the bullet hitting Bifur had caused. Fili felt like a fool.

"I mean it," Tauriel told him sternly. "Try to rest. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for Kili. He was really worried about you. I have never seen him so beside himself."

At this Fili couldn't help but glance at his boyfriend, who was still sound asleep and hadn't taken notice of their conversation at all, perhaps currently wandering through the slow-wave sleep phase.

"How long have I slept?" Fili wanted to know, unable to take his eyes off his boyfriend.

"Only a day, this speaks volumes for your strength. I expected you to sleep for three days at least. But you will probably still feel tired and sore for the next days. The regenerating tools might have accelerated your cell proliferation and healed you, but it puts great strain to the body."

Fili hummed in understanding. In exchange for his life a few days of discomfort were a small price. Kili sighed softly in his sleep, causing Fili to smile. However, he couldn't shake off the feeling that something wasn't quite as it should be, but his tired mind seemed to need more time to process what he was seeing. His eyes were hurting, blurring his eye sight with tiredness from time to time and only complicating his attempt further. The blond frowned, willing himself to look closer and then, after what felt like a little eternity, it finally dawned on him.

"What happened with his hair?"

For indeed Kili's hair was some good inches shorter than before the mission.

"Oh, some of it got burned and singed by the explosion. It looked quite terrible and your mum offered to cut it for him while they were waiting for news of your condition."

Fili swallowed hard, his sluggish fingers stroking Kili's short, curly hair clumsily but tenderly. He hadn't wanted to worry neither his mum nor Kili. He knew how that kind of uncertainty and fear felt and wished it upon nobody. He would rest and take it easy for now, if not for himself then for these two. After scaring them like he did it was the least he could do.

"Where is my mum now?" He croaked.

"She has gone to bed a while ago, but I bet she will be back at your side as soon as she wakes up."

It wasn't that surprising, realising that Kili hadn't left him at all, while his mother had gone to bed. She was way more sensible, aware that exhausting herself now wouldn't help anyone. But Kili had always rather thought with his heart than with his head and even though Fili wished the brunet wouldn't have to wake up with an aching back and stiff neck, he couldn't help but feel grateful for his presence right now, even if he was only sleeping. Seeing him like that filled the air with a peaceful sensation, which was exactly what his agitated mind needed.

He yawned, barely able to keep his lids open and the tiredness in his bones wasn't helping him in his desperate fight to stay awake either.

Tauriel squeezed his shoulder gently.

"You should sleep."

And so he did. Even though sleep was the last thing on his mind his body made the decision for him and before Tauriel had gotten up and walked over to the door, Fili was already dozing, falling completely asleep with the soft click of a closing door.

 

 


	40. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili is released from the medical ward...

 

 

The next time he awoke to the loving embrace of his mother and Kili’s wobbly smile. Fili wasn’t even able to wake up completely before the arms of his mother engulfed him in a warm hug, allowing him to hear her weeping softly. The guilt returned with a force that pressed the air from his lungs. Clinging to her and begging for her forgiveness with whispered words, he tried to offer her some of the comfort she had so often given to him. Dis didn’t seem angry at all that there hadn’t been any time for him to say goodbye, which made it even worse. Fili knew how to deal with her if she was angry at him, but seeing her in tears like this made his heart constrict.

When she finally leaned back, Fili found himself only seconds later in another embrace, just this time it was the one of his boyfriend. They shared a quick kiss before parting again and plunged into a cautious conversation. It soon started to fade away when his weak body reminded him that more rest was appropriate. Neither Dis nor Kili seemed to mind and after another few hours of sleep the blond began to feel slowly like his old self again.

Some of his comrades came to visit him during that time, unfortunately carrying no news about Legolas and Bifur. They looked all shaken, acting fidgety and as if they didn’t know what to talk about. There was this unspoken agreement to avoid the topic of the trap, even though they wished for it to be addressed, to get some of it off their chests. The atmosphere between them therefore felt tense and awkward, while a strange sensation had covered Fili’s consciousness. He was still there and talking, but everything felt distant, as if it wasn’t him sitting in a bed, as if he was merely standing on the sidelines, watching what was going on, but unable to sense anything of it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kili didn't leave his side, wasn't listening to anyone that wanted to separate them so the brunet could go back to his work. He fought fiercely and with a vehemence that would've worried Fili a great deal, hadn't feeling become such a hard task.

Three days had passed since his first awakening after the terrible night, when Fili was finally allowed to return to his living cabin. Kili seemed equally happy and concerned about it. The blond tried to smile as he struggled out of his bed and changed his clothes. He had only one dizzy spell during the whole procedure and his boyfriend had been immediately at his side to support him. He offered the other a small smile in return - even though his emotions seemed to be buried in a deep fog, Fili would never like the fearful expression on Kili's feature.

At least the pain was slowly melting away, just like Tauriel promised. It wasn't going to take long now for his body to completely recover. But why did it still feel then, like he would never be whole again? Fili didn't know the answer and the last thing he would do was to talk to Kili about it, his friend seemed to worry too much already, there was no use in worsening that feeling.

Before they were able to leave the room of the medical ward the door opened. Fili's eyes widened with shock, the fog burned under the hot rays of sunlight, and everything came crushing back when he saw Thranduil enter.

Fili took a seat on the bed as the other blond asked him to, instantly noticing the mattress dipping beside him before Kili's arm wound around his shoulders, offering silent comfort. He couldn't feel anything of it, too lost in the speed of his painfully beating heart while he tried to prepare himself. But instead of throwing hateful words at him and blaming him for Legolas' condition, Thranduil simply heaved a deep sigh.

"I have come to apologise for my part in your treatment."

If it was even possible Fili's eyes widened only more.

"And I'm very sorry for the way I behaved during our first meeting. I thought you were like all the others in the beginning, that you were selfish and couldn't show compassion to anyone but the people you needed. Although I could acknowledge the reason for your escape and your return I still didn't trust you. And now you saved my son."

"I didn't really-," Fili tried to protest, but Thranduil raised a hand to silence him.

"Gimli told me what happened. You treated his leg, it's the only reason he didn't bleed to death and you nearly payed your helpfulness with your life."

He wasn't blaming him. Why wasn't he blaming him?

"Thank you for saving my son. I'm in your debt and should you ever need my help, you just have to ask."

"But his leg!" Fili revolted, his mind unable to comprehend what was just happening.

"Living with only one leg or perhaps a lasting limp is better than no life at all. I've seen the damage. You couldn't have saved his leg, but you could save his life."

With an ice cold sense of horror Fili noticed Thranduil's eyes to be gleaming with tears. He had never seen him like this. The blond had always appeared proud and perhaps a bit arrogant as well, but how much he loved his son Fili realised only now. It shouldn't surprise him so much, but it did and Fili felt the need to say something.

"I would do it again without batting an eye," he assured him.

Thranduil nodded.

"I didn’t expect any less."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The remaining part of the day was a quiet affair. Fili avoided the hubbub of the dining hall, with Kili volunteering to fetch them something to eat. He couldn't get Thranduil's words out of his mind, was still trying to comprehend that he wasn't blamed, even more so, that he'd done everything in his power to save his friend. And without realising it at first, his heart suddenly seemed several pounds lighter. Perhaps tomorrow, if he'd finally come to terms with this new knowledge, he would ask if it was possible to visit Legolas. There was a good chance he wasn't allowed, if Thranduil's vague talking about the leg was anything to go by, but if there was even the slightest chance they would let him see him, then Fili wanted to seize it.

He went to bed early, thankful for the arms of his boyfriend around him that offered the feeling of safety when he needed it more than ever.

_…_

_Someone was screaming, smoke in the air triggering a coughing fit, but his body felt so heavy Fili wasn’t able to move. Raising his head sluggishly he tried to figure out where he was. Shapeless forms moved around him, saying something which meaning Fili couldn’t catch._

_Their mission must’ve failed._

_…_

_Oh… of course, they had tried to ambush Sauron, but it had been a trap. He’d gotten wounded and now they were trying to escape._

_His eyes began to roam through the transport capsule, looking for Kili, but unable to find him. Dread filled his senses the longer he couldn’t spot him anywhere. He had to be outside!_

_“No!” He pressed with fright. “Where is Kili? Where is he?”_

_The dark shapes ignored his screams, talking and moving as if he wasn’t lying to their feet. This couldn’t be happening… they couldn’t leave him here. Why was nobody looking at him? Why was nobody trying to wait for Kili? This wasn’t right. He was their mate! He was Fili’s boyfriend! He was the man he loved! They couldn’t just tear them apart like this without even trying to save Kili!_

_Fili felt his breath hitch with panic as the vibrations of the awakening capsule run through his body._

_No… no… no… nonononono!_

_"No!_ _Please!" He sobbed, knowing it wouldn't change anything, but trying nonetheless. "Please don't leave him."_

_Why wouldn’t his body move? With all his might he pressed against the floor of the capsule, but his limbs seemed bound to the ground. He wasn’t even able to twitch a muscle, could only raise his head and stare with horror at the door._

_"We are ready to leave!" Somebody shouted. "Shoot any of them that tries to get in!"_

_Fili's vision blurred as he started crying helplessly. The door was moving, slowly sliding shut._

_“Wait! Wait!” Kili’s cries cut through the jumble of voices._

_The blond held his breath, a gleam of hope settling inside his chest at the voice of his best friend. He would make it! They would all get out of here! No one was going to die! It wouldn’t matter that Fili couldn’t move and no one was listening to him. He was already able to see Kili’s outstretched hand reaching for the door-_

_-which slid shut with a hissing noise._

_Disbelieving wide eyes stared at the closed door, as if just looking at it long enough was going to open it and allow Kili to enter the capsule after all._

_Kili wasn’t inside… he was out there… they had left him… they had… they had… Fili had lost him… again… again… again…_

_He couldn’t breathe. His chest felt too tight as he was left in a darkness covering him like a blanket, gasping Kili’s name, but receiving no answer. He was gone. Forever. No smiles, no laughs, no hugs, no jokes, no warm sparkle in his eyes. Gone. Such a simple word that resounded in his head like a siren. Fili wanted to cry, but there was no air in his lung. Fili wanted to hit something, to kick, to bite, to shatter the darkness, but he couldn’t move._

_With a sob Fili broke._

He bolted upright with a cry, arms coming up around him, pulling him to a broad chest while he struggled against the hold and fought for breath.

“Shh, Fili. It’s me! You had a nightmare!”

It was Kili’s voice, but it sounded so far away. The arms holding him… their touch like a fleeting brush of a feather. It wasn’t enough. Too far away. Why wasn’t he closer? He needed him closer, needed his touch, his smell, his soft voice and it wasn’t there. How could he be so close and still so far away? Fili’s hands wandered over fabric, pushed it aside to feel warm skin. It felt wrong, as if his fingers were numb or Kili a mere illusion of his frightened mind.

The thought increased the panic. Why couldn’t he feel him? He needed to feel him! Needed to know he was close.

“Fili?” Was his name muttered with a hint of fear? With happiness? Love? Agitation? He didn’t know. It sounded so monotonous in his ears. So wrong. This was all wrong.

Clinging to the brunet in the dim light of the room Fili crashed their lips together in a messy kiss. Their teeth hit hard enough to hurt and Fili whimpered with delight. He had felt that! He had felt that whereas he still couldn’t tell if the hands at his body were welcoming or trying to push him away. Guiding Kili’s hand into his hair he urged him to pull, drawing a cry of the pain from his throat and a smile to his lips. It worked.

“Take me,” Fili breathed against the brunet’s lips. “Claim me. Make me yours.” His body was shaking with panic, breathing erratic.

“Fili-” Kili began to protest.

“Please,” the blond all but sobbed. “I need to feel you. Need to know you are here with me. Please!”

“Okay,” the quiet answer nearly caused him to break into tears.

The following minutes passed by in what seemed like a hypnotic trance. Fili didn’t feel present at all as he watched Kili search for the lube longer than Fili thought it should take and couldn’t care any less that his boyfriend only undressed Fili in pulling his bottoms off while leaving the rest of him fully clothed. His mind was still going haywire, forcing him to grab for Kili as soon as he was close again, fearing the brunet would disappear if he let go of him for too long.

The tremors rocking his body only started to diminish when two fingers suddenly pushed inside him and began to prepare him carelessly. The burning coming along with it cleared his head and had him sobbing with relief. He could feel that, oh, he could feel that. Kili was here with him, working him open, giving him what he wanted. He wasn’t in the city, left behind by his mates, he was here, here with him. Oh thank God, thank God.

Fili didn’t think he was hard when Kili pushed inside him after barely enough preparation. The pain got worse, making him realise his boyfriend had stinted on the lube, but he simply welcomed the raw burning, thankful for the way it scared off the panic. The brunet had never been this rough with him… he must’ve understood immediately that it was what Fili needed right now.

He clung to the pain, to Kili’s grunts reaching his ears and the sound of skin slapping against skin, as he tried to inhale his sanity with erratic, panting breaths. His sight clarified, noises became sharper and the feeling returned to his body, allowing him to realise how painfully his fingertips had to dig into Kili’s shoulders. Loosening his tight hold, he pressed his lids shut and gritted his teeth as he began to breathe against the pain.

It was okay. He’d wanted it like this. It would be over soon.

But even though Fili told himself this a few times it still felt like an eternity until Kili finished inside him and finally pulled out. The blond didn’t dare to move, as if the burning would rip his lower half apart.

Shit… he wished Kili hadn’t listened to him.

“Are you okay, Fili?” His boyfriend wondered.

He almost snapped at him, but stopped himself at the last moment. He had wanted it. Taking a deep breath to dispel the pain from his voice, he opened his eyes. “Yes, I’m okay,” he replied, although he felt anything but.

Kili smiled softly, before leaning down and brushing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“I will fetch a cloth to clean up,” his boyfriend told him.

And just when he stood up Fili spotted something that made his blood run cold. The scar on his belly was missing.

 

 


	41. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili informs the others...

 

 

Fili stifled a cry as he stood up and limbed over to the closed door of the bathroom. Without thinking he grabbed for a chair, pushed it under the door handle and took a deep breath to fight against the new sense of panic settling inside him.

“Fili?” A muffled voice reached his ears and a knocking at the door called his attention. “Fili, I can’t get out. Did you lock the door?”

It was Kili’s voice… but it wasn’t Kili. Fili couldn’t have hallucinated the missing scar, the light had been good enough and he had been sure his boyfriend was with him, there was no reason his mind could’ve made it up. This was Kili’s CAI!

But if he was here… then where was the real Kili?

The tremors returned to his body, causing him to break out in cold sweat with dread and pain. Had Kili been killed? But the CAI had worn his clothes, hadn’t he? He couldn’t have imagined it, even as hurt as he’d been during the escape some of the other would’ve noticed it. So they must’ve met at some point of the ambush and then what? Had the CAI murdered its original? If so why had the thing decided to come with them? How could it even know Kili was his boyfriend and act according to that knowledge? Fili needed to think, needed answers to these questions, it wasn’t that easy, though, with the panic hampering his breathing, causing every inhale to hurt his lung.

And what should he even do? Open the door and try to overpower him? This would be ridiculous, especially in the state he was in, with pain stabbing through him with every careless movement. But he needed answers, needed to know what had happened to Kili. If he’d lost him… this time for good… the suddenly lump in his throat pressed a sob through his lips, while tears had begun to blur his vision.

Help… he needed help.

The noise behind and the rattling at the door got stronger and louder, but so far the chair still seemed to manage, looking stable enough that Fili dared to limp over to the communication system of his cabin and call Bilbo in the centre, since for contacting him no number was required and in his current state Fili feared he would end up messing them up. Bilbo answered already during the first audible signal coming from the system.

“Fili, what can I do for you, lad?” The blond was greeted by a kind voice.

“Send help,” Fili rasped with panic. “This isn’t Kili with me here. This is a CAI.”

“Wait- what?” Bilbo asked, sounding completely gobsmacked. “There is no CAI of Kili,” he began to argue, but Fili interrupted him.

“Yes, there is and he is in my cabin! He doesn’t have his scar, Bilbo! Send help!”

Though, if Bilbo didn’t know about Kili’s CAI – like the most here – he wouldn’t know about the scar as well, but perhaps he thought Fili was talking about a different scar, since the blond’s frantic begging seemed to be answered.

“Okay, you stay where you are, I will call Dwalin and some of the others.”

“Thank you. Thank you,” Fili breathed with relief, before a crackle in the line told him Bilbo had hung up.

Afterwards Fili began the painful search for his trousers. Getting into them, once he had found them, was even worse and took it’s time. When he was done he returned to the door, ensuring it was still locked with the position of the chair. The CAI was still asking to be let out. Closing his eyes Fili leaned against the wall and inhaled a deep breath. He wondered briefly when the understanding might finally sink in that he just had sex with a person he believed to be Kili. A person he hadn’t wanted, a person he had only allowed so close, because he had thought to see his boyfriend in him.

How could he have missed it? Of course, there was still some unfamiliarity in their relationship, but Fili had truly believed himself considerate enough to tell the real Kili apart from his CAI. Instead he hadn’t noticed anything. They were both at fault here, had drowned in their love for one another and forgotten about the years between them. If Fili was honest with himself, then this was why he could be deceived. They hadn’t really talked about the last seven years. Sure, he knew what the brunet had been forced to endure, but this wasn’t a compensation for their silence in other areas. No talk about what their lives had been like, what they loved, what they hated, what made them sad, what they were dreaming about, what they learned, how they suffered, laughed, hoped. They had tried to continue where they had left off and in exchange were now oblivious to important parts of themselves.

He didn’t really stand a chance to see through that CAI’s charade. He knew how to act like the Kili of seven years ago and in his own poor state Fili had allowed himself to be fooled. And if Fili had lost him now, without the opportunity to change where they had went wrong with their relationship… he wasn’t sure if he could live with it. The CAI was with them now for almost four days. If they had missed their chance to save Kili, because Fili hadn’t noticed something wasn’t right… there might be others here that hadn’t realised the real Kili to be missing as well, but they hadn’t spent much time with the CAI since their precipitate return and had probably been busy with helping the wounded. Fili was really the only one, who could’ve noticed anything and it needed a missing scar for him to finally realise it.

It must've taken Dwalin, Feren and Glóin mere minutes to arrive, but for Fili it felt like a lifetime until the door to his cabin was finally opened. Who he hadn't expected to come with them was Ori. The blond stared at his friend with surprise, the reproaches slipping his mind for a few seconds, before Dwalin yanked them back into reality.

"Where is it?" the bald man demanded to know, his eyes worriedly roaming over Fili's body, as if he tried to find some sort of injury the CAI might have inflicted.

"I locked him into the bathroom," the blond replied. The sense of relief flooding him at the sight of Dwalin's broad build was waning fast, returning all those nagging thoughts and putting him in a familiar state of agitation.

Had it really been only some minutes ago that he awoke from a nightmare – a nightmare that had turned out far too real by now – that he had asked a CAI to fuck him? What a moron he had been. He should have noticed during the act that this person wasn't Kili. How could he believe for one second Kili would ever be this brutal with him, when all the brunet had offered him so far was time and gentleness? This was when he should've realised it, if he couldn't manage sooner, then this had been the moment to notice, instead it was the scar.

"Has it hurt you, laddie?" Dwalin asked, a spark of worry shining on his features.

Fili cringed inwardly at he thought of the sex... sex he had only consented to because he'd believed his partner to be Kili. All of a sudden a shudder went through his body, causing Fili to fold the arms in front of his chest in a poor attempt to supress them. Swallowing hard, the blond forced himself to meet Dwalin's gaze, who looked even more concerned right now, if this was even possible for a man with his bearing.

"What will you do with him? Will you kill him?" He wondered instead of answering the bald man.

"No," Dwalin replied, although the gun in his hand didn't look very reassuring in that matter. "Only if it leaves us no other choice. There are some questions we could need some answers to," he growled and Fili knew immediately that he was talking about the trap they had run into.

"I want to be there when you question him," Fili demanded hurriedly. He needed to know... needed to know if Kili was dead.

Dwalin didn't protest, he simply nodded, before he gave him a sign to step out of the way, so they could flank the door. In the bathroom the CAI had gone quiet and with a jolt Fili wondered if it might have some sorts of orders that included a procedure should his cover be blown.

Trying to silence the new sense of panic attacking him, Fili limped aside, catching Dwalin's attention once more, the giant grabbed his arm to stop him, just when the blond was walking past him.

"What has it done?" He asked in a low voice, too low for the others, taking up position at the bathroom door, and Ori, waiting at the entrance to Fili's living cabin, to make out. On the one hand Fili was thankful for his discretion, but on the other he could feel his ears burn with shame.

"I thought he was Kili," Fili simply said.

Thankfully Dwalin seemed to understand what he was trying to tell him with this.

"Go to Oin and let him look at you." Just at the thought Fili's lowered his head with embarrassment. "Don't," Dwalin added, as if reading what was going on in the younger man's head. "You haven't survived those awful wounds to die now because an infection might set in. Go to Oin and let him have a look, just to be safe. Take Ori with you and I will send for you, when we question this thing."

Fili felt like protesting, felt like defending him since Fili had asked the CAI to sleep with him and not the other way round. But he was too ashamed to discuss the pain he was feeling in a certain area of his body with Dwalin. Therefore he merely nodded, before limping towards his friend.

Ori embraced him immediately, shaking even more than Fili.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Fili lied. Because what else was there to say? Ori was worried, Ori meant well and he didn't want to snap at him, for how could he or anything be alright, if Kili might be still out there? Dead or worse? Blinking against the approaching tears Fili broke the hug, sensing that if it would go on for much longer he wouldn't be able to stay composed.

Ori led him away, while screaming voices echoed through the hallway.

"Hands to the wall!"

Fili shuddered once more.

"Are you sure it isn't Kili?" Ori asked him when they reached the elevators.

"He didn't have the scar," Fili mumbled, keeping the strange things a secret he'd noticed, but failed to interpret them as what they were.

 

 


	42. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the CAI is interrogated...

 

 

Fili felt like dying of shame when Oin examined him, while Ori waited on the other side of the door. The guilt hadn’t stopped eating at him and the current situation was only pulling him down further. He couldn’t stop thinking about Kili. Where he was, what Sauron might do to him… He should’ve noticed something. Fili claimed to love him but wasn’t even able to tell the real Kili apart from his CAI. What a fine boyfriend he was playing.

“It looks alright. Sore, yes, but nothing got torn. The pain should cease soon. If it doesn’t or you feel extreme pain while at stool, you come to me again, understood?”

Fili’s cheeks were burning with humiliation as he nodded. The doctor, though, looked completely unfazed. Of course, medicine and everything about it was part of his daily routine and probably not a big deal, but for the blond discussing these things was something so utterly uncomfortable, he just wanted to curl up and die. Instead he nodded and promised Oin he would stop by again, if he didn’t feel better in a couple of days.

Oin sighed deeply while Fili got dressed again.

“I heard the news about the lad… is… is it certain he is one of them?”

A sudden tightness sat within Fili’s throat as he met the hopeful gaze of the other man, knowing he would be responsible for ripping the last shred of optimism from him.

“The scars are missing,” he simply replied, it was easier than a _yes_ and protected him from following questions.

The signs on his body were an unmistakable proof. The medicine might’ve developed greatly over the last decades, it still hadn’t managed to stop scarring, however. Oin’s shoulders slumped at the reply and he wiped a hand over his eyes in a jittery motion. From one moment to another he looked a lot older.

“You… ah… you can go now,” his voice wavered dangerously, as he sunk heavily into one of the chairs. “I… I still have… so-some things I need to… get done.”

Fili chest constricted painfully, seeing the other man fight with the tears and emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. Wondering for a second if he should stay and try to comfort the other man, he decided against it in the end. He would probably just make it worse and turn into a crying mess himself and Oin had asked him for some privacy, so imposing was the last thing he wanted. What had the other man in such a state wasn’t so hard to guess, but Fili refused to give this notion breeding ground for thought.

There was no way on earth Kili was dead. He would feel it, if he was, wouldn’t he? Then again he never would’ve guessed to mistake the brunet with his CAI…

Shaking his head vigorously, Fili left the examining room and met with Ori outside. After slowly explaining to him that he was alright, while he tried to ignore the pain shooting through his lower half with every step, the headed for the next control panel of the communication system and called Bilbo to find out where the CAI had been brought to.

Fili needed to be present, needed to hear with his own ears what had happened, needed to know where _his_ Kili was.

When they reached the room the interrogation was taking place, it turned out no one had waited for him. Dwalin greeted him with an apologetic glance, whereas Thorin was walking back and forth in front of the chair the CAI had been tied to.

“Answer me!” Thorin bellowed, slapping the Kili’s copy forcefully when the silence seemed to continue longer than he was willing to wait.

Fili flinched at the sight, taking an unwitting step forward. Even though he hadn’t intended on interrupting the other, a hand grabbed him nonetheless. Feren gazed at him with a mixture of warning and sympathy.

“The face is a mask,” he murmured to him. “Don’t let it fool you. It’s not Kili.”

Fili knew, of course he knew, he had been the one to notice it. Still, the CAI was Kili’s copy and therefore, in a way, it was Kili. Let alone that Thorin’s methods rather seemed like those of a madman and not the leader of a rebellion that attempted to change the world for the better. To Fili he looked violent and unpredictable right now and that was never a good sign.

Then again, Kili and Thorin had been close… it was also possible that Thorin was simply breaking apart. All the more reason, why he shouldn’t be the one to perform the interrogation, on the other hand, though, who would be the right choice? There was no one here, who didn’t value Kili as a comrade and friend.

“I will ask you one last time,” Thorin snarled. “Who is the traitor and why did Sauron send you here?”

The CAI met his eyes without fear. The empty expression hadn’t once left his features. It wasn’t surprising. Considering everything Fili knew about them, they couldn’t feel fear in such a situation, if it wasn’t part of the emotional experiences of their host.

Watching the scene enfolding from the side, an evil smile wandered to Thorin’s lips as the seconds ticked by and the CAI still wasn’t responding.

“You might not be able to feel scared around us, but there is one thing you will feel. Your body is organic and every sort of pain will be transported through your neural pathways.” He turned around to his men observing his actions, his gaze came to a rest on Feren. “Get me surgical instruments and ask Tauriel to join us, I don’t want him bleeding out on me before I’ve got my answers.”

An ice-cold wave of shock surged over him, as Fili understood what Thorin was about to do. With wide eyes he saw Feren nod, ere he left the room. The only one that looked equally shocked as him was Ori.

“Wait, you can’t-,” he tried to protest.

“This is the only way to get it to talk,” Thorin interrupted him gravely. “I’m giving it an easy way out.”

“But they are indoctrinated! You yourself told me! This might not even work!”

Did they truly want to lower themselves on Sauron’s level? So far he had been the villain, torturing people with the CAI and terminating them in the blink of the eye. They wanted to claim to be better than him, but wanted to use equally disgusting methods? This CAI hadn’t asked to be created! Hadn’t asked to be used! Hadn’t asked to be put into the same room as Sauron’s enemies! This… this was sick.

“I’m not going to discuss this with you, Fili.”

“But you can’t just torture him! You have barely tried to talk!”

“I talked enough.”

“I only saw you throwing punches! That doesn’t look very encouraging to me!” Fili snarled.

“Fili,” someone of the unit whispered warningly.

Thorin was glaring at him, obviously displeased with his lack of obedience.

“If we torture him we are no better than Sauron!”

“Being better like him has never helped us in any way against him.”

“That’s not the point!” Fili exclaimed. “How can we claim to be the better people, to free the world of his terror and threat if we are using the very same tools?”

A muscle in Thorin’s face was twitching dangerously.

“You want to be the better person?” he asked him, waiting for Fili to break eye contact at the intimidating stare he sent into his direction. Fili didn’t back down, holding his ground fiercely. “How about you talk with him then? Let’s see how great your way will work. You have time until Tauriel arrives, if it hasn’t said anything until then, you will back down and let me do my work!”

“Fine!” Fili shot back.

Curse that stubborn bastard and his disgusting beliefs. If there had ever been a likeable character under all that rage it had disappeared long ago. Besides, where were Balin and Thranduil? Did they approve of this madness? Or had Thorin simply not informed them about the techniques he would use for interrogation? Whatever it was, it was fucked up and Fili wanted to have nothing to do with it.

Therefore he hurried over to the brunet, determined to lose as little time as possible and crouched down so he was looking up at the bound figure.

“Hey, Kili,” he called him softly.

The CAI blinked at this different approach, meeting his gaze for a brief second, ere his eyes wandered to his thigh, where Fili was resting one of his hands gently. Behind them, he could her Thorin snort. The blond ignored it.

“How about the two of us are talking for a little, what do you think?”

Silence was his answer.

Fili swallowed, suddenly feeling his former confidence slipping away. He had hoped to achieve something with kindness, but despite a glance the CAI didn’t appear like it was particularly caring for his intervention. And really, what had he thought he would be able to accomplish? If the CAI had been ordered to keep quiet in case of revelation, he would. There was no sense of danger he needed to understand to cooperate, because this feeling couldn’t evolve out of nowhere. Kili had never been in such a situation and therefore the CAI wasn’t able to react like they wanted.

Wait… Kili… Kili was the key. The emotions and memories the brunet had given to the CAI were what the blond had to appeal to. And if Fili knew one thing about Kili, then that he had been in love with him long before the CAI-incident.

“Do you love me, Kili?”

“What kind of nonsense is this?” Thorin grumbled under his breath.

The CAI stared at him with wide eyes until Fili believed this to be a failed attempted once more, but then nodded slowly.

“I do,” he replied quietly.

“I have a hard time believing it,” Fili told him softly.

He would’ve preferred to do this differently, to talk to him without manipulation. There weren’t many options, though. Not with the ultimatum Thorin had given him and Kili’s life in possible danger.

“What? Why?” the CAI asked him, a hint of desperation audible in his voice.

“You aren’t telling us anything. You know what Sauron wants to do with everyone here. He will do the same with me and you are helping him,” Fili explained slowly. “You are helping him to kill me. How can you let that happen, if you love me?”

“No, I’m not… I… I don’t want to see you die,” he stammered helplessly.

“Prove it, Kili. Prove it. I’m trying to protect you from pain, but you…,” Fili left the sentence unfished.

“How? I love you, Fee! Please, believe me! I don’t want to see you hurt!”

“If you don’t want to see me hurt, then you have to tell us what Sauron is planning. You have to help us, there is no other way.”

The CAI seemed to process this information, while Thorin had gone completely silent. A torn expression wandered to Kili’s features.

“I’m not… I’m not allowed. I’m supposed to… to…”

“Kili,” Fili called him gently. “Who is more important to you? Me or Sauron?”

“You,” he croaked immediately, as if he didn’t have to think about it. This thought was encouraging.

“Then please, tell us what we need to know.”

The brunet averted his eyes for a moment, his shoulders tensing as he took a deep breath. Eventually he raised his head again, their gazes meeting, and gave him a tiny nod that would’ve been easy to miss if the blond hadn’t paid such close attention.

As the door opened and Tauriel entered the room, his gazes darted from one person to another. For the blink of an eye Fili feared Thorin was going to carry out his threat, but when the stern man simply looked at him expectantly, Fili heaved a silent sigh of relief and focussed back on the CAI.

“Is there a traitor among us?”

Kili shook his head.

“No, you just got too careless.”

Fili frowned up at the brunet.

“How do you mean?”

“Before Smaug died, he was responsible for stopping your attempts. It was obvious that you were trying to stop the ORC project. It was the only attack to his company and to a section he couldn’t report to the police, so that doesn’t leave many options. He is aware that Thorin and Thranduil have to be behind it, since they are his only employees that disappeared out of the blue.” 

Thorin cursed, while the other men began to murmur urgently with one another, trying to process the information the CAI was offering them.

“Sauron wasn’t happy with Smaug’s slow process, but trusted him to solve it, but then he died and… Sauron began to make his own plans. The convoy with Azog was the first move. There were cameras installed to the transport capsule.”

“Azog was a pawn sacrifice,” Fili realised.

Kili nodded.

“Azog believed he could defeat you. He was arrogant and Sauron didn’t care what happened to him, as long as he received useful footage.”

“And he got such footage?” Thorin asked as he moved over to them, towering over the CAI like a dangerous animal with his folded arms and dark scowl.

“He got a glimpse at Kili’s face, when the hood and scarf slipped and the face recognition of his system did the rest. You had him and Sauron had me.”

A horrifying thought crossed his mind, hastening his heartbeat and hampering his breathing as tremors possessed his body. With wide eyes he tried to find the answer to his unspoken questions in the face of the CAI, but Kili’s features stayed mostly motionless. Of course he would, he couldn’t feel the same sort of panic that was trying to choke Fili.

“They replaced you,” Fili dared to utter quietly.

Seeing the other nod hurt like a physical punch, forcing him to bend over with nausea. This wasn’t happening… it couldn’t! But the brunet continued:

“Sauron would have taken anyone, as long as it would get him the information he needed. But he wasn’t sure if your people might be instructed to kill themselves on an impending captivity and therefore it was planned to grab Kili first and worry about other captives later.”

Fili’s mind seemed blurry from all the new knowledge he needed to process and the terrible fear, squeezing his heart so tightly until he thought it was going to rip his chest apart, certainly wasn’t helping him to remain calm enough to deal with any of this. His hand slipped from Kili’s knee in favour to press it to his mouth, supressing a dry heave. They had… they had…

They had planned a trap… they had grabbed Kili… the image of his friends torn clothes returned to his mind, slightly hazy, but much clearer than anything else wandering through his mind right now. Did it come from a fight, when they stripped Kili or had they sedated him and just torn them in their haste of sending a CAI back with them? The singed hair… it was a form of disguise, probably because the hair of the real Kili had been longer. The reason the CAI had demanded to stay with him from the moment Fili had been wounded… how much of it was honest worry due to the real Kili’s feelings for him and how much calculation to lay low? To make sure no one found out Kili had been replaced until…

“What are they going to do with Kili?” Thorin wondered, his voice was wavering slightly and when Fili glanced at him, the other man had his arms no longer folded, but was clenching his fists with, what had to be, barely repressed anger.

“They want to know where you are. So either he is going to tell them to save them time…, but I don’t think he did, otherwise they would’ve stormed this place a while ago, or-“

“They are going to inject him again,” Thorin growled.

Fili closed his lids with anguish. Hadn’t he lived through enough? Did they have to do it to him again? Even worse, this time there was no reason for them to keep him alive after the CAI was grown. They would get their information and get rid of Kili…

No… no… no! They couldn’t let that happened! They had to do something! They had to save him! Sauron was sick and dangerous and needed to be stopped! An attack… they had to plan an attack… stop Sauron before…

He wasn’t able to finish his thoughts, for Thorin suddenly turned to the others, silently experiencing the same horrors and began to speak:

“Go through the levels, inform everyone to pack their things. Before the end of the day this place has to be evacuated. Ori!” he called the lanky redhead. “Call Bilbo, tell him he as to get in touch with Stormcrow. We need a new hideout, this one is no longer safe.”

Only one man could be meant by this name, but Fili wasn’t wasting any energy on it, too shocked with the realisation that Thorin wasn’t trying to plan a rescue mission. He was going to abandon Kili to his fate.

 

 


	43. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili makes a decision...

 

 

It took longer than he liked to overcome the state of shock rooting his feet to the ground. Most of their comrades had already left to follow Thorin’s instructions with only Ori stayed behind to cast a worried glance at Fili, but a vigorous bark by their leader made him hurry out of the room at last.

Thorin meanwhile was walking over to the trolley that had arrived at their whereabouts at the same time as Tauriel. He reached for a syringe and a little bottle and began to draw up the clear liquid.

How could Thorin walk around so calmly, when Kili was tortured and put through the same ordeal he had already managed to survive? He had fought so hard to push the pain and trauma away. Fili remembered their conversation far too lively after the brunet had awoken from a nightmare, confessing that he wouldn’t be in this world anymore if it wasn’t for Throin, that he was messed up and needed all kinds of support to go into the city again, to work for the movement. Thorin had been important in his life and by the sight of them together after Kili returned from the world above the surface, wounded and exhausted, Fili had truly believed this to be mutual feeling.

Kili, however, would never abandon Thorin to such a fate. He had believed Fili to be safer without him and therefore their long separation had hurt each other, but this was different. When Fili needed help, Kili had been there, Thorin on the other hand was turning away.

Thorin walked towards the CAI, the syringe in his hand looking like a bringer of bad luck.

What was this about? What was he planning? Still shocked by Thorin’s despicable decision Fili had a hard time pulling his mind away from the terrible future that awaited Kili. The CAI was regarding the other man with an eerily empty expression. The blond’s eyes widened, when it finally dawned on him.

“Stop!” he screamed, planting himself in front of Thorin.

The other’s features darkened with anger.

“Move out of the way,” he snarled.

“You can’t kill him! He helped us!”

“Not out of its free will, as I reckon.”

Fili met Thorin’s glare without fear. This was going too far. Fili had stood by and accepted a lot of things. He had allowed Thorin to treat him like a worm, like a child that had no idea about the dangers in the world and perhaps he was even right to think of him that way, since the blong didn’t have the slightest idea that Sauron and the CAI existed before Kili saved his life. Nevertheless, Thorin’s actions had been questionable at best, but they had helped them in their fight, had helped to protect, right now however he just wanted to destroy and Fili wasn’t ready to forsake his last bit of compassion. Not for Thorin at least.

“As if he had a choice in that matter! You are blaming him, but you don’t look at him. What you see in him is Sauron. But he isn’t Sauron! He is a victim just like everyone else. And most importantly, he is Kili! You can deny this fact as long as you like, but it won’t chance the fact that he is a genetic copy of the young boy you saved!”

“So what are you asking of me? To let it live? So it can turn on us later? Or to leave it here for Sauron to find, so it can tell its master everything about us? I don’t think so.”

“Turn on us? Why would he turn on us? He just helped us! Besides, I shouldn’t be the one fighting for him right now! You should be fighting for him!”

Thorin seemed so taken aback at Fili’s outburst, as if he wasn’t certain if he should laugh or rage at Fili’s suggestion. To the blond there was nothing funny about it. It was a thought that had hit him out of the blue, seeing Thorin forsake Kili had reminded him of even more people he was abandoning and hurting for his own mistakes.

“You are responsible that he exists! You created the CAI! You made him the way he is! In a way they are all your children and only do what you programmed them to do! You have a responsibility! You owe them a lot more than you they owe you!” Fili felt like he was bursting from the anger and disappointment boiling in his chest.

“I am trying to fix my mistakes,” Thorin growled, holding the syringe to tightly the blond was surprised it hadn’t broken yet.

“It doesn’t look like you are fixing anything! You are only abandoning the people that seem like a danger to your messed up movement!”

“You know nothing,” Thorin spat, his face morphing into an ugly, furious grimace.

“I know that Kili looks up to you. That he loves you like a father. And you are going to let him die,” Fili hissed, gnashing his teeth so hard it became painful.

He was shaking with anger and desperation. What had he thought? That Thorin was going to see reason? That he would listen? He was lost. It didn’t matter what Fili would say, it wouldn’t be good enough for the other. The blond had never been one to sink into violence, but right now there wasn’t anything he yearned more for than dealing a good punch, except for having Kili back in his arms, of course.

“What would you have me do instead? Try to save him? The last time I was only able to help him because I was working there and had access. If we were to go in this time, every single one of us would die.”

“You don’t know that!”

“No! You are the one who doesn’t realise that a war can’t be won without getting your hands dirty!”

Fili blinked, the rage muffled for the moment as a wave of surprise washed over him.

“This is not a war,” he said in bewilderment. “We are fighting against one man and his small group of adherents. The CAI wouldn’t fight for him if they weren’t indoctrinated.”

“Those CAI will be the ones to kill us all if we should dare to attack the company.”

The longer this incensed discussion continued the more Fili began to wonder how he could’ve ever trust Thorin to make the right decisions. Was he too blind in his desire for revenge that he wasn’t able to see the signs? What had happened during the last manoeuvre had shown Fili quite plainly that they were losing if they didn’t bet on a new strategy.

“And what will be the gain of continuing the way we have before? Sauron isn’t stupid. Even if we try to fight him from somewhere else we are not going to win if we only react to his moves and don’t act ourselves. He will always sit at a safe place and we are never going to stop him. Perhaps attacking him where he feels invincible is where we have to strike to stop his plans for once and for all.”

The silence between them stretched longer this time. It wasn’t over in the blink of an eye or after a couple for heartbeats. For a while Fili truly thought he might’ve managed to get through Thorin’s thick wall of stubbornness. But as fast as the spark of hope had appeared, it vanished again in the dark depths of Thorin’s raging blue orbs.

“We are not going to risk it. We are not going to do something as stupid as this, just because your judgement is emotionally clouded.”

Fili bit into the insides of his cheeks until he tasted blood. Thorin had to feel really pleased with himself, almighty and cunning as he quashed the blond’s suggestion, turning it into the idiocy of a lovesick young man. And yes, Fili wouldn’t deny that a part of him had Kili’s best interest in mind, when he’d voiced his thoughts out loud, but Kili wasn’t the only reason. This system, this sick organism they had created to fight against Sauron, would sooner or later be destroyed if they weren’t ready to take risks. Real risks. Not like going into the city every other day to stop a convoy. It wouldn’t bring the change they all were hoping for. It only served to push them into a never ending fight, until either Sauron died, perhaps with the end of passing his plans on to another, even more evil mind, or until their movement was destroyed. And Thorin, in his blind hatred, played into his enemy's hands.

“Yes, just tell yourself this,” Fili replied, shaking his head with disappointment. “Whatever helps you sleep at night. But I will not forget that you deliberately let Kili die.”

However Thorin wanted to respond, and the blond was sure he would raise his voice with the appalled expression that was deepening his frown, he was interrupted by Ori, who had walked back into the room.

“Thorin,” he said carefully. “Gan-,“ his eyes darted to the CAI, stopping him from finishing the name, “Stormcrow wants to talk to you.”

Not once taking his gaze off of Fili, it seemed to take all of Thorin’s self-control to keep himself from snapping at Ori. He was trembling slightly when he turned around and slowly began to walk into the redheads direction, throwing the syringe back onto the trolley.

And with that he left, sparing no glance for Fili. Ori frowned at him in confusion, before he hurriedly followed him.

Fili cursed, as a sudden feeling of tiredness tried to overwhelm him. There would be no help coming from Thorin and probably from no one else for that matter. Everyone here trusted Thorin and why should they not? They had a frightening goal and if they wouldn’t believe in him and Balin and Thranduil to do the right thing, this place would’ve long since fallen apart with quarrels.

It wasn’t a soothing thought, when it came to Kili, though. Held somewhere in Sauron’s company, as it appeared. Fili couldn’t sit here and go along with this move. He couldn’t abandon Kili. He had to do something, what that was however, he didn’t know. Fili neither knew where exactly his friend was nor how he should get there, without becoming a victim himself.

“Is he going to kill me?” a voice asked him he’d completely forgotten about.

Fili looked over his shoulder. The CAI was tilting his head slightly as he waited for an answer.

“I won’t let him, should he try again,” the blond vowed, facing the other completely.

It was strange to look at him, knowing he wasn’t the man he loved, but a copy that had no emotions or memories beyond the age of sixteen. Although, that probably wasn’t completely true. What a life it must’ve been in Sauron’s care. Did CAI like him have friends or other human contacts? According to Thorin they shouldn’t due to the program of the artificial intelligence. It was hard to imagine, though, having no one to talk to, being always on their own… it sounded lonely…, especially since Kili’s CAI never was sent off into the city.  

Wait a second…

“Do you know where they keep the real Kili?” Fili asked the CAI. His heart was suddenly pounding furiously with anticipation, unable to silence the hope that had bubbled up inside him at the thought.

“Yes, there is a wing in the basement of Sauron’s company. Everyone chosen to be replaced is held there until their ORC is ready.”

Fili’s knees were shaking so bad, he had to lean forward and support his weight with bracing his arms against the armrests of the chair.

“And… do you… do you have access to this place?”

The CAI nodded.

“Yes, I worked there. I brought them food every day.”

Closing his eyes with relief, Fili took a couple of deep breaths, trying to silence the wave of emotions that was trying to set tears into his eyes. Kili’s CAI… he knew how to get in… he knew how to find Kili… there was… there was a way to get in… a way to find the man he loved before it was too late. Of course, the thought of him being injected once again was twisting Fili’s stomach painfully, but Kili was safe as long as the next CAI wasn’t born. It had been four days since Kili had been kidnapped, so he was alive and they had still time.

Thorin had explained him long ago that it took three month for a CAI to develop and even though Sauron’s scientists had worked on accelerating the process there had to be still a week or two to act. Nori had said something about sick leaves, which made it hard to tell if someone was replaced or not, since people didn’t seem to go missing anymore. Ori’s brother would’ve been more afraid if things like that could progress within a day. Hell, in such a case everyone would’ve been replaced by now. They got time… precious time… and Fili wasn’t willed lose it.

“Will you help me to free him?” the blond asked the CAI carefully.

The brunet frowned.

“It’s dangerous.”

“That’s why I need your help. Without you, they are probably going to kill me,” Fili appealed to him. “Please.”

“If that’s what you want,” the CAI replied carefully.

Fili nodded. “It is.”

Mimicking his movement, the brunet answered in silent agreement, causing Fili to sigh with relief. It seemed they just needed to get out and into the city now. At least there was one he could trust… someone whose love in him would never let him down. Even though Kili wasn’t here with him right now, a part of him was still there to help and in such a case it didn’t matter that it held the form of his copy. Heading over to the trolley, he reached for a pair of scissors and immediately set to work on the CAI’s bonds.

 

 


	44. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili tries to leave Erebor...

 

 

Fili hurried through the long hallways towards one of the elevators, the CAI following close behind. Then and again they passed a couple of people, but those didn’t pay the pair any mind, busy with preparing for the evacuation. Without trouble they arrived at the level the transport capsules were parked and the blond headed purposefully to one of them. He long since knew the code to activate the capsules and he was certain that the CAI could give him the coordinates he needed.

Taking a seat at the control console, he turned on the engine. It was the first time he had to operate one of those machines himself, but in theory he shouldn’t have troubles with it. Most of the stuff would be done by the autopilot anyway and Fili had been explained a couple of times how everything worked. They should be fine, no big deal. He would type in the code, prepare everything for the brunet so he could enter the coordinates and in the meantime Fili would grab them some weapons.

Fine, perhaps a little reckless to do this on his own, with someone at his side everyone here believed to be the enemy, but the sensible way seemed to have stopped working a while ago, so he would give the Kili-way a try this time.

Fili hit enter and instantly looked up in confusion as a sound reached his ears that had a very alarming tone to it. The display had turned into a bright red screen, telling him in blinking red letters he’d put in the wrong code. He frowned with confusion, dead certain it had been the right code. Although, perhaps there had been a typo in his haste to leave Erebor as fast as possible… yes, there could be no other reason. Fili nodded to himself, trying once again.

The same red display appeared.

“What?” Fili gasped with shock.

How was this possible? It was the code they had used for the mission four days ago. Why would they change it without telling him?

“Thorin must’ve changed it.” Spinning around at the voice resounding behind him, Fili spotted Dwalin at the entrance to the capsule. “Bilbo saw you and it,” he nodded towards the CAI, “on the cameras and contacted Thorin, who asked me to stop you.”

“What the hell, Bilbo?” Fili cursed, ruffling a hand through his hair while his features morphed into a grimace.

That was it then. Dwalin was here and regardless how many lessons in fighting the blond had endured, the other was far more experienced. He couldn’t win this. What was worse was the thought of what might follow. Would they lock him up again? Would Thorin see him as a traitor he had to get rid of? Would he kill him just like he’d planned to do with the CAI?

“Don’t blame Bilbo. He did what he thought was right. You could’ve been tricked by this fake-Kili over there for all he knew.”

That didn’t really help his situation, though. Thorin had sent Dwalin to stop them. It was over.

“Do you really think it can help you to get Kili out of there?”

Fili frowned. Why was he asking this? Shouldn’t he simply arrest him and hand him over to Thorin’s wrath?

“No,” the blond answered truthfully. “I don’t know what will await us and if we will even come close enough to save Kili. But I know that it’s a better chance than just waiting here and allowing Sauron to do as he pleases.”

Perhaps they would be attacked and killed before they were even able to take a step into the building. Perhaps there wouldn’t be the chance to leave it again once they were inside. There were so many things that could go wrong, so many things not even the CAI could predict, but every decision, every of those fates, would be better than giving up without a fight. At least that way he wasn’t going to spent the rest of his life with blaming himself for abandoning Kili.

Dwalin was gazing at him intently, his arms still folded as if he was searching something in Fili’s eyes. The blond wasn’t able to figure out why the giant just wouldn’t walk over to him and arrest him.

“Thorin has access to the whole system down here. He just needs a couple of codes to shut the whole place down. Without his consent no one gets in or out.”

Fili stared at the other with a mixture of agitation and confusion. Couldn’t he just get the whole thing over with? He didn’t need this. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he had lost, this stuff wasn’t helping! Kili was going to die and there was nothing Fili could do to stop it and this knowledge was ripping through his body with a force, the blond was surprised he hadn’t fallen apart in front of Dwalin’s eyes yet.

“But Thorin isn’t the only one with control over the system,” Dwalin added and Fili immediately started to listen attentively. “Thranduil and Balin have the same kind of administrative rights and if you could convince one of them-“

“Why are you telling me this?” he interrupted him before he could continue.

“Is it really so hard to believe that I want to save him, too?” Dwalin wondered.

Fili features softened, before a sigh was drawn from his lips. Was it so hard to believe? Kili had spent a good deal of his life here, had made friends he would be ready to die for and who had helped him through the most difficult times. No, it wasn’t strange at all that the others would feel the same way for the brunet and yet…

“But Thorin,” he began, finding himself unable to finish.

“Thorin is blinded by his anger,” Dwalin replied sadly. “If he was in his right mind he would never abandon Kili like this. I’d rather follow his true intentions than listening to the piece that hasn’t been burned by his rage.”

“So you aren’t going to snitch on me?” Fili guessed.

A grin shot to Dwalin’s lips.

“I’m going to come with you and ask every available man in our unit if they are up for another mission.”

Gaping at him, the blond felt as if he had completely lost the control over his facial expressions. The words resounded inside his head, while his brain seemed unable to comprehend them. Dwalin was here to help him? Going against Thorin’s orders so Fili could leave this place was one thing… but coming with him? This was such a bloody big deal and now he even wanted to ask the others? This was so surreal and Fili pinched himself a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. It hurt and Dwalin was still waiting for his reply.

Fili blinked.

“But… but don’t you think it’s a lost cause?”

“You yourself just told me it’s better than doing nothing. And besides, it will be easier for you to reach Kili and get him out of there, if Sauron’s men are distracted,” Dwalin told him with a reassuring smile.

A wave of warmth flooded through his chest. Of course, Fili was supporrting the movement already for a couple of months and had felt welcome despite the initial battles, but while he had begun to feel like part of the team, he’d never really noticed the sense of arrival he was confronted with now. Erebor wasn’t the real world, it was a hiding place, where they could ignore the bad things up there and just be happy for a while. To him it had seemed like a temporary arrangement, now however, knowing that he had the support of these people, their friendship, their trust, aware that at least one of them would stand by him in a moment of need, he felt immensely blessed for the first time. Erebor became more than a secret lair from one moment to another, it began to mean _home_.

“Thank you, Dwalin,” he said deeply moved.

“You can thank me, when we’ve all returned safe and sound,” the other dismissed his gratitude. “Just get us the code and I will contact the others.”

Fili nodded, considering who would be the more sensible choice. Balin was a kind man, but the blond hadn’t talked to him so often to be able to judge his reaction. Then again, if he was being honest, with none of the three he’d been in contact often. Most of their orders had been passed on to them through either Dwalin or Legolas. At the thought of the blond the choice suddenly became easy. Thranduil had offered his help. Fili could only hope that he was a man standing by his promise.

“I will try to hurry.”

For the first time since Dwalin’s unexpected appearance, Fili’s eyes darted to the CAI, who had listened to their conversation quietly and almost automatically met his gaze.

“Would you rather wait here or come with me?” he asked him.

Fili couldn’t say what the lack of self-developed feelings meant for decision-making, but he wanted to leave it to him nevertheless. Coming with him didn’t seem that problematic when everyone was busy with preparing for the evacuation and wouldn’t make a big difference if stayed in the capsule.

“I will come with you,” the CAI said.

Together they wandered off, once again heading for the elevators. They looked in the medical ward first. The room where Legolas was staying was empty, though, save for the blond himself. He was sleeping, perhaps because of the big amounts of painkillers they had to pump into his system. Even with the bandage wrapped around his leg, Fili knew things weren’t looking good. There was a drainage to help with the wound secretion and the whole room smelled of ointment and sickness.

Fili swallowed the sudden wave of guilt threatening to overwhelm him and turned around, almost fleeing from the room. If Thranduil wasn’t here, he had to be in his office, which unfortunately was right next to Thorin’s. He could only hope Oakenshield wouldn’t take notice of Fili and the CAI’s visit.

The time it took to find Thranduil, Fili couldn’t get the picture of Legolas lying in that bed out of his head. He hadn’t been able to visit him yet, had felt far too weak and was probably solely awake and fit right now because his body was high on adrenalin and pursuing a goal. Therefore he hadn’t seen yet how scary a seriously injured person could look and with how much dread it could fill him at the thought that he might not recover. Fili hoped this wouldn’t be the case, prayed that Legolas’ leg was going to heal without complications and that he and Bifur would be as right as rain in the end. There wasn’t anything he could do besides hoping, anyway.

Fili was yanked from his thoughts when the lift reached its destination. Examining the waiting area, he heaved a sigh of relief. It was quiet, so there was no reason to worry just yet. Giving Kili a sign, the two of them set into motion.

Entering without knocking, they found Thranduil sitting at his desk. The interior seemed to be the exact same as in Thorin’s office, with the only difference consisting of what looked like a locked medicine cabinet.

Legolas’ father looked up, his gaze darting from Fili to Kili, while a furrow emerged between his brows. He seemed to recover fast from the incipient shock, causing the calm expression to return to his features.

“So, I guess you have different plans for today than helping with the evacuation?”

Nodding, Fili crossed the distance between them, stopping at the desk.

“You said if I needed help, I could come to you,” Fili reminded him.

“I did, didn’t I?” Thranduil replied with an amused smirk. “Tell me what you need,” he added, more serious this time.

“The code to the transport capsules. Thorin changed it.”

There was no hesitation in his movements as he turned to his computer, hammering something into the system. His fingers wandered so fast over the keypad Fili had no way of understanding what he was doing. It barely took a minute before Thranduil turned the screen, allowing Fili to glance at the code displayed on it.

“How many are going to come with you on this suicide mission?” he demanded to know, while Fili tried to memorise the access code.

“Kili and I, Dwalin… and perhaps some other members of the unit,” he murmured preoccupied.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Thranduil nod. The blond then got up and walked over to the medicine cabinet. Fili frowned, repeating the code like a mantra in his head.

“You don’t mind our plan at all?” Fili wondered.

It was hard to grasp how one of their leaders could be so pig-headed, whereas another accepted it without as much as twitching a muscle.

“It is reckless and you are most likely going to fail,” Thranduil answered drily. Fili wasn’t surprised, the sinking feeling settling within him at those words hit him still out of the blue. “But it’s pretty much the only way we have if we want to save Kili and Erebor, and besides, I’m a man of my word. Nevertheless, take those with you.”

Thranduil handed him a plain pill bottle he’d fetched from the cabinet. Looking it over in his hand, Fili hoped to figure out their purpose, but they weren’t labelled.

“Give everyone, who decides to come with you, one of them. If you are caught, you just have to bite down on them. You will be dead before you know what’s going on. Protect our identities at all costs,” Legolas’ father appealed to him urgently.

Fili swallowed hard. The certainty of death wasn’t something his mind had wanted to address yet, but it was a possibility he shouldn’t ignore. He didn’t want to die, didn’t want to see Kili die, hadn’t even been able to tell the brunet that he loved him. Doing everything in his power to protect both of them was what Fili intended, if it would work, however, was something he could only partly control. In the ned, though, if he they weren’t going to succeed, they were going to die anyway. Better fast and painless, than forced into days or weeks of suffering.

“I will,” Fili promised him.

Thranduil looked pleased with his answer, but also a little at loss, almost unsure about what to do next.

“Good luck,” he wished him, sounding out of practise in the matters that required empathy.

Fili thanked him, shook the blond’s hand and left the office.

They weren’t able to reach the elevator. A crashing noise stopped Fili in mid-motion. Afterwards it didn’t stay silent. Shattering glass, a scream, cracking wood and bursting plastic. It sounded as if someone was taking apart the whole room. And not just anybody’s room. The source of the noise came from Thorin’s office.

 

 


	45. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the rescue mission begins...

 

 

And then it went suddenly quiet behind the door. Fili stared at it, unsure what to make of it. Was Thorin in there? Was someone else destroying his office? If so, who? It was a situation he had no time for, but he found himself unable to just continue his path and join Dwalin and those ready to help them.

Shoving the pill bottle into one of his pockets, the blond took a deep breath. Casting a glance over his shoulder to the CAI, he noticed Kili looking at him intently.

“Wait here,” he told him.

He pressed the handle of the door down cautiously and pushed it slowly open. On the other side he spotted a mess he’d already expected, but which vast extent surprised him nonetheless. There wasn’t a piece of furniture still intact. Shards and chunks and splinters covered the floor and between the different heaps of newly created rubbish was Thorin. The man was on his knees, head kept low and hands buried in his long dark hair. Even from his spot at the door Fili could see the bleeding knuckles, as if Thorin had punched a wall a couple of times.

This was such a strange sight compared with the usual Thorin, Fili didn’t know what to do at first. So far the other hadn’t registered the blond’s presence yet, but even if he did, it seemed unlikely that he would change his position anytime soon. Thorin looked small, almost broken and Fili had never believed this could be an attribute he would use one day to describd the other man.

Carefully closing the door behind him, Fili entered the room, his steps scrunching under the messy ground.

“Thorin?” he called him carefully, but Oakenshield didn’t appear to have heard him.

Fili sighed. He didn’t have the time for things like this, had actually to be an idiot to step into the office. He was certain that, if it came down to it, Thorin would be easily able to overpower him. And now here he was, unable to just turn around and leave the other to his misery like he abandoned Kili.

Bridging the last distance between them, although stopping at arm’s length, he got aware of the tiny tremors rocking Thorin’s body. Was he… crying?

“Thorin?” Fili tried again, louder this time.

This seemed to have the desired effect, if the little tilt of Thorin’s head, allowing him a glance at Fili’s boots, could be seen as a success. Instead of a reply, he suddenly shook his head.

“Are you alright?” it was a stupid question, there was nothing alright about the sight in front of him, but how else should he begin such a conversation if Thorin wasn’t willing to talk to him.

Fili exhaled deeply, this had been a stupid decision. He shouldn’t have come in here. What did he own Oakenshield? The man that wouldn’t listen to him, thought him stupid and was stopping at nothing to reach his goal. They were completely different. Then again, perhaps this was the reason why he couldn’t forsake him despite everything inside of him screaming to go and save Kili. Fili wasn’t ready to push away his humanity.

“It’s over,” Thorin croaked so quietly Fili almost missed it.

“What is over?” he wondered, a furrow forming between his brows.

“This… all of this.”

His answer wasn’t very enlightening. How could this be over if everyone was busy with packing and working for a smooth progress of the evacuation? Thranduil hadn’t looked very concerned and so this had to mean Gandalf had found them another hideout. It seemed as if Thorin was the only one giving up right now.

“What are you talking about?”

“It was for Frerin… everything I did and then… then it was for Kili. But they are gone now. Everything is gone.”

Clenching his fists, the blond had a hard time supressing the anger attacking him once again. What the hell had happened here? First Thorin forbade him to go after Kili and now, after everything was prepared and everyone was working hard together to get them out here as fast and safely as possible, he was suddenly breaking down? How dare he?

“Nothing is over! Your people are fighting and Kili is still alive.”

“Saving him is impossible,” Thorin replied tiredly.

“Says who?” Fili snapped. “You haven’t even tried saving him! Instead of doing something, you hide here and order other people to do the dirty work. You sacrifice people! You don’t listen! You do what you think is right and feel all smart about yourself, which you use as an excuse to belittle me and Ori and Kili and every freaking one here! I get that shit happened in your life, but newsflash, it happened to everyone here! But unlike you we keep fighting! So don’t you dare to talk about this as if you were doing it for Kili, for if you did you would do everything in your power to save him!”

When he was done his throat hurt from the way he’d screamed disgust and disappointment into the destroyed office. His chest was raising and sinking fast because of his rapid breathing and a ringing felt like it was sitting right in his ears.

“You need to ask yourself,” Fili added, a little calmer this time, “for what kind of a world you are fighting for. Are you trying to change it for the better? Then perhaps you should set a good example. Abandoning others is common practise up there, but perhaps it was stupid of me to put my hopes in you and this movement.”

It was silent afterwards. A deafening, uncomfortable silence. Thorin’s hands had slipped from his hair and were now uselessly hanging down.

When no answer was forthcoming, Fili heaved a deep sigh. It had been stupid to think his words could reach Thorin. After all, this man had never taken him serious, why should he now all of a sudden? And so he turned around, leaving the man on the ground, and walked towards the door.

“Gandalf once said,” Thorin’s voice caused him to halt, ere he was able to reach for the door handle, “that this world needs time to heal. Do you think he is right to believe this?”

Fili considered this for a moment.

“I do,” he replied eventually. “We fight against each other, there is barely any trust out there and this… we shouldn’t be like this. I care for my mum and for Ori and Kili,” he swallowed hard at the mention of his beloved’s name, “and many others, since I’ve come here and being with them, trusting them, supporting them, helping them… it feels easy… natural. What I experienced up there feels wrong. It’s not the way it should be and… we should be given the opportunity to learn how to trust each other again.”

A glance over his shoulder revealed that Thorin was nodding slightly, but no other reaction followed. Fili wasn’t sure if the other had truly understood what he’d tried to phrase. It was a rather complex thought words weren't able to express in the right way. Nevertheless, there was no time to discuss this with Thorin furthermore. Not with Kili waiting to be saved. And so he left the office, collecting the CAI waiting for him outside and stepping into the elevator with him.

By the time they reached the capsule, the whole unit was waiting for him, except Legolas and Bifur, of course, who were still resting in the medical ward. Even Bard wanted to join them, despite his pregnant wife. Fili felt a tightness in his throat as soon as he spotted them, dressed into their usual outfits and waiting for him and Kili’s CAI with reassuring and determined expressions.

“You are all here,” he said, lacking a better reply.

“Kili is our friend,” Bard told him with a smile.

“You know we might not come back.”

“Possible, but we won’t go down without wreaking havoc,” Gimli chuckled confidently.

“Come on, let’s not lose even more time. You can get dressed in the capsule. I already stowed everything inside,” Dwalin interrupted them. “Did you get the code?”

Fili nodded, but before he was able to utter it, Dwalin’s eyes widened abruptly, staring at something behind the blond. Spinning around, he felt an equal sense of surprise taking over him. No other than Thorin was walking over to the group.

“Do you have room for one more man?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Even once they had left Erebor, Fili had difficulties to believe that Thorin was truly here, ready to help them. Because of his silence he hadn’t expected anything to come of it and yet they were sitting opposite one another after they had gotten dressed.

It was quiet in the vehicle, no one was joking or feeling like saying anything in particular, probably already mentally preparing for the things to come. But then Thorin pulled a flash drive from one of his pockets, handing it to Fili.

The blond looked it over in confusion.

“What is this?”

“A virus,” Thorin answered gravely. “Try not only to save Kili. Try to find a computer and plug it in. The program will ask you to be executed. You only have to click okay and the virus will affect the whole system.”

Fili noticed that he wasn’t the only one staring at the flash drive with fascination.

“What is it going to do?”

“Shut down the artificial intelligence. They won’t be able to send them orders anymore, since the signal will be broken.”

“And what…,” his hands began to shake slightly, “what is it going to mean for Kili… the… the real Kili?”

“He is a man.  He has no uterus that could keep an injected CAI alive on its own. That’s only the artificial intelligence, if it is shut down, the replicating process will be stopped.”

Closing his fingers around the flash drive, Fili pulled it to his chest, clutching it like a lifeline. This could save Kili. He knew that CAI had to be removed fast or the host was forced to carry them to full terms. With this they could extract it without waiting. That was good… so very good. It wouldn’t help completely against the renewed trauma, but it might be able to prevent parts of it.

“You kept this a secret,” Dwalin said, his voice caught somewhere between disbelief and disappointment.

Thorin folded his arms and leaned back into his seat, looking at no one but Fili.

“I programmed it, but we only have this one chance. If it gets into their hands, they will find a way to protect themselves against more of such cyberattacks in the future. If this doesn’t work today, it won’t in the future. I couldn’t send it with you haphazardly, but now Fili is going in. There won’t be a better opportunity. I trust you with this.”

Had his words really reached Thorin or was this simply a last desperate attempt, since he didn’t think he would return? In the end it wouldn’t matter. What was important was that Thorin was here with them and had handed Fili a virus able to destroy Sauron’s plan. Nevertheless, Oakenshield appeared much calmer and composed compared with the moment he’d wanted to torture the CAI. Fili only hoped it was going to stay like this and that this madness, created by hate and suffering, would stay away from today.

“What’s going to happen with the other CAI, once the virus is activated?” Fili wondered, glancing briefly at the brunet. There was no worry on his features. His empty expression started to become a little unnerving.

He couldn’t read his face and while he knew this to be normal for a CAI, since they couldn’t develop emotions in unfamiliar situations, it still seemed strange and wrapped him into an inhuman aura. Wasn’t this what distinguished humans from machines? The ability to feel? To love? And yet Kili’s CAI had helped him because of his love for Fili. Although, the blond had to admit, this weren’t really the CAI’s feelings, but those of the real Kili, of the human. It was terribly difficult to think about these two sides. The love wasn’t worth any less just because it came from a different person. It was still love. It was still a wonderful feeling. The human and inhuman traits clashed together with a force until it made discerning the CAI from a real person impossible.

“Nothing, the artificial intelligence won’t work anymore, but they still have a working brain. It will only affect the ones that aren’t grown or not yet injected,” Thorin informed him.

“And,” Fili’s eyes darted to the CAI once again, “do you think they would learn to feel?”

“It’s not impossible, but highly unlikely.”

“Why is that?”

“The artificial intelligence changed the process of perception. The human brain can adapt to many restrictions, but only as long as the person is very young and the neuronal paths aren’t stabilized. The paths that aren’t used wither and die and can’t be reawakened. Their brain is designed a certain way and can’t change.”

Fili didn’t really get it, but then again the talk was dealing with matters someone like him, growing up with the scarcest education, probably wasn’t able to grasp. What Thorin explained made sense. However, try as he might, he wasn’t able to figure out how the love Kili felt for him could influence the CAI into helping them. He shouldn’t have been able to care.

Despite the questions, the blond stayed quiet, though and instead made sure everyone was provided with a pill for the worst case. Dwalin went over the plan again they had hurriedly come up with, while Fili had been away. It was simple. Getting inside, shooting and screaming, perhaps taking hostages and barricading themselves in a room. They had some small bombs with them they could use to create panic and Fili and the CAI were going to use the created chaos to get inside unseen.

It was one of the reasons Thorin had given him the flash drive. They might not live long enough to find a computer.

By the time they arrived Fili’s heart was pounding furiously. The heartfelt goodbyes they were able to share making his eyes burn with unshed tears and tightened his throat until he feared to suffocate. He didn’t try to let it show, trying to concentrate only on following them to the point where they had to part.

There, in silence, they waited. It was a completely different feeling than during the other missions. Not only had none of them filled him with such dread and the knowledge of losing friends or perhaps not even returning himself – Fili regretted most that he’d forgotten to say goodbye to his mother – this time they moved in bright daylight. It didn’t matter that the company was located in an industrial area like all the other fabrics. It was loud and it was busy and Fili flinched at every movement.

When the first explosion resounded, the earth shaking slightly, Fili pushed every kind of fear away. Later he could think about how extremely frightening this mission was, there would be enough time to freak out – or not, depending on their success – right now the needed to keep a clear head. And so, when panic broke loose and people began to run outside, screaming and terrified, he and the CAI hurried into the opposite direction.

The distraction was working well, allowing them to slip into the first lift they spotted. No one was stopping them. The brunet typed in a code and before Fili knew it, he found himself in a long hallway. It looked creepy and clean and the sudden quietness, despite the turmoil up, there felt frightening. If someone was fighting down here, screaming, suffering… then no one would ever know. A shiver went down his spine.

The CAI took the lead from there on, guiding him to one of the many doors lining the hallways left and right, their steps echoed him from the high ceiling. Stopping at one of them, he nodded at Fili, typing in another code at the keypad beside it and moved out of the way.

Fili gifted him a small, grateful smile, whereas his insides twisted uncomfortably.

The room he entered was tiny, offering just enough room for a mattress, a toilet and a sink. The person lying on his side was someone the blond would’ve recognised among thousands. 

“Kili,” he sighed with relief.

The brunet’s head whirled around, turning as much as his position allowed. Fili’s heart ached at the sunken cheeks, the dark circles around his wide eyes and the gag in his mouth.

Before he could cross the little distance separating them with a desperate sprint, though, Kili struggled into a sitting position. Fili froze, staring with horror at the grotesque figure. In the white shirt and shorts he was wearing, his arms and legs reminded Fili of the young skinny lad Kili had once been. This merely helped to underline the bulge protruding from his midsection. It looked painful and wrong and weird and creepy and misshapen and wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

One word, reiterating in his head in the cadence of his beating heart.

 

 


	46. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Fili tries to save Kili...

 

 

This couldn’t be true. This had to be an illusion. This couldn’t be happening! It had been four days! Four freaking days! If they questioned him before… if they tried to gain the information they wanted in a faster fashion… how… how could this be possible? Fili wasn’t an expert on these things, but by the size of it, it looked as if the CAI was almost ready to be extracted. They were supposed to have at least a week!

And by the sight of it, Kili suffered from it extremely. The thin limbs, the hollow cheeks… he looked as if he was starving for weeks. How could any of this be possible?

With a distressed whine Fili darted forward, kneeling down in front of the brunet and carefully removing the gag. As he rubbed softly over the welts it had left on the corner of Kili’s mouth and cheeks, his friend coughed slightly. His skin felt cold to the touch or perhaps it was just the fear setting his own flesh on fire that made it seem this way.

“What are you doing here?” Kili croaked.

The surprise at his appearance had made way for extreme sadness and resignation. Fili’s heart ached as soon as he noticed the change.

“I’ve come to save you, of course,” Fili whispered.

A fine saviour he was. Who knew in what kind of pain Kili was in right now. Even if his body had been made to bear such strains, whatever Sauron’s scientists had done to this CAI would’ve hurt everyone immensely. Kili looked like no amount of sleep could soothe the exhaustion on his features and no food return the healthiness to his body.

The brunet smiled, an expression that spoke more of pain than relief. “It’s a little too late for that.” His voice sounded as shattered as his frame looked.

Fili shook his head forcefully, still not stopping the gentle movements at Kili’s cheeks. He was here. He had made it this far. It wasn’t too late. It couldn’t be too late.

“No, it’s not. I’m here. And I will get you out of here and then Oin, Tauriel and Thranduil will get this thing out of you. Everything will be alright,” he whispered to him urgently.

“It’s killing me from the inside, Fee,” Kili replied, his face morphing into a grimace, before he ripped himself out of Fili’s grip.

Hands pushed against him, causing him to lose his balance and topple sideway.

“Stop!” Kili screamed when Fili collided with the ground.

It wasn’t painful, not at this angle, but the shrill edge in the brunet’s words spurred him to get up as fast as possible, just to freeze before he could get back on his feet as his gaze fell to the gun in Kili’s hand. Reflexively he fumbled for the weapon at his belt, just to find it gone, realising his friend must’ve taken it from him, when he’d shoved him away. Now the barrel was pointed at the CAI, who probably wanted to help Fili, believing Kili to attack the blond.

The brunet stared at his copy with disgust.

“Don’t come any closer or I will shoot you!” Kili snarled.

“Do what he says!” Fili agreed with the other hurriedly and noted with relief that the CAI listened to him, backing away shortly after.

A gleam of betrayal darted to Kili’s eyes, as he glanced at the blond briefly, before focussing his gaze back on the clone.

“Just wait outside, it’s alright,” Fili added and the CAI nodded.

“What are you doing here with it?” Kili spat. The skinny hand, holding the gun, began to shake.

“He helped me,” Fili confessed honestly.

A frown appeared on the other's features, telling the blond he was processing the information. It was replaced by a look of horror as it dawned on him.

“It was sent to you,” he realised. “Did it hurt anyone?”

Fili inched a little closer towards his friend, who lowered the weapon until it rested uselessly in his lap.

“He was, but he didn’t hurt anyone. Everyone is alright. He helped us. He told us of Sauron’s plan. That’s how we knew we had to act fast and get you out of here before…,” Fili found himself unable to finish it. Kili’s form hadn’t become any less horrifying over the last couple of minutes. “But we… we had reason to believe they would question you first before… before doing this to you again.”

His eyes burned with angry tears. As if putting Kili through this once hadn’t been bad enough. No, this time they had to turn it into something even worse. Fili wanted to smash his fist against the wall or pull Kili into a crushing hug, but with the way he looked, he would be afraid of breaking his bones. It made him only want to hit the wall more.

“They did question me,” Kili told him with a defeated sigh, lowering his head and gazing to the floor.

“What?” Fili exclaimed. “I thought they had injected you right away… how else… how…” He closed his lids with anguish.

“They did question me,” his friend replied. “It’s hard to keep track of time without a clock and a window, but the injection can’t be longer than a couple of hours ago.”

An ice-cold wave of shock washed over him, taking the ability to breathe from him as he gaped at Kili with his mouth agape.

“What?” he gasped. “How… how is this…”

“They accelerated the process. The three months it took seven years ago are apparently only a couple of hours now.”

Fili had difficulties to grasp it. It seemed so surreal, so impossible. His mind was refusing to accept it, hadn’t even yet figured out how computers could work the way they did, how should he be able to understand how such an evil piece of genetics interbreed with an artificial intelligence could cause this? He knew only one thing: it was sick beyond measures and that a human body was able to take it felt like a miracle.

“Although I think they programmed it to work even faster for my special case. But they are not going to get through with it… I won’t let them.”

And before Fili had the chance to ask him what exactly he was implying with his last determined sentence, he already had to watch with shock how Kili raised the gun again, pointing the barrel this time at his own head.

“Kili, don’t!” Fili called him frantically, uncertain what to do.

Should he reach for the gun? What if it caused Kili to pull the trigger on accident? Talking seemed more likely to help, but what if Kili was beyond it and wouldn’t listen to a word he said?

“I’ve come here to rescue you.”

“You should go, Fee. I don’t want you to see this.”

“You don’t have to do this! I’m here to get you out of here! To save you!” Fili pleaded with him.

“I’m past saving!” Kili suddenly bellowed, meeting the blond’s eyes for the first time after what felt like an eternity.

There was desperation and anguish in his gaze, but also a helplessness that seemed to rip Fili’s heart apart.

“If they hadn’t gagged me, I would’ve bitten my tongue off! I can’t be saved! This thing is killing me as we speak! With the acceleration the artificial intelligence needs more energy than it can provide itself and it’s getting what it needs from me! Look at me, Fili!”

The blond’s vision went blurry for a second, then he blinked and the tears ran down his cheeks openly. Kili looked close to tears as well.

“I can barely breathe. I can’t drink. I can’t eat. My hands are shaking. It _hurts_ , Fili. It hurts so much, as if a wrong movement is going to rip me apart,” Kili tried to make him understand.

He wouldn’t have to. Even if Fili would never know what his friend felt right, even a blind man would realise that Kili was caught in his own personal hell right now. And yet the blond wasn’t going to give him up. He had come here to help him. Their unit was here - probably dying - to rescue Kili. They weren’t risking all of their lives, just for Fili allowing him to take his own. That wasn’t right.

“We can help you,” Fili begged him.

“I can’t even walk! It will break my pelvis before I can get out of here!”

“I will carry you, if I must!”

For a moment it seemed as if Kili would change his mind. For a moment there was a spark of surrender in his eyes and hope that Fili had the ability to make this take a turn for the better. But just when the blond wanted to belief he had got through to his friend, determination settled on the brunet’s features.

“If I’m going to die today, then on my turns,” he said and released the safety catch.

Fili threw himself onto him before Kili could pull the trigger. The gun slipped from the other’s fingers, slithering away, when the friends smashed into the floor and mattress. An agonised scream was ripped from Kili’s lips, urging Fili to scramble back onto his feet, where he hovered worriedly over the brunet’s writhing form.

His hands were shaking, where they clutched the mattress. Tears of pain trickled over his cheeks, while he gnawed at his bottom lip. With a sinking heart, Fili hesitated. He didn’t know what to do. Despite being glad to have prevented his friend from killing himself, he felt terrible for causing him even more pain. What could he do to calm him… to dispel a part of the pain? Stroking his hair? Pulling him into an embrace? Just whispering encouraging words to him? Nothing of this seemed enough and everything felt like too much at the same time. He didn’t want to hurt Kili.

In the end he decided to raise the brunet gently, allowing him to rest against him. The tremors rocking the other’s body had him in tears a second later. He knew they probably weren’t having the time for such gestures of affection. But after what just happened it felt wrong to just hoist him and go about the business he still had to attend.

“Why did you do this? Why did you stop me?” Kili wailed in despair.

“Because I’m selfish,” Fili replied in a breathy voice, lacking a better way to phrase the absolute horror at what Kili had been about to do. “Because I can’t imagine a life without you. Because I love you.”

Fili had wanted the perfect moment for his love confession, had been interrupted so often in the past and certainly couldn’t have uttered it at a more unfitting point. But he needed to say it. Before something else happened that threatened to rip them apart again. He couldn’t let him go without telling him what he truly meant to him.

The worst of the shaking stilled after his words. A second later Kili was clutching him just as tightly as on the mattress before.

Fili took it as a sign that the brunet was finally ready to listen.

“Thorin gave me something. A virus to stop the signal directed at the CAI and to destroy the artificial intelligence for good. If we can plug it into the system, the injected CAI will die. It won’t grow anymore. We will be able to save you. Please, let me save you,” Fili whispered into Kili’s hair almost panicky.

Fili counted his own heartbeat to distract himself while he waited for Kili’s answer. Sixty-five.

“We need to hurry,” Kili groaned.

“Do you think you can walk while leaning on me?” he asked him carefully.

Another pause.

“Let’s try.”

Fili tried to lift him as gently as possible, but the new position still had Kili muffling a painful cry. On shaking legs, with knees buckling at every other step, the brunet leaned heavily on Fili, who guided them out of the room slowly.

Outside the CAI was waiting for them, watching them with a frown. Kili’s expression was a grimace of agony, lids pressed tightly shut. There was no mean comment directed at his copy coming from him. The blond told the CAI to help them find a room with a computer. Nodding, he led the way. The gun was left in the empty room. Fili couldn’t have cared less for it. Getting Kili out of this place was all that mattered right now.

By the time they reached a little control room, the brunet was clinging to his shoulder so tightly Fili had no doubt it was going to leave bruises. But he wouldn’t complain, Kili had the greater pain to bear.

Thankfully the place was empty, whoever might’ve sit here had probably hurried upstairs as well, to stop Thorin and his group, since the monitoring screens showed the deserted entrance area. Fili helped Kili gently to sit down on the ground, pressing a kiss to his sweaty hair, while the brunet panted as if he’d just ran a marathon. Then the blond turned towards the computers.

Taking the flash drive and plugging it in he waited for the program to open like Thorin had assured him. Fili thrummed nervously with his fingers on the table, the seconds feeling as if they stretched into hours. At last, the menu popped up. Heaving a sigh of relief, he used the touchpad to hit the okay-button and could watch almost immediately how the screen began to flicker. The monitors connected to the security cameras were switched off just a second later.

Closing his eyes and thanking Thorin’s work, Fili exhaled a deep breath. It was over. Finally. Now they only needed to figure out how to get out of here unseen again and the horror with the CAI would be over. Of course there were other things they would need to worry about. For example, was the unit alright? Was someone hurt? Were they even still alive? And what about Sauron? Had he been in the building? Could he be arrest or would he disappear, to never to be found again? Everything was still too precarious, but for the moment he allowed himself a joyous smile, knowing that he wasn’t going to lose Kili.

“We made it,” Fili breathed, feeling a little overwhelmed, which in turn caused his knees to feel weak.

Just when he turned around to share their victory with Kili and the CAI, though, the brunet leaped with a sudden scream of rage at his copy.

 

 


	47. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they try to escape...

 

 

With wide eyes Fili watched as the CAI struggled in Kili’s strong grip, but he was helpless. The brunet was sitting on his chest, knees pressed into the crook of his arms to keep them down and so his feet could only kick uselessly at thin air, while the knife, pressed to his neck, caused a little trickle of blood to appear. Fili fumbled for his own knife, since it was still where it should be, Kili must've taken it from the CAI in an unobserved moment.

Fili didn’t dare to approach them, there was a dangerous gleam in Kili’s gaze, underlined by an expression of determination. One wrong move might be able to make the other snap and if possible, Fili wanted to avoid a bloodbath.

“Kili, don’t do this,” Fili pleaded instead, hoping to encourage his friend to look at him. It didn’t work. The brunet didn’t glance up at him even for a second and just kept his focus on the CAI under him. “I know you are angry,” he therefore added. “But he helped us to get you out of here. He didn’t ask for this anymore than you did. It’s not his fault. It’s not your fault. It was Sauron. He hurt you and no one else.”

Lips were pressed into a thin line when Kili shook his head, as if he wanted to shake Fili’s words from his mind.

“This won’t help you. It won’t erase what happened to you.”

Despite telling himself he didn’t want to startle Kili into a rash action, Fili took a step forward almost involuntarily. He was too far away, when the hand, holding the weapon, began to shake. The breath caught in his throat as he stared at the two men, waiting for the situation to escalate.

But then Kili threw the blade away and Fili ran. He caught his friend before he could fall sideways, gently guiding his trembling form from the CAI as every last piece of strength seemed to leave him. Kili was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms. Meanwhile the CAI was finally able to free himself and scrambled backwards, watching the both of them out of wide eyes.

Fili wanted to ask if he was alright. Wanted to say that Kili hadn’t meant it like that. That there was a lot of anger in the young man, which he’d never managed to let out completely.  Instead everything he could think of was Kili. Whispering sweet words of nothing against his sweaty brow, Fili hoped they wouldn’t face too much trouble when they attempted to get out of here and that they had to leave this place as soon as possible was obvious. Kili needed help and peace and time to recover.

And so Fili heaved his friend into his arms and got back onto feet, wincing at the breathless cry ripped from Kili’s throat at the sudden jolt wandering through his body, cutting him off mid-sob. The brunet’s fingers curled around his coat, burying them deeply in the fabric, as he hid his face in Fili’s scarf. The blond gave the CAI a sign to follow him and together they headed back to the elevator.

Kili was now only weeping quietly, a shiver shooting through his frame every now and then. It was weird to carry him. He felt too light overall, but too heavy around the middle. Fili swallowed hard. He wished they were already back at Erebor, with their companions getting ready to remove the CAI. Kili was in so much pain and it broke Fili’s heart to know he would’ve to endure the agony for a good while longer until they were finally safe.

When the doors of the lift opened, once it stopped at the main floor, Fili intended to sprint through the building and back to their transport capsule. He was stopped by the barrel of a gun pointing at his head. Frozen with shock he stared at the man aiming at him. The dark uniform and helmet identified him as part of the police. Behind the officer three more were waiting.

“Are you accomplices with the terrorists that have stormed the building?” the one at the front asked.

His throat felt incredibly tight. In his arms Kili’s seemed to duck into his hold, reminding him what was at stake. Swallowing with difficulty, he hoped to disguise his trembling form with pulling the brunet a little tighter against him. He was just glad his friend was hiding his face right now. While they might’ve been able to pass his friend and the CAI off as twins, Fili would prefer if he didn’t to deal with the pressure for failing to offer an explanation.

“No,” he managed to say, the one word feeling as if it was trying to suffocate him. “We… we’re working here. We… we didn’t dare to get out sooner,” Fili added, immediately cursing himself silently. What should he tell them if they asked him in which section he worked and what he was doing there?

It seemed as if they had a guardian angel, since the officer simply nodded and accepted his answer.

“You catch up with the others. I will make sure they get out without trouble.”

Fili wasn’t very relieved yet. There wasn’t a reason to trust this man. Many people in his job were corrupt, they could only hope that this operation was more important than questioning a strange looking trio.

They let themselves be let outside, where the blond blanched once again at the barricades and the hundreds of policemen guarding the company. What he didn’t dare to acknowledge had already wormed it’s way into his subconscious. Thorin and the others wouldn’t get out.

A gentle shove urged him to continue walking.

“Where is your transport capsule?” the officer asked him quietly.

It took all of his self-control to prevent his features from slipping. Surprise shot into every fibre of his being, as the panic slowly ebbed away, allowing him to connect the voice he’d heard to a speaker that hadn’t saved them for the first time.

“Nori?” he wondered, keeping his words just as low.

“Shh,” the other hissed. “Just keep walking. Gandalf smuggled me into this operation to get you out of here. He will do for the others what he can, but it might take some time before they are free again. Where is your capsule?”

He murmured the location to their ally, trying to move his lips as little as possible. It was hard to keep the hope away from his face, to act as if he was still scared of what was going on inside the building, when in truth his legs were shaking with relief and wouldn't stop until they left the city.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kili was hiding in Fili’s embrace while they waited for Oin and Tauriel to prepare the surgery. Their return had caused quite a turmoil, but Thranduil and Balin had accepted Fili’s report with relief. The evacuation was stopped and most of the people they crossed afterwards looked immensely relieved at the prospect of staying in Erebor. Legolas’ father had left afterwards, probably to call Gandalf or Galadriel, to find out if everyone was alright and how long it might take to get them free. Ori and Dis had promised in turn to look after the CAI, of course only after the blond’s mother had boxed his ears gently for not saying goodbye.

Carefully lowered onto a stretcher, Kili had been transported to the medical ward, Fili not once leaving his side. And now he was rubbing the brunet’s back gently, as he counted the seconds until this nightmare would finally be over.

They both looked up when the door opened and Tauriel entered. An apologetic expression displayed on her features.

“I’m very sorry, but we have to run a few tests before we can start. We thought it might be easier for you if you are under general anaesthetic and to give you the right dose we need to check your weight and blood pressure. Do you think you can get up and stand on the scale?”

Kili barely turned his head to meet her gaze, but nodded, slowly untangling himself from Fili, who hovered worriedly at the brunet’s side not a second later, fearing his boyfriend might’ve misjudged his own strength. But Kili didn’t waver. Sure, one of his hands was pressed against a joint of his hip, probably because it pained him and his face was a distorted grimace while Tauriel noted value, other than that he held his ground, though. Nevertheless, he thankfully leaned against Fili once the ordeal was over.

Tauriel next checked the blood pressure and left them for another couple of minutes.

The next person stepping into the room was Oin. The old doctor seemed completely afflicted, making Fili wonder if he’d seen this perhaps more often than the blond had believed so far. Taking a seat in front of them, Oin waited until Kili peeked at him from where he was again burying his face against Fili’s chest.

“Kili,” Oin began softly. “I was wondering if you would perhaps like to be anaesthetised right away. I’m going to put up an IV first, but we will have to shave your belly and disinfect it. This might be very painful in your current condition. Would you allow us to put you to sleep right away?”

Oin waited patiently for the young man’s answer, for a while no word was forthcoming. Fili was already wondering if his friend had even understood what the doctor had told him, when the brunet suddenly gazed up at him.

“Stay with me?”

He looked so small and helpless, the moist shimmer in his eyes unable to convey the amount of anguish inside him.

Darting a glance at the old doctor, Fili watched him nod, feeling an immense sense of relief surging through him.

“Of course! I will be with you the whole time and I will be there when you wake up.”

It was what urged Kili to comply and once the IV was secured in his arm, Oin urged him to lie down and put a respiratory mask over the lad’s nose and mouth.

“Count backwards from ten for me,” the doctor requested with a soft smile.

Kili held on to Fili’s hand the whole time until his fingers went slack when he’d just reached five. Pressing a kiss his love’s fingertips he tried to reassure himself that all of this would be over very soon. It was terrible to see Kili like this, so broken in body and soul and to be unable to ease his suffering. But Oin and Tauriel were amazing doctors. They had saved Fili and Bifur and Legolas… if Kili would be in good hands with someone, then it would be these too.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Oin moving and wished a second later he’d focussed his gaze on Kili’s relaxed features. What he spotted would be burned into his mind forever.

The doctor had pulled up the brunet’s shirt and removed the trousers, revealing Kili’s disfigured belly. The fabric had hidden some of its creepy sight and in the end Fili couldn’t really tell what he had imagined, but it certainly hadn’t been as gruesome as this. Kili’s belly wasn’t round like the one of a pregnant woman, it was misshapen, displaying the shape of something beneath the skin… something distinctively human. His stomach was a construct of stretch marks, of flesh that hadn’t been able to withstand the rapid expansion.

It was the first time Fili was able to understand Kili’s hate and anger towards the CAI. To understand why he viewed them as parasites and something extremely evil. This sight in front of him was beyond sick. It was the stuff of unthinkable nightmares.

Fili had to stumble away from them, out of the room despite promising Kili he wouldn’t leave him. But it was all he could do before the first heave wandered through his body. Finding a waste bin in the next room, Fili threw up. It wasn’t much, mostly water and bile since he hadn’t eaten in a while, but it still made his stomach hurt and whenever he thought of Kili’s form, another dry heave wrestled him down.

He couldn’t say how long he sat there, waiting for the nausea to pass, while an unconscious part of him knew his life would never be the same, just knew that he flinched violently, when he felt a hand at his shoulder. Casting a glance at the person behind him, he took notice of Oin’s tired features.

“It’s alright, laddie. Kili doesn’t have to know. This can stay between us.”

Fili shuddered, before he swallowed with difficulty… he needed to rinse out his mouth.

“It’s normal. If it wouldn’t hit you like this, there would be something wrong with you.”

“How can you handle this?” Fili wondered.

Oin’s eyes softened as he shook his head gently.

“I don’t, but I can’t lose it when people depend on me. I have to wait until I’m alone.”

It was what pulled Fili from his overwhelmed state. He had promised Kili to stay with him and he hadn’t managed it. Kili depend on his presence, had been soothed by the knowledge that Fili wasn’t going to leave him and here he was. Regardless how much Kili’s state disturbed him, his beloved’s pain was worse. He needed to get a grip on himself!

He thanked Oin and allowed the other to pull him back on his feet. Rinsing out his mouth, Fili followed the doctor back into the room, this time keeping his gaze away from Kili’s midsection. He merely sat down beside his friend, held his hand and focussed on his calm face. At least until he had to change into more sterile clothing.

This time he stayed strong, remained at Kili’s side while Tauriel and Oin worked on him and removed the thing that had almost killed the brunet. Fili didn’t dare to look, afraid what he might see.

It took about an hour for the two medics to finish. They asked Fili to bring Kili into a room of the medical ward, so he could wake up in a quiet environment and so the blond pushed the stretcher without protest.

It would take a long time until Kili would regain the weight he lost and even longer for the anew trauma to heal… if it ever would. Fili had no illusions. Kili hadn’t even recovered from the first time and now this… which had progressed so much more aggressive and painful. It might take a lifetime to heal.

He reassured himself that they were together. That this time he was here to help Kili and that they would somehow manage to get through this. What else was there, other than to keep hoping?

 

 


	48. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things go quiet...

 

 

The time after Kili’s awakening wasn’t like Fili imagined. He’d believed they would continue, where they had left off, with the brunet requesting closeness and innocent touches of reassurance. Instead Kili went even quieter. His gaze was turned to the ceiling and he wouldn’t acknowledge anyone. When Oin and Tauriel showed up to check on the stiches, he silently endured it, only grimacing and twitching a little. He was receiving fluids through the IV and ate the soup he was offered without protest - although things might look different if Fili hadn’t decided to feed him - other than this, though, Kili seemed as if he’d long since left this world.

Oin tried to reassure the blond, telling him a reaction like this was to be expected and that Kili’s head needed to come to terms with what happened to him, but Fili couldn’t help but worry. There was no answer, when he tried to talk to Kili and sometimes he wondered if the other even knew he was here.

It was painful and disheartening.

The only positive news these days reached him, when Ori visited them in the medical ward to tell them that Thorin and the other members of the unit were alright. They were in custody, but it seemed like Gandalf was confident to get them out soon. There was currently an investigation going on in Sauron’s company and as soon as the plans for the CAI would be unveiled to the public, it was expected to become immensely simple to get them out. The view would change, turning terrorists into freedom fighters, especially when the people learned Thorin had once worked there. He would be hailed as a hero that had saved their lives and turned some things for the better, if everything progressed as planned by the politicians.

The only damper was that Sauron hadn’t been in the company during the attack and had disappeared into thin air ever since.

After a couple of days he allowed his mother to shoo him away from Kili’s side. It was probably supposed to help him clear his head, but instead he only found himself wandering through the hallways of Erebor without rhyme nor reason.

When he turned around for the fifth time on the same path, he shook his head forcefully and decided to visit Legolas. He hadn’t seen the blond in a while and actually wanted to see how the other was doing, once his mind wasn't occupied only by his worries for Kili anymore.

Thranduil’s son was awake and greeted Fili with a wide smile as he entered. His leg was hidden by a thick bandage, but the drainage had been removed and overall it had to be good sign that no one had deemed it necessary to amputate the limb. They engaged in an awkward discussion, both of them having questions they didn’t dare to ask the other, but in the end beating around the bush had never helped anyone.

“How is Kili?” Legolas used the pause in their conversation.

Fili sighed. That had to mean Thranduil had informed his son of Kili’s fate. Did he have to assume that everyone knew what happened to the brunet? Kili wouldn’t like that at all. It had been so hard for Kili to tell him of the first time, but now there might be pitying glances everywhere. He would hate it.

“Not good,” Fili confessed, lowering his head to escape Legolas’ concerned gaze. They topic was back and he couldn’t really fault the other. They were friends after all, of course he wanted to know if Kili was alright. The answer Fili had to give him, however, just felt like another painful blow to the stomach. “He isn’t responding to anything… he… he just lies in his bed and stairs at the ceiling all day.”

The other was silent for a minute, probably processing the news.

“Do you…,” he began hesitantly, “do you think, it would help him if I visited?”

Fili wished he had a positive reply for him, but if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t know if anyone’s presence was of help for Kili right now. At least there should be some kind of reaction, if he appreciated to have someone close by, shouldn’t it? Then again, Fili couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve been like for the brunet to be exposed to such suffering. Despite how much the other’s unresponsiveness hurt him, Fili was ready to wait however long it might take and when Kili awoke from his unmoving state it might be a positive experience for him to realise he wasn’t alone.

“Yes,” he said eventually. “I think it would help him, even if he isn’t reacting, it can’t be wrong to show him that we are here for him.”

Legolas nodded and suddenly began to struggle into a sitting position.

“Then you better get me over there.”

With wide eyes he watched the blond heaving his injured leg over the edge of the bed, before looking at him expectantly.

“But… but your leg,” Fili stammered.

“You need to get me a wheelchair, but otherwise I will be fine.”

This wasn’t able to convince him. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to deal with Tauriel or Oin’s wrath, when they noticed he’d kidnapped Legolas from his room and what was even more important, he definitely didn’t want to be involved in a fight with Thranduil. He was glad enough that there seemed to be a fragile sense of trust forming between them.

“Are you sure? What if you get hurt?” Fili tried to argue.

A sad little smile wandered to Legolas’ lips.

“Trust me, it can’t get any worse. The infection is gone and I know that I will never walk without a limp again. It can’t be saved completely and I would rather spend a couple of days longer in this room because I visited a friend than abandoning him.”

“You are not abandoning him, you are healing,” Fili scolded him.

Legolas wouldn’t listen to this, though, just stopped him with a wave of his hand to continue his reasoning.

“Come on, get me a wheelchair.”

Fili examined him critically, but agreed in the end, when he noticed the strong aura of determination on the blond’s features.

 

 

* * *

 

  

Two days later he left Kili in Legolas’ care, who was reading to the brunet. His state hadn’t changed at all and Fili needed a break from his crushed hopes. He tried to be patient, but the longer Kili wouldn’t look at him, the more the despair inside him grew. Getting out of the room and having conversations that weren’t revolving around his friend’s condition were the only things that kept him sane.

He’d actually planned to spend some time with Ori and so his surprise had to be visible on his face, when he stepped into his friend’s little room and spotted not only the redhead, but also the CAI. They were brooding over a chequer board and only took notice of his presence, when he harrumphed loudly.

Ori’s face lit up.

“Fili! Oh, what a nice surprise! I was just teaching Kili how to play chess.”

The CAI smiled sheepishly.

“That’s great… um…,” suddenly at loss and feeling like an intruder, he didn't know how to continue.

The decision was taken from him, as the brunet got up, attracting both of their attention as he approached him.

“I would like to talk. Can we talk?”

Exchanging a baffled glance with Ori, Fili nodded, once the little shake of his friend’s head told him that Ori was just as clueless as he himself.

“Sure,” Fili agreed hesitantly.

Together they went onto the empty hallway. In the strange privacy of a place that should echo with activity, Fili was grateful that the current circumstances allowed him to ditch work. Thranduil and Balin coordinated everything wonderfully, offering the blond some quietness after the hassle the last week had been and with Thorin and the others still arrested, no one really seemed to feel the need to complain. Working together without begrudging someone something was what kept this place running.

“It’s nice that Ori is teaching you,” Fili said after the door closed behind them, lacking a better approach.

The CAI shrugged.

“He is supposed to look after me. But he is nice, so I don’t mind.”

He probably wouldn’t even mind if Ori treated him terribly, Fili thought to himself.

“That’s just the way he is. He couldn’t hurt a fly,” he replied gently nonetheless.

The brunet nodded, but whatever was on his mind easily brought him back to the reason for their stay out here.

“I want to ask something.”

Fili blinked, wondering what on earth could be so important for the other to ask him in private.

“Ask then.”

“I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?”

The shock at the unexpected question made him freeze for a couple of heartbeats.

“No,” he exclaimed eventually.

“But you kissed me before, why not now?” the CAI tilted his head curiously, as if this was going to make processing Fili’s reply easier.

Ruffling a hand through his hair, Fili huffed. This was the last thing he wanted to discuss right now. He’d come here to clear his head and not to explain to a CAI why his affection was reserved for someone else. He was aware, though, that he needed to get this straight to avoid further confusion.

“That was because I thought you to be _my_ Kili. But you aren’t. You are his clone… you are… you are not the same. You are the boy he was seven years ago, but I want the man that went missing, with all his flaws and ugly past and you… you are different. I love him. I don’t love you. I’m very grateful for what you did for us, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. But I want to be your friend, if that's okay.”

The CAI couldn’t feel jealousy. Wasn’t upset about the rejection, even though he looked a little sad at the prospect of never kissing him again. Nevertheless, he accepted Fili’s explanation far more easily than the blond had thought. Then again, a CAI wasn’t reacting like a human and for this Fili was thankful, for it allowed them to end this conversation without any drama.

"Then I would like to be your friend," the CAI nodded to himself.

 

 


End file.
